I think things are finally working

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I wanted to share my (hopefully!) good news and encourage those of you in the heat of battle to hang in there, it will eventually get better.  My ex is high functioning; super smart and has money.  It has been hard to fight that to protect my children.  When I originally left due to his alcoholism and abuse, he got a fancy lawyer (now a judge) and drew up a 50/50 custody agreement for our then 3 and 5 year old children.  50/50 is default in our state.  His lawyer told me I was legally homeless (temporarily staying with friends) and according to state statute, he would get full custody if I didn't sign the agreement.  With no money and no lawyer, I stupidly did.

We tried to reconcile - he went through a batterers program and was in counseling.  I got pregnant again and moved back.  I stayed until she was 1 1/2, but by then the abuse was back and he had started abusing my son who was 5.  I still didn't have any money and everything was in his name.  I got a Legal Aid lawyer and took the children and left.  He was drinking heavily at the time and really out of his mind.  I had a detailed journal, pictures of bruises on the children, and recordings of him screaming at me and the children; one where he had a psychotic episode (recordings are allowed in our state as long as one of us knows).  The free lawyer turned out to be horrible and after a traumatic court battle, 50/50 continued and I was charged with contempt of court for not letting him see the kids on his parenting time.  Pro tip-if abuse and substance abuse isn't documented by professionals (police, DFS, medical, teacher, etc.) it didn't happen.

I have worked hard and scrimped and saved since then.  He sued me for our car.  He is blind and I am ordered to provide all transportation and we were not married so I ended up having to buy the car from him and pay a bunch of legal fees.  I kept working and saving.  I bought us a decent home after living in a crappy rental.  During this time he has called the child abuse hotline on me multiple times, all unsubstantiated.

After a visit a year ago the children came home with horrible bruises on their legs where he had beat them for planting garlic wrong.  I immediately called the child abuse hotline and took the children in to be interviewed.  DFS told me it was horrible and sent me to the police.  Both agencies took pictures and filed reports and suggested I get a child order of protection.  A few days later the child abuse people dropped the investigation without even interviewing him.  I still have no idea what happened.  The prosecutor said it wasn't bad enough to prosecute.  My ex hired a lawyer and ordered me to a deposition.  Since there were no charges and no investigation going to happen, I had to drop the order, cancel the deposition, and send the children back.  I felt so defeated and helpless to protect them!

He then files for modification asking for full custody and asks again for contempt of court against me.  By now I have money saved so I hired the best family law trial attorney in our area.  A guardian ad litem from a bigger city was appointed who recommended exactly what I asked for in my response.  My ex showed the guardian's letter to the children!  At this point everyone is upset with him.

A few weeks ago he offers to drop his suit if I will drop mine and keep everything as it is.  I consult my attorney and we send him a letter offering to drop if he agrees to the changes the guardian recommended.  He fires a letter back saying no, and he is going to sue me for child support and does not send a copy to the guardian at litem.  We calculate our state's child support form and it shows he will owe me child support (neither of us pay anything now).  Again we send a letter offering to agree to the changes the guardian recommended and send a copy of the child support form and a copy of all to the guardian.   BTW, the only changes the guardian suggested is no corporal punishment, counseling for the children, and an extension of his 2 hour right of first refusal.

A good side benefit of it all is that he has been on his best behavior since he is trying to build a case that he is a model parent.  He has been reprimanded so many times for talking about the case to the children that he is finally talking less about it with them.  And if we can get the children into a counselor they trust, I hope he will have to continue the good behavior or get called out on the bad.

I have a lot of money socked away if we have to go back to trial so I feel I am ready.  I am much stronger now too.  It has been a long, horrible road and I hate what my children have gone through, but I have hope now that it may work out ok.

[LilMe]

I wanted to share my (hopefully!) good news and encourage those of you in the heat of battle to hang in there, it will eventually get better.  My ex is high functioning; super smart and has money.  It has been hard to fight that to protect my children.  When I originally left due to his alcoholism and abuse, he got a fancy lawyer (now a judge) and drew up a 50/50 custody agreement for our then 3 and 5 year old children.  50/50 is default in our state.  His lawyer told me I was legally homeless (temporarily staying with friends) and according to state statute, he would get full custody if I didn't sign the agreement.  With no money and no lawyer, I stupidly did.

We tried to reconcile - he went through a batterers program and was in counseling.  I got pregnant again and moved back.  I stayed until she was 1 1/2, but by then the abuse was back and he had started abusing my son who was 5.  I still didn't have any money and everything was in his name.  I got a Legal Aid lawyer and took the children and left.  He was drinking heavily at the time and really out of his mind.  I had a detailed journal, pictures of bruises on the children, and recordings of him screaming at me and the children; one where he had a psychotic episode (recordings are allowed in our state as long as one of us knows).  The free lawyer turned out to be horrible and after a traumatic court battle, 50/50 continued and I was charged with contempt of court for not letting him see the kids on his parenting time.  Pro tip-if abuse and substance abuse isn't documented by professionals (police, DFS, medical, teacher, etc.) it didn't happen.

I have worked hard and scrimped and saved since then.  He sued me for our car.  He is blind and I am ordered to provide all transportation and we were not married so I ended up having to buy the car from him and pay a bunch of legal fees.  I kept working and saving.  I bought us a decent home after living in a crappy rental.  During this time he has called the child abuse hotline on me multiple times, all unsubstantiated.

After a visit a year ago the children came home with horrible bruises on their legs where he had beat them for planting garlic wrong.  I immediately called the child abuse hotline and took the children in to be interviewed.  DFS told me it was horrible and sent me to the police.  Both agencies took pictures and filed reports and suggested I get a child order of protection.  A few days later the child abuse people dropped the investigation without even interviewing him.  I still have no idea what happened.  The prosecutor said it wasn't bad enough to prosecute.  My ex hired a lawyer and ordered me to a deposition.  Since there were no charges and no investigation going to happen, I had to drop the order, cancel the deposition, and send the children back.  I felt so defeated and helpless to protect them!

He then files for modification asking for full custody and asks again for contempt of court against me.  By now I have money saved so I hired the best family law trial attorney in our area.  A guardian ad litem from a bigger city was appointed who recommended exactly what I asked for in my response.  My ex showed the guardian's letter to the children!  At this point everyone is upset with him.

A few weeks ago he offers to drop his suit if I will drop mine and keep everything as it is.  I consult my attorney and we send him a letter offering to drop if he agrees to the changes the guardian recommended.  He fires a letter back saying no, and he is going to sue me for child support and does not send a copy to the guardian at litem.  We calculate our state's child support form and it shows he will owe me child support (neither of us pay anything now).  Again we send a letter offering to agree to the changes the guardian recommended and send a copy of the child support form and a copy of all to the guardian.   BTW, the only changes the guardian suggested is no corporal punishment, counseling for the children, and an extension of his 2 hour right of first refusal.

A good side benefit of it all is that he has been on his best behavior since he is trying to build a case that he is a model parent.  He has been reprimanded so many times for talking about the case to the children that he is finally talking less about it with them.  And if we can get the children into a counselor they trust, I hope he will have to continue the good behavior or get called out on the bad.

I have a lot of money socked away if we have to go back to trial so I feel I am ready.  I am much stronger now too.  It has been a long, horrible road and I hate what my children have gone through, but I have hope now that it may work out ok.

[StillHopeful73]

Wow, LilMe, you have been through so much! And yet you keep fighting. Your persistence is hugely commendable and it sounds like it is now paying off.

Though he never hurt the kids, I was assaulted by my ex. I had the same experience as you in that I had a terrible lawyer initially. Even with my ex being charged with assaulting me, my first lawyer said there would likely be 50/50 custody. Thank god I changed lawyers! A good one really does make a difference.

Thankfully, your ex is now being watched so at least he will held accountable. And it sounds like you are ready for whatever comes your way. You say you are stronger now, but you would have had to be pretty strong to make it through what you have so far!