Long exhausting conversation about potential learning disabilities

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

D9 (3rd grade) is not and has not been doing well in school for a long time.  She is on Concerta and that helps.  We give lots of individual attention and that helps. 

Yet when you step back and look, she's at the bottom of most tests and most metrics.  Is a very sweet and lovely girl to hang out with.

So...my wife and I agree that the "path" she is on isn't working, yet my wife doesn't want to do evaluations, just do more individual instruction or homeschool. 

Basically my wife's process appears to be...come up with solution and then assemble facts/opinions to support.

My process is that I realize there are many "known unknowns" and it's time to minimize those.

So asking if she is OK with going to our GP to start the referral process resulted in yes, no, I'm going to divorce you, this is like the time you called our vet instead of listening to me when our daughter had meningitis, I won't allow the school system to test her, I won't allow it to be in her medical records, we need to call our lawyer so we can know what happens when the schools system tests her,

Then the conversation was over

Then she restarted it again seemingly "being on the side of the school" (who has always been the villain). 

How exhausting...

Normally I would exit these, but she kinda held it together, she was recording (I was not), the she said  that I wasn't trustworthy because I record conversations...

A very dry...slow calm response from me of "And your recording know means what?"  (she was briefly flustered, then kinda composed herself for a while)

If I had to guess right now she is going to "demand" that the school does the evaluations, rather than go independent.  Up until today she has "forbidden" the school from doing them.

Wow..still processing.  I need a vacation.

Best,

FF

[formflier]

D9 (3rd grade) is not and has not been doing well in school for a long time.  She is on Concerta and that helps.  We give lots of individual attention and that helps. 

Yet when you step back and look, she's at the bottom of most tests and most metrics.  Is a very sweet and lovely girl to hang out with.

So...my wife and I agree that the "path" she is on isn't working, yet my wife doesn't want to do evaluations, just do more individual instruction or homeschool. 

Basically my wife's process appears to be...come up with solution and then assemble facts/opinions to support.

My process is that I realize there are many "known unknowns" and it's time to minimize those.

So asking if she is OK with going to our GP to start the referral process resulted in yes, no, I'm going to divorce you, this is like the time you called our vet instead of listening to me when our daughter had meningitis, I won't allow the school system to test her, I won't allow it to be in her medical records, we need to call our lawyer so we can know what happens when the schools system tests her,

Then the conversation was over

Then she restarted it again seemingly "being on the side of the school" (who has always been the villain). 

How exhausting...

Normally I would exit these, but she kinda held it together, she was recording (I was not), the she said  that I wasn't trustworthy because I record conversations...

A very dry...slow calm response from me of "And your recording know means what?"  (she was briefly flustered, then kinda composed herself for a while)

If I had to guess right now she is going to "demand" that the school does the evaluations, rather than go independent.  Up until today she has "forbidden" the school from doing them.

Wow..still processing.  I need a vacation.

Best,

FF

[GaGrl]

Sounds like she is spinning and really doesn't have a plan yet.

I will say that my best help with my son (ADHD, dysgraphic, social anxiety) was from a Ph.D. Level educational psychologist in private practice. If your insurance covers that type of assessment, you might look into that.

What is FFwife's objection to having an assessment on her medical records?

[formflier]

What is FFwife's objection to having an assessment on her medical records?

She said that I have access to medical records without a subpoena whereas school records have to be subpoenaed and I won't be able to see them.

I don't understand that and everytime I tried to ask for clarification it came out substantially different.

What she wants.  She wants 100% total control of her daughters education in home school (yes she said that).  She has a degree and doesn't need other people, because she is also her mother.

I asked her about her opinion on dyscalculia and her response was that D9 may end up being a hair dresser or not take calculus in college.

Right...my point exactly.

I don't know if she has it, but I would like her evaluated by someone that can do a proper evaluation and rule out dyscalculia and other things.

It appears to me she does ok in reading and spelling, but putting math concepts together is blowing her mind.  Things like working out how to tell time and use and analog clock...she's just not getting it.

And...I mean we've done this before...she is number 7. 

Sigh...exhausting.

Best,

FF

[Cat Familiar]

Do you think that your wife might be personalizing some of your daughter's learning difficulties? Perhaps from her sense of self extending to her children? And then she might feel professionally threatened, as if her qualifications as a teacher are being questioned if professionals were to assess your daughter's disability?

[empath]

Have any of your other kids had IEP evaluations? All 3 of my kids have had IEPs when they were young, and right now, my youngest D15 is in a sort of pre-eval process where the school is trying some informal interventions before committing to a full-blown evaluation.

Legally, parents have the right to access their children's educational record and medical records, unless the courts have changed those rights for an individual parent. You also technically don't need her agreement.

I would be concerned about getting an impartial eval through the school because of your wife's position. If the recommendation came from the GP, would your wife be more willing?

[formflier]

Do you think that your wife might be personalizing some of your daughter's learning difficulties? Perhaps from her sense of self extending to her children? And then she might feel professionally threatened, as if her qualifications as a teacher are being questioned if professionals were to assess your daughter's disability?

Yes..double and triple yes.

Plus, she is basically pissed off at the mental health community, she kind feels like "they won" and the "biblical counselors" lost  (because the biblical counselors did unethical things, by their own ethical standards).

If you remember, involving a psychologist with us was her idea.  I wasn't opposed to it but certainly wasn't pushing it.  Then my wife realized she lost control and demanded I quit..standard threats.  Of course I continued, so now she dislikes the entire profession.

And yes has said that in various ways at various times and would likely deny any and all of it ever happened as well.

Yeah..exhausting.

Best,

FF

[Baglady]

Hi FF,

Just my 2 cents as someone who works in special education in public schools, conducts educational evaluations, and who has drafted more IEP's than I've had breakfasts.  I work for a very ethical school district with high standards of evaluation and service - not perfect but we do the best we can with the limited resources we have. I can't speak to the professional qualifications of the team at your child's school but a good special education team will impartially evaluate your child - personal agendas and vendettas rarely enter the picture in my view.  Frankly, we don't have the time or energy for such drama.  I've evaluated almost a thousand children over the years - I only care about the following - a child's performance on standardized tests, parent and teacher reports, observations and a thorough review of the child's academic performance.  How I personally "feel" about the child or their parents does not enter the equation at all.  I would vouch for most all professionals in the field having the same perspective.  The team is legally required to gain parental consent prior to conducting any evaluations and legally obligated to share any information gained through said evaluation in a timely manner with parents.

A good evaluation team will also conduct pretty much the same evaluations as a private psychologist/therapist etc. for zero cost (i.e. your tax payer dollars at work) potentially saving you a considerable amount of money.

Special educators are in the people business - we've seen it all basically.  I'd bet my bottom dollar that any team worth their salt has already experienced a parent or two like your wife and will hopefully have the savvy to navigate the situation delicately.  We also tend to zero in pretty quickly on recognizing the more emotionally stable parent in the picture.

Warmly,
B

[formflier]

 
So would you possess the qualifications to evaluate and "rule out" dyslexia and/or Dyscalculia?


History. 

My wife spent some time in the "resource room" and did several years at the "rough school" in the school corporation.  Lots of horrible..horrible stories.  One of her kids father was killed by police in a domestic shootout, kids living in "projects" (I could go on)

So once a kid could be "labeled" then they could be sent to resource room at which point they didn't "drag down" the school and teacher scores and would be in the teachers class much less, which meant the class was easier to manage.

My wife's last year there she had 6 or 7 kids in her room with "files".  They normally try to keep it to 2 or 3. 

Kids with files flip tables, run around the school, have to be physically restrained (by appropriately trained people only)...etc etc

I could go on.

I'm kinda getting lost in my story.  My goal is to say that my wife does have a valid point of view that there are "some" that will try to jam a kid in a round hole when they are a square, because "of the numbers".

We may get lucky and avoid that...but I would rather get "clean data" and at this point I want to make sure "i'm not missing anything"...which is why I want to "rule out" certain issues.

Best,

FF

[Baglady]

Hi FF,

Personally I'm not the actual team member who identifies learning disabilities in math or reading but I've been a member of the evaluation teams for hundreds of these students due to my particular area of expertise.  We are audited annually by the state department of education and I'm audited by my professional board.  We do not play the kind of numbers game that your wife describes. 

Again, I work for a highly ethical and professional school district but I'm sure there are some bad apples out there.   It may be a good idea to talk to the PTA or other parents in your school district about their experience of special education services at your daughter's school. 

My district (and most districts) do not place students with your daughter's learning profile (i.e. struggling in math) in the type of resource room described by your wife.  A resource room placement is typically for students with deeply significant behavioral/emotional needs.  Yes the behaviors you describe exist in schools (working in special education in public schools is extremely challenging at times) not gonna sugar coat it. 

Hope this helps.

Warmly,
B

[Enabler]

I think one of the issues here is whether or not it is better to know privately that your child has a disability vs knowing publicly that your child has a disability.

Formal testing often forces pigeonholing and often those pigeonholes are not wholly appropriate (square peg round hole). Most learning disabilities seem to exist on a spectrum, FF's D being put together with children with severe learning disabilities could be less advantageous that her remaining with children with no learning disabilities. I was talking to a friend at a NYE party on Tuesday, she is a primary school teacher, her S12 shows a great number of ASD traits, however he is academically successful. She feels that formal testing for ASD is unnecessary and could hinder his opportunities (whilst at the moment he seems to be flourishing). I guess the question there would be, would he be able to flourish even more if they had a private diagnosis enabling them to focus their attention on specific areas where he needs support and understanding, whilst not publicly labelling him as 'different'.

Do you also think your W fears the good/bad, black/white thoughts of formal diagnosis? ... things that are hers have to be perfect (all white), how can something that is hers not be perfect?

Enabler   

[formflier]

Formal testing often forces pigeonholing and often those pigeonholes are not wholly appropriate (square peg round hole). Most learning disabilities seem to exist on a spectrum, FF's D being put together with children with severe learning disabilities could be less advantageous that her remaining with children with no learning disabilities.

OK..exhale FF.  So far I've done "good" to "better" on the latest round of of whatever is cooking inside my wife.

While eating Raisin Bran this morning I was "standing to close to her" and "she wanted to know what that's about".  We had been talking about nothing in particular and a little about dental scheduling (imagine 8 kids and two adults to move through cleanings and then whatever else is found)

We went from there to "I now know why you didn't get down on one knee for your proposal"  (she never enlightened me, but from tone I'm sure it's a whopper)

And this is less than 30 to 45 minutes from her initiating some right after wakeup quickie sex.

The rapid switches from evil to good and back again.  Groan...

OK, back to this thread.

Here is my point of view.

The school district and the state in general are "financially strapped" and are on the low end of teach pay and raises over the last 10 years (compared to other 50 states).

So lots of financial pressures.  There are some sort of financial incentives tied to test performance and number of children "special needs".  (I was county manager in a different state and understood this better over there, but they are similar in most states)

So...if a school system employee is testing a child and "it's a tweener", there is financial pressure and incentives to push the results one way.  I'm not suggesting they would take a "normal" and make them completely bad...but we know these are spectrum things and if you need a 50 to qualify and the first run through you get a 48...well you might review things.

I'm completely onboard that my daughter might need a lot more services, in fact its likely.

At the stage of figuring it out, I want "clean data" without me worrying about incentives "influencing" an outcome.

That's me.

For my wife, she has personally "heard" teachers "breathing a sigh of relief" that they "finally got little Jimmy in the resource room"  ...  "he was taking up so much of my time, I can't believe it took his parents so long to get onboard"

Every industry has "water cooler talk" and I really doubt any of those teachers were "unethical".  I get it that certain kids and parents "digging in their heels" or "blaming the teacher" is a pain in the butt and teachers need a place to "vent".

Still that colors people (like my wife) and add in some BPD and...wowser, you have an interesting mix of things.

Then there is the "embarrassment"  of having an underachieving kid.  I've got 8 of them.   I say in a lighthearted way "I've had a wide variety of academic talent". 

Seriously...one kid maxed out the SAT and ACT tests.  He seems to absorb knowledge and has a good work ethic to boot.

Then you've got D9 who on NWEA tests is "single digits" and has several Fs on her report card at the moment.

And this is with very involved and capable parents and involved teachers...and involved brothers and sisters. 

For me the latest NWEA tests that actually showed regression and my personal attempts to teach her to use an analog clock got me thinking and searching on google.

Symptoms of Dyscalculia.  Trouble recalling basic math facts. Difficulty linking numbers and symbols to amounts and directions. Difficulty making sense of money (handing a cashier a fistful of bills and change rather than counting it out, for example) Unable to tell time on an analog clock.Aug 12, 2019

I bolded the clock part. 

I've been involved in teaching 6 other kids how to tell time.  So...I explained it and we worked it several different ways.  It would appear "she had it" and then you take a break, come back 10 min later and it's like she's never seen a clock.

I kinda backed off because I could tell she understood she was screwing it up and was getting upset about it.

Then...if you "get her in the mood" of doing multiplication, she will eventually get to the point of "almost being normal".  Then give her a problem where you multiply and then subtract something.  Well, she will get one of them right and then try to do something weird with subtraction.  Again..like she's never done it before.  Give her some focused coaching and she will get that part right and be solid.  Then she looks at multiplication and (wash rinse repeat)...she's never done it before, 10 min of coaching and she's back on track.

Best,

FF

[Enabler]

There's a solid difference between learning and understanding. Learning allows you to do the process in exactly the same way each time given that all variables are the same e.g. if the big hand is pointing to 9 I say "Quarter-to _________" and then the number the little hand is pointing to. Understanding requires a knowledge of why you say certain things when the big hand is where it is, and why you might say something different if it was pointing to 10 instead of 9. Similar to the Maths puzzles, she's able to repeat the process when variables are the same or comparable but any variation and her depth of understanding is revealed as being lacking. Is it only in number situations where this is apparent? Does it also come out in instances where A impacts B impacts C and what's the impact on C i.e. executive function?

It's funny how these things start to snowball as your W (and others) start to pick up new grievances whilst they are stewing on the primary source. My W is extra livid with me at the moment, I'm not 100% certain what it is but it's starting to act like a tornado sucking other things into it. Well done for not chucking any spanners into the vortex... wise.

Enabler

[Fian]

Some thoughts:

• It would probably be good to establish at the start that both of you love your daughter and are trying to figure out the best way for her to succeed in school.  Both of your ideas are coming out of that, even if one or more of you are sincerely wrong.  Hopefully this will counter "painting black" a little.
• As I understand it, you would like her to receive private testing, and your wife would prefer either no testing or public school testing.  It seems to me the compromise would be public school testing.  Or your wife could be heavily involved in choosing the private testing that is performed.
• Your wife has offered to homeschool your daughter.  That could be the solution, but an accurate diagnosis would only help the homeschooling.  Of course, there could be practical considerations of whether your family could afford to not have your wife's income.  But the solution could be discussed after the diagnosis.
• Your wife's divorce threat would not prevent you from getting your daughter tested.  I assume part of the logic is that she recognizes that Biblically you have the final say on the matter, and in her mind if she divorces you that is no longer the case.

[formflier]

There's a solid difference between learning and understanding.

Hey Enabler,

That's a wonderful way to look at it and helps me out a bunch. 

Thanks man.

Best,

FF

[formflier]

Fian

Good summation.  She has been against public school testing and I've been relatively silent and letting things play out.  Basically we tried a few things here and there, had some limited public school evaluations done (by someone handpicked by my wife) and got my daughter on a "504".

The evaluations were limited and "only what she needed".  There was no "let's see what we can find" and definitely no attempt to "rule out" certain things.

https://www.greatschools.org/gk/articles/section-504-2/

Also about the same time we started taking Concerta (ADHD drug)  I'm convinced that has helped and was a good step.

At the time my wife said things like "She'll NEVER need more than this" etc etc  No need to debate that at the time.

Well...now is the time.

You guys can imagine that a pwBPD could be against something up until the realize the non is against it.  Then  "POOF" they are for it because the non is agreeing with them.

That's kinda the "vibe" I got.

Also...as I said it was a long exhausting conversation.  I actually disengaged and went to get in the hot tub (big bathtub) to relax and chill and recenter.

She came in and continue the conversation.

So you can imagine over an hour or longer watching someones amygdala "get hijacked" then calm then go back up and back down.  

The divorce threats and things like that.  I guarantee there was no rational thought behind them...it was during a hijack.

Best,

FF

[kells76]

Would getting "yes issue" result of a publicly funded assessment REQUIRE you both to go whatever route the public assessors indicate?

I.e., would it not be possible to go through the whole assessment journey, get "yes LD" type result at the end, but still, as D9's parents, use your parental authority to say No to a route for whatever reason?

Your W seems to jump from A to Q pretty quickly (your son is dating a Catholic girl, so, clearly, "they're sleeping together"). I wonder if she's jumping from A to Q on this, too: "If D9 gets assessed, then it's inevitable that she's put in a resource room".

Any way to reassure her of your "togetherness" and "strong parenting couple" position?

I mean, if D9 got assessed and "the school" said D9 needs to take X route, but you guys didn't think so, surely "the school" couldn't override your say... or am I off base?

I'm just wondering what some "FFW, if we think D9 doesn't need to be in a resource room, then I'm 110% behind you, nobody will put our D there, I support you" would look like, if that's something your W needs?

...

SD11 sounds just like your D9. Analog clock big issues, digital clock medium issues, almost illegible handwriting. Getting better on math -- she was MULTIPLYING FRACTIONS which I never thought I'd see. Similar position, though, that 10 minutes of intense review, and she can do it on her own, but if we were to go back to "let's multiply fractions like you did two weeks ago", it would be like relearning it.

The kids are in a public charter school with its +'s and -'s. They have a little more flexibility in how they address learning/behavior. SD11 has 1x1 time with a handwriting/writing specialist and 1x1 time with a math specialist. Also is often "allowed" to go to the counselor's office for quiet work time -- she is strongly distracted by the social aspect of school and won't (can't?) do work when there are friends in class.

She can read long text only books at/above grade level now, though -- at age up to 9 I was not sure how that would go. She had a BIG jump in reading ability from age 9 to 10.

I suspect the distraction/chaos around Mom and her emotions has impacted the wiring of SD11's brain, but there's no "control" variable, so I can't know for sure. It does seem like SD11 is primed to be hypervigilant to social pulls (Mom's emotional state... friends in school...), so it's not surprising that she works better in a neutral, distraction free, "boring" environment.

[formflier]

Big massive "jumps" in reasoning...OH yeah...massive.

Any way to reassure her of your "togetherness" and "strong parenting couple" position?
 

I suspect that I invalidated her some when I tried to do this.

She would listen...seem a bit happier and then "poof" dig up something from our past to "prove" I would abandon her and do what i "want".

Maybe 10 years ago our daguther had meningitis (or suspected). (my memory is fuzzy...so don't dig too far into details)

I was the one that took my daughter to emergency room , my wife was a ways off.  There was communication via phone and my wife was enroute (matter of hours).

It was unclear if daughter was improving or not, there is some test where the suck out spinal fluid and test it.  Very painful.  It was presented as optional (for now) but "if we catch things too late"...it could be bad.  One of the "vectors" for infection had to do with farm animals.  We lived on a farm and recently had other animals from other farms there for breeding.

So...I called a personal friend of the family, who is also a vet, and also a mom and obviously a woman (you guys totally see this coming).

She advised "wait and see".  I had a flight surgeon (friend also) advise wait and see and had hospital staff advising (you guessed it).

OK..I was scared.  So my wife gets there and I catch her up on things and what I know and she gets pissed that I "didn't wait on her to form an opinion". 

Since that time we've had several different marriage counselings and at each one this issue gets brought up..understood and "forgiven".  Yet magically comes back years later.

So..yesterday, after not hearing about this for  years...that issue is brought up as proof "i'll do what I want and my wife doesn't matter, I'll find another woman as stand in"

I didn't engage but later asked/suggested that "D9 isn't an emergency, we have time to do this together"

Of course she disagreed...expressing there was no time?

Sigh.

Sorry...need to vent.  I haven't had to do "this" in a while and I'm kinda rusty...and really don't "want" to, but I know it's for the good of my family.

Best,

FF

[Enabler]

My W is a learner. She learns exactly how to do specific tasks. If things deviate from the set way she has learnt she doesn't have the improvising tools to adapt her knowledge to a changing circumstances. There are a lot of things that "don't work", because the nob is on the wrong side or the lever goes the other way to the other model. She likes rules that manage whether things are right or wrong. Academically she was successful at things she could learn and recite for. Free thinking subjects were not things she gravitated towards. Even her dissertation, we made up the results and fudged the data to agree with the conclusions she wanted... she got a 1st for that.

I am an understander. I have very vague knowledge about many things but adapt that knowledge to new situations... tends to mean I'm a bit of a blagger as well... as I might be doing here.

D11 is a learner. For her, things are very right or very wrong and she gets frustrated and engulfed when things are 'different'. I think it requires emotional control and calm to "think outside the box" and adapt knowledge to changing circumstances... maybe why the ADHD drugs were successful in giving your D some calm to allow her to 'think' more creatively and adapted her 'rules' to new situations. D11 fears getting things wrong.

D9 is an understander, she's always 5 steps ahead working out why things do what they do rather than getting bogged down in detail... when she is chilled... when she's not chilled she's like D11 and can't understand anything and it's like trying to explain quadratic equations to a dog. D9 doesn't care whether or not she gets things a bit wrong.

My point... emotional temperament of an individual (I believe) has a direct link into their ability to 'understand' things. Emotional engulfment short circuits ones ability to 'understand', however does allow us to follow instructions and memorise. A coping mechanism for not understanding things is to learn things, but learning is a very single dimensional way of seeing the world. I guess this makes sense in primordial thinking (fight / flight) way vs higher thinking. D11 is anxious by nature, D9 is cool as a cucumber.

Do you find that your D gets more and more engulfed the more she 'doesn't get it'? The times when she does get it are times when learning 'doesn't matter' and it's a bit meaningless.

Does your D care if she answers things incorrectly?



Enabler

 

[Baglady]

Hi FF,  

This is tough stuff for any parent let alone one with a BPD partner in the mix, you have my sympathies.

Just wanted to clarify that if you were to go the public school route and have them conduct a full evaluation, at the end of it all, you as parents have the absolute right to refuse special education services prior to starting them and even after they are provided to you and you might have second thoughts.  Parents always have the final say regarding the placement of their child in special education services or not.

I wasn't surprised at all to hear that your daughter has had a suspected bout of meningitis in the past.  The learning problems that you describe really point to difficulties in her processing abilities and ability to retain information in long term memory.  These are very consistent and common learning issues with a child who has had some kind of brain trauma or inflammation in the past.

A good psychologist (either school or private) would be able to run a robust battery of assessments that could narrow down your daughter's strengths and weaknesses in learning.

Warmly,
B

[kells76]

Just wanted to clarify that if you were to go the public school route and have them conduct a full evaluation, at the end of it all, you as parents have the absolute right to refuse special education services prior to starting them and even after they are provided to you and you might have second thoughts.  Parents always have the final say regarding the placement of their child in special education services or not.

Great clarification, Baglady -- that's what I was curious about.

[formflier]

Hey, sorry.  Different daughter about the illness.

Yes, we understand 100% right to refuse.

That being said, it's the same school system.  People talk. 

I'm sensitive to that, my wife is very sensitive to that.

Keep up the thread, this is all very helpful.

Best,

FF

[formflier]

Timeline

Really, I would like to have all data in place prior to end of school year.  Sooner is better, but I have time to "give my wife some space" (but not much).

Ideal would be to get evals in couple months and have a couple months to "try  new stuff" and see how it goes.

Best,

FF

[Baglady]

Hi FF,

It's definitely hard to come to terms with the fact that your daughter may be struggling in school and there's a real grieving process around that - I get it and I live it everyday with my parents.  I strive mightily to provide empathy and support through the process.

Yep - I also understand the strong desire to "keep a lid" on your daughter's struggles and any "stigma" that you may or not feel about having a child on an IEP.  I understand about the privacy issues (or lack thereof) regarding a student's learning struggles because it is a public school and there is a lot more visibility in this environment than say, if your daughter were to be home-schooled.  I'm really not sure how you get around this issue because parents are curious and talk with each other (even if they don't know the specifics due to confidentially).  I think you have to just become injured to the idea and rationalize that any needed extra services ultimately benefit your child. 

Also, keep in mind, while you may have a timeline in your head regarding an evaluation, the school district may also have their own timeline (although this varies from district to district).  My district tries to exhaust all available supports available to a student first prior to an evaluation - they want to have sufficient academic data in place to support a referral.  However, you do legally always have the right to request a meeting to discuss your concerns and your desire to have your child evaluated if not an evaluation itself.

How is your daughter coping with the situation?  Most of my struggling students are painfully aware when they are having challenges and when they are not able to keep up with their peers.  It is definitely a hit to their self-esteem one way or another.  Focusing on her strengths and building up her confidence about all the things that she does do well is a good way to go and hey, thanks to your wife's BPD, you have already developed some really excellent validation skills to help her 

Warmly,
B

[empath]

Just wanted to clarify that if you were to go the public school route and have them conduct a full evaluation, at the end of it all, you as parents have the absolute right to refuse special education services prior to starting them and even after they are provided to you and you might have second thoughts.  Parents always have the final say regarding the placement of their child in special education services or not.

I also wanted to add that the IEP process is generally a collaborative process including the parents is part of it. As the parent, you are ultimately in the driver seat and have to give permission for any services or accommodations.

As I mentioned before, all my kids had IEPs when they were young; they needed some extra support to be successful for a while. The older two are adults now, and they both are college grads. My son attended a prestigious college and completed 2 degrees. He still has some physical issues, but he just works with them. My older daughter also graduated, is employed full-time and will be getting married later this year.

The eval process is pretty involved, and a school has a time limit within which they have to have it completed. The time limit begins when the parent formally requests an eval. The underlying principle is to provide services in the least restrictive environment.

Personally, I've come to think of it as a way to provide extra support for kids to be successful in school. Sometimes, we all need extra help.

With the multiple roles that your family has with the school, I can understand your concerns. My son had an eval in his preschool years that I didn't think was valid. They decided that he had intellectual delays, so I didn't trust that school to provide the best environment for him. You as a parent need to trust that the eval is accurate.

[kells76]

So...my wife and I agree that the "path" she is on isn't working, yet my wife doesn't want to do evaluations, just do more individual instruction or homeschool.

Just out of curiosity... your W works outside of the home, right?

Who would homeschool D9?

There are a lot of ways that could look. For 6th grade I did most of my "homeschooling" at a friend's house via her mom. It was actually a good situation -- very calm environment.

I wonder if your W would actually pursue setting up homeschooling for D9? Or if it's more along the lines of "frustrated talk".