Hi everyone,
This is my first post. I apologize in advance if it's lengthy and messy- this will also be my first time talking about this openly and honestly (with others and quite frankly, with myself).
I'll start off by saying that my SO/ex-SO/best friend/whatever you want to call him has not officially been diagnosed with BPD as he does not currently have access to therapy, but we are both in agreement and the more research we do, the more we believe it's the answer.
B and I have been on a rollercoaster ride for just over 2 years now. What started off as pure bliss and a strong pang of "knowing" this was magic, slowly became harder and harder as we each fought through extreme anxieties. We had several instances of him becoming increasingly distant and having more severe mood-swings, before it would finally end in a breakup. I could usually feel it coming a few weeks out as his personality totally changed. As time has gone on, each breakup feels more painful than the last. But almost as soon as it's over (or after a few weeks without speaking), it feels like the pressure is totally off, and we always came back together- feeling better than ever.
I'll interject here to talk about my own contributions- I have severe ROCD (if you haven't heard of this before, it basically means I obsess over my relationships and cannot sit with uncertainty). You can imagine how anxiety-inducing this pattern has become for me. I also have a pretty strong fear of abandonment, and at times, my anxious neediness contributed greatly to him "pushing" me away. Can't you see we are a great match?
In all seriousness, my own mental health has made it so much more difficult to accept his personality and accept our relationship for what it has become. I felt so sick everytime I had to think about leaving for good or not having him in my life anymore. But at the same time, I was so filled with self-doubt and shame about continuing to stay in a relationship that had become so unhealthy.
I have gotten a lot better about giving him his space and trying to not let my own anxieties get in the way of his episodes. A part of me feels like I can just see right through him when he starts to get like this. I feel like it's not really him who is speaking and saying these things because I know the other side of this so well. I know the man who is gentle, and caring, extremely attentive and love. The one who understands me more than anyone and is a great father (not my child but I love him just the same) and a fun and adventurous partner. Anyway, logically I know they are both the "same" person and I am hoping to gain more insight into this personality phenomenon by spending some more time on here with all of you.
Let's flash forward to this past month. Things got really difficult for us. I won't get into too much detail but I honestly can't recognize the person he is sometimes and he has also expressed some shock at his own words. After our last break-up (a few weeks ago), he told me he didn't like the person he was anymore, and he was starting to feel crazy. He (and I) only learned about BPD very recently and it is starting to make a lot more sense.
As of right now, we are not together but still speaking often. I know it sounds cliche but we are each other's best friend. I understand that we cannot continue this relationship pattern for the time being and it needs to be over. I would still love to work on this though, for myself and to still be a good friend to him. I love him so much, in spite of everything, and it would feel really painful to not have him in my life anymore. I chose him over and over, and while I know I can't fix this for him, I would still like to find the best way to be supportive.
The only thing getting me through this now is the hope that maybe after a few years of hard work on ourselves, maybe we can become the people we always wanted to be. I don't want to seem naive in saying any of this- I recognize the challenges we are facing. But I also recognize the reward.
Thanks so much for listening. It's just so nice to know that there are so many other people living through the exact same things, and still choosing love and compassion, just like I want to.
Nice to meet you all!
