How do I recover as a new mom with a new heartbreak?

[NxtPhse]

I have every desire to do right by my child. My parents divorced at an early age and I’m learning that because of their split I likely have some codependency issues that surfaced during my relationship with my BPD ex. I didn’t quite know what I was getting into when we first started dating, I thought I was rescuing him from a relationship he was stuck in but too nice to really find his way out of. I was going to be his motivation but now I know I was just the next person that would be painted Black. Our relationship fizzled out the same way his last one did, with someone there to save him from his miserable relationship with me. It hurts to think that I am now this person that he needs “rescuing from”. He entered into this new relationship sometime while I was pregnant with our now 7 month old baby  but of course he couldn’t admit this. I had to find out several months later. He’s essentially an absentee father and I want nothing more than for his new gf to leave him alone so that he can focus on himself. He’s undiagnosed but I don’t even want to suggest to him, anymore, or the courts (when I finally apply for full custody) that he needs therapy. It hurts me to consider him getting well with someone else when to me and so many of his loved ones I  was supposed to be that person that “changed him”. How do I do what’s right by my baby so that he can have the best dad he can while coping with my feelings without suppressing them. His new relationship is with a girl who has been recycled a few times before I ever came into the picture. But he’s never referred to her as his girl friend until now, In the past he described her as a fling that was madly in love with him, she did all of the one sided sexual favors, she made all of the purchases and he never paid for anything, and to top it all off he described her as highly unintelligent. Is it likely that it’ll last this time with her? Will this be my child’s step mom? I just want him to change so that we can be a family and he is repulsed by me and my “craziness”. As toxic as this feeling is if he’s not going to be apart of our family and at the very least a good coparents then I wish he’d just completely remove himself from our lives. I can’t believe I fell this hard, this fast, with such an unkind and unloving person.

[worriedStepmom]

I'm so sorry.  It's hard dealing with a breakup, especially when you have a baby.  You aren't alone, and you'll get a lot of support here.

Do you have a custody schedule for your baby?  Or is your ex pretty much an absentee dad and/or just showing up when he feels like it?

It's really important that you take care of your own physical and mental health.   What are you doing for self-care?  Are you seeing a therapist to help you through some of this?

[NxtPhse]

Yes. It’s so tough but I’m so thankful to have found this site! I keep toggling with the the idea of filing the paperwork because right now I allow him to come and see the baby when he wants which averages out to about once a month but I’m afraid of him getting 50/50 or unsupervised visitation because his rage puts him into horrible predicaments. He’s gotten so upset he’s totaled his car! And my baby is the happiest little boy I’m so afraid of his unhappiness rubbing off on him.

I have a lot of friends and even his family is very supportive but they don’t understand how careful I must be because of how he may retaliate. His mom is very sweet but is also his biggest enabler. I did just schedule a consultation with a therapist which I think will help a ton! I’m just trying to focus on accomplishing those goals that I put on hold to focus on building a life with him.

[Turkish]

Quote from my therapist: "divorce is adversarial by nature and definition." Even those lowest conflict.

I wasn't married, but negotiated custody with my kids' mom.  We didn't have to go to court, but still filed upon my insistance. No way was I going to co-parent a then 1 and 4 year old without legal protection for all of us. And that's how I spun it,  protection for all of us. 

Your ex seems to be "phoning it in" so to speak as a dad. Document everything. Back date a journal if necessary.  Keep all receipts about doctor's appointments, and correlate with your journal. 

Lastly, it's not your burden to "make" him an involved parent.  Yes, you want the best for your baby, but being separated, he's responsible for his behaviours. Courts tend to default to joint custody these days, but if you establish a pattern of you being the primary parent, then there's an advantage to you and your baby.  You've expressed concerns over his behavior (cheating aside), trust your gut.  Protect your baby.  It doesn't mean depriving a child of a father, but is about boundaries.

[ForeverDad]

By starting a log or journal now of his parenting patterns, such as how often (or seldom) his visits are, that can reduce the risk of him later seeking more than that in legal proceedings.  While many courts do default "non-primary parents" to alternate weekends and limited time in between, it is better to have details listing the historical patterns.  When courts hear claims of "he always..." or "she always..." it seems to categorize it as too vague, unsubstantiated hearsay.  Having documents that demonstrate historical details really does help.

[Newyoungfather]

Hello NxtPhse,
I feel your pain.  I "saved" my ex from her family and past bf only to be discarded shortly after my sons birth.  I was deal with the child alienation and everything along with it right now. I learned to let go of the "fixing" as borderlines don't think rationally, if they did they would have gotten help on their own.  It is tough being a single parent of a new born, I was there and struggled at first but I will tell you it will get better with time.  You will have a strong bond with your child and no one will ever take that away.

[MeandThee29]

Quote from my therapist: "divorce is adversarial by nature and definition." Even those lowest conflict.

Your ex seems to be "phoning it in" so to speak as a dad. Document everything. Back date a journal if necessary.  Keep all receipts about doctor's appointments, and correlate with your journal. 

Lastly, it's not your burden to "make" him an involved parent.  Yes, you want the best for your baby, but being separated, he's responsible for his behaviours. Courts tend to default to joint custody these days, but if you establish a pattern of you being the primary parent, then there's an advantage to you and your baby.  You've expressed concerns over his behavior (cheating aside), trust your gut.  Protect your baby.  It doesn't mean depriving a child of a father, but is about boundaries.

Love that quote from the therapist. I had a really time grasping that at first. It's a contested legal and financial transaction, so it's going to be rough. My one regret is that I waited too long to have everything go through my attorney and have him handle the negotiations. It's painful as h*ll, but you need things recorded and settled.

If he's not going to be involved, that's just how it is. Many of us fall into what is called "parallel" parenting where we focus on our own parenting of the kids and let things fall as they may with the other partner. Collaborative parenting may not be possible.

[kells76]

Hi NxtPhse,

Really glad you found the site - it's exactly the right place for you and your situation.

Good to hear you're meeting up with a therapist. A good T was absolutely critical to me and my husband surviving years of massive stress from his ex. Coparenting (or any type of parental engagement) can keep people interacting way longer than if kids weren't involved, so if your kid's dad does decide to be involved, your T can help you learn to manage your feelings and responses to and about that.

Did you have the first meeting? If so, how did it go?

I hope you had a peaceful Christmas... Let us know how things are for you, whenever you feel up for it.

kells76