Home page of BPDFamily.com, online relationship supportMember registration here
September 27, 2020, 05:33:22 PM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins: Harri, Once Removed
Senior Ambassadors: Cat Familiar, I Am Redeemed, Mutt, Turkish
  Help!   Groups   Please Donate Login to Post New?--Click here to register  
bing
Survey: How do you compare?
Adult Children Sensitivity
67% are highly sensitive
Romantic Break-ups
73% have five or more recycles
Physical Hitting
66% of members were hit
Depression Test
61% of members are moderate-severe
108
Pages: [1]   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: Postmortem on a Conversation  (Read 100 times)
Ray2017
**
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 90


« on: January 17, 2020, 09:47:49 AM »

I stepped in it pretty good today, and I am looking for a little bit of advice to dissect/analyze what I did wrong and practical steps/things to say next time (because there will be a next time).  The conversation, condensed:

(4 year old son wakes up with a fever/cough/congestion.  Was supposed to go on a fun play date, allowing H to have 5-7 hours of kid free time, which was subsequently cancelled)

Me:  I can tell that this is frustrating to you.  Why don't I take a half day off work so you can do something fun, and I'll go in the afternoon; a compromise of sorts?

Him:  There's no point.  This is what happens when I make plans/try to do the right thing (he wanted to get some OT at work). 

Me:  I truly don't mind, and my schedule is light enough that I can take the morning off.  Happy to do it!

Him:  I would feel too guilty that you would miss work.  I always have to be the one to compromise my schedule.  I've been blacklisted at work because I have a wife that works full time (*note: I work 24 hours/week - 3 days, and am very much home the other 4.  I haven't had a kid-free/husband-free day since 2011).

Me:  I am so sorry that you feel like you lost the promotion or are blacklisted at work because I work.  I do only work 24 hours a week, and those 24 hours are based on your schedule.  You can certainly do OT when I get home from work or overnight - whenever you want, I'm good with it!

Him:  I'm trying to do everything right and this is what I get for it.

(I am totally, completely triggered at this point, and I was in tears.  I do almost everything around the house, make sure he has lots of self-care time, time away from the kids, which I do more for the kids to limit the contact with his moods, but still.  To be told that he feels *I'm* the reason he lost out on the promotion was like a gut punch, even if it's probably not true)

Him:  See, now I'm the bad guy.  The universe is screwing me and now you're upset.

This is where I lose whatever thin grip I had on my self-control.  Though I didn't yell or raise my voice, I said I felt hurt that I couldn't show my emotions (crying), or be worried that something like our kid getting sick leading him to being angry for days (this last statement was the nail in my coffin, and yes, it was not good; it just slipped out).  He then rails about how much he does, how I don't listen to him; lots of accusations.  I have stopped crying at this point (at least in front of him) and mainly just listen and try to validate.  Then the guilt hits me - our little guy is down on the couch and I'm trying to placate someone I shouldn't even be having this conversation with.

He's texting me about how our daughter better not ask to do anything fun this afternoon or he'll "really lose it"; our son is acting fine now "of course", more about the universe out to get him, he has no friends, the greatest hits.  Before I left I apologized for making things worse.  I feel less triggered by his rage texts now that I'm not sitting with him, but they're still getting under my skin.  I am responding with validation, and SET if necessary. 

Side note: my therapist is helping me work on not taking things so personally (she is having my try to visualize taking the accusations he makes and place them in a box or container; she's big into visualization).  I tried (sort of), but the hit had already landed hard.

My problem is this:  I don't want the kids growing up feeling guilty that they're sick, or hurt, or whatever that inconveniences him, yet is really out of their control.  I know I can't and shouldn't care take his moods, but I am so worried when the kids are around him when he's like this.  That's why I offer to sacrifice everything - not necessarily for him (though it does benefit him), but for the kids.  That's my conundrum; how do I balance their needs with not turning myself into a pretzel and feeling like I have literally failed on every front (my kids are doomed emotionally, I'm not as good of an employee as I would like, and my H is still mad at me)?   

So, suggestions anyone?  Even 'you should have walked away a lot sooner' is fine.   
Logged
PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES
This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

Ozzie101
Ambassador
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 1693



« Reply #1 on: January 17, 2020, 10:44:48 AM »

Hi Ray! Welcome new member (click to insert in post)

I can't promise this will be fully accurate and I'm sure others will have other perspectives, but here goes:

It sounds like you tried to do some SET validation, which is good. However, after the first offer to take off for him, when he showed what kind of mood he was in, I would have dropped it. The self sacrifice offers may well have increased his feelings of inadequacy/guilt/shame. Not to mention making you look weak. I've learned that my conciliatory nature and giving in to avoid fights looks like weakness to my H -- something that can really scare a pwBPD. Much better if I stay firm and strong.

When he's dysregulating most likely isn't the best time to express that you feel hurt with being unable to express emotions. That's a conversation to have in a calm, balanced time and with careful communication.

I know how easy it is to get triggered by a loved one. It hit me big time! But I've been making a lot of progress lately. One thing I've done: I made a list of my triggers, the things I know that upset me. Seeing them, identifying them, helps me to avoid actually being triggered. If H hits on a sore spot, I can think "Ah. That's one of my trigger spots." It's easier for me to be detached. It also helps that my H admitted to me that he will deliberately say things to trigger other people to get an emotional response. So, basically, he tipped his hand and I can clearly see "Oop, there he goes! I'm not playing."
Logged
Ray2017
**
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 90


« Reply #2 on: January 17, 2020, 12:01:53 PM »

Thanks, Ozzie.  You're always there (for me and everyone else)!  I should make a list of my triggers (if I start now, perhaps I'll be done by the end of 2020  Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)).  You are absolutely right that I should offer once and then stop, and that it's a perceived weakness is an interesting insight.  I tend to over-offer because I'm just so worried about our little guy and being alone with him.  Of course, by making it worse this morning, I left our son with a more dysregulated parent.  I am a talker by nature, so a lot of these things slip out; it certainly wasn't the time to talk about my feelings, but my deep (deep!) resentment stems from the fact that it's never an okay time with him to discuss my feelings.  He views it (he's said this) as I'm competing with him as to who has it worse, which is not okay because he always has it worse (which, of course, is not my intention). 

Thanks again for the input - I'll have plenty of opportunities to put them into practice.  Off to make my list!
Logged
Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2020?

Pages: [1]   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Our 2020 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
40days_in_desert
Ahquei3s
alphabeta
Amethyste
Angie59
ArtistGuy70
AskingWhy
assumezero
At Bay
Avanzando
Baglady
Beneck
bigredneck
Bittlecat
Boll Weevil
calmboom
Cat Familiar
Chosen
Dnmtnbkr
drained1996
Eggshellsbroken
FaintTheGoat
FaithHopeLove
FindingMe2011
Forgiveness
freespirit
GaGrl
ggGreg
Gift to Myself
gotbushels
Harri
hopeandchoices
I Am Redeemed
Imatter33
Jazzy48
jdc
jones54
Jonthan
Katrinalove
Kwamina
l8kgrl
LLgreen
Longterm
lorymac
lovenature
loyalwife
lucidone
Manifest32f
MariannaR
Meridius
Methuen
mgirl
Minttea
Mommydoc
Mutt
narcdaughter2
needPeace
NorseWoman
Notgoneyet
oceanheart
oftentimes
Omega1
once removed
Only Human
otherlife
palynne
PeacefulMom
Pedro
pest947
podsnapG
ProudDad12
pursuingJoy
Radcliff
Raul
Recycle
Resiliant
Rev
Rosheger
Sad4Her
SamwizeGamgee
Sandalwood
SBBayArea
SCM
SerendipityChild
SES
Silverhope
Skip
songbirdtwo
StillStuck
Swimmy55
Teno
townhouse
truthbeknown
turtleengine501
Ventak
vinnie77
Violet00
wavewatcher
wendydarling
WhatJustHappened?
Whichwayisup
whirlpoollife
Wicker Man
WindofChange
worn_out
WTL
zachira
zaqsert

Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2006-2020, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!