So it’s over

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I am nice. I am kind. After a poulticeload of therapy I have found I am not co dependent. I have been officially/non-officially been diagnosed as being ‘just a really nice person’ by my therapist
My partner of 4 years was dishonest with bpd about 8 months ago. It’s over. But getting him to accept that has been an absolute nightmare. There have been suicide attempts, threats of more suicide attempts until finally, HE decided it was over (fantastic news!). But he has now contacted me. I haven’t contacted him back...I think it is probably better that we never talk again (for everyone). This is despite him still having all mine and my son’s belongings at his house (though I have said to his ex wife that even if I don’t get anything back, it would be much healthier for him to get rid of all my stuff).
I’m just venting really. It’s bloody difficult. And you have to be incredibly strong. And, despite my not liking it, you really do need support. It’s too hard to do it alone.

[Thornton]

I am nice. I am kind. After a poulticeload of therapy I have found I am not co dependent. I have been officially/non-officially been diagnosed as being ‘just a really nice person’ by my therapist
My partner of 4 years was dishonest with bpd about 8 months ago. It’s over. But getting him to accept that has been an absolute nightmare. There have been suicide attempts, threats of more suicide attempts until finally, HE decided it was over (fantastic news!). But he has now contacted me. I haven’t contacted him back...I think it is probably better that we never talk again (for everyone). This is despite him still having all mine and my son’s belongings at his house (though I have said to his ex wife that even if I don’t get anything back, it would be much healthier for him to get rid of all my stuff).
I’m just venting really. It’s bloody difficult. And you have to be incredibly strong. And, despite my not liking it, you really do need support. It’s too hard to do it alone.

[Thornton]

Diagnosed ...not dishonest.

[formflier]

I'm so sorry you have having a hard time with this recent BPD diagnosis.

I'm wondering if you learned some skills that should lead to more stable talks with a pwBPD (person with BPD) if you would be interested in trying to talk to your partner again?

I want to assure you that you have found a place that "get's it".  The crazy, the declarations (it's over!), and on and on.

What does your T have to say about future contact with your partner? 

Best,

FF

[Cat Familiar]

I can totally understand not wanting to have contact with him again. My concern is that you and your son might want/need some of those possessions back at some point.

I’m visualizing a strategy to do that. Would hiring some professional movers (I’m thinking a couple of big burly guys) and notifying him (perhaps sending a legal letter) of the date of retrieval be an option?

[Thornton]

I think it is probably healthier for me to not worry about possessions; they are just things after all. His ex wife has said that she will help with trying to get them back and at the moment that’s good enough for me.
In terms of trying different ways of speaking, I have done a huge amount of research (I believed he had either bipolar or borderline from about 18 months in but getting him to a therapist and then another and then another took a lot of time and effort and management. I think you come to a point when enough is enough. That point for me was when I really started to believe I was worthless and when I looked in the mirror I didn’t recognise myself anymore. I won’t have tried everything and i didn’t get it ‘right’ but I have taken a lot of time learning to accept that it’s ok to not want to be in it anymore. It is really a sad fact that despite him being a good man, his behaviour and our lack of knowledge/skill in trying to manage it, eroded what we had too much for me to want to continue.
He is obsessive regarding me and any contact with me appears to cause his emotional level go from a 4/5 to a 10 and as I have tried numerous times and remained calm, loving and letting him know he is heard and that I see that his feelings are real and painful, talking has not been successful. He believes we are twin flames (two halves of the same soul). I do not know how to get him to accept that this is not what I believe.
There was an update this morning on my not contacting him back. I woke up to two missed calls; one from his daughter and one from his ex wife. They were at his house with the police at 1:47am as he had suddenly stopped messaging his sister in England and she had rung to let them know she was worried and to call the police.
The police were checking to see if he had come out to me.
The police had a search dog who could not locate him. His ex wife found him as she was driving down the drive. She nearly drove over him as he was lying down, not moving. What he said when she got out of the car was, I just need to talk to Thornton.
But if I had messaged him back, we would have to go through this whole cycle again. It just feels like I am making an impossible decision every time. Again, I’m just venting...somehow writing it down makes it easier. Thanks for the support, I really appreciate it
Ps big burly men could be an option for the future but it feels like he is so very on the edge at the moment...I don’t want to tip the balance. If that makes sense.

[Cat Familiar]

He does sound fragile at the moment and I can understand why you want to remain no contact.

We here do see the wonderful side of our partners, but often there’s so much emotional damage that it’s healthier to let these relationships go. It sounds like that fits your perspective.