I am a woman dating a woman. My partner keeps raging at me.

[janethedoe]

Hello BPD Family,

I want to begin by saying I was in a volatile relationship with a woman diagnosed with BPD two years ago, and I found BPD Family to be such a huge support to me in building up the courage to exit that relationship. 

My issue now is that I am in a new relationship with a different woman and it’s feeling just as toxic! My “new” girlfriend (let’s call her Jess) and I have been dating for nearly two years. So it’s not so new. I moved from New York to Texas to be with Jess - gave up my job, left my friends and family, etc. We moved into an apartment together about a year ago and there has been extreme amounts of dischord and disharmony ever since... but I’m shocked by it. Jess presented herself to be so stable and drama-free during the time we were dating long distance... how could this be?

I should also mention for the chance that it’s relevant that Jess is in her early 30s but has only been in relationships with men before me. She came out to her family and everyone in her life after meeting me. From what Jess has shared, it sounds like she’s had a history of some abuse and being taken advantage of. Shes from a very small town. She’s also extremely beautiful. Swears to me she is attracted to women and has always known this about herself. But we’ve had many sexual issues. She says she’d have sexual issues if I were a man, too. And Jess feels disempowered when I challenge her sexuality.

Anyway, the main issue is that, about 4 months after we started living together, Jess started becoming physically violent toward me during arguments. She can escalate from 0 to 60 in seconds flat. When she doesn’t get what she needs from me (often affection), she becomes panicked and enraged. She is smaller than me, and I am much stronger. But there have been times where she’s shoved me, yanked me by the shirt, wrestled me to the ground, scratched me, and given me minor bruises. I almost never fight back, though I’ve pushed back a small handful of times when I just couldn’t take it anymore. Jess yells and screams and rages in my face. And to me, it usually feels like it’s over nothing. I believe she struggles with severe anxiety, repressed trauma, and has a problem with regulating her emotions. My therapist suggested that Jess might have BPD.

I am an avid therapy-goer and have been for years. But Jess refuses to go to therapy or to get professional help. I’ve made it clear to her that the ways she gaslights me and treats me is not acceptable, but I’ve had difficulty upholding certain boundaries because we live together in a one-bedroom apartment.

At this point, I feel beyond drained, like the life force has been sucked right out of me. But Jess continues to tell me that “if I only stop challenging her sexuality,” or, “if I only behave this way or that,” she won’t reach the extremes that she does. Of course, I don’t buy it. That’s toxic. I’m schooled enough in psychology and self-help books to know that. But Jess has a way of making me feel blamed and responsible for her rages. She’ll tell me I’m emotionally insensitive, simply because I shut down, as any human would when being screamed at by someone who often acts extremely childish and demanding.

The other day, it got so bad that I had to struggle to the door and leave my apartment. I drove off in my car and parked somewhere in my neighborhood for a moment of peace and to collect myself. And Jess sped after me, wrecklessly in the rain, trying to find me. She kept calling me, screaming, telling me she was having a panic attack and demanding that I come home immediately. She even threatened that she wanted to drive her car into a house. Totally unfair, I’m aware.

But the strangest thing is that the day after this extreme argument, once the storm had passed, Jess was still telling me she wanted to marry me. That she believes we’ll be together forever no matter what. And that she even wants to adopt a baby with me someday.

This breaks my heart. And it’s hard. Because Jess is the most physically attractive woman I’ve ever had the chance to be with. It’s not that I’m bad-looking. But Jess looks straight, and I would consider her a 10 out of 10 looks-wise. Whereas I might be a 7 or 8. So that’s been a really dumb reason to stay. But as an androgynous gay woman, I I don’t encounter women like Jess every day. She is my physical dream. And the dating pool is different for me than it would be if I were a straight man (and this is also something I deeply struggle with). Though, of course, looks and even some personality commonalities are not enough to make a toxic relationship work. It’s just been difficult for me to kill my dream here - I thought I would move to this new city and settle down with this beautiful person. I never imagined it would turn out to be the way it’s been.

So... I expect that most of you will hail, “LEAVE!”... this is clearly a very toxic situation that’s been negatively impacting my mental, physical, emotional, and spiritual well-being. It’s hard for me to feel my love for Jess, after she has repeatedly subjected me to such unfair treatment and rage. And it’s hard to find any trace of hope to hold onto, when she continues to justify her behaviors and essentially blame me for them. And when she is unwilling to go to therapy to face the darkness that lives within her (clearly darkness that’s been there since before we met).

I guess the questions I have for the community are... do you have any words of advice? Do you think Jess might have BPD? Is there any chance in hell this could still work or what are some strategies for coming up with an exit plan? Our current lease expires in 5 months, which is a long time. And it would be financially challenging for either of us to afford our current apartment on our own. Also, I consider myself to be quite an “evolved” and emotionally stable person! How do I keep attracting people like this into my life? It makes me feel like it must be me because I’ve never had a relationship that has felt healthy or “normal.”

Thanks in advance! I appreciate all of you and your support.

[Cat Familiar]

Something, other than her fabulous looks, keeps you motivated to try and make this relationship work. What do you suppose that is?

[janethedoe]

Cat Familiar, that is a really excellent question. Thank you  . I will keep reflecting on this but I think I am very attached to the idea of settling down with one person at this point in my life. Someone who is as monogomous and loyal as me. And Jess is those things. I love our apartment - much nicer than any apartment I’ve ever had in New York City! I love Texas and the fact that I took this leap to be here. So I suppose I am just attached to the story of all that.

And I am very attached to the person Jess presented herself to be on the INSIDE when we first started dating - thoughtful, grounded, stable, responsible, passionate, and someone who had my best interest in mind. We bonded over music but now we never listen to music together (literally and metaphorically). Nothing is the way I imagined it would be and I’m still desperately trying to preserve the dream.

[Cat Familiar]

That's a good, thoughtful answer. So you are getting some of what you'd hoped for in this relationship along with some unexpected negative qualities you certainly didn't anticipate. You feel in love with her idealized self that she presented at the beginning, but now you're seeing the full picture of who she is, it sounds like you're questioning the viability of this relationship.

[janethedoe]

Cat Familiar, precisely. Long distance relationships can be especially dangerous because of the idealization. I guess all relationships involve some degree of idealization in the beginning.

[formflier]

Hey janethedoe

(completely lovin the name!)

Listen, I get the vibe of "oh no...another one!  Is it me?"  (or something like that).

Here is the thing.  It's not likely that you "missed" red flags, but it's more about what you do when you "see" the red flags.

I would guess that there weren't any before you moved in.  

Did you stay in her town for several months, yet live apart, perhaps where you could see her every day?

Anyway, BPD is an "intimate disorder".  So I can completely believe that an average reasonable person can date a person and not have any idea about dysfunction until you move in together.  I think it's especially likely it would "suddenly" show up if there was a move in and it was really hard to undo (time, distance and money), like in your case.

Enough on that.

My primary concern and advice for you is that YOU find a way to diffuse things so that you have a chance to "breathe" and consider the relationship and perhaps make it 5 months..perhaps.

Basically, you can't control her...but you can control if "you dump fuel on her fire".  That doesn't mean you started her "fire" but you can "influence it".  

There is no way to know if that will be enough until we try and work through it.

Are you up for working through some of your big conflicts?  I hate for you to have to go through them again, but only way I know of to properly advise you.

Can you do some she said she said on a couple of your "big blowups" and I bet we can point you in a better direction.

I'm concerned about your safety.  Let's work on that first.

Best,

FF

[janethedoe]

Dear FF,

Bless your heart for investing your thoughtfulness here, and for asking me to provide some scenarios so that we can dive a bit deeper.

I'm sure you're right - I did see a few red flags in the way of things moving very quickly with Jess in the beginning, but I let it happen because I didn't want to lose her. She seemed "too good to be true." Or at least, "too good to be mine."

Truth be told, I was still healing from my previous relationship with my BPD-diagnosed-ex-girlfriend when Jess and I began talking, dating, and seeing each other. And I'm sure it would have been wise of me to have given myself more time to get my head on straight again before investing myself in someone new.

To answer your question, no, when I moved to Texas is when Jess and I moved right into our shared apartment. There was never a period where I lived close to her but in my own apartment. That too probably would have been wise. Before we moved in together, we had been talking everyday and dating long-distance for about 6-8 months. And in those months, we would fly back and forth to see each other about once a month.

The red flags I noticed back then were these:
-Jess claimed she was in love with me before we ever met face-to-face (when we would only write back-and-forth to each other).
-Jess had moments of seeming very anxious, especially when visiting me. My friends and sister thought she seemed very shy.
-I considered it a red flag that Jess had mainly dated men before me, though maybe it's unfair of me to consider this a red flag, given her upbringing and background.

But nonetheless, thank you for validating that BPD can "suddenly show up," and that it's not likely that I was totally blind. Moving in with someone is always a reality check.

That said, I would love to be able to diffuse things and make this work... I'd love to learn how not to "dump fuel on her fire." I have been experimenting with this for a while, and I think the best thing I can do when Jess has a "freakout" is to not react to it... to not make it about me... but also, to not shut down. Often, she just wants to be hugged and babied, and she needs me to be "the strong one." But it's rare I am capable of babying her when she's raging because she's treating me unfairly. I also don't want to enable her, or reinforce that parent-child dynamic that we sometimes fall into. But if I try to set a boundary or speak to her with logic when she is raging and spiraling, it only adds fuel to her fire.

I'll give you two recent examples:

(1) The other day, Jess and I were grocery shopping. Jess was sick and so she asked me if we could hurry to grab the last of our items and leave the store. I said, "Okay," and started moving faster, throwing a few final items into the cart. Then, while on the checkout line, Jess pointed out that I placed a carton of eggs on the loaf of bread in the cart, denting the bread. Immediately, I judged her as ridiculous for pointing this out and thought, "Why does it matter if the bread is dented? Also, why is she being critical of me when I was only trying to hurry so we could leave the store?" I was flustered, just trying to get through checkout. But before leaving the store, Jess pulled me aside in the breezeway as I'm pushing this giant cart of groceries and asked me "to apologize" to her. "For what?" I asked? I didn't really say anything to her outwardly (despite being a bit pissy and flustered) so I told her, "Let's just get out of this store and then we can talk."

Now, it's pouring rain and I'm trying to just load the car when Jess asks me again to stop and talk to her for a second. That's when I sort of yelled, like, "Are you serious? It's pouring! Can we just get the bags into the car and talk once we're in the car?" Then, once we got everything loaded and we were sitting in the car, we had an hour-and-a half-long argument because Jess felt I was insensitive to her feelings by not apologizing for my attitude before leaving the store. Meanwhile, I just wanted the chance to talk to her when I wasn't flustered or being rained on. During our argument, Jess was screaming at the top of her lungs and raging at me. She even shoved me and was hitting my dashboard, like a child having a tantrum. She said all she needed from me before we got into the car was to say, "Baby, I was just flustered. I'm not mad at you." But how could I have said this when I didn't even know what she was upset about? I just wanted the chance to actually listen to her feelings and understand what I was apologizing for, and so it felt ridiculous to me that she was so impatient, and that her emotions were so intense over something so minuscule.

(2) Another example - the other morning, Jess told me she was sad that she's had to be sick during the entire holiday break and her week off from work. Sympathetically, I responded, "I know, babe. It sucks you haven't been feeling well." To which Jess replied, "Wait, that's not what I want you to say. I want you to tell me it's okay that I'm sick and that we're going to have a good day anyway." I probably rolled my eyes and said, "Okay... it's okay that you're sick and we're going to have a good day anyway." Then, sensing my sarcasm, Jess started kicking her feet, about to have a tantrum and said, "Wait, I need you to fix it! Hug me or something! Tell me it's going to be okay!" I put my hands up and said "No, no no! I need to set a boundary here. I'm not going to hug you when you're being demanding like this and screaming at me. You're stressing me out in my home and it isn't fair. There's no need to panic like this. You can communicate your feelings calmly." Then, Jess was offended and hurt that I put my hands up and yelled, "No, no, no." So again, she asked me to apologize...

Jess is ALWAYS asking me to apologize. She makes me responsible for all of her emotions, and I honestly feel so gaslighted, like my hands are tied behind my back. Like, I know Jess just wants love, and that simply hugging her in many of these moments would help put out her fire. But I find it impossible to hug someone who is yelling at me and being so childish and demanding. It honestly shuts me down for days. Perhaps I am at times judgmental of Jess's feelings or insensitive? But I want to pull my hair out when I feel like I'm living with a 3-year-old. And I refuse to be a pushover or enabler. I refuse to be abused like this.
 
These sort of blowups happen almost daily. And I do feel like I'm walking on eggshells. And I am very exhausted.

Can't wait for your advice on how you think I can diffuse things enough so that I have the chance to breathe!

Thank you so dearly in advance for your advice and support.

With Gratitude,

janethedoe

[formflier]

Pretty much what I figured.  It's exhausting isn't it?   

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=273415.0

https://www.bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-dont-be-invalidating

https://bpdfamily.com/pdfs/validation_slides.pdf


If you google and search, there are many many more threads and examples.  It's important that you understand validation and invalidation and how they affect your pwBPD's feelings.

Note:  This is a long term project.  Personally I'm not that good at validation, yet I can avoid invalidating or realize when I have to say something invalidating and be ready to "clean up" the emotional mess that is left.

Anyway spend some time in those threads and then read your examples.  I challenge you to find a few things that likely "invalidated" your pwBPD.

Best,

FF

[janethedoe]

FF,

I viewed all of the links and resources you sent. I even watched the 50-min video on validation vs. invalidation.

And wow, I can’t thank you enough. My eyes now feel much more open.

Reading back on the two examples I provided, I can easily see where my behavior was invalidating. In the first example, I basically put off my pwBPD despite her feeling her feelings were urgent. And in the second example, I rolled my eyes, which is an invalidating gesture. And I probably sounded like I was mocking her too.

I love what I am learning. These lines especially stood out to me:

-A person’s experience is always valid. It doesn’t matter if the experience is based in misunderstanding, faulty logic, etc.
-Validation is not about facts. It’s about another person’s wants, thoughts, and feelings
-Validation is never about lying, it is not about being ruled by the emotions of others, and it is not letting people "walk all over us". We never want to validate the “invalid”.
-Validating someone's thoughts, feelings, or beliefs does not necessarily mean we agree, overall, with what they are thinking, or feeling, or with their behavior.

This has always been where I get the most tripped up - I don’t want to be invalidating but also, I don’t want to be an enabler. And sometimes that line is hard to see.

Now, I have a “dirty” question that probably gets asked a lot, and forgive me for asking it but...

I have an easier time understanding why a parent dealing with a pwBPD child might do this hard work to stretch themselves - to be more compassionate and validating, even when the child is acting in ways that seem totally irrational. But... romantic relationships are chosen relationships. And there are plenty of fish in the sea. Of course, people with BPD deserve love but why would a person willingly choose a relationship with a pwBPD when it can be so challenging?

I, personally, don’t want to have to feel like a parent to my partner for all of my adult life. And how can I feel a true, intimate/spiritual connection with someone whose view of the world I disagree with most of the time?

[Cat Familiar]

You ask, “Why would a person willingly choose a relationship with a pwBPD when it can be so challenging?”

There’s lots of answers to that question and I’ll list some of the most common ones I’ve seen:

1. Having had a pwBPD in one’s family of origin—the “odd” behaviors seem familiar and don’t set off alarms in the beginning of the relationship

2. Becoming enmeshed through marriage, having children together, buying property, or becoming “comfortable” living together

3. Falling in love with the idealized side and being able to put up with the difficult side

4. Feeling a need to “rescue” one’s partner

5. Fearing for one’s partner’s safety

I’m sure others can enumerate other reasons. What is implicit in all on my list is an asymmetrical relationship. If the relationship is to succeed, the non must be the emotional leader.

[formflier]

2. Becoming enmeshed through marriage, having children together, buying property, or becoming “comfortable” living together

3. Falling in love with the idealized side and being able to put up with the difficult side
 

2 and 3 are the big ones for me. 

I have 8 children (BPDish stuff showed up later in marriage) and we have quite a bit of joint property (rentals and investments).

Plus, the things I've learned here and in therapy have allowed me to influence (or stop influencing...stop pouring gas on the fire) "bad behavior" and it's also taught me how to care for myself and "find happiness".

There's nothing like a day of hauling my girls and horses to an event or just taking them to train for a while that put's the world at ease.

My wife and I genuinely have a lot of fun and good relationship when emotions are in check.

Best,

FF

[janethedoe]

Thank you, FF and Cat Familiar.

You both are wonderful.

In my case, my partner and I rarely have fun together. It’s mostly just hard. She isn’t overly adoring of me. I find myself needing to be very strong, humble, and emotionally secure since she doesn’t give very much in terms of words of affirmation, acts of service, or sexual intimacy. We spend a lot of time together. That’s about it.

So I’m wondering if the fun will come, once I get better at not invalidating her.

And we shall see...