Christmas is Over Thankfully

[Iyamdun]

Hello, I am a newbie here with a son who has BPD.  I hate Christmas now.  He just is so hard to get along with every year.  This one was particularly awful for us.  He is 27 and is really struggling. I cannot do anything right and have failed him.  I am truly at my wit's end and am now taking anti depressants.  He will be taking program.s at the local hospital and I am hoping that he will eventually be on a disability.  I worry about his future and if he will survive.  He does too.  I hope that I can hear from others.  I feel.lost and alone.  Thanks.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Momnotmom]

Welcome. I am new here, too, and you are definitely not alone. I have gotten so that I dread holidays and birthdays ... We have had very few without drama, explosions, or even police visits. In the last 18 years all of my own depressive episodes have been triggered by issues with my children. It is so important to be able to recognize we can't help anyone unless we are in a decent place and take care of ourselves. And my husband regularly reminds me we can't help anyone who doesn't want to be helped. There is a lot of talk of boundary setting, and that is something I am getting better at but still need lots of work. So far this seems to be a great place for support and sharing.

[Trusting-waiting]

My sentiments exactly!  My dd said she would suspend her suicidal thinking or talking, at least for Christmas. Now it’s the day after and she’s back at the hopeless helpless indulgence. I call it indulgence because it feels so selfish and imposing. I’m normally. Compassionate patient and loving. But just a bit ago wasn’t I wasn’t any of that. It has been 5 months since her baby was born. She’s still languishing in regret that she had a baby with the person she did. She hasn’t been strong enough to back up her words with action. Namely to have no to minimal contact with him. She feels so trapped. The real trap is her mindset. She says she can’t make it to New Years. Meanwhile this beautiful baby brings delight to everyone else. DD is too myopic to enjoy. I just feel so angry. And sad.

[BoyMom]

I'm fairly new here myself and completely relate to you. My 26 year old son is in town for the holidays (he lives a few states away & we've made things worse by supporting him in order to make things better for ourselves, you know out of the house, out of our hair, no more eggshells). I made it plain to him before he came that we wouldn't tolerate any blowups. He made it 3 days before the big one - over a friendly game of basketball in the back yard with is brothers and nephew - but there had been a couple "almosts". I tried positive reinforcement, "I noticed you were able to reign it in and change your mindset so I'm proud of you." The day after Christmas my husband and I kicked him out of the house and he's been staying at a friend's. Today he's texted me once, a joke. I guess it was a way to feel the temperature & see if I'd laugh at the joke and tell him to come home. I haven't responded. My younger son is in town from college and he was reticent to even be here, so he's probably going to head back fairly soon. He wants nothing to do with his brother. It breaks my heart that they don't have a good brother relationship but it's not fair for me to ask him to be patient or give his brother yet another chance when he's had to put up with it his whole life. He's literally a psych major because of his brother. But the well of sympathy for him has drained and he's over it. I have no idea what the next step will be or what today or tomorrow holds. I just have to give the whole situation to God and pray for guidance. Glad I found this site,

[Blueskyday]

Welcome to the forum. It is such a friendly welcoming place. I have learned so much since coming here. I think I have learned more about myself than anything else. It helps.

The thing that is literally hitting me over the head as I read through our posts is the age of our "children"..They are a lot of them approaching 30. Mine is 30. They are or should be fully fledged adults.

 I saw a game of 21 going on with me and my daughter. I personally think we get trauma bonded to their child and allow them to stick rather than deal.

Why do we allow them to abuse us as a child would when they are adults? I saw my dtr regress within her relationship to me, neglect the child, scream at the child and the dog and yet have friendships with her favourite people. She doesn't scream at the kid unless drunk in front of them.

She smiles and reassures others is seemingly kind and vulnerable I keep asking myself how is it possible for her to regulate with people she wants to?

In my case I am afraid I have concluded she uses pure manipulation as a means to an end. The only reason I see my Grandchild is that she can't be bothered with her and wants a free sitter. The child is 8 and asks to see me. If not for this I would be totally cut out

I am after all a stoic, cold person who doesn't want to be a Mother. I am selfish, cruel and without emotion.
She tells anyone who will listen. What she doesn't realise is that people will wonder why she would send her child to such a monster.

[BoyMom]

I can so relate. People tell me all the time how wonderful my son is, how funny and creative and such a sweetheart and I know these things because I see the same things. But for some reason he saves the worst for us and in our home. I asked my stepson how things went when he and his half sister went to California to visit my son. "He was the perfect host and everything was great." I asked my stepdaughter how things were when my son visited her and her son in DC, "He was the perfect house guest and things were great."  I didn't tell her that he walked to a nearby coffee shop one day and rage-texted me how I NEEDED to tell her that it was ok for him to give her son an exedrin for a headache, that she must think he's stupid and doesn't know what he's talking about and must think he's trying to hurt his nephew and he knows what he's talking about and anyone who thinks it's not ok to give him an exedrin is stupid & "nobody believes me when really I'm the only person anyone should believe".  I tried to tell him that it wasn't either of our places to tell a mother what to give her child and he just said that I was obsessed with being right & getting in the last word - classic projection because that's what he's obsessed with, being right and getting the last word. But apparently he got it all out on me and returned to her house and continued to be the perfect house guest.
I've heard that people hurt the ones closest to them and the ones with which he feels most comfortable and that seems to be the case here. Lucky us.