Moving on processes

[alittleawkward]

After seeing my Therapist last week regarding the status of my relationship with my exwdbpd I have decided I want to start cleansing myself of the hooks that they have on me. It has after all, been 6 months since we split.

The trouble is, I'm a very sentimental person, and have things as small as golf score cards and train tickets from when we were just friends through to the wallet that I use, and drawings on my bedroom wall at my family house that are all related to her somehow. I even have a physical scar on my hand from an infection she gave me so I find it impossible to even look at my fingers without having a flashback to her.

All the pictures of her and us together aren't on my computer or phone anymore but sit on a USB stick in a drawer along with screenshots of the times she threatened to self harm or break up with me over minor things, and screenshots of the tweets that she has put out about me since our split. I kept them as a defence mechanism in case she ever explicitly overshared about me online or tried to threaten me some how, and even had a chat with a policeman who confirmed I could likely do her for slander or get a restraining order if I needed/wanted to. It was also a good reminder for any time I wanted to reminisce over our pictures I'd have to sieve through all the hurtful things too.

Finally, when we split, she gave me back everything I had ever given her. Clothes, sex toys, skin cream, half eaten chocolate bars, dead flowers, tickets to random things; the whole shi-bang. All of it is still in a shopping bag in my attic but I'm now at the stage where I wonder if there's something else I can do. When my parents split my mum kept a bag of my dads stuff that she just left in the bottom of her cupboard - it's still there.

I've never had a serious relationship before this one and where as my ex got rid of everything to do with me straight away, I'm considering only starting to break it all down now. How did you guys deal with the process of letting go? My therapist recommends I block her on everything and get rid of every instance that I get a moment that I think of her, but truthfully that is impossible considering my physical scars and our friendship group, and I'm not keen on the idea of blocking her as we have left things civil. I've stopped checking up on her social medias too. I'm wondering where a good place is to start to try and keep the amount of remunitions I experience down.

[Rev]

I've never had a serious relationship before this one and where as my ex got rid of everything to do with me straight away, I'm considering only starting to break it all down now. How did you guys deal with the process of letting go? My therapist recommends I block her on everything and get rid of every instance that I get a moment that I think of her, but truthfully that is impossible considering my physical scars and our friendship group, and I'm not keen on the idea of blocking her as we have left things civil. I've stopped checking up on her social medias too. I'm wondering where a good place is to start to try and keep the amount of remunitions I experience down.

Hi - That's a tough question to answer because it's contextual.

Maybe you can say a little more about a few things -

You say you have physical scars. Do you mean the scar on your finger? Was the infection traumatic for you?

You say that you left things civil.  What does that look like in concrete terms?

What are the things that you are ruminating about?


Personally - I dropped everything and removed every single physical memory of my exW uBPD - including a cease and desist - and now I find the ruminations that I have pertain to my own self-awareness and perception - and it has been work to face these things but necessary.  How much do you know about trauma bonds and how they work?

You sound like you are about to confront some serious reality of what you lived with your ex and what you think you lived.

I am happy for you in the sense that if this is true, you are set to live into a new reality that better reflects who you are.

Keep moving forward.  The feelings are yucky for sure - they don't last forever.

Rev

[alittleawkward]

Hi Rev, thanks for the response.

You say you have physical scars. Do you mean the scar on your finger? Was the infection traumatic for you?

Yes, I actually have 3 scars she gave me.  The infection was frustrating because it was ongoing for 8 months and really wore me down physically, and when I had to start going for surgery for it I'd just broken up with my exwdbpd. Kinda felt like a sign that something was up with everything going on. I wouldn't call it traumatic, just annoying. My ex has since made comments on the scars along the lines of 'im glad you have something to remember me by'. Bit weird.

You say that you left things civil.  What does that look like in concrete terms?

What do you mean by concrete?
For now in person we are ok. She said she has very little bad things to say about me and she's there to chat to if I need someone to chat with. She wished me a merry christmas and good new year, and has also apologised for how awfully she treated me. We have left it in a position where no more needs to be said, but if something comes up, a conversation can be had. She still indirectly tweets about me from time to time however she's been doing this since towards the end of our relationship so I'm over it now, and they have greatly lessened in regularity. I understand that this is also one of her more 'immature' coping mechanisms that comes with BPD.

What are the things that you are ruminating about?

Having someone to message whilst bored at work - lying in bed and being able to spoon her - going on cute dates around London and just finally having a companion that I thought got me. Wanted to do the same things as me. Had the same goals as me. The same humour. The same outlook on the world. I find myself caught in paradigms when her face is inches in front of me smiling so sweetly, or specific scenarios that happened in the middle of our relationship, like driving somewhere together or being intimate in her old uni room. A shame about all the baggage that came with it though.



In the last fortnight or so I've really been able to reflect on how far I've come since the split. I feel a lot more emotionally stable, and don't feel so flustered when I see something that reminds me of my ex or get told about them. I would just like to start lessening the occurrences because don't get me wrong it still makes me uncomfortable, it's just something I get on with now.

[SinisterComplex]

I understand being sentimental. Believe me I do. However, you cannot let your sentimentality dictate you.

Anyway, everyone has to go on their own journey to salvation essentially. There is no one universal right way to go about it.

The most important thing is to truly focus on you and create the world you WANT. This starts internally. You have to build from the inside out. Getting what you want out of life and attracting the right people into your life is truly about what you project and your mindsets. Many can argue about that, but its the truth. When you are in a weak, desperate place and thinking from a place of scarcity you will attract crappy people who will prey upon your vulnerability and use it to their advantage. When you are happy, confident, strong and thinking from a place of power you will naturally more good into your life and the the disordered and crappy people will steer clear of you. Being positive attracts all kinds of people, but as long as you do not relent...the bad apples fade away into the wind.

In saying that...perhaps one of the best ways for you to truly move on and stop the ruminations is to find something you are truly passionate about and throw yourself into it. If you can do that your mind will become trained to focus on what you are doing in the here and now. The past is the past. It has already happened. Let it go because it cannot be undone. You can only change the present and the future. Start focusing on what you can do right now and set a goal you want to accomplish in the future and then start making plans and take baby steps to reach that goal.

Cheers and best wishes to you!

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[alittleawkward]

perhaps one of the best ways for you to truly move on and stop the ruminations is to find something you are truly passionate about and throw yourself into it. If you can do that your mind will become trained to focus on what you are doing in the here and now. The past is the past. It has already happened. Let it go because it cannot be undone. You can only change the present and the future. Start focusing on what you can do right now and set a goal you want to accomplish in the future and then start making plans and take baby steps to reach that goal.

Thanks for the reply Sinister. I have an amazing group of friends who have supported me throughout the break up and my recent history that I am wildly grateful for.

The tricky thing is i have 2 intense passions that I immerse myself in daily, I grew to know my ex through one of them and since we got together she has adopted the other as an interest for herself. It's tricky because I love throwing myself into these 2 hobbies but I often catch myself pausing thinking about her when I'm doing something for just me, whether its by myself or with friends. It also means I will likely bump into her on a semi-regular basis in the future when attending events. It's frustrating that the 2 passions I hold dear to myself are so heavily intertwined with her now.

As you say, the past is the past, and I'm certainly coming round to accepting that. I am much less regretful but rather grateful for the experience and the learning that I have had throughout this last year, and have a much clearer vision of what I want form a relationship and the boundaries that would come with it. I have a clear vision of what I'd like to achieve in the next year, but thereafter it's blurry and incredibly vague. Maybe this is a theme to revisit in 6 months time or so.

[SinisterComplex]

So when it comes to passions...every single one of us has passions that we have often thought about, but then pushed aside in our minds. So what I am saying...to detach yourself you must develop a new passion and start from scratch and make it all your own. Since the other two essentially keep you tied to her it does stunt the healing process.

No one can predict the future. All you can do is live in the now and set yourself up for success and put yourself into positions to allow positive opportunities to take place.

With saying that...I think your head is in the right place and I truly wish you the best moving forward on your journey.

Cheers!

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[Rev]

Bit weird.

Yes it is - pw BPD fear abandonment so much that they will often hold on to anything - pictures - personal effects - in this case memorie - to fantasize that they still have contact with someone.

For now in person we are ok.

OK as in civil - or okay as in closure? In my case, an others, being around my ex (who was abusive) is not a great thing for me.  It's not an easy thing to get sorted out. Is it possible that you are "wanting it to be okay" as a way of making it easier to deal with?  The trauma bond can run deep in BPD relationships.

Having someone to message whilst bored at work - lying in bed and being able to spoon her - going on cute dates around London and just finally having a companion that I thought got me. Wanted to do the same things as me. Had the same goals as me. The same humour. The same outlook on the world. I find myself caught in paradigms when her face is inches in front of me smiling so sweetly, or specific scenarios that happened in the middle of our relationship, like driving somewhere together or being intimate in her old uni room. A shame about all the baggage that came with it though.

Is it possible that your are, on an on conscious level, beginning to sort which parts of your relationship were real and which were not?


I would just like to start lessening the occurrences because don't get me wrong it still makes me uncomfortable, it's just something I get on with now.

It really sounds like you are getting there.  It really is a process - step by step - that doesn't go in a straight line. Memory is a really funny thing. I'm finding exchanges like this one and new lived experiences are the way for me to move forward like you are.

Have a great day!

Rev

[Forgiveness]

I agree with what others have said. Instead of telling myself "STOP, that is not allowed" I have another approach which I call "redirecting my attention." So for example when I find myself wanting to open Facebook to see what she is doing, I don't say "NO FACEBOOK" instead I say, "What would be helpful to me right now?" And then I find something fun. The garden! The dog! Whatever. It doesn't have to be one of those two hobbies you mentioned but it can be ANYTHING... a good book, a long walk, and friends. I'm glad you have good friends. I think in the long run it's community that saves us. We are social creatures. Take care. These things do resolve over time.

[alittleawkward]

Thanks for the reply Rev.

OK as in civil - or okay as in closure? In my case, an others, being around my ex (who was abusive) is not a great thing for me.  It's not an easy thing to get sorted out. Is it possible that you are "wanting it to be okay" as a way of making it easier to deal with?  The trauma bond can run deep in BPD relationships.

Ok as in a little bit of both. It was really nice to have her company again and chat like we were friends, and we said things to each other which definitely helped shift the weight of the whole break up. She updated me on her friends I was close to, and I did the same back to her. There is definitely a trauma bond there, my T made me very aware of it. I want to be ok, sure, but I'm also coming to terms with the reality of it all. The reflective criticism, the splitting, and the constant condescending nature of so many of our interactions really surface when I think back to our relationship now, as well as all the good bits. I don't want to get back into something so unpredictable and quite frankly uncomfortable, despite all the amazing moments we had. Since the day we split up I've said all I want is my friend back, but now I just want us to be civil, and accept the history we have together. Still, in sorts, there for each other, but only if absolutely essential. Like a distant relative.

I'm not going to push to see her again any time soon, or even message her again... but I trust that if we cross paths I won't be nervous to my core anymore. I spent a day at a theme park in october with my friends but found out she was also there too, and I spent the entire day quiet and shaking and distant - genuinely terrified she'd ruin my day to the point I was 'seeing' her everywhere, and I ruined it myself out of the fear of it all. But through confronting the monster it has allowed me to get rid of those fears and pack some of my emotional bags. She tweets about me daily, about how naive I am, but also how she wants to text me that she misses me but she's waiting for me to text it first. I'd be a fool to run back to that so soon, if ever. I don't think a text like that will be sent again.

I just hope over the next 6 months I can achieve what I wish to off my own back and finish creating the foundations for my future I was terrified she was toppling.

[Rev]

I just hope over the next 6 months I can achieve what I wish to off my own back and finish creating the foundations for my future I was terrified she was toppling.

Hope does not disappoint.  You are a strong man.  Prayers to you this Christmas.

Rev

[alittleawkward]

I don't say "NO FACEBOOK" instead I say, "What would be helpful to me right now?" And then I find something fun. The garden! The dog! Whatever. It doesn't have to be one of those two hobbies you mentioned but it can be ANYTHING... a good book, a long walk, and friends. I'm glad you have good friends. I think in the long run it's community that saves us. We are social creatures. Take care. These things do resolve over time.

I am coming to appreciate time is absolutely the greatest healer. How I wish I could see me now from 6 months ago!

I have taken to reading before I go to bed and any time I'm tempted to go on her socials - I also just remind myself I have studying to do and better things to worry about then whether or not she's still sulking about it all. Sometimes the desire is unavoidable but again something my T has bought up is that it's not necessarily bad to give into your temptations to check up, just beware of the consequences and to not have unrealistic expectations in doing so. Sometimes I am far too curious for my own good, and can't help but see what she's up to and thats ok. Other times I stop myself in my tracks and realise I simply do not care.

I suppose the epiphany that her problems are no longer anything to do with me has struck, and if anything does arise i now need to act on them appropriately rather then just bowing to her desire. I have my own things to be concerned about. Trying to reconstruct my positive outlook on life. Sometimes i get paranoid that my friends are frustrated with me considering how long the situation has dragged on, and that they purposely ignore my standard, typical and friendly attempts at conversation over social media, but also these spikes of nervousness always pass. I have also started booking a holiday with my friends in the summer of next year which gives me something completely unrelated to this scenario to look forward to. I think so long as I keep treading this path I'll end up ok!

[SinisterComplex]

You will be just fine. You are on the right path. I think all of us here are on your side. Just keep doing what is best for you. No one can tell you what to do. Only you can decide what to do.

Cheers and may lady luck and good fortune shine on you.

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[alittleawkward]

Have come back to my family house for Christmas and there are reminders of our relationship everywhere. Seen a few groups of friends and all of them have asked about our relationship  - ideally I'd say I don't want to talk about it but I still do and end up pouring my heart out. A few of my closer friends are fed up of hearing about it, but have also rehashed some of the crazier things she told me when we were together - like being paid to comment on the size of one of her friend's penises, and how when I met up with her after I told her it was over she said she'd only been acting funny because one of my old uni mates had bought nudes off of her and was trying to blackmail her into sending more (I know this isn't true). I have noticed I'm talking about it a lot less to people already in the know though.

I have a mural I've been drawing on my wall and some of it has date locations we went on, and also the lurking feeling knowing that the bag of her stuff is in my cupboards doesn't help me with this ominous air about the house. I'd like to send her a message asking if she wants any of her stuff back before I put it in a charity bag, but I worry around this time of year she'd find a reason to say I've ruined Christmas or NY by messaging her - especially considering around this time last year was really special for us too. I'm considering waiting until the end of January when she'd be getting some of her university results through, asking her how it went, and then asking about her stuff.

The resistance to checking up on her virtual presence has weakened and I'm back to doing it several times a day and getting myself into a nervous state if I haven't done it in a little while. I'm not sure if I have mentioned it before but the fact we are both part of a very big and intense friendship circle makes it very difficult to avoid her presence in person, in conversation, or online. She's now pointed out that her parents and family really don't approve of her onlyfans and she still puts on this fake narrative that it is just 'burlesque material', whilst she's producing videos of herself nude, everything on show. She also is still interacting with her other ex, which makes me concerned that her therapy isn't doing much for her (or if she's even still going), and in the last week she posted her own nudes publicly online. I have a feeling that in not being in a proper relationship she is craving attention more than ever. She still tweets about me but at this point, I don't know why I care or why I'm pointing this out, as a fortnight ago I was truly untriggered by anything she had to say and wasn't tempted to look. I want to be able to move on and leave her to it but I just can't right now. I'm addicted to finding out what she'll say next.

We ultimately left everything on a fairly open note - so I'm hoping if/when I do message her about her stuff she'll be fairly civil in response. I also intend to finally shut down my private twitter that I had with her and have written a little note implying that I'm not going to be using social media much and if she ever needs me she should call me - although I doubt she will, as it's been 6 months and I have always been the one to call first. I think this is more getting over the lie that she ever truly 'needed me'.

Despite all this I still fantasise and genuinely hope I'll be able to reach out to her as a mate like I used to be able to in the future, and be able to do friend-things with her again soon. In coming home the idea of getting back together has really risen but I also know how utterly stupid that would be. I'm very wary because I want to contact her and just catch up and chat, but do not want to give any hope to her or let her misinterpret me as leading her on, as I know that emotions are still mixed up after seeing each other a few weeks back. I'm so fed up of waiting around and just want to be able to call her a friend again though.

[Rev]

I think this is more getting over the lie that she ever truly 'needed me'.

Despite all this I still fantasise and genuinely hope I'll be able to reach out to her as a mate like I used to be able to in the future, and be able to do friend-things with her again soon. In coming home the idea of getting back together has really risen but I also know how utterly stupid that would be.

Hey my friend... I hear a sense of such normal discouragement in your voice.  I still feel it all the time and yet if you were look at me - every other indicator is that I am doing way better.

Are you feeling discouraged?  If so - maybe this will help. This is why what you are going through is normal and helpful even - even though it really, really sucks.

Think of it this way - you've had a relapse. You feel the emotions - but these are not new feelings - they are old feelings coming back. That's not a cause of what is happening - it's a byproduct of your brain retraining itself to think in new ways.  This takes time and you reaching out here is part of seeing the progress you are making.  Every time you tell your story, you start to re-frame it, because our memories synthesize self-awareness into our perception.

All this - as lousy as it feels - is a sign the you are dealing with the deeper stuff that once gone will mean that there is less chance to be stuck.

All the best... keep at it.

Blessings,

Rev

[SinisterComplex]

"I think this is more getting over the lie that she ever truly 'needed me'." - It is such a devilish thing isn't it? The way you feel and ponder that. How you feel sadly is by design. It sucks. It hurts. However, it is what it is. The most important thing I can say here to you though is that you should never wait for anyone. Life waits for NO ONE! You have your own life to live. If you are meant to be friends well then it shall come to pass and truthfully that will ultimately be your decision. Always keep in mind in any relationship...romantic or friends it takes two to tango and there needs to be effort from both sides. If it is one-sided never be afraid to pull the plug, rip the band-aid off and tell that person to go kick rocks because you respect yourself and you deserve to be treated how you treat others...which is with kindness and respect! (I reiterate this to instill confidence in you).

And yes Rev is right...you are dealing with deeper stuff. It is ok. Everything in its due time. Just keep living life, don't force anything and let nature take its course. Keep venting as much as you need to here. Even though this is essentially a momentary relapse...it will pass.

Cheers and best wishes!

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[alittleawkward]

Thank you for the replies. Very aware that healing is not linear and in reflection its clear that this was a bump, and as we all seem to say collectively, time is the greatest healer - I suppose these last 72 hours have been one of those moments when you get so caught up in your emotions you temporarily lose sight of the end of the tunnel.

Saw another group of friends today who were really supportive of me and I had come to realise that not deleting my exes message history on anything has probably been quite destructive as when in a reminiscing mood I could just scroll through them all - I have now deleted every single one of our messages on all various message apps and have blocked her on a selection of social medias and messaging apps too. I have also deactivated my private twitter. I'm hoping for now this is enough, but of course if I need to do more I can always remove the remaining.

Still toying with the idea of what to do with the remaining stuff I have of hers - whether to sell it, charity bag it, or ask her if she wants any of it back. I suppose it's been 6 months now so if she wanted any of it back she's had ample time to say..

Anyway thanks for the continued input and support, sometimes you get so trapped in your own head about stuff that really doesn't matter any more, or at all, and you just need a few comments and conversations to pull you out. Much appreciated!

[SinisterComplex]

"Anyway thanks for the continued input and support, sometimes you get so trapped in your own head about stuff that really doesn't matter any more, or at all, and you just need a few comments and conversations to pull you out. Much appreciated!"

For sure. Here to help. Vent, get your thoughts out. This board is a phenomenal place where people can come together to truly support one another who have been dealt some rough emotional cataclysms more or less.

Cheers to you, happy holidays, and best wishes to you!

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[alittleawkward]

It’s Christmas and I found out she had told me more lies when I met up with her in person. Heartbroken once more I have decided I can’t be asked to go through this again, so I cleared her number and blocked her on everything. I’ve blocked her before but have always unblocked her after a month or so, so we’ll see how this goes. I was intending to send her a text asking if she wanted any of her clothes back but now I think I’m just going to sell them or put them in a charity bag. I’m so tired of the constant emotional stress.

[SinisterComplex]

I am sorry to hear of the hurt. Believe me I understand. I sincerely wish you good fortune and strength to come your way so you can truly move on and get past her. She isn't worth all this. That is for sure.

For you...finding out more lies should reinforce NC and make it permanent.

Move forward, live well, and I hope phenomenal opportunities will be placed in your path from here on out.

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-

[alittleawkward]

I've felt the best I had since the break up during this past week. Been working on myself. Hung about with loads of friends. Kept busy. No signs of nervousness or anxiety anywhere since Christmas which was huge considering what I was getting up to.

This evening one of my friends gave me a gift that reminded me of my ex so I decided to look through her twitter. Bad mistake. Quickly engrossed in her narrative. The shakes and intensified heart beat returned. I suppose I was subconsciously testing the water to see how it made me feel.

They're still talking to their horrible ex - boasting about how awful they get treated by him. They still talk about how I was naive to end the relationship without working on it/forgiving. It seems the number of people that entertain these comments has dwindled slightly which is good, and they are far less frequent, maybe twice a week now rather than daily - but I am directly being called out now.

I've sold some of their old clothes they gave back. I've binned the vast majority of their physical stuff they gave me (which was hard as I'm a very sentimental person; probably why I'm struggling to let go of her so much as well as everything else!). There's something peacefully satisfying about removing these remnants of our relationship from my life.
She is no longer the main body of my conversation. It doesn't occur to me to think about what she's up to in her day to day life. The remunitions have become so much less intense and regular. It's nice noticing myself move on now.

The gift my friend gave me is something I promised my ex I would share with her even as a friend if I ever got my hands on it. I would like to share it with her but realistically I know its probably a bad idea to reach out at this time. It seems like in blocking her and forcing myself to finally move on I've created a scenario where there is hope for peace at the end of the tunnel and I intend to maintain that possibility. Whether that involves her still being part of my life is another question. I'd love to send this gift to her tomorrow, but I don't want to open the door to another cascade of berating text messages. I'm going to wait and see if it's something I'll have for myself, or if I bump into her in our friendship circle in the near future and see how things pan out then, unless anyone else suggests a different action. Just kind of journalling my progress on here now!
 

[alittleawkward]

Had a very peaceful few weeks - working hard, hitting targets, booking holidays, saving money, going out, just having a good time. I feel so refreshed compared to the nervous, trapped wreck I was last year. Blocking and binning all the things that triggered me to do with her was a very good decision that I should've done sooner. In the last month I've even started putting myself out there again and have started talking to a new person. I often find now that reading through these forums digs up bad feelings but at the same time I feel like it's a safe place to vent. So yeah. My ex texted me last week and it was a bit weird.

I've been tweeting a lot recently and a lot of our friendship group have been interacting with what I have to say. So last week my ex reached out for the first time in 2 months and the conversation went something along the lines of:

Ex: Hi. Just wondering why I'm still blocked on twitter? I thought we were on good terms. If you have me blocked because you don't want to see what I'm tweeting that's cool, I'm just curious. Not stalking you or anything, your stuff is just coming up on my feed but I can't view it.

Me: Yeah hi, I've got you blocked because I don't wanna see your tweets, is all.

Ex: Ok thats cool. Just thought I'd let you know I'm doing really well at the moment. Like the best I've ever been.

Me: Thats good. I'm happy for you.

And that was it. I'm trying work out the motive. If she wanted a conversation why didn't she continue it? Was telling me she's doing well a jab at me? why does she care about my twitter?  Even if she did care, I know she's got a second account I haven't blocked so she can see my tweets anyway. Is she just testing her hooks still? Just kinda confused and wonder what an outsiders perspective on it all might be. It kinda frustrates me that after everything she thinks we're on 'good' terms, especially after the last time I saw her she spent 2 days texting me who I could/n't be friends with. It's been 5 days since these texts so the convo is definitely over. I've deleted the chat so I don't have her number on my phone anymore. Something about it is still nagging at me though. Wondering if anyone has anything to say on it.

[Rev]

Ex: Hi. Just wondering why I'm still blocked on twitter? I thought we were on good terms. If you have me blocked because you don't want to see what I'm tweeting that's cool, I'm just curious. Not stalking you or anything, your stuff is just coming up on my feed but I can't view it.

Me: Yeah hi, I've got you blocked because I don't wanna see your tweets, is all.

Ex: Ok thats cool. Just thought I'd let you know I'm doing really well at the moment. Like the best I've ever been.

Me: Thats good. I'm happy for you.

And that was it. I'm trying work out the motive. If she wanted a conversation why didn't she continue it? Was telling me she's doing well a jab at me? why does she care about my twitter?  Even if she did care, I know she's got a second account I haven't blocked so she can see my tweets anyway. Is she just testing her hooks still? Just kinda confused and wonder what an outsiders perspective on it all might be. It kinda frustrates me that after everything she thinks we're on 'good' terms, especially after the last time I saw her she spent 2 days texting me who I could/n't be friends with. It's been 5 days since these texts so the convo is definitely over. I've deleted the chat so I don't have her number on my phone anymore. Something about it is still nagging at me though. Wondering if anyone has anything to say on it.

Hello again my friend...

So here's the bottom line.  If your ex is truly a pwBPD you will NEVER - as in NEVER, EVER know the true motivation behind what she was looking for.  Her ideation could have been that she was feeling lousy that day and needed a hit of some kind of contact.  Or maybe somebody mentioned your name, or maybe she misses you …. or maybe she wants you to miss her or... do you get the point.

The point is that pwBPD have no object constancy - as in their interactions with others are really awkward because their inner sense of self is vacant. It's a horrible existence really.

Good on you for deleting everything...  My mentor always loves to say "Rev, you can't have just a little bit of heroin."  So the nagging will stop eventually.  My guess - the nagging is just lingering feelings that haven't been uprooted. I still get them - and I haven't spoken to my ex in four and a half months when she showed up to my place of work. That exchange lasted literally less than a minute.

Getting out of a relationship like this - it's like root canal. You've got to get it all or else the infection comes back.

Now go take on the day!

Rev

[alittleawkward]

So a few more little updates.
At the weekend I went and visited some of my extended family. My cousin has recently been sectioned, where she'd been in intense mental health care. She has also had her diagnosis switched from bi-polar to BPD. I was talking to my aunt about BPD and she recommended I bought 'Stop Walking On Eggshells'. So I did. And it's like another humungous piece of closure and understanding that I never had before.

My ex and I have been talking a little more. It's nice. It's civil. It's controlled. It's polite. It's positive. I've found out she's stopped selling sexual content. She's also still in therapy. She feels a lot happier at the moment. These are good signs of change, right? My anxiousness of receiving and sending texts has completely gone now. I feel like I'm finally back at ground zero with this entire thing. Reading through walking on eggshells, I appreciate why she did all the things she did now. I don't necessarily forgive them, just understand better. We started making our friendship-old jokes from years back in our string of texts. All I want to do is reach out to her and say how sorry I am that she has to go through what she does every single day and I'm sorry that I left her like I did.

I'm trying to work out what I want from talking to her now, as well though, as I'm wary that I might be slipping back down the rabbit hole. I'm not sure I want to get back with her, especially as realistically it would be a long distance relationship for a while as well, and if I were to get back with her I'd really like to lay the foundations properly all over again rather than jumping straight back into it to ensure if I did do anything it would be a clear cut start of a new relationship. Having said that I've tried some things with a couple other people and there is absolutely no connection, so the idea of getting back together is becoming more and more tempting by the day. But also I really miss these chats. I want to hear from her again. I want to talk about the latest gig she went to, how her therapy is going, what her favourite drink is at the moment, how her cat is, what she thinks of the latest release from a record label we both like.

My friends who I've explained the situation to seem sympathetic. I'm trying to work out what my next move should be. Small steps right? A phone call in the next month or so? Meet up and just have a catch up? See where we stand? I don't know. Any advice here would be appreciated.

I know a lot of my friends would be 'disappointed' in me if I gave it another shot, but also now that my grasp on BPD has become so much stronger compared to the emotionally crushed guy I was last summer, I feel like I have a better chance of survival.