Any good education/school selection agreements?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hi there,

Wondering if any of you have created school selection agreements that worked well for you.  We're trying to figure out elementary school selection.  (Preschool selection wasn't easy... a judge ultimately made the decision.)

Grateful for any wisdom you can share.

[Aiming4Kindness]

Hi there,

Wondering if any of you have created school selection agreements that worked well for you.  We're trying to figure out elementary school selection.  (Preschool selection wasn't easy... a judge ultimately made the decision.)

Grateful for any wisdom you can share.

[ForeverDad]

My lawyer said that reasonably normal parents will change schools back and forth between them depending on which schools get the best scores from year to year.  We here, dealing with often possessive/controlling ex-spouses, generally never ever see that sort of cooperation.

At the moment I can't suggest more than these two perspectives.  The disordered parent is likely to move more often than the reasonably normal, stable parent.  I had a two year divorce.  When we reached Trial Day and my then-spouse could delay no more, she surprised us with finally agreeing to a settlement instead.  By then I was jaded about whatever she wanted and told her, "Settling must include I am the parent for school matters - Primary parent for school purposes."  She begged.  Both lawyers, mine included, stated it meant nothing.  I stood my ground.  "It's that or we go to trial."  We settled.  Previously her school had stated they had resolved all issues with her.  Then it changed and I got approval from the school to let our son finish kindergarten (it was early March) before going to my school.  By mid-April she had caused enough scenes at school that they gave me one day to register him in my school.  Moral of my story... the lawyers were wrong and I was proven insightful.  Since then she has moved twice, once out of the county.  I've never moved.  Imagine if she had remained in control of school after the final decree, I would have had to move to follow her.

A second point is that you should never make vague financial promises.  You have no idea what your financial future or your ex's future decisions might be.

In any deals, make sure you know what the maximum costs are, set price limits to local inexpensive comparables.  There was one dad here many years ago who agreed to pay school expenses, figuring they would be only a few hundred dollars per year.  Ex then immediately enrolled their child in a private school and he got stuck with high tuition costs and the court just looked at him and essentially ruled, "You agreed she would handle school decisions and that you would pay the costs, you're stuck."

[Turkish]

What was the conflict on preschool selection? There are a lot more choices at that level than K onwards.

My ex wanted our daughter to skip pre-school into Pre-K. She wanted to skip our son from K into 1st. She told me at the time that both kids were geniuses. It was obvious from 2 years that our son was sharp. People would comment on it, even older neighbor kids. He was diagnosed with ASD1 when he was 7. He's gifted by my estimation (so am I), but he's not a genius. Our daughter is above average, but I doubt is gifted. 

We live kind of in "The Hood." Our school scores low.  However, the principal and staff are very good.  We are the first elementary school in Santa Clara County (Silicon Valley) to beta site AVID (Advanced Individual Determination); basically, every child on a path to college. 

Initially, two years before AVID, their mom kept talking about transferring first our son, then both of them when our daughter started kindergarten and our son was in 2nd. By then, she had moved four times, into two different school districts, a pattern of instability. I stayed in my home. 

The kids have developed relationships in our community, as have I, as have their mother. I haven't heard talk of transfer on over a year. She also exposed herself as "one of those parents" several times, like the time she demanded then S7 be transferred out of a 1st and 2nd grade combo class even after the principal indicated that he was chosen due to his intelligence.

2nd grade, they get tested. He tests around the 90th percentile at our school.  It's higher given our Hood (demographic), but above the 80th percentile for the silicon valley,  so he's ok. 

There are a lot of factors to consider in the education of our children. Test scores for schools are a 30K ft rubric. There are so many others to consider. My ex initially didn't like that the kids were in the after school program, yet it's free, and saves us thousands in childcare. Last week,  the after school program manager told me that she could choose and 4th or 5th grader to represent the school in a Tech Challenge. She chose our 4th grader. She sees how sharp he is, even after school.  I told his mom, and that bolsters her ego. Yet it further reinforces that the kids are in the right place for now.

I certainly expect more issues, driven by mom's axiety and BPD like traits in the future, but for now we're ok.  It took my validation skills to deflect her previous anxieties. I validated her concerns, yet drew boundaries... kind of a Jedi mind trick thing. 

[GaGrl]

Is the choice between public and private schools, with tuition costs involved?

[kells76]

Hi A4K;

Could you remind me if you and your ex have joint custody?

And if this is for one kiddo, or more than one (i.e. school selection will come up for a younger sibling)?

Cheers;

kells76