SD's mom signed the custody papers

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

SD12's uBPDmom signed the new custody papers last night.  Starting next week, she will be restricted to seeing SD only from 10 am - 6 pm, about 45 days a year.  There's a stair-stepped requirement, so if she starts emotionally abusing SD again, we can go automatically to supervised visitation without going back to court. The papers also state that all communication with H has to go through the parenting app.  She's also still banned from texting SD.

SD told her T she was very happy that the new schedule goes into effect next week, because she really didn't want to spend 2 weeks with her mom over the winter break (as the old schedule would have required).

It took 5 months to get here.  I finally took the last draft from the L, made changes myself, and sent it back for the L to review.  The L's office didn't understand why we were insisting that some things be spelled out explicitly when it wasn't legally necessary - it's because we can lessen the drama that way.

I was pretty shocked - uBPDmom didn't have a meltdown.  She asked a few questions, but that was it.  She misread the document, and when H corrected her, she argued that he was wrong.  So she will actually be getting SD less than the document specifies. 

SD is with her mom this weekend (the last overnights), so we'll see on Monday whether mom held it together in front of SD or not.

I am really happy right now to have this finally finalized!

[worriedStepmom]

SD12's uBPDmom signed the new custody papers last night.  Starting next week, she will be restricted to seeing SD only from 10 am - 6 pm, about 45 days a year.  There's a stair-stepped requirement, so if she starts emotionally abusing SD again, we can go automatically to supervised visitation without going back to court. The papers also state that all communication with H has to go through the parenting app.  She's also still banned from texting SD.

SD told her T she was very happy that the new schedule goes into effect next week, because she really didn't want to spend 2 weeks with her mom over the winter break (as the old schedule would have required).

It took 5 months to get here.  I finally took the last draft from the L, made changes myself, and sent it back for the L to review.  The L's office didn't understand why we were insisting that some things be spelled out explicitly when it wasn't legally necessary - it's because we can lessen the drama that way.

I was pretty shocked - uBPDmom didn't have a meltdown.  She asked a few questions, but that was it.  She misread the document, and when H corrected her, she argued that he was wrong.  So she will actually be getting SD less than the document specifies. 

SD is with her mom this weekend (the last overnights), so we'll see on Monday whether mom held it together in front of SD or not.

I am really happy right now to have this finally finalized!

[CoherentMoose]

Way to keep your eye on the prize and protect your SD.  Nicely done.  Let's hope bio-mom finds a way to get healthy so she can re-establish a relationship with her daughter at some point in the future.  jdc

[I Am Redeemed]

Congrats, worriedstepmom  

You have invested lots of time, energy, and emotion into this. I am glad that there is an outcome that will reduce drama and SD's exposure to abuse and unhealthy behavior. It's good that there is the built-in protective measure of going back to supervised visits if necessary.

Anything about what happens if mom gets hospitalized again? Would that be automatic supervised visitation, as well?

[GaGrl]

So much has gone into this -- what a journey! I am so glad that your SD will have an added sense of stability now. Well done!

[livednlearned]

I'm so happy for you! You set strong boundaries in legal terms (I love that you made edits to the doc). It's master class stuff.  

SD will have less emotional whiplash with fewer immersions.

SD is with her mom this weekend (the last overnights), so we'll see on Monday whether mom held it together in front of SD or not.

When my son's schedule was drastically adjusted (four hours Sat, four hours Sun with his dad) I think he spent most of that time taking care of his dad's emotional needs.  

He also pumped a lot of fear: "you're never going to see me if they get their way"

I'm glad SD has you and a good T to talk through her feelings.

[worriedStepmom]

Anything about what happens if mom gets hospitalized again? Would that be automatic supervised visitation, as well?

Yes, that's one of the triggers for supervised visitation.  Also a doctor or therapist's recommendation for psychiatric hospitalization, even if mom doesn't follow through (we'll find out - when mom is dysregulated, she tells H everything).

We've also put in triggers for -
* filing false or frivolous cases against us or SD's T
* overdose
* threatening to leave the city/state and never see SD again
* Abusive comments towards SD ("you're evil like your father")
* Telling SD disparaging things about H, me, or SD's T
** or sending those types of comments directly to SD's T, H, or me (the harassment WILL stop)

He also pumped a lot of fear: "you're never going to see me if they get their way"

mom has been telling SD those kinds of things since H and I got married, when SD was 5.   In hindsight, it's kind of shocking that by the time she was 5 SD had already figured out that mom's narrative was unreliable.

SD's T is a lifesaver to help her work through all of this stuff.

[david]

Congrats

[Grady]

That's so wonderful Worried.  Your SD is so lucky to have you as her advocate.  What a long road.  I hope this is only the beginning of good things to come. 

[Sluggo]

Nice job.  Very happy for you

[kells76]

Really happy for you guys 

I echo jdc - it would be great if Mom could use this opportunity to become more healthy.

If not, you've still gone above and beyond for SD. So glad it all got signed.

Are you going to do something nice for yourself to "celebrate"?

[I Am Redeemed]

Yes, that's one of the triggers for supervised visitation.  Also a doctor or therapist's recommendation for psychiatric hospitalization, even if mom doesn't follow through (we'll find out - when mom is dysregulated, she tells H everything).

We've also put in triggers for -
* filing false or frivolous cases against us or SD's T
* overdose
* threatening to leave the city/state and never see SD again
* Abusive comments towards SD ("you're evil like your father")
* Telling SD disparaging things about H, me, or SD's T
** or sending those types of comments directly to SD's T, H, or me (the harassment WILL stop)
mom has been telling SD those kinds of things since H and I got married, when SD was 5.   In hindsight, it's kind of shocking that by the time she was 5 SD had already figured out that mom's narrative was unreliable.

SD's T is a lifesaver to help her work through all of this stuff.

That is a very detailed list of the behaviors that need to stop in order to protect SD, and that is wonderful that this safeguard has been put in place. Either mom stops doing these things, or she will be under supervision while with her daughter to make sure that these things don't happen. That is so good for SD. 

[GaGrl]

Well done!

[worriedStepmom]

We had 4 days of quiet, and now SD's mom has started to fret about the order.  She's really freaked out that we'll just refuse to let SD go with her and she won't have any recourse, since she can't file frivolous police reports (and she can't identify which ones are frivolous).

She also announced that she quit therapy because the order says she can't go.  (The order says we go to  supervised visitation if she is hospitalized again for inpatient or "intensive outpatient stay".)    She argued with me when I posted the text and told her it's just for hospitalization. 

Then segued to she can't go to therapy because
1) ex told T bad things about H
2a) T said H is bad (per ex)
2b) T's comments are disparaging of H.  Disparagement of H is banned in the court order 
3) Therefore H will take SD away from ex
4) therefore ex can't see T anymore because she wants to see SD
5) therefore ex can't go to any T anymore because they will all say bad things about H (because H is bad) and then H will magically find out and take SD away

If you followed that logic you get a gold star.

It's so sad, but also funny.

I commented once to clarify the text of the order and that she absolutely can go to regular outpatient therapy.  I'm going to ignore the rest. 

[GaGrl]

She is castastrophizing.

So she is now refusing to sign the new agreement?

(This is similar to the point my DH reached with his Ex when he said, "Fine. I'll tell L to get a court date set." Ex was petrified of going to court for multiple reasons, such as her previous arrests and her illicit business. She signed within 24 hours of DH finally getting fed up enough to be willing to go to court.)

[worriedStepmom]

She signed on Sunday and it was filed with the court and signed by a judge on Tuesday.   

[Grady]

Oh my, you definitely have your hands full.  I'm glad the order was signed and it's official so this behavior won't impact that.  I definitely could not follow her logic.  She is definitely going to try to play the martyr, but I know you guys are so used to it. 

It's hard because she can't understand simple things and is using her misunderstanding to make herself even sicker by refusing to go to therapy and blaming it on you.  Since when would a court not want her to get therapy? 

[I Am Redeemed]

Her logic reminds me very much of my ex's, and it's almost persecutory delusional (heck, maybe it IS persecutory delusional). It sounds like she is back to victim stance (anything I do or say will be scrutinized and used against me).

The lack of self-awareness really is astonishing (and concerning).

Not continuing therapy will actually lead her away from SD. It's very tragic that she can't see that.

Do you think she will be very resistant to getting treatment that she needs now that she knows that even a recommendation of inpatient treatment will put her on supervised visitation?

Too bad stopping therapy wasn't included on the list

[worriedStepmom]

I hadn't heard of persecutory delusions before, but it certainly appears to fit her.  Not just now, but through the last few years.

She's been posting steadily for the last few days, alternating between whining that "all parents make mistakes and I can't believe you are singling me out", misinterpreting the agreement and saying H isn't following it so therefore he's also a bad parent,  and demanding extra ways to contact SD "since you won't let me see her much".

The good news is the rants are more muted than in the past and don't cross the line into outright personal attacks.  That is a BIG positive change.

She's also decided group therapy is allowed, so hopefully she'll go to that (and hopefully it's DBT).  If we have to go back to court again, we'll write in that she's required to go to some form of therapy.   

[40days_in_desert]

Something in your last post resonated with me. Where your H's ex made claims that your H isn't following the agreement. I've been accused eleven or twelve times of the same thing. I have asked her each time to let me know where I violated/did not follow the agreement. I figure heck, I'm not perfect. If she did replied with anything other than a promise to send said violation, it was only a few times where she would offer some false recollection of what was in the agreement. I would look that section up and take a picture and send it to her showing that the agreement stated otherwise. If she didn't provide anything where she felt that I was in violation, I considered the matter resolved.

 

[mart555]

If you followed that logic you get a gold star.

It's so sad, but also funny.

The main thing I learned from the "stop caretaking" book is that you cannot reason with a bod using facts or logic.  Don't even bother trying.  It goes nowhere.  Wait until they calm down and try again but usually you get the same result.  So save your energy

[worriedStepmom]

Something in your last post resonated with me. Where your H's ex made claims that your H isn't following the agreement. I've been accused eleven or twelve times of the same thing. I have asked her each time to let me know where I violated/did not follow the agreement. I figure heck, I'm not perfect. If she did replied with anything other than a promise to send said violation, it was only a few times where she would offer some false recollection of what was in the agreement. I would look that section up and take a picture and send it to her showing that the agreement stated otherwise. If she didn't provide anything where she felt that I was in violation, I considered the matter resolved.
 

ex sends H pictures of the agreement along with a completely wacky interpretation of what it means.  We respond once with a clarification of what it actually means.  Then a second time that simply says "That interpretation is incorrect."  Then we ignore anything else on that issue.

[worriedStepmom]

It's been a few weeks now, and SD seems really happy with the new no-overnights schedule   

Her mom has calmed down a little, and seems to have made an effort to plan activities when SD is with her. 

SD has also enjoyed the time at home with just us and no annoying siblings (the other 2 kids spent 2 weeks with their dad over the break).   She and H have had some good one-on-one time too.

[Grady]

That's great to hear it's been working out so far.  I hope it continues to stay that way.  Maybe this was the wake up she needed to start to work on herself.  And I'm sure SD loved having alone time with you guys.   

[livednlearned]

My son blossomed too when overnights went away.

I have heard that BPD traits can get worse at night. They certainly did for my ex.

The sheer strain of holding himself together during the day seemed to unravel him at night, at the same time he was dealing with perceived abandonment when someone else went to bed, leaving him alone.

I'm sure I could look back at all the voice mails and emails and texts and compare time stamps. His day self was a lot less unstable than his night self.

Glad SD12 gets to avoid that, not to mention the knowledge that caring adults looked out for her. She has a grounding place to return to each night and she can still have a modified relationship with mom.