My son has bpd

[Parents! Get help here!]

 

I'm married for 23 years with two kids. My daughter has depression but is treated well and will be 23 in January. 

My 21 year old son has bpd and bipolar. He was diagnosed in April. He and I were close for his teens years. His elementary years were very hard as he'd go into rages and blaming and was very very emotional. I suffer from depression and ptsd and some anxiety (had a very hard home life when young). 

My son went into counseling at about age 10 or 11. He was diagnosed then with add and depression after much testing. He didn't want to be on medication anymore at almost 14 because of side  effects (and we tried many add drugs which ended up with a non stimulant add med and an antidepressant). This year at 20 years old he wanted help because he started having very bad depression. He had up and down moods during the teen years that were exaggerated and he'd oversleep and miss school a lot, but he didn't want help and we thought his involvement in church and playing guitar in a worship band at church was "helping" him.  He now says none of that helped. He self harms and the meds they've tried  for bipolar, except for Lamictal, haven't helped and so now he's only on Lamictal.

I'm pretty devastated and he is verbally abusive to me only and that i caused this and he'll never get better etc.

He sees a counselor once a week so I'm grateful for that. We are going to try family counseling. I see a counselor once a week (was tapering off after a long time of counseling but now have to go back more often).

Any help and input is greatly appreciated.

Thank you!

[Debbie R]

 

I'm married for 23 years with two kids. My daughter has depression but is treated well and will be 23 in January. 

My 21 year old son has bpd and bipolar. He was diagnosed in April. He and I were close for his teens years. His elementary years were very hard as he'd go into rages and blaming and was very very emotional. I suffer from depression and ptsd and some anxiety (had a very hard home life when young). 

My son went into counseling at about age 10 or 11. He was diagnosed then with add and depression after much testing. He didn't want to be on medication anymore at almost 14 because of side  effects (and we tried many add drugs which ended up with a non stimulant add med and an antidepressant). This year at 20 years old he wanted help because he started having very bad depression. He had up and down moods during the teen years that were exaggerated and he'd oversleep and miss school a lot, but he didn't want help and we thought his involvement in church and playing guitar in a worship band at church was "helping" him.  He now says none of that helped. He self harms and the meds they've tried  for bipolar, except for Lamictal, haven't helped and so now he's only on Lamictal.

I'm pretty devastated and he is verbally abusive to me only and that i caused this and he'll never get better etc.

He sees a counselor once a week so I'm grateful for that. We are going to try family counseling. I see a counselor once a week (was tapering off after a long time of counseling but now have to go back more often).

Any help and input is greatly appreciated.

Thank you!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[twojaybirds]

 
It sounds like you have so many pieces in order.  Everyone is talking, in therapy and without denial.  The fact that your son can name so well what he is feeling is something to be grateful for.

The help you may want is knowing what can you do for you to keep you healthy; physically and emotionally.  What are you doing for that?

[Debbie R]

I had back surgery in September and had reactions to the anesthesia and was hospitalized for 9 days. I just in the last month was better to where I'm walking more and taking better care of myself by reading up on bpd and praying more also.

I need to know better how to validate my son.  He splits a lot.. It's very hard to handle. We can barely have a conversation and he hates being here though I barely talk to him. He doesn't make much money at his part time job at the University so he can't move out. He won't take responsibility yet and I know that I can't force him.

[Isanni]

For validating him... I found it was a mindset that I had to switch to. It was hard to do.

Perhaps stick with the feeling of depression you have had (you mention you suffered from depression). Think about how you try to get that feeling to go, but it won't. It's like an elephant sitting on your chest and you can't push it off even though you want to. Bad feeling. Can't quickly change it.

Your son - he has the same thing. Bad feeling (rage, frustration, hurt, anger...) He doesn't want this bad feeling. He hates it. Hates what it leads him to say or do.

With that mindset - poor young guy has these bad feelings that flood him and he doesn't know how to stop it - you might be able to more quickly validate him. "I can see and hear that you're angry. Is that right? That sucks. I'm sorry you feel that way."  But you don't validate his bad behavior - swearing, yelling or whatever. Just his feelings.

For me, step 1 is believing they hate their feelings and are suffering because of them (majorly intensive, long lasting and not easy to control). Create empathy. Step 2 is learning words and phrases to validate. Also, validating is just listening too - not distracted, very interested, repeating back what you hear. Step 3 is practicing - it's unnatural at first.

Words and phrases: It must be so hard to feel that way. You seem to be sad today, Is that right? It is frustrating and a downer to have to go to work when you don't want to. It can see it's been a hard day for you. It's a miserable experience to be left out. I'm sorry you're hurt about...

Not validating: I don't understand why you are so angry. If you could just think more positively, you'd be happier. No one but you sees it like that. GEt over it.

[Debbie R]

Thank you, lsanni, for  your help.  I truly appreciate your input. That helps a lot.