Hideous conflict and explosive temper

[Etsy]

Feeling rather shell shocked, after my teenage daughters, latest outburst of anger and rage. She was sat in the lounge with me, having just watched some TV together. She is currently unwell with flu, so dosed up on paracetamol and ibuprofen. Having been to the shops and got all comfort food for being unwell, same as I did yesterday. I called the Dr as she wanted me to, who confirmed flu, made her food. Then she wrapped the cat in a blanket, I asked her not to do that as the cat didn't like it, but she continued. I said you shouldn't have pets if you cant be nice to them. She told me I should never have been a mother, threw the tv  remote at me, which missed me) and then stood over me, point a finger in my face and shouting at me, hit me twice with a slipper. When I told her if she continued I would call the police, she told me she would tell them I was being  abusive to her, she then tried to get  the phone off me ... all so quick all out of no where. I hate conflict, so hard to deal with,  to defend yourself and try and soothe her at the same time ... it is so hard when in the midst of things  to validate the emotions whilst separating the bad and unacceptable behaviour and try defined yourself, I tried to send her to her room, but she would not go, it is horrible not being able to relax in your own home. She threatens to leave, and a small part of me thinks let me help you pack your bags. But I also see the distress in her face, and I am heart broken for the pain she is in, but at the same time thinking have I just been played! And then i am just overwhelmed with sadness. All my words get twisted and pulled out of context, she hears what she wants to hear!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Swimmy55]

Hi Etsy,
 I am sorry to hear about your daughter.  I completely understand that you want to soothe her and defend yourself at the same time.  However, she lost the privilege of being soothed as soon as she became violent with you.  Hitting you/ throwing things at you  with objects and trying to grab the phone our of your hand shows that her behavior is escalating.  I know as a mother , you hate the idea of getting police involved, but safety is first, yours as well as hers.  She is in distress, yes, but if she can't control herself you may need help to help her .  Please don't be afraid to have to call them if you must.  Have you been able to obtain  a new therapist for her ( I am sorry if I am not remembering correctly)?

[Swimmy55]

I have read your other posts, is there a therapist she is still in touch with at the center she was at, or no?  Would she be willing to see another / go back? Please write back here as you need to.

[Etsy]

Hi Swimmy55, thanks for replying. DD got discharged from our local mental health service just over a week ago, which she gladly accepted - she said that they did nothing to help her and that she would fix herself. I had already asked my Dr (GP) for her to be transferred  as our local mental health service for children here, does not appear to have the relevant skill set/expertise. It appears that they partially smooth over some of the cracks of the problems. ( this is also a worry as I am aware that not having the right care can further damage this fragile state of emotional disregulation) I have along with my daughter been asking for help with dissociation - for over 4 years ( I even found a consultant at a specialist clinic for dissociation in london 18 months ago who wrote me a lovely email, who were willing to speak to my daughters clinical team, and to give them guidance - this never happened, my daughters team never followed it up. My Dr sent a letter to our local childrens mental health service, to request a transfer, the old service is being difficult with my Dr by asking, is this for a 2nd opinion, as a transfer is not usually normally. I recognize we are in need of mediation, and she needs help. So at the moment we are caught in the politics of the transfer. As a single mum I have no back up - no stabilising influence to enable effective triangulation. (Having briefly read the article on here)

[Etsy]

Swimmy 55, thanks for taking time to read other posts   

[Swimmy55]

I certainly see your frustration with the system.  In the meantime, here is a link on boundaries that may be helpful https://bpdfamily.com/content/setting-boundaries
Please take a look under the tools bar .  There is a drop down list that goes over some communication strategies that may help with your DD.  Here is one on ending conflict.  https://bpdfamily.com/content/ending-conflict.

Out of love, we try to protect and prevent an undesirable outcome . For example, the next time the she wraps the cat up in a blanket, let the cat react and if that means teeth and claws, so be it.  The above strategies suggested don't magically make everything ok again, however they may be able to provide breathing room for you.  Another thing that is helping me is trying to work on acceptance- the BPD kids will believe and hear what they want, no matter what.  " What others think of me is none of my business- including my child" is a mantra I have to repeat to myself .  Please continue to write here.

[Etsy]

Thanks Swimmy55  I am Just going to read link you have sent