18 year old daughter with BPD

[LynnAnn]

We have an 18 year old daughter with BPD. She has been having issues since about 8th grade. She has been at several inpatient facilities, has seen several therapist  (they changed jobs) and continues with therapy.
 Ive been reading the book Stop Walking on Eggshells and I have really learned a lot. But what I cant seem to find is everyday solutions for situations as my daughter becomes older.
 We can help with situations at home and keep our home safe. After leaving the latest facility (she was suicidal) they told us the usual directions. After going through this so many times I know. Dont leave her alone for long periods (we honestly have done that in years) put away medications (we have a safe and all medication is always in there) take away razors, knives, etc.
 That is all great advice but it just skims the top. If we know the drill, dont you think our daughter does too?  No one says, check the garage? or what about phone charger cords or extension cords those are dangerous too?  Now that our daughter drives she can leave and do whatever she wants so what is putting away a paring knife at home really doing?
 We are a family that follows the rules we do what we are advised to do. We make sure our daughter attends therapy and takes her medicine. But it seems we are getting no where with therapy. Sure we have our good times, even weeks at a time. But the bad days and weeks are bad. 
 That just felt good getting that off my chest. I have a close cousin that knows everything we have gone through. That is it. My mother who recently passed had dementia. I never told her the struggles we were having with our daughter. Honestly I think most people on the outside have no idea what goes on in our house.
 
 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[twocrazycats]

Hi LynnAnn, welcome, and glad you posted here, although I'm sorry for the reason.

Have you had discussions with your daughter about her safety? How does she feel about it? My daughter just turned 19, was unofficially diagnosed about 6 months ago, but started showing signs around the time she was in 7th or 8th grade also. My daughter had one inpatient stay early on after both trying to jump out a window and and trying to grab pills out of the medicine cabinet. There were a few periods of months at a time after that, while she was in high school, when she said she felt like killing herself. But after talking with her, it became clear that she really didn't want to. It was just that on some level, she felt compelled to. And she was very depressed at that time. I did take away knives, etc. and didn't leave her alone for a while. But after that, I'd go away for a short time, and she would occasionally call me and say she "didn't feel safe" being alone. That she might do something she really didn't want to do, might hurt herself. At those times, I would come right back home.

Now my daughter lives at college much of the year. She calls me when she feels really depressed, and talking about it seems to help. Only one time she called and said she was at such a low point that she didn't want to live. I asked her if she wanted me to bring her home, she said yes, and I went to get her (my daughter doesn't drive). After one night at home, she was feeling better and I took her back.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that at 18, I think it's more about getting her in control of how she handles her feelings. If you take a knife away, she could get one somewhere else. Since she drives, you really can't control much of what she does. She could drive the car into another car or a wall if she really wanted to. Which is why I think having conversations with her about how to handle various situations would be more productive. If that's not possible, maybe considering changing medication or dose might be helpful?

My conversations with my daughter mostly center around me both validating her feelings, saying that I can tell she feels awful, saying that I know she sometimes feels things more than other people, but also saying that she's come through this before and that I'm confident she can do it again. 

You know your daughter best. With my daughter, I had to figure out, when was she saying this to get attention, when was using it against me, when did she really feel that she needed to kill herself, even though a part of her was fighting it, and when, if ever, was she really serious about taking her own life?

This is just so tough, and them turning 18 and being considered adults just adds another layer of difficulty. We are all here with you, supporting you.

2CC

[LynnAnn]

 Thank you for your response. I'm glad your daughter is doing well and able to attend college. Everything I have read says that an education is so vital to those suffering with BPD.
 Our daughter expresses interest in college but only wants to do online classes. Not always sure what she wants to do. We had talked about getting her signed up for spring classes. This next week is the last week to sign up and I am not sure she is in the state of mind or the right place now to do so.
 My gut tells me she needs to be more focused on therapy and learning how to deal with situations and problems better. We have been a little unhappy with the direction or lack of direction that therapy has taken. She only goes every other week and sometimes gets out early.  Psychiatrist had discussed changing meds a little at last appointment so we will talk about that this week and possibly switching therapist or really have a big discussion with the therapist about what is going on. I know our daughter doesn't like confrontation and she would rather switch therapist than work with this one to fix the problem. But its hard finding a good therapist and we live in a fairly smaller town so our options are limited unless we drive an hour or more.
 As far as her driving she only started driving in the last 6 months so that in itself has been a new thing. I do take the keys away when she is upset or things are not feeling right. But she does have a job and works quite a few hours so she drives herself to work. This last episode however she appeared to be leaving for work and didnt go.
 I think I am going to just make a list of the things that have happened recently and the concerns I have with the therapist and just go in the appointment with her and just go through them all and see what direction we go from there!
 Thank you for your response.