Trauma processing Part 2

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Mod Note:  Part 1 is located here:  https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=341827.0;all

What is very troublesome, frustrating and enraging is dealings with financial aspect of being in these relationships. Things weren’t grate in terms of his financial responsiveness. I only get provided with necessities and after long time of pleading with him. It’s not done in a form of systematic pattern, meaning in the 1st of the month I get the “x” amount for paying the bills. What’s really concerning is that a very small amount gets advanced to a joint account, not even substantial to cover the cost of mortgage. I also have kids expenses, food, joint credit cards, household bills, Insurance’s, cars, my school. I then I have to ask for and explain to the penny where the funds would go. It’s never done in a dignified manner. I need to beg and nag to get the joint bills paid. This time, he has completely withdrawn financial support. No money is coming in. I am using my last stash to pay for s12 therapy. After this I will start adding the debt to my credit card to pay for food and necessities for the children. It is going to be a very skinny holiday season. I’m contemplating on borrowing money from the credit card to buy them small presents. Kids can’t really grasp how we can live in a castle and drive luxurious cars, dad talks about being super rich but there aren’t any presents for the holidays. I’m feeling my anger build up. This is so unbelievably unfair. I’m not talking about lavish, expensive purchases. I’m talking about small tokens of appreciation and encouragement for the children to bring the spirit of giving and receiving.

[snowglobe]

Mod Note:  Part 1 is located here:  https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=341827.0;all

What is very troublesome, frustrating and enraging is dealings with financial aspect of being in these relationships. Things weren’t grate in terms of his financial responsiveness. I only get provided with necessities and after long time of pleading with him. It’s not done in a form of systematic pattern, meaning in the 1st of the month I get the “x” amount for paying the bills. What’s really concerning is that a very small amount gets advanced to a joint account, not even substantial to cover the cost of mortgage. I also have kids expenses, food, joint credit cards, household bills, Insurance’s, cars, my school. I then I have to ask for and explain to the penny where the funds would go. It’s never done in a dignified manner. I need to beg and nag to get the joint bills paid. This time, he has completely withdrawn financial support. No money is coming in. I am using my last stash to pay for s12 therapy. After this I will start adding the debt to my credit card to pay for food and necessities for the children. It is going to be a very skinny holiday season. I’m contemplating on borrowing money from the credit card to buy them small presents. Kids can’t really grasp how we can live in a castle and drive luxurious cars, dad talks about being super rich but there aren’t any presents for the holidays. I’m feeling my anger build up. This is so unbelievably unfair. I’m not talking about lavish, expensive purchases. I’m talking about small tokens of appreciation and encouragement for the children to bring the spirit of giving and receiving.

[Notwendy]

Snow globe - I would caution you- do not get further into debt to maintain an illusion for the holidays. Imho your kids don’t seem to need more material things. If you are in debt then they are old enough to understand that.

I also doubt your H is going to want to appear to be Scrooge or the Grinch. I bet he’s going to come up with some high end presents to continue to look good to them. This is how he tends to do this.

From you they can have the gift of love, truth, consistency . These are infinitely more valuable .

[snowglobe]

Snow globe - I would caution you- do not get further into debt to maintain an illusion for the holidays. Imho your kids don’t seem to need more material things. If you are in debt then they are old enough to understand that.

I also doubt your H is going to want to appear to be Scrooge or the Grinch. I bet he’s going to come up with some high end presents to continue to look good to them. This is how he tends to do this.

From you they can have the gift of love, truth, consistency . These are infinitely more valuable .

Wendy,
True to his npd side the presents only get bestowed when there are spectators to validate what an amazing father/husband he is. When it’s just us, he doesn’t buy presents, flowers, etc
Thank you for the encouragement, I will be careful about not going further in debt

[GaGrl]

Snow globe - I would caution you- do not get further into debt to maintain an illusion for the holidays. Imho your kids don’t seem to need more material things. If you are in debt then they are old enough to understand that.

I also doubt your H is going to want to appear to be Scrooge or the Grinch. I bet he’s going to come up with some high end presents to continue to look good to them. This is how he tends to do this.

From you they can have the gift of love, truth, consistency . These are infinitely more valuable .

I agree! If you get each of the children a small yet meaningful gift, let that he all from you. The children know what is going on -- how could they not? If they question the lack of gifts, it's OK to say, "Please understand I'm working within my household allowance" or "I'm working with the budget I have available to me right now." Sometimes the consequences of your H's behavior is simply that he looks like an a-- in front of his children.

If your H decides to splurge, that's his decision. Under the circumstances, you may not get a gift, and he won't get one of you work within your available funds. So what? It's not as if you need anything.

One thought on this financial manipulation...why not just stop begging and pleading? With the funds he makes available, take care of the absolutely necessary items first -- sufficient food, gas to get where you need, etc. Then list the outstanding family and household items that need to be paid -- mortgage, utilities, etc. -- band the list to the payment invoices/statements, and give them to him WITH NO COMMENT. Don't follow up...let him deal with the consequences of not paying the bills.

[babyducks]

I only get provided with necessities and after long time of pleading with him.

I then I have to ask for and explain to the penny where the funds would go. It’s never done in a dignified manner. I need to beg and nag to get the joint bills paid.

This time, he has completely withdrawn financial support. No money is coming in.

have you ever read the workshop here on domestic violence?     I encourage you to take a look:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=61403.0

from that workshop comes this definition of economic abuse:

FINANCIAL ABUSE
- taking victim's money
- withholding money
- not allowing victim money
- giving victim an allowance
- keeping family finances a secret
- spending money foolishly
- pressuring victim to take full responsibility for finances
-not paying fair share of bills
- not spending money of special occasions when able (birthdays etc)
spending on addictions, gambling, sexual services
- not letting victim have access to family income

begging and pleading,...nagging... dealing with finances in an undignified way, …. all abusive tactics.

 Abusive behavior is a choice. Perpetrators use it to control their victims. Domestic violence/abuse is about abusers/batterers using their control, not losing their control.  Their actions are very deliberate.   It's about power and control.

the same comments from  Sharie Stines, Psy,D. apply here too:

 Notice your side of participating in a destructive relationship:  taking responsibility for other people’s behaviors; acting out and allowing the other person to “push your buttons;” staying around for abuse by minimizing it; staying around for abuse by fighting back; blaming yourself for another person’s poor behaviors; walking on eggshells; putting your emotional energy in a situation that is unsolvable; appeasement; playing “detective;” yelling and screaming; begging; using substances to cope.

Begging is participating in the abuse,... it's playing the role he wants you to have, it's counter productive.
 
I would encourage you to stop begging and pleading.   

The children know what is going on -- how could they not?

GaGrl is correct, children can be self absorbed but they are not blind.    They might not have the words to articulate it but they know the household is dysfunctional.  and they probably have the sense of how you demean yourself to stay in the relationship.

they best 'gift' they could have this holiday season if for you to treat yourself (and consequently them) with respect by being honest and forthright with them.

[snowglobe]

Developments, need an advice asap
He just walked into the bedroom while I was reading, he stood beside my bed and said: “ your punishment has ended, I hope you learnt your lesson. You may now speak to me when you need, do you understand me?”
I was honestly unprepared, perplexed and found it comical, really. So I just looked up. He repeated “do you understand me?” I just nodded. Then he walked away.
The funny part, I enjoyed a week long vacation from his control. I also don’t understand what kind of lesson he is referring to. In short, I’m scratching my head and chuckling, he thinks he punished me

[Vincenta]

Hmm, dear snowglobe - you might have answered this yourself I your earlier post - you wrote something that he does not seem to have any plan, but he just wants to inflict his pain...?

Anyway - who knows what he actually thinks? Might be that he himself does not either, and/or it might change in the next half an hour or so again...

Much more important, -no, actually the only thing that matters here is what YOU think, and want to do next? 

[babyducks]

snowglobe

this is about growing and strengthening your separate identity and independence.

this is about taking proactive action to define what you want and how to go about getting it.

what do you want to do?

Not what do you want to get... that relies on someone else.

What Do You Want To Do?     What can you Do to take care of snowglobe and get her what she needs.

[snowglobe]

What I realized was that he was hired and I’m lonely without my helicopter caregiving. Instead of being able to enjoy himself he kind of wasted his week. For myself- although painful, this was a good lesson for deep would searching and reconnecting with the children. what gave him  away, was the deep and soft he he was announcing “the end of the punishment”, knowing him, it sounded like he rehearsed to say that to me. As the evening progressed I didn’t jump and run after him. I took a long bath and asked my kids to watch Christmas movies with me. When I came downstairs where he was at, I invited him to come with us. He declined. It’s always about him, the attention has to be focused on him alone. I just took the kids and we spent an amazing evening laughing and horsing around. He didn’t come upstairs.
What I learnt- kids are hard boundary for me, one I will go down protecting. I’m still meeting with a family psychologist to discount what happened. It’s absolutely necessary to teach d16 strategies and coping skills that don’t involve substances. I need to go on the record with the incident, so both kids can validate my story to the professional. Who knows if I would need this evidence. Although I would not push him with the silent treatment, I’m not jumping to “reconnect”. I’m not going to treat him like I did prior to the incident. He needs to start filling my needs before I can doing the  same for him. I see what he wants clear as day- for me to put him and his needs first. I had a week to draw out a very important lesson- my needs come first.

[snowglobe]

I’m overwhelmed beyond any human ability to cope. I came down this morning, after what last night looked like truce. As soon as I greeted ubpdh his next word were “ call our friends I’m not going anywhere” (after the holidays we were supposed to take a trip with friends to a vacation/recreation spot for new year celebration. I asked him why when these sudden changes came about. His reply was that my mother didn’t want to babysit the children and called him “rude and obnoxious” and that he didn’t wAnt to go anywhere with me to spend money. I asked him “ last night I thought things were fine”, to which he replied he only decided this morning. Which meant I missed the window of opportunity to suck up to him last night and now we are going for another round. He also said that he is also changing, and is self sufficient now and never wants me to cook for him. In our culture food and eating is a huge nurturing part, which is also indicating that he is rejecting me on that level. He pressed for me to agree not to cook for him, which I said :” I will cook for our family and would love for you to take part in the meal together, but I can’t force you.” He then proceeded to repeat that I was fine and changing and that he was the only person stuck in a comfortable zone which will change soon. That I am a grown up making grown up decisions and will now have to bear consequences of my gown up behaviour. When I told him that everyone in this house has a right to be free from physical threat, he agreed, and when I told him that he threatened me in front of d16 he said he didn’t remember, but if he did he apologized. He stuck to you are changing, now I’m gonna change too and you aren’t going to like it. I’m very scared, this threat is pregnant with all kinds of promises. He then proceeded to say that I act like an adult but I’m not really an adult since I’m financially dependent on Him (what?.) he didn’t want to continue with the conversation and left for work. My anxiety is probably 9, with heart is pounding in my ears. I regret keeping my dignity last night and not jumping to placate him after the door was open. Maybe all of this could have been avoided.

[snowglobe]

Is it too late to try and fix it now? He is guilt tripping me for being  fine and coming to placate him. I’m actually feeling like my chance to peaceful holidays just evaporating at a lighting speed.

[GaGrl]

Read through your entire postings on this thread and revisit the progress and learning you schieved. Don't let a small note exchange with him make you backslide.

You anticipated this.

[babyducks]

Think this through.

Stop and think.    Use your wise mind.    Use your rational thought.

Do you want to continue the way things are now?    To be threatened?   Treated badly?  Abused?

Or do you want to continue to improve yourself and your choices?

[snowglobe]

Think this through.

Stop and think.    Use your wise mind.    Use your rational thought.

Do you want to continue the way things are now?    To be threatened?   Treated badly?  Abused?

Or do you want to continue to improve yourself and your choices?

Ducks,
In the midst of the crisis my mind feels like a scrambled egg, I can’t think clearly.

[AskingWhy]

Ducks,
In the midst of the crisis my mind feels like a scrambled egg, I can’t think clearly.

Many of us here were thrown off balance when our partners dysregulate.  Try to use your knowledge of BPD and see the signs of dysregulation.  I know it's easy to feel off balance when a partner goes off the rails. I was name-called (everything in the book and the worst), given almost weekly divorce threats, holes punched in walls, furniture broken, slammed doors, etc.

I had very poor self esteem at that time and these dysregulations would devastate me to sobbing tears of upset.

I now see that these were the ravings of a sick mind, and I can now predict when they will happen and prepare and respond.  Be confident in yourself.  You do not deserve to be anyone's punching bag.

[GaGrl]

Let me propose another scenario.

You say your mind becomes scrambled eggs in the midst of a crisis.

What if it isn't really a crisis? He wants to cancel a holiday trip. So what?

He says you are not an adult because you are financially dependent on him. So what? You know the truth. (This is the same as his accusing you of being a purple unicorn -- you know you aren't a purple unicorn -- you are an adult.) Money does not equal maturity.

He says you are changing, so he will change. You don't know what that means, although you catastrophic and go to worst case scenario. So what? He's done this before. His response is an extinction burst based on your healthier behavior.

You are doing good work. When he goes off the rails in response to your boundaries and healthy behavior, you can take several deep breaths to bring down a blood pressure spike, then remove yourself from his verbal threats. Not letting him drag you back into catastrophic thinking, staying calm when he is verbally abusive, is probably the next focus area for you.

[babyducks]

snowglobe,

what's the crisis here?    why does this feel like a crisis to you?    no trip?   is that really a crisis?   he won't eat the food you cook?    threatening you will 'bear the consequences of your grown up behavior?'   he threatens you all the time to get what he wants.     now he's upping the ante...     because what you are doing, changing your behavior is having an impact and he wants things to go back to the way they were.

you said this yesterday

I was willing to put my values, morals aside, like an addict, to score another high (continue being with ubpdh).

I regret keeping my dignity last night and not jumping to placate him after the door was open. Maybe all of this could have been avoided.

which is the healthier snowglobe?    yesterday's or today's?

I want to ask you,... is it putting your values and morals aside, like an addict... or can it also be the repetition of previous trauma.

this is from: Inner Strengths: Contemporary Psychotherapy and Hypnosis for Ego-Strengthening by Claire Frederick and Shirley McNeal

Survivors of trauma, neglect or abuse often suffer from chronic depression or anxiety because of a lack of tools to restore a sense of well-being and balance. We tend to experience ourselves—consciously or unconsciously—in terms of how others view or treat us. 

This often becomes the script or blueprint that dictates and frames our choices, our responses, and our self-perception as valuable and powerful, or just the opposite. Subconscious narratives—stories that we tell ourselves—form the basis of how we see ourselves and present ourselves to the world.  I guess I’m always a screw-up. Most people are [prettier, smarter, richer, etc.] than me. I will never be admired.

Everything we do is colored by this ongoing narrative, whether we realize it or not. We sell ourselves short, don’t speak up, and accept abuse and disrespect. But that narrative is not about who we are, but rather about what we have been told we are. Knowing this, truly recognizing this and understanding this, is the first step toward rewriting the script of our lives.

we spoke a couple of months ago about your childhood trauma,... how are you doing in getting treatment for that?    we spoke about how your childhood trauma made you more hypersensitive to current events that mimicked your youthful trauma.    at some point you are going to have to step up and take responsibility for your own anxiety.   at some point,  if you want to make progress,   you will have to take ownership of your own mental and emotional health.   you can not live overwhelmed beyond any human ability to cope, with a mind like scrambled eggs.

[Notwendy]

Snowglobe, Ducks is right about your own trauma that this triggers. In the grands scheme of things, not having a vacation isn't a crisis. He won't eat your cooking? Fine- he's an adult, I don't think he will starve. He can manage getting food himself.

I think what is traumatic to you is the meaning behind this. Won't eat your cooking = he doesn't love you. No vacation= he doesn't love you. I also hope you see that even though he has money, he isn't acting like an adult.

But you are the one who is attaching this meaning to these actions. They aren't necessarily connected. When you can disconnect them, they may be easier to deal with.

Nobody is going to be in dire straits if they don't get a trip.

Your H won't starve unless he chooses to, and you can't force feed them. He knows where the supermarket and restaurants are and is capable of feeding himself.

If trips and eating your food mean "love" then it's time to examine that "love". Your H uses material things to buy attention and loyalty from all of you, and for the most part, you have fallen into this. There is value to money and the material to a point. We all need food, shelter, clothing. I promise you there is some loving husband buying his family presents at Wal Mart today, and they will be thrilled with it. My BPD mother has a closet full of designer clothing and accessories and she still is unhappy and doesn't feel loved. That is her own unhappiness and we can't change that for her, no matter.


High end things are nice to have, if one can afford it and you know that your H doesn't manage money well. They are lovely gifts when given in love from someone who can afford them. But you know this isn't the situation when you get something expensive from your H. It may feel like it to you in the moment, but it isn't long lasting. His " we are OK" can change in an instant.

Gifts from your H can have strings attached. But you are the one who can let go of the attachment and any momentary illusion. You are going to be OK without the trip.

[snowglobe]

I’m going to try and describe what happened last night, I need help making sense if it, because currently I can’t. For the first time in my life my blood pressure reached unbelievable highs. I called the doctor, but because of the holidays no one can take me in. I feel loud pounding in my ears. I try to calm myself down through meditation and relaxation, but the effect is very short lived. Last night I got home and the conversation continued. It went for many hours. The repeated theme were “you won, I lost, I’m not normal, I’m sick but I don’t care, I just want to be happy, so I am detaching myself from you, I don’t care where you go or what you do, you are changing and so will I. I know I’m not normal but I will not go into treatment because I like myself the way I am. You can’t teach the old dog new tricks”. When it came to money, he told me that we need to live on a line of credit we have under joint name and sell in May, since he won’t be selling his assets at a loss”. He went on to say that he doesn’t care about me, our marriage and that he is fine cohabiting until I finish the degree. He doesn’t want me to go communicate with him about my life, he doesn’t want to know where I go and what I do. Moreover, he was talking about my psychology tools I have and about having support (my friend visited, another one was on the phone with me around the clock) he was saying “use it and be happy, maybe we if you will be less miserable b$&ch you will see what you have”. When pressed on the matters of threats :” you got me on this one, go show a lawyer” and “I’m not going to change, what are you going to do about it?”.
The conversation went nowhere, other then him informing me that marriage was done from his side. He doesn’t love me, he isn’t sorry for me, he doesn’t feel empathy towards me, he doesn’t owe me anything, he isn’t attracted to me”. From stress and high blood pressure I don’t remember drifting off in the couch fully clothed. I woke up to him taking my phone from beside me and going through it. I asked him what he was doing, he replied rudely “je-Ing off”. I sat beside him because I wanted to see what he was looking at. He browsed web sites. I felt like I walked in him trying to see what was in my head (perhaps read my text exchange with other people). I asked for the phone back, he gave it and stormed out.
I don’t understand how after doing what he did, he turned it all around and blamed me. 

[Notwendy]

Snowglobe, we have a saying in our 12 step codependency group when someone relates the kind of emotional pain in their relationship. It may sound cold and cruel, but we ask. "have you had enough of this emotional pain yet"?

This is because often someone will not take steps to change themselves unless they have had enough.

Your H has done this before.  He clearly isn't wanting to make changes himself.

When you have had enough of the emotional distress, you will know it. Other things won't matter. Not the big house or the trip, or the presents. When you have had enough, you will call a lawyer and begin to take steps to secure a safe and peaceful place for yourself, even a simple smaller place will appeal to you more than what you have now. But only you can decide what "enough" is for you.

[GaGrl]

When you have had enough of the emotional distress, you will know it. Other things won't matter. Not the big house or the trip, or the presents. When you have had enough, you will call a lawyer and begin to take steps to secure a safe and peaceful place for yourself, even a simple smaller place will appeal to you more than what you have now. But only you can decide what "enough" is for you.

Another way I have heard this expressed is...

"Change happens when the pain of staying the same is greater than the pain of changing."

[formflier]

you got me on this one, go show a lawyer” and “I’m not going to change, what are you going to do about it?”.
 

Please believe him.  Please believe that this applies to all areas and all things her has ever done to you.  He is reserving the "right" to do it again, whenever it suits his needs.

Best,

FF