Don’t Know What Else To Do

[RedRuby]

My 30 year old son ,who is now living with me again, I strongly believe  has BPD, I’ve taken classes offered  thru NAMI, and currently almost finished reading “how to stop walking on eggshells” besides  researching whatever info I can find on BPD. I have been trying to put all the  valuable  info to use with my son. I listen to him with care concern and empathy when he’s expressing his feelings and concerns ,  I ask him questions etc. I also have an appt. to see a Behavioral Psychologist soon in regards to help & guide me and I cannot wait,,   I feel that I have been really trying ,however it’s getting extremely nerve wracking for me to be on the receiving end of his anger, and I am at my wits end knowing not only that I can’t continue like this I don’t want to anymore. I am expressing this tonite cause of his looking to bait me into a fight with him constantly and the mean and unkind things he says that I try not to take personally but also make me scared. Thanks for this message board,,

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Harri]

Hi RedRuby and welcome.  I am glad you found us but sorry for what brings you here.  You have found a safe place to share and work on things with other people who get it.

Being on the receiving end of a persons anger, especially a love one, is exhausting and draining and so painful. 

I am at my wits end knowing not only that I can’t continue like this I don’t want to anymore.

This is actually a powerful place to be in terms of changing things and working on things though I imagine it does not feel good. 

Post more when you can and share more as you feel able. 

We've got you.

[wendydarling]

Hi RubyRed

I join Harri, welcome to the forum.  

You are doing all the right things reaching out and learning, support is super critical. When do you see the behavioural psychologist?

What led to your son coming back home?

I'm glad you've joined us, you are not alone.  

WDx

[RedRuby]

Thank you for responding back, I will be seeing the Behavioral Psychologist this Wed.1/15/20,  I also just finished reading The  Essential Family Guide to BPD. Grateful for the info in the book. My son was on his own for the first time living 1,500 miles away  for 9 months, came back  then I told him to leave  after he got angry at me for saying that I smelled pot, and throwing a standup makeup mirror into my dresser bedroom mirror breaking it. He ended up in a decent shelter for about 6 months hurt his leg and they wanted him to go to another not so decent shelter because of his injury. No police or mental hospitals ever involved. The mom in me felt bad and told him to come back home. He’s been back 8 months and his Mr.Hyde started to come out little at first ,and as of lately I am seeing more of the intense Mr.Hyde. Incidents like I found the metal built in hamper door with lots of dents in it, told me my daughter who’s BiPolar (her story for another time) visited and either fell into it or kicked it, he claims he didn’t ask her, and other things that got broken when I wasn’t home.  His plan now is to leave again to go to another state to see if he can fit in there, and if not come back here , when he  tells me “can’t stand it here anymore.“ He repeatedly blames his negative feelings on all the bad work experiences in his life, letting people take advantage of him, family, friends ETC, I think he is high functioning BP.  He ‘s asking me to help him financially with this new move and I am willing to , however this time, I feel I have to tell him he cannot come back and he has to make the best of his choices. Only should I tell him before he goes or wait till he’s there.UGH! I understand that he needs the reassurance of knowing he can come back, however I  feel it time  to set the limits on how I am also able to live my life without feeling guilty most of the time. Any advice is appreciated.. Thanks again,,,

[Harri]

Hi RedRuby.

How did the visit with the Behavioral Psychologist go?

What sort of help are you talking about when you say you are willing to help him with his move?   Does he have a plan in place for when he does more (a place to stay, a job, etc)?  He may need some support (not necessarily more money) when he does move as often pwBPD do not have the skills to make these kinds of changes without it.

[RedRuby]

Hi RedRuby.

How did the visit with the Behavioral Psychologist go?

What sort of help are you talking about when you say you are willing to help him with his move?   Does he have a plan in place for when he does more (a place to stay, a job, etc)?  He may need some support (not necessarily more money) when he does move as often pwBPD do not have the skills to make these kinds of changes without it.

My 30 year old son ,who is now living with me again, I strongly believe  has BPD, I’ve taken classes offered  thru NAMI, and currently almost finished reading “how to stop walking on eggshells” besides  researching whatever info I can find on BPD. I have been trying to put all the  valuable  info to use with my son. I listen to him with care concern and empathy when he’s expressing his feelings and concerns ,  I ask him questions etc. I also have an appt. to see a Behavioral Psychologist soon in regards to help & guide me and I cannot wait,,   I feel that I have been really trying ,however it’s getting extremely nerve wracking for me to be on the receiving end of his anger, and I am at my wits end knowing not only that I can’t continue like this I don’t want to anymore. I am expressing this tonite cause of his looking to bait me into a fight with him constantly and the mean and unkind things he says that I try not to take personally but also make me scared. Thanks for this message board,,

[livednlearned]

You deserve to feel safe in your own home 

Was he able to bait you into a fight?

As far as telling him he can't move back in ... I understand why you feel it has to be said. Either way you tell him he is likely to respond with anger if that's how he typically expresses frustration and distress.

Right now is a raw time for both of you. You're ready for him to go and stay gone, and he's trying to gain independence (again) at age 30 after living at home with his mom. Maybe your therapist can help you with the timing, or give feedback on a letter to help you collect your values, thoughts, feelings, actions into a unified bundle that builds a stable foundation for your wishes, making it easier to say what is difficult to say (and do).

[RedRuby]

Hi ,I went to therapist 2x, so far hearing myself talk to him out loud and putting my thoughts to him expressing my concerns about my son, the therapist helping me to see where it can go in a more positive way. Example my son wanting to go and check out another state to MAYBE live there, and me being concern as to say hopefully once he goes, he should stay cuz this time it would be 3x he left  the therapist points out to me that my son was able to do it before live on his own, andYes I am now stronger that if he goes to tell him to stay and to remind him that he can do it. I  have told my son I would help him financially providing he is also financially helping himself putting towards his goals like moving.I notice he changes his mind from knowing he wants to leave to not sure where to go, but hating where he is now with me, I have been supportive of him in most of his endeavors and gently told him that .However as of yesterday I Had to leave my home  as he got very angry verbally abusive etc,because he asked me for money for a storage bill of his that he let go but finally remembered that he has important papers he left there and that’s all he wanted to get out but he will pay me back as always said in the past and never happens, so when I asked him calmly how he would pay me back about 500.00 storage bill ,it got him angry yelling verbally abusive Etc,  and again I heard how he’s been a victim of everyone’s mishap from school education ,to his work experience to current, he got very loud ,and started banging his head against the wall I didn’t say anything I walked into my room and when he went into the bathroom I left , I couldn’t get out of there fast enough I called into work sick,  and I am now staying somewhere else, and I am now staying somewhere else again he scares me and this time I got information about ,(I’m going to have to do whatever) though I don’t really want to contacting the mobile crisis unit because I just can’t live like this anymore I don’t know who my son is anymore,, and he needs help. As I am writing this I haven’t heard from him since yesterday morning and of coarse I am worried about him, thinking The worst, like him seriously hurting himself this time, which he hasn’t in the past ,because he really feels nobody cares, and he’s totally giving up ,or me finding something broken as I have in the past,,  I will play it by ear as I am still thinking this thru,,, Any input is always appreciated,, Thank you,