My wife has filed for divorce

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

This thread was split from this discussion; https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=341297.30

Good morning,

I heard from my lawyer the day before Thanksgiving, my W has filed for divorce.  I don't know any details yet.  I'm expecting to hear from him today.  It made for a very rough Thanksgiving.  I haven't heard from her in 20 days.  I'm in a lot of emotional pain.

Thanks for listening.

SH4

[Stillhopeful4]

This thread was split from this discussion; https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=341297.30

Good morning,

I heard from my lawyer the day before Thanksgiving, my W has filed for divorce.  I don't know any details yet.  I'm expecting to hear from him today.  It made for a very rough Thanksgiving.  I haven't heard from her in 20 days.  I'm in a lot of emotional pain.

Thanks for listening.

SH4

[Enabler]

Hey SH4, super sorry to hear this even though you somewhat expected it. Hope you managed to get through the holidays okay.

Listen very carefully to your lawyer and heed their advice.

Enabler

[Stillhopeful4]

Enabler,

Thank you for your advice and support.  I hope your situation improves as well.  As far as mine, I still have hope she will come around.

SH4

[Enabler]

Have you tried to communicate with her at all?

Not saying you should. Just asking

[Stillhopeful4]

No I have not.  Other than the few texts (over a Friday, Saturday & Sunday) I sent when I found out she called the lawyer...that was about 2+ weeks ago.  She did not respond to any of them and that's when she blocked me on all social media.  For all I know she could have blocked my phone number too.

It's been 22 days since I've seen/talked/heard from her.  I miss her and I miss DOG1 terribly.

SH4

[Enabler]

that's probably good for both of you at the moment and will allow the temp to cool massively.

I loath using the term self care but is it time to start something new that you've longed to do for some time yet delayed because you didn't have time?

Find some use for your spare time and energy, redirect yourself.

I'm not saying 'move on' I'm saying find something you can get your teeth into. Further education, water skiing, ice fishing... paint the house. Something. You've had 3m of intense thinking time. Time to give your head a break now and rebuild you.

[Stillhopeful4]

Yes, I want to start taking spin classes again, so I'm going to do that.  It might have to wait until the first of the year.  My daughter and her hubby and the babies will be back early next week and staying with me for a few weeks until they get their new housing assignment at his new duty station (an hour away from me).  So I want to spend every minute I can with them and with Christmas etc it's going to be busy.  But I do intend on focusing on me much more!  Focusing on me is something I haven't been allowed to do in 23 years.  Baby steps, that's all I can do!

SH4

[Enabler]

We done, great plan

For what it's worth, you have been allowed to look after you for the last 23 years, you've just given too much consideration to other people who've suggested you shouldn't. Don't be a victim, you're better than that.

[Stillhopeful4]

Yes, I try hard not to come off as "the victim", which W accuses me of frequently.  But at the end of the day I am the victim of her abuse, but I allowed it.  I need to re-group and figure out where do I go from here as a person, for me!

I'm struggling with one thing...WHEN she comes back...I know it will happen...be it in a month...or 6 or 2 years...what do I do then?

SH4

[Enabler]

That SH4 is something you need to mentally prepare yourself for.

You know what the experience is...

I can't answer that for you, all we can do is ask you the questions that might lead to you being able to come to your own conclusions

[once removed]

As far as mine, I still have hope she will come around.

if youre serious about this, is it time to get serious about a different approach?

[Stillhopeful4]

if youre serious about this, is it time to get serious about a different approach?

Yes, I'm serious about having hope that she comes around.  I'm not sure what different approach I can take, we haven't spoken or seen each other in 24 days, but I'm willing to give anything a shot.  Once Removed, do you have some ideas?

SH4

[Stillhopeful4]

I reached out to her over text this weekend.  She replied...barely.  Apparently I have hurt her very deeply with my "diagnosis" of her.  She hates me.  I told her I love her and that I will always be here for her.  She replied, no you don't love me, you haven't for a very long time and that you can't tell someone's boss they have personality disorders if you love them.  I will never believe you...and on and on.  I tried.  It's going to be a rough day for me.  Today is my 50th birthday and I'm spending it at work...I've cried about 4 times this morning already.

[Enabler]

Congratulations SH4, I hope you manage to have a good day and you manage to see all your babies today or soon.

Can you see why your W is hurting?

[Stillhopeful4]

Can you see why your W is hurting?

Thank you.

Yes, I can see why.

[Stillhopeful4]

So yesterday came and went with not even a "Happy Birthday" text from W.  Apparently, my kids wanted to surprise me with DOG1 and they reached out to her to arrange picking him up for a few hours.  She refused.  They said she was nasty about it.  She's starting to show her true colors to them.  It's sad.

SH4

[Enabler]

Wow, that's pretty brutal. I'm sure it would have been nice to have all your pets as well as your kids there.

I know you have minimal contact now but avoid reacting to that.

[Stillhopeful4]

Yes, I'm not going to say a word about it.  She's always been one to "punish".  I would expect nothing less from her.  As much as it hurt, it was comforting to see the kids reaction to it and how protective of me they are.  They were like WOW mom, she really is very selfish, you would never do anything like that to her...and the fact that she couldn't even send  you a text on your birthday...she really showed her true colors.

It's sad, but it's who she is. 

SH4

[Enabler]

remember your W is many things, this is just part of her.

[Stillhopeful4]

I'm not sure how to proceed.  I haven't heard from her since those few text on Saturday.  No birthday wishes, not allowing DOG1 to visit, now the kids are pretty pissed at her.  Do I just sit and wait for her to reach out, if she reaches out?

Thoughts?

SH4

[Enabler]

Can you think of any reason why her opinions might have softened in the last few days? You haven't mentioned any. Your last interaction fuelled a fire that was still blazing in her. I would say (although others may disagree) that you need to wait until she comes towards you or shows signs of softening.

Enabler

[Stillhopeful4]

Yes Enabler, I think that is best.   

However, I can't help but think back of times she's done this before left and gone ghost...and then she comes back says things like..."my grandmother died and I flew halfway across the country to go to her funeral...the whole time I was there I stared at the door hoping you would walk through it."   1.  I didn't even know her grandmother died until after she had left and I only heard about it from a friend on social media.  2.  She never even told me her grandmother died and that she was leaving to go to the funeral etc.  3.  No details what-so-ever so I couldn't even send a card or flowers.  4.  I know my W, when she goes silent treatment I know not to go near her until she softens and comes to me...Why would I get on a plane, fly 5 hours, rent a car and drive 3 hours, to a place I've never been mind you, and walk into a funeral when you are not even speaking to me?  During the same time I would walk into our business and she would either walk out or walk into another room and if I tried speaking to her she would just leave.    The expectations are over the top, the needing to read her mind...  This is one example of hundreds I could give you similar.

Also, regarding DOG1 she made it very clear to the kids when they reached out to her Monday night that she does not want to see me at all even in just passing the dog off.

SH4

[Enabler]

Who knows if your W really thought that at the time or if she thought she thought that when things changed for her emotionally and she decided to like you again. Like you say it's not something you could have known so it's hard to imagine how you should/could feel any guilt for not taking that action at the time.

She has made is clear to your kids that's her stance at the moment.

How are you getting on with rebuilding you? I appreciate you've been busy with birthday and the weekends knock-back, but how's it going with the things you were considering taking up to occupy some of your time?

Enabler

[Stillhopeful4]

Ok guys, I need your strength...talk me down off the ledge.

So last night W was given an award at her work and there is a video of her "speech" that her work shared because they were live.  Now a few of her work mates "flying monkys" shared the video.  W did not...she just shared a picture of the the certificate she got.  Now that being said in this video she talks about how she came to get this job...IT'S ALL LIES...she talks about how SHE owned her OWN business (mind you that I bought her/ we were partners) and how a gym member (HER BOSS...my friend of 20+ years) walked in one day and asked for her help and after that she decided to close the business and go work for her ... I sat there with my JAW ON THE FLOOR!  Not even close to what happened...  my theory is my wife didn't share this video because all of our friends/family/kids and business members would know what a LIAR she is.

For years she has accused me of TWISTING things...and I don't do that... I say things exactly as they are and I don't sugar coat anything or twist anything.  To have a video of her getting this award and telling a story that's NOT true...WOW...just WOW!

Talk me down...tell me not to share it...UGHHHHHH.  She's so manipulative!

SH4

[Enabler]

Leave her to her lies, let her have them.

Feel pity for those that listen to them and don't know better to believe them.

Be thankful you have a clearer understanding of reality.

Liars tend to dig themselves holes they can't get out of.

DO NOT SHARE, DO NOT COMMENT, MOVE ALONG NOTHING TO SEE

Enabler

[once removed]

Telling her boss that you think she has a personality disorder would have been experienced as a big betrayal and invasion of privacy.

Youre considering doing more of that?

Im trying to understand where this need to "expose" her is coming from. Is it feelings of helplessness? Powerlessness? A mindset of damn the torpedoes?

Do you think its helping?

[Stillhopeful4]

Telling her boss that you think she has a personality disorder would have been experienced as a big betrayal and invasion of privacy.

Youre considering doing more of that?

Im trying to understand where this need to "expose" her is coming from. Is it feelings of helplessness? Powerlessness? A mindset of damn the torpedoes?

Do you think its helping?

So there is more to the story.  I did not reach out to this woman as her boss.  This woman is not "just her boss"...this woman has been my "friend" for 20+ years and is also her new "favorite person"...ie this boss organized a private birthday party for W, W goes mother of the bride dress shopping with boss, boss went with her house hunting.  Her boss is a counselor and I reached out to her as a "Hail Mary" when W said she was going to stop going to see our T of 4 years (that it took him all that time to figure out she has BDP w/ AVPD because she's a quiet BPD).  Our T recommended W see a psychiatrist and get on meds, when W presented this to her "boss"...boss said T was out of line and W should stop seeing him.   I didn't think her boss would take this information and just forward it to W.  I was hoping she would help her.  I wasn't trying to "expose" her.  If that was my goal  I would not have done it by way of her "boss".  Also, her and her boss think it's impossible that she has a personality disorder and claim she couldn't hold down a job or be in a masters program if she had a PD.  So if my goal was to "expose" her, why would I have shared this information with ONLY her boss?  I didn't share the info in a vindictive way.  I sent her a text that was very nice and reaching out in hopes that "boss" could help.

I love my W.  I didn't do anything to hurt her or be malicious.  I really was just trying to help.

SH4

[once removed]

I love my W.  I didn't do anything to hurt her or be malicious.  I really was just trying to help.

Stillhopeful, i can appreciate this very much. these things were the first thing on my mind when my ex broke up with me. specifically, possibly contacting her psychiatrist. possibly even, contacting her parents.

id be remiss if i didnt point out a few things:

you have raised the question in the past: who to tell that she has BPD so that people understand that its her, not you, with the problem.

youve been in a social media dispute before, with her friends, right?

you are (were?) considering doing it again because youre offended by the characterization of how she rose up in her profession.

the first step to reviving a relationship is to hone in on the thing that we are doing that make things worse, own them, stop the bleeding. we can only play the best hand we are dealt, and sometimes its a very limited hand.

for what its worth, you have pretty much resisted doing this at every step. when your wife tells you how she sees things, you are quick to dismiss it. when members see where she might be coming from, at least from her perspective, you are quick to dismiss it. most recently, you said its time to stop thinking about things from her perspective, and to stand up for yourself.

fair enough. know that this is not a winning strategy to revive a relationship, and if you are at that point, the best thing to do would be to is explore all of your best options with your lawyer.

but if thats not where you are...

wouldnt the most helpful thing in the short term be to understand that contacting her boss (keeping in mind your relationship to the boss, and hers) to suggest a personality disorder was a huge betrayal and invasion of privacy, and tell her youre sorry you did it?

[Stillhopeful4]

Once Removed,

you are (were?) considering doing it again because youre offended by the characterization of how she rose up in her profession.

I'm not offended by how she rose up in her profession, not at all, I'm truly happy for her that she's doing well.  I offended that she stood up in front of people and told "her story" that was mostly lies.  I didn't comment.  I didn't share.  I didn't text her.  I said/did nothing regarding the video.

wouldnt the most helpful thing in the short term be to understand that contacting her boss (keeping in mind your relationship to the boss, and hers) to suggest a personality disorder was a huge betrayal and invasion of privacy, and tell her youre sorry you did it?

I did apologize.  My exact words were..."I know you are angry and probably hate me.  I'm sorry I hurt you. I wanted you to know how much I miss you and DOG1 and let you know how much I love you."  She replied "Right".


When you say I have dismissed how W sees things or how members have told me where she might be coming from...can you explain this to me?  I'm not sure I understand and this might be where I'm getting stuck.  I really want to learn to stop the bleeding and try and make things better between us.

Thanks for your help!

SH4

[Harri]

This thread reached the max post limit and has been locked.  The discussion continues here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=341785.msg13092378#msg13092378

Thank you.