How do I get off this rollercoaster?

[Justexhausted]

   I’m married but currently separated from my husband who I’ve been convinced is both Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde for years now. The emotional, verbal, and sometimes physical abuse I have sustained over the last 4 years has driven me to depression, self-harm, and suicidal thoughts. I lost my identity for so long that I thought I would never bounce back. Through intense therapy, support groups, and a lot of prayer- I finally feel like myself again. This past year- By some miracle after being told I couldn’t have children, I ended up pregnant- 4 weeks after my husband and I finally cut ties and he had moved out. Of course- silly me- I took it as a “sign” that we were meant to be together again and somehow we could get back to that “us” I thought we had so long ago. After having a preemie baby born 3 months early and only weighing a pound, the true colors REEEAALLLY showed. His uncaring and “all about me” world came crashing down and he suddenly had to share it with a tiny person who needed 110% of our attention. He left me alone at home with a newborn hooked up to oxygen and monitors, unable to leave home, while he “worked overtime” and “visited family and friends” - rarely called or checked in, and never let me know when he’d be back. I went 20 days at home with NO reprieve with a new baby on a 3 hour feeding schedule and chronic medical needs. This exhausting few weeks finally led to a physical altercation which resulted in him slamming my hand in a door and amputating the end of my pointer finger. (I’m writing this now, 8 months since that incident and I can’t even believe that I’m considering that we work things out after all that has happened between us!) he moved out of the house immediately, only to try and return later which I did not allow for the safety of my son and for my sanity. He has since then  verbally and emotionally continued to abuse me, all the while using his manipulation to prey on my loneliness, fear of abandonment, and need for physical intimacy- which leaves me feeling used, stupid, and vulnerable EVERY SINGLE TIME. Don’t even get me started on my in laws who are sadly all mentally ill and have depression, suicidal ideation, various substance abuse/addictions, eating disorders, and/or panic and anxiety  disorders. They are always the #1 priority in my spouses life, always are chosen over my son or myself (although I learned I’d always have a back seat to them a long time ago) and naturally hate my guts for refusing to swallow the BS that I’m expected to eat. I find myself reminiscing about the “good ole days” although when I think really hard, there aren’t a lot of them behind us. I find myself doubting my every decision, being sucked back in to his charm and our (unfortunate) physical attraction to each other, and entertaining the idea of being a “family” again and trying to give my son some sense of “normalcy” by not breaking up our home. I guess my ultimate questions are how and (better yet) CAN you raise a child with someone who has BPD/narcissistic traits? Is co-parenting with someone like this even a reality? How can I seemingly hate and love someone like this at the same time? I have never posted to something like this before but i have worked hard at building my support system this year and surrounding myself with people who love and understand me. I’m halfway through Eggshells and feeling more validated than I have in my entire life. I’d love to read your stories too- I know we aren’t alone in this crazy life. I just don’t remember buying a ticket to the amusement park- much less strapping myself to this rollercoaster and I. WANT. OFF.

[ForeverDad]

You've been through very rough times, just now barely able to poke your head out of your foxhole.  Be assured things will get better.  It will take time but it will get better.  Others soon will join in and post their comments, suggestions, experiences, insights and strategies that worked for them.

How can I seemingly hate and love someone like this at the same time?

Understand that recovery from all this will be a process, not a single event.  Same with your distress over both hate and love regarding your abuser.  Give it time and your heart will catch up with your head.  Meanwhile, trust your gut.  If a path before you worries your gut, listen to it.  We here in peer support have more or less "been there, done that".  Over years we've accumulated perspectives, insights, skills, goals and strategies that generally work.  Feel free to ask us as incidents and worries pop up.  Yes, we're remote, but we are a valuable resource to be combined with your local support (trusted family and friends, experienced proactive lawyers and expert counselors to help you manage the crises sure to distress you in the near future.

Right now you have two priorities:  yourself and your child.  If you don't protect yourself, how can you protect your child?  As every air flight repeats, "Put on your own oxygen mask before helping others."

Have you read Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder by Bill Eddy?

[BrokenSpokane]

Oh my, thank you for sharing your story. I can certainly relate to elements of what you have gone through. Especially the self harm thoughts and feeling like you're going crazy.

Please, do what's best for yourself and child. If he isn't willing to change, seek help, then the situation will only get worse.

Personally, I continue to work with a therapist weekly. I share, I write, I read books and have zero contact with my uexBPD. It's been since September and I'm much better off than I was back then. It takes time. I do what I like to do. That's important in my recovery, for I lost myself when I was with her. Everything was about her, her needs, her wants and what she wants to do. I love myself today. I didn't before. That comes from within me. I used to try and validate that from giving to her (rarely received love).

So, please do what's best for you and your son. You decide what that is, but put that as priority number one.

[Justexhausted]

Thank you for your words of encouragement- I need them! I feel like there’s always a light at the end of this tunnel with him, and somehow I’ll finally be able to break free and get far far away. I honestly have even dreamed about that scenario and it always ends with him catching me and I’m screaming but my voice won’t come out. Dark- I know, I just honestly feel like that in real life too. We don’t even physically live together which has truly been the smartest decision (I thought) except now because I keep allowing him back into small areas of my life, I’ve made it easy for him to be a one night hook up when I’m lonely and a “convenience dad” by providing 99% of the care to our child so he can heroically pop in for a few hours and call that parenting.

I want to protect my son more than anything and while I do practice self care as much as possible and have incredibly supportive family, I would literally give my life to make sure that this kiddo never has to endure what I’ve gone through with my ex and his severely mentally ill family. Did I mention my ex also goes to the methadone clinic every day for a 10 year opiate addiction? That’s another topic for another day bc I want to know If others have experienced custody issues with that scenario. I fear the court system and I’m so broke I barely get by as it is so the thought of paying for lawyers scares the crap out of me. Do you find yourself looking back at that now and knowing it was all worth it?

I have not read that book- finding the freedom and validation I’ve felt from reading eggshells has been so overwhelming at times I’ve had to stop reading and take breaks bc it describes my life so accurately it’s scary at times!

[momtara]

Wow, so many of us have been through so much, and nothing I've been through compares to what you've been through. A preemie child, taking care of that child alone all while being physically and mentally abused. I know there is a temptation to just give in, and forget the abuse, or think maybe it wasn't that bad, or it was your fault. Nothing he did was normal or justified, and if he's capable already of what you said, it will only get worse. Do you have a restraining order against him? Are you and your son safe? I hope you can keep him out of both of your lives. I know there will be days when you think that you only exist for your child, but slowly you will get yourself back.

[momtara]

I wanted to add a few thoughts. It's hard to walk away from someone who (at times) is great and loving, then can be really awful. It does mess with your mind. But he should be nice to you and your son ALL the time, not just sometimes. If he's mentally ill, he could get treatment so that you are all better off - or he could live in denial. He's choosing the second one. If you think you need to try to coparent with him for a while, you can try, but ultimately I think you need to talk to lawyers and therapists about what to do sooner or later. If he hurt you physically like that, you can get a restraining order down the line, but you can't wait forever. It's not a great situation to be in, but I'd recommend just giving yourself credit for every small baby step, for every hour that you survive. If you want to just rest for a week and not think about all this, and you're all safe, then do so. Just quietly prepare for whatever the next step is. As for paying lawyers, they can give free consultations and you can post anonymously on avvo. I think you can begin secretly talking to people and figuring out your next step.

[ForeverDad]

To expand on momtara's comments, we understand you wavering back and forth in the relationship.  Sadly, when it comes to the Cluster B personality disorders (Borderline, Narcissistic, Antisocial, etc) it is too often necessary to completely cut the cord relationship-wise.  So it becomes that you share parenting of a child but that's it.  As for him making you feel you're going crazy, watch "Gaslight" (1944, American version).  A more recent movie, if memory serves me, is "Pacific Heights" where a tenant terrorizes a landlord couple with authorities not believing the couple.

[livednlearned]

He has since then  verbally and emotionally continued to abuse me, all the while using his manipulation to prey on my loneliness, fear of abandonment, and need for physical intimacy

Do you feel comfortable sharing the ways in which he preys on your loneliness and fear of abandonment?

It's tough to be alone.

How does your family feel about the relationship?

[KingofTexas37891]

It seems you guys have still personal animosities lingering. Every story has two sides of the coin. Have you tried to go with him to mediation to resolve your issues? He might tell you some things that worry him about you that you have never acknowledged.

It could be a faster way to get him to behave and do what you want.