A Search for answers and guidance

[pmas56]

My 26 year old has not be diagnosed with BPD, but does exhibit the symptoms.  I fear my own strong personality has made the condition worse and I need to find ways I can be a better mother, remaining calm and learning to diffuse the situation.  We live over 5 hours apart and only see one another a few times each year.  Sadly, our times spent together are often filled with anger and emotional outbreaks.  I want to have a loving, meaningful and supportive relationship once again.

I sometimes feel as if all good memories have been erased of her childhood.  She only remembers bad times, yet there were so many good ones.  Most of the difficulties seemed to appear when college plans started and my suggestions and guidance were considered interference.  My husband paid all college expenses to prevent her from having student loans and now she views that as our way to control her.  Sadly, we are still providing financial assistance as she establishes her career, and while she desperately needs our assistance, it has also become the biggest thorn; as she sees it as our trying to control her.  We are in a no-win situation, and any conversations towards her becoming more independent often result in horrible arguments.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[livednlearned]

I fear my own strong personality has made the condition worse

Having the strength to say that will bode well for your relationship with D26 

I need to find ways I can be a better mother, remaining calm and learning to diffuse the situation.

Do you find you remain calm in most other relationships? No one can push my buttons like my stepdaughter (23). What I have learned here to help me stay grounded and calm has changed my life. Not just my relationship with SD23, but with everyone. You're in good company here. We walk together and try to learn and grow and develop specific communication and relationship skills.

any conversations towards her becoming more independent often result in horrible arguments.

People with BPD tend to experience profound anxiety about separation. Masterson, an expert on BPD, talks about the catastrophic feelings that separation can elicit in someone with BPD (which he calls abandonment depression). To avoid feeling those catastrophic feelings, a person with BPD is likely to act out.

Are you and your husband able to support one another? It's not uncommon for one spouse to have a different idea about boundaries than the other.

Glad you found the site. There's lots to learn here and wonderful people.