Boyfriend's ex suddenly doesn't want me around the kids Part 2

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Mod Note:  Part 1 of this thread is here: 
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=341740.0;all

How do you both usually handle it when she starts send nasty messages or being verbally abusive in front of the kids?

Has he thought about what he'd do if she does withhold SD?

I have her blocked on every platform possible for messaging but she creates new accounts to message me from. When she starts messaging me I just block whatever new account she's messaging me from. Neither of us answer her when she starts sending those messages. He will sometimes (if he has the kids) block her cell number for the night/day when she won't stop messaging.

When the kids are present he does his best to calm her down or he'll remove himself and them from the situation.

He has a plan with the lawyer that if she withholds SD he is to contact them and they'll send out a warning letter that she needs to comply with custody and go from there. Currently they just have a signed separation agreement- so it hasn't been to court or in front of a judge. We both believe that she doesn't think he actually has parental rights to SD which is why that is her new threat- to take her away.
 

[cpmc]

Mod Note:  Part 1 of this thread is here: 
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=341740.0;all

How do you both usually handle it when she starts send nasty messages or being verbally abusive in front of the kids?

Has he thought about what he'd do if she does withhold SD?

I have her blocked on every platform possible for messaging but she creates new accounts to message me from. When she starts messaging me I just block whatever new account she's messaging me from. Neither of us answer her when she starts sending those messages. He will sometimes (if he has the kids) block her cell number for the night/day when she won't stop messaging.

When the kids are present he does his best to calm her down or he'll remove himself and them from the situation.

He has a plan with the lawyer that if she withholds SD he is to contact them and they'll send out a warning letter that she needs to comply with custody and go from there. Currently they just have a signed separation agreement- so it hasn't been to court or in front of a judge. We both believe that she doesn't think he actually has parental rights to SD which is why that is her new threat- to take her away.
 

[worriedStepmom]

It sounds like you have a plan for combating the fallout.   You're doing a lot better than we were!  (This summer we finally threw in the towel and blocked uBPDmom from every means of contacting us.  H set up an account on the free app TalkingParents, and she has to go through that to get in touch with him.  We also had issues with ex showing up uninvited at our house demanding to talk to/yell at H or SD. I got fed up and banned her from our property permanently.  She called the cops a few times over that.  It's a lot calmer now that we only have to deal with the drama when we choose to open the app.)

Has the signed agreement been filed with the court system?  If not, are there plans to file it soon before she tries to revoke it?

[cpmc]

Has the signed agreement been filed with the court system?  If not, are there plans to file it soon before she tries to revoke it?

Sounds like you guys have figured out a great way to try and manage communication- that's good! Ugh we had to deal with that showing up out of the blue thing too. She actually walked right into his place one night when we were cooking dinner with the kids. Went and sat down on the couch like it was nothing. When I asked her what she was doing (after almost 10 minutes of her sitting there and bf quietly freaking out but not saying a word) she blew up and said she'd had a bad day and needed to see her kids and it was either "this or I go home and ruin his life" at which point he calmed her down and told her she could stay for dinner! That was our first big conversation about the importance of boundaries all around. He made it clear she couldn't show up at this place again.

The agreement hasn't been filed with the Court- he is planning on getting a Court Order done up instead as the agreement is vague in spots.

[ForeverDad]

Regarding the future about conflict, I've repeated this truism:  If it has been threatened, or even just contemplated, then it WILL happen, given enough time.

[livednlearned]

I've honestly been of the opinion lately to "let her blow up" because if she does she's supposed to check herself into the hospital...and then maybe she can get the help she clearly needs.

You have good instincts, cpmc.

If she blows up and professionals can observe it, she'll get the care she needs more quickly. Which is better for her kids.

he needs to do everything he can to keep her calm for the sake of the kids.

We just teach them to tolerate bad behavior. It's better for kids to see someone experience natural consequences. Or learn how to take good care of themselves when someone is yelling.

You're a good influence on your bf 

[cpmc]

Regarding the future about conflict, I've repeated this truism:  If it has been threatened, or even just contemplated, then it WILL happen, given enough time.

That's kind of what I figured too...he thinks he can avoid it forever if he just "reasons" with her.

[cpmc]

You have good instincts, cpmc.

If she blows up and professionals can observe it, she'll get the care she needs more quickly. Which is better for her kids.

We just teach them to tolerate bad behavior. It's better for kids to see someone experience natural consequences. Or learn how to take good care of themselves when someone is yelling.

You're a good influence on your bf 

Thank you, I appreciate that...trying ha I also feel it teaches them not to stand up for themselves. He is getting better, but in the past has let her walk all over him and I don't think that sets a good example at all, even if it keeps her momentarily "calm".

As an update, bf spoke with her and negotiated that I can see the kids whenever he has them...but temporarily I am not to stay the night. Bf and I had our biggest fight ever over this as he couldn't see why it's "such a big deal" and I was refusing to agree. I finally conceded that I would not spend the night for a month...but I'm not happy about it  He thinks it's a "win" on his part that he got her from not wanting them around me at all to just not spending the nights. I don't agree. And he thinks he's avoided having to get the lawyer involved or all of her threats...I disagree with this too! I think it's just prolonging the inevitable.

[GaGrl]

You are absolutely correcy. It is prolonging the inevitable.

You have good instincts. We're here to support you -- this is going to take some time to work through.

[worriedStepmom]

Where I live, a judge will automatically include a  "morality code" clause if either parent asks for it.  There's no fighting against it.  The clause prevents unmarried romantic partners from spending the night if the kids are there. 

So while I understand why you are upset - that he's changing your status quo to appease his ex - I also understand why he thinks this is a reasonable compromise.

[Grady]

I'm sorry.  I can see where that is incredibly frustrating on your part.  And rightly so.  But, give him kudos for the steps he did take.  What seems like a tiny step for us is a huge step for them.  What I have learned is H is never going to get it and move at the pace I want him to or would.  But, then again, I wasn't subjected to the BPD and in a relationship with her being manipulated and controlled and abused for all those years.  My T constantly reminds me of the steps H has taken to move forward.  A lot of them I can't see because they are small and seem insignificant but are really significant for H. 

And I still can't get over her just showing up and plopping down on the couch and staying for dinner.  I would have gone ballistic.  You are doing great.  Hang in there.  You guys will get there if you continue to act united and your BF continues to grow and get stronger.

[cpmc]

You are absolutely correcy. It is prolonging the inevitable.

You have good instincts. We're here to support you -- this is going to take some time to work through.

Thank you GaGrl 

[cpmc]

I'm sorry.  I can see where that is incredibly frustrating on your part.  And rightly so.  But, give him kudos for the steps he did take.  What seems like a tiny step for us is a huge step for them.  What I have learned is H is never going to get it and move at the pace I want him to or would.  But, then again, I wasn't subjected to the BPD and in a relationship with her being manipulated and controlled and abused for all those years.  My T constantly reminds me of the steps H has taken to move forward.  A lot of them I can't see because they are small and seem insignificant but are really significant for H. 

And I still can't get over her just showing up and plopping down on the couch and staying for dinner.  I would have gone ballistic.  You are doing great.  Hang in there.  You guys will get there if you continue to act united and your BF continues to grow and get stronger.

That's very true, thank you

Ha I still can't get over it either to be honest. It was brutal.

[cpmc]

Where I live, a judge will automatically include a  "morality code" clause if either parent asks for it.  There's no fighting against it.  The clause prevents unmarried romantic partners from spending the night if the kids are there. 

So while I understand why you are upset - that he's changing your status quo to appease his ex - I also understand why he thinks this is a reasonable compromise.

That's not automatic here and it's definitely not in their signed agreement but I see what you're saying. I guess I have trouble with it because it just shouldn't be an argument in the first place. I know it's not his fault that it is, it's just incredibly frustrating.