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Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits. Practicing lawyer, Senior Family Mediator, and former Licensed Clinical Social Worker with twelve years’ experience and an expert on navigating the Family Court process.
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Author Topic: Help in preparing  (Read 429 times)
Ray2017
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« on: December 23, 2019, 12:14:23 PM »

I would like a pep talk if anyone is around.  Pretty bad dysregulation/rage over the weekend, which is becoming the norm (I have anxiety dreams Friday night/Saturday morning like clockwork- my subconscious knows the pattern  Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)).  My H and his clearly drunk sister were having a fight via text.  My H at one point threatened suicide, and had his two belts linked together ready to hang himself.  He easily let me take and keep the belts.  I remained calm throughout; I did not JADE, I acknowledged his feelings.  On Sunday morning I was friendly, but I focused on myself and the kids.  All credit to my H - he got himself out of his funk for the most part, and I made sure I mentally noted that my "helping" was clearly not necessary.  However - he was applying for a promotion at his work, and he just texted that his co-worker got it.  For the past promotional exams he's taken and not gotten, the dysregulation and rage has lasted for weeks.  With this exam, he truly was one of the top candidates, so the disappointment is both valid and likely to be even more painful for him.  I know I have insight and tools now that I didn't before, but I am really nervous, especially with his backslide in the last few weeks and with the kids being home for a couple weeks with school break.  I'm still reading Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist and that's helpful, but any reminders of disaster control, because I'd be naive to think it's not needed, would be helpful (his texts have already started). In the meantime, I'll be over here taking deep breaths.
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Ozzie101
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« Reply #1 on: December 23, 2019, 12:23:01 PM »

Hi Ray!

I know the feeling you're talking about. Many times, when I've known there's some sort of news that hits one of H's triggers, I've felt that anxiety and hopelessness -- fearing/knowing what's to come.

How do you plan to handle things when you get home? Have you thought through what you'll say?

The suicidal threats are typical for your H, aren't they? Refresh my memory. Has he ever made a serious, determined attempt?
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Ray2017
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« Reply #2 on: December 23, 2019, 12:37:14 PM »

Hi Ozzie - I know you know. Smiling (click to insert in post)  My H throws around threats of suicide, and at times even homicidal ideation.  The SI, however, is pretty much a weekly occurrence; I've become pretty immune to those threats.  Mostly he just talks about it, but he's "tried" to hang himself before (again, I took the rope away quite easily).  He talked about trying to drown himself years back, but that was when he was away, and I heard about it after.  I'm more worried about the HI because he often targets his co-workers/boss with his verbal threats and they're going to be prime targets with this situation.  I've gotten good advice before on how to handle that, but I have (thankfully?) not built up calluses to those threats and they scare me to no end.  My top worry is how much the kids observe.  I shuffle them out of the room when he's raging, but they know enough what's going on.

As for my plan when I get home: be friendly (and try not to tremble like a leaf), listen and validate where I can.  Limit the time on his venting sessions so I can give the kids the time and attention they need (and myself a break).  Use my breathing exercises when I feel triggered as there's no way he'll stay "on topic" once the ranting starts.  Rinse and repeat.  It's more of how long I anticipate the duration of this cycle.  A day or two I am able to stay pretty strong; it's when it drags into many days or weeks that I start to crumble.
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Ozzie101
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« Reply #3 on: December 23, 2019, 12:56:29 PM »

That sounds like a good plan. Validate the valid. Be empathetic. But, yeah, don't allow yourself to become an earpiece for endless ranting.

My H has a tendency to threaten things. Usually it's about cutting people off or lashing out. At first, I panicked. Now, I just listen and calmly nod because he's shown me he won't actually do it. Now, he's never threatened homicide and there's only been one suicidal threat (opened a couple of bottles of pills and looked at me and said he was going to kill himself -- with the look and tone of a child threatening to hold his breath until he got his way -- I could tell he wasn't serious and was just testing, so I just stared back at him blankly until he blinked and gave up).

What sort of advice have you gotten before that's worked for you?

As you know, there's not much you can do, really. You can't fix the work situation for him. It's something he'll have to work through himself. If you can set a tone of strength and compassion, but also set firm boundaries on what you will and won't tolerate, it should be easier for you to manage.

Are you making plans for some self-care, just in case?
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AskingWhy
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« Reply #4 on: December 23, 2019, 01:51:47 PM »

Ray, when you see the mechanisms of BPD at work, you can be better prepared to deal with them.

I am glad you are not JADEing.  This only enables the pwBPD to continue in their maladaptive behaviours.

For my uBPD H, who has many NPD features, I often get divorce threats when he dysregulates.  He threatens to leave and move close to one of his adult Ds and their families.

You can to validate the good but not tolerate the abusive threats, which are a part of manipulation.  With SI, however, you need to be cautious and not hesitate to call 911 if you suspect one is imminent.  (One of my SDs made a suicide attempt when she was in the military for only a short time, most likely from an affair with one of her instructors, and was quickly discharged.  The military does not need a liability like that when all troops are expected to do their jobs.)

Good for you in handling the dysregulation well.  Knowledge is power.  When a partner dysregulates, it's easy to feel lost.   Virtual hug (click to insert in post) Virtual hug (click to insert in post)

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Ray2017
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« Reply #5 on: December 23, 2019, 02:04:36 PM »

Helpful advice is what you just gave me - reminding me there's nothing I can do to change anything.  I have a safety plan in place, thanks to the advice on these boards.  The longer the dysregulation/rage lasts, the most scrambled my brain feels, so I appreciate having this thread (and others) to refer back to.

Self care is... not my strong suit (unless taking care of others is a form of self-care?  Joking, a little anyway).  I have a big fat book to read after the kids go to bed, so long as he doesn't follow me (which happens; perhaps I can feign stomach discomfort and hide in the bathroom?).  He has his shifts (24 hours) where I get a respite and get to be just me and not constantly try to think of validating statements.  I do listen to the Calm app when I have 10 minutes without interruption, which is somewhat rare.  

Thanks, AskingWhy.  There's a lot of narcissism in my husband's ranting and I really dislike it.  Had he refused to let me take the belts I sure would have called 911, even if it was his co-workers that would be the ones showing up. 
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Ozzie101
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« Reply #6 on: December 23, 2019, 02:19:15 PM »

Late last month, we had a string of four days in a row of minor dysregulations and later-than-usual nights. Nothing major, in comparison to how it used to be, but those days in a row wore me out. By the fourth day, my usual skills went out the window. Not proud of it, but when you're worn down, it can definitely happen. I plan to work harder on being on guard in the future.

Let us know how things go tonight! And if you see a way you can get away (even just to the bathroom for a bit), I hope you can take it to reenergize yourself.

You can do this. You've got the tools.

 Virtual hug (click to insert in post)
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Ray2017
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« Reply #7 on: December 24, 2019, 10:54:10 AM »

Just to update, last night was ok. My H was sort of giving me the silent treatment of sorts. I attempted a couple times to make light conversation; he made it clear he wasn’t interested, so I dropped it and went about my evening with the kids. Made sure they knew it was ok to laugh and be themselves. My H seemed to thaw a bit. This morning he has ramped it up a bit (he drove down to his HQ to “quit” but the bosses apparently weren’t there apparently). I did let him know, in a calm yet assertive way, that though I would happily support him should he want a career change, or more schooling to do something entirely different and take the burden of family finances/insurance if necessary , BUT I would only do this  if he had actual plans of what to do next (he earns significantly more than me, plus our health insurance is through his job). It did ramp up his dysregulation, so I’m not sure if that was a good idea, but I thought he should know there would be consequences to his self-made decisions that affect the entire family. I’ve remained friendly, but am also spending a lot of time with the kids. He’s free to join us, but he knows I’m not ok with him ranting about everyone and everything in front of them. Still taking lots of deep breaths.
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Ozzie101
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« Reply #8 on: December 24, 2019, 11:02:11 AM »

It sounds like you're handling it well, Ray, regardless of how un-fun and stressful it can be.

Letting him know the consequences was probably a good thing. Delivered with kindness, empathy and DEARMAN or SET would probably be the most productive and the least likely to cause more drama. If you didn't the first time, you might think about it should it come up again.

Good for you doing things with the kids and keeping the door open. He can join in he chooses.

Just keep keeping on. Focus on yourself and your kids. Virtual hug (click to insert in post)
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Ray2017
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« Reply #9 on: December 25, 2019, 06:54:54 AM »

I definitely use SET, though to be honest, it still doesn’t work because he won’t like the Truth portion if it’s not how he feels. I still use it when necessary.

I’m sure no one is around today, so I’m using this more as a journal entry. The rage started yesterday with veiled references to HI. It got a little better, then because I “undermined” him in front of the kids (our son started to hop out of the car at a store; my H told him to stay in the car, I just said I didn’t mind if he came with me), so he drove home very aggressively and gave me the silent treatment after (and didn’t tell me WHY he was mad until later). He apparently had a bad dream and tried to wake me up (I’m a light sleeper and I did not feel him touch me or call my name), so he was really mad at me this morning. I did start to JADE (being accused of things, especially that I’m innocent of or meant kindly, is probably my biggest trigger), but I did stop. He’s at work now, so I know what I need to do is to recognize it for what it is (quite a bit of push/pull and baiting), and focus on my kids and me for the day.

I’ve been trying to visualize what leaving would look like. I don’t feel brave enough, but I am fairly sure it’s what I want to do. He’s not going to change, I accept that. I don’t picture that even with the most successful work on myself I’m going to want to come home, with quite a bit of frequency, someone who is a miserable bump on a log that blames everyone for his troubles, yet refuses to look at himself. I understand that he has every right to feel this way and his feelings are his own. But I don’t want to have to see that all the time, and I think it sets a terrible example for the kids. I have a lot of worries about doing this, though (including HI potentially directed at me for the perceived abandonment), so I’m trying to think about this slowly.
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I Am Redeemed
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« Reply #10 on: December 25, 2019, 08:21:38 AM »

Hi, Ray, Merry Christmas!

I'm here today, and I hear you. I'm sorry for what you are going through. I understand that it can feel exhausting to have to go through this and navigate the ups and downs and worries about how your kids are being affected.

I'm sorry, I don't recall if you have a T that you can see. It may help to get some extra support from a counselor as you think through what it would look like to stay, and what it would look like to leave, and the healthiest ways you could do either as you consider the options.

It may also help to contact a dv service to get information on leaving someone who exhibits HI, just so you can be prepared in thinking about that option. They can help you with a safety plan, and so can we. Having a safety plan does not mean you are choosing to leave, but it's good to have in the event that you do make that choice.

Glad you are getting a little break today while he is working. I hope you have a lovely holiday with your kids.
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Ray2017
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« Reply #11 on: December 26, 2019, 06:25:35 AM »

Thanks, I Am Redeemed. The kids and I did have a nice day. It’s so much more relaxed when it’s just us.

I do have a T and a safety plan. My T and I agreed that we were going to try and work on my anxiety and building me up before I had to make the big decision stay vs go. She did say at our last visit that I’m making progress. It’s just such a stark difference when he’s home compared to when we’re all together. But I do worry about the kids being alone with him. He’s great with them when he’s feeling good. But when he’s not... Thus my struggling with the decision.
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Ozzie101
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« Reply #12 on: December 26, 2019, 08:57:26 AM »

I'm glad you had a nice day with your kids!

And I'm glad your T feels you're making progress. Waiting to make the decision until you're stronger and more secure is a good plan. Huge decisions like this are ones best made with very careful thought, planning and deliberation.

How often are your kids alone with him? If that really concerns you, are there alternatives you could consider until you make your decision to stay or go?
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Ray2017
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« Reply #13 on: December 27, 2019, 08:42:03 AM »

Things were totally back to normal yesterday.  I wish it just didn't take me so long to recover! 

Ozzie - I work three days a week, so he's has them for that time.  Our oldest is in school for much of it, and our youngest goes to preschool for 2 1/2 hours a day, 4 days a week, so there's a break for all of them.  The youngest starts kindergarten in September '20.  I've brought up putting the youngest in full time preschool/day care and it has started huge arguments.  My H doesn't want me working more to pay for daycare/preschool, and thinks that family (specifically mine) should pick up the slack with caring for the kids.  He hasn't used that argument since my dad was diagnosed with cancer, thankfully.  I don't want to quit my job (and have my H make up my income doing a ton of overtime) because I want to make sure I have secure employment - I've worked for my bosses for 18 years and they're wonderful bosses.  I am thinking of putting our youngest in summer camp for a couple days a week for the summer; he bears the brunt of the bad moods.  Four year olds aren't famous for their validation and staying out of trouble. :/
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Ozzie101
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« Reply #14 on: December 27, 2019, 08:47:26 AM »

That is tricky. I wanted to see if there were any alternatives to protect the kids from him when you're not around. That's not an area where I have any experience (no kids of my own -- just SS9 and there are no issues there) but I'm sure there are others here that have been in your shoes. Hopefully one of them can pitch in.
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Ray2017
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« Reply #15 on: December 27, 2019, 11:35:13 AM »

Any suggestions are totally appreciated.  I've tried to wrap my head around things and haven't come up with any solutions that seem workable.  In the event I decide to leave, there isn't really anything so over the top that I could get sole custody or supervised visitation for him (nor would I want that, necessarily - the kids adore him - when he's not raging, of course).  He's going to be a part of their lives, as he should, but I just wish I could limit contact on those bad days.  If only he could give me a calendar of when he'd be dysregulating.  Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)
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