2 weeks in IOP DBT things don’t look any better

[Trusting-waiting]

Hello friends. This has been a hard week! My dd is struggling so much with suicidal feelings. It’s like her mind is only capable of negative ruminations. It’s all related to dealing with the father of her baby. She feels she can’t be a good mom to her baby or even live as long as he is alive and wanting time with the baby. He comes over 3x/week for a few hours. His doting over her and wanting to spend more time with her seems to escalate dd’s desperation. He is also trying to get back together with her. My dd told him a few weeks postpartum that they didn’t have a future together. She did this twice because he didn’t seem to get it the first time. Just two days ago when he was over, he tried to kiss dd several times. She turned her head to evade. She was very passive and had no boundaries over their 4 year relationship. He was able to get her back twice after she broke up with him in the past. We think he figures he can do it again, especially with the baby. My dd has told him she is in therapy for postpartum mood issues. She doesn’t feel it’s wise to share the extent of what she’s dealing with.

I’m thinking maybe it would help her if the visits with dad weren’t  at our house where dd lives. Thinking we could drop baby off at his house and pick her up. This would spare her from seeing him. Of course it would also be a pretty blunt way of saying leave dd alone. She might be afraid of setting such a clear boundary. However, when a person prefers the idea of death over the situation they’re in, probably not so radical!
Appreciate any of your thoughts and insights

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[FaithHopeLove]

Hello Trusting Waiting
I am glad to meet you and sorry for the circumstances. It sounds like your daughter is in a really tough situation. It is no wonder you are concerned. I assume she lives with you. Is that correct? Either way I see your point about it maybe being better if the baby goes to see the father somewhere other than your house particularly given his intentions of trying to rekindle a romance that your daughter does not wish to pursue. Unwanted kisses are a real violation of her boundaries. That would really bother me too. But you are right that she has to be the one to establish and/or strengthen her boundaries. Are you able to talk to her about this? What does she say?

[wendydarling]

Hi Trusting Waiting

I'm sorry you've had such a hard week and your DD is overwhelmed. I've just caught up reading your earlier post. As Faith says this is a boundary for your DD to establish/strengthen ~ she's been in and out of the relationship a number of times. I agree with you the father spends time with his baby in his own home, that's what co-parenting looks like. Not seeing the father can provide some relief and space your DD needs right now.

Two weeks into DBT is early days, it takes time to settle in. My DD's DBT therapist was straight into her suicidal feelings, that's what they focus on first, so hopefully for your DD too. TW I paid for my DD's cabs to and from DBT, best investment I've ever made as my DD was very ill and it made it so much easier for her to make the sessions which was my goal.

How are you coping TW, what support do you have, along with us?

I'm glad you've joined us, it's been a life changing experience for me.

Hang in with us.

WDx

[Trusting-waiting]

Thank you Faith and Wendy for your kind and helpful words!
I guess it is pretty early on. It’s just rough (as you know), hearing your son or daughter talk about wanting to end it all. Not getting triggered by their words or the sometimes vacant look on their face, is a challenge. I do have a group of praying friends. They have all been through some type of trial with their children. I think two of them have kids on the bpd spectrum. We haven’t really talked specifically about that, though I’d like to.
I’m also paying for her lift to therapy. As you said they aren’t in a good place to drive much, and it saves us spending so much time in the car. Truthfully, I feel so relieved when she is on her way. Sometimes I feel a “spirit of oppression” when she’s here. I just want to shine a light into the dark confusion of her mind. If my love and my words could save her, it would have happened already. I know I must be patient with the process. May all our children stay in the land of the living so they can receive healing! So they may be blessed and be a blessing to others

[FaithHopeLove]

I see you are a woman of faith so I will share this. Sometimes we really have to turn our children's lives over to God. We can and must love them but only God can save them.

[Trusting-waiting]

Thanks Faith. Yes, prayer is what’s helping get me through. I must admit I can easily lose sight of the hand of God in this. So it’s as much a test for me as a trial for dd. I’ve had some answers to prayer. “Out of the blue” the daughter of one of my best friends (who passed away 2yrs ago), showed up in my neighborhood. I thought she was still living abroad. I was walking with baby granddaughter when she came upon me. Long story short I told her about dd. It turns out she’s had a lot of struggles with bpd. She’s gotten pretty strong though. Right then she walked home with me and began praying for and talking to dd. Awhile ago someone else who didn’t know what was going on with dd, felt urged to pray for her and began experiencing feelings of torment that dd was going through at the same time that dd was tormented. These experiences don’t take away all the worry but they do bolster faith in the one who sees and loves my child (and all our children) as well as us!

Not to negate any of that, but right now I’m pretty upset with dd. The self-absorption of dd is wearing on me. She has so much support, but little gratitude and much self pity. She’s pretty disconnected from her infant. She says this is because of her difficult situation. Even though I know it’s the bpd, it still makes me angry!

[FaithHopeLove]

It's OK to be upset and angry. Anyone facing such behavior would feel that way. But you are right. It does not negate the hope we have in a loving Creator who loves our children and is able to help them and us in ways we cannot imagine.