exBPD breakup : I need help

[MedioMan]

Hey everyone. First off, sorry for my English, I am not a native speaker.

This is the first time I post on this forum. In fact, this is the first time I post anywhere about an ex, at all. The thing is, I have been through several breakups, including one serious relationship (5 years, we were speaking about getting married), but I have never felt so awful as for this one, after only 3/4 months of relationship. I really need to share this.

I would like to thank everyone here, reading about your stories and your experience is greatly helping me (slowly) getting out of the FOG.

An important premise: my ex was not diagnosed with BPD, but she's been seeing a therapist for quite some time and, thinking about her behaviors, I can see many red flags/patterns that could be due to BPD traits. My therapist also agrees with my view. I would also value your feedback on these impressions, as, like most of us, I still feel a big sentiment of shame and guilt, to the point that I have sometime the feeling that I am projecting a PD on someone only to justify myself for not being able to make it work with them.

I will try to be brief, but I also want to give enough details about the story for you to be able to tell me your impressions:

I met my ex (27y/o, I'm 30) in May, during a trip. We are both Italian, but I am leaving abroad. She flirted with my and the friend with whom I was traveling, and then I got back in touch once back home. I probably never felt this level of attraction for a woman before, both physical and intellectual. We keep texting for a while, and she soon initiated phone sex (which I had tried only once before). We chatted every day and called almost every evening, we were working like charm. Passion, interests, sensitivity, she really felt too good to be true. I never had such a passionate relationship before, and it was only by phone!

After a few weeks, we decided to meet again so a caught a flight. The weekend together was amazing, car trips, dinners, sex...but after our first 36h spent together, when we were still starting to know each other, she goes straight "I love you". I was honestly intimidated by such a rush, and I decided to keep things easy by saying that, since we didn't have the chance to actually spend time together (she was working a resort 6d/w), I would have preferred not to commit so soon, and to give us time at the end of the season. So I invited her to come to my place in October, for a week (I was still June). In the meantime, I didn't feel like having a committed, exclusive relationship after such a short time spent together but I made clear that I was crazy about her and really interested. (Now I regret being so honest, but I have been single for 2 years and I needed time to figure myself out in a new relationship. Also, I didn't want to lie and hurt her.)

In the following weeks, the first signs started to show up, and she became suddenly extremely needy and clingy. One weekend I was at a festival with a friend and didn't text her for the whole evening, she started to ask questions. Few days later, my grandfather passed away. I was not very responsive online and she asked if something was wrong. I told her about my personal situation and she showed no empathy about it, only saying "if there is something wrong with me please let me know". In the meantime, we were spending most of the time mainly talking about her problems at work and sex. She said she was "surprised" by how much she enjoyed it with me, since during her last relationships she wasn't really happy about it.

In the following weeks, she came visiting for one day (beginning of July) while I was back home for my grandfather's funeral. We had a good time, even though she could not stop kissing me the whole evening, which I found a bit of a weird, childish attitude. Before leaving, she put up a bug drama about our story "not growing" and her "not feeling my love". We talked it through and she got calm, but since then I had to continuously reassure her about my feelings.

We spent three more weeks like this. Everything was fine, but she would call crying and ask if I was thinking about her/missing her on a weekly basis, and complaining to me for not calling her often enough (in this period, we exchanged about 150 texts a day, and 2-3 phone calls a week). Once I even told her "I can't wait to spend some time with you at the end of the season, you can stay even two weeks if you want". She starts crying and yelling "don't YOU want it?". Each of these conversations were a pure WTF moment for me, totally surprising, unexpected and overly dramatic.

When I went back to visit her (end of July), I landed late and joined her in a flat she rented. After kissing and sex, three weeks after seeing each other for the last time, she looked into my eyes and said "you are a stranger to me". How dramatic is that? We had in those days very deep conversations about our families, eye xes (about whom she was particularly interested), her recent exes (which apparently she left because they were "too much in love with her"). After another perfect weekend, right before going back to my flight, I asked her if there was something else she wanted to tell me. At these words, she jumps on the bed, crying with her face in the pillow, repeating that she wasn't feeling my love for her and that she was feeling heartbroken for this unrequited love. Also, she told me sighing that she had slept with a colleague, a friend for which she cared, and that was MY fault because I "created her a need" and that she would have never done it if I didn't say clearly that I wasn't ready to commit. She said she was feeling like crap  and didn't want it to happen again. I went nervous for a moment, since we decided, in case, not to tell each other this things, as long as they were not affecting our relationship and the plan to meet at the end of the summer. Then I had to comfort her, I even felt guilty, recognizing some responsibility in her pain, and I confessed I also had a ONS, but that it was totally meaningless for me, and it won't happen again. She said she really wanted me and to go on with our story, that it was worth the effort for her. She seemed to really mean it. She also said "if you didn't have any doubt, I would be terrified".

After that and two more flawless weeks, in August, the real craziness started out of the blue. She gave me the silence treatment, replying 2-3 time a day to my texts, saying that "something was broken". "You shouldn't call me love if you don't love me, you shouldn't say that you really want to see me if you're not getting a flight in the next month". She would say one day that all she could think about was me, and the next shaming me for everything: not willing to commit, only calling her when I was bored, only looking for her for sex (although she would send me nudes nearly every day, without me asking). These inconsistencies totally broke me down, I didn't know what to do and felt completely nuts and confused. In fact, I still am when I try to understand this phase. She would say very hurtful stuff such as "he (the other guy) makes me feel happy", "you could have done very little, very short time ago to make me stay", "my ex was also insecure". The next day, I was the love of her life.
When I asked if this attitude was related to the other person, she bursted into tears screaming "I don't deserve this!" and hanged up her phone.
She even sent me a breakup sms, only to call me the following day saying that she did it because she didn't want me to hurt for her behavior.
After a month like this, while she was still seeing this other person, I gave up and broke up with her. We were both crying, we both said that we never felt that chemistry before.

Two weeks later, for my birthday, she didn't even text. I later sent her some very emotional letters that I had been writing around the breakup time, to honestly state my feelings, my impressions, and my will to try to make things work again, given the great perspectives of us and the reasons of the split (which I still consider, on her side, futile). She replied after three weeks by text, saying, without any reasonable closure, that I was "the right one in the wrong moment", and "love is like poker, and she invested in me but I didn't call her bet". She also recommended me to check Matthew Hussey's (a ridiculous online dating advisor) IG page to explain what went wrong between us. I went NC since then.

After a few weeks, she started for some time liking my posts on social media. In October, she went for a trip with her replacement with whom she moved in, one month later. Now they're happily living together in the opposite side of the country, and she seems extremely happy with him, and willing to show it online. For the sake of brevity, I won't go in details about how much this guy is totally different from me, but I would say, with all the due respect, the opposite of the common idea of "attractiveness". I still can't believe someone could go from obsessing with you to completely devaluing and replacing you in two weeks.

Now, you probably know the story. I've been in therapy for the last two months, feeling totally shattered, humiliated, guilty, and unworthy of love. Sometimes I still feel that, if had just tried a bit harder, I could have make it work and we could be happy together. I feel a massive sense of waste, for not trying hard enough, both of us. I gave up with the idea of taking her back and, honestly, re-reading this post, it would be nuts to still even considering it. What kills me is that I still try to understand her, somehow, and I can't make sense of anything. So I get to the conclusion that something must be wrong with ME. I feel bad, inadequate, insecure and scarred like never before for a girl, and I've been keeping this heartbroken teenage attitude for such a long time that I hardly recognize myself. I am not like this, I am normally quite a strong and resolute person.

Any comments are appreciated, thank you very much

[hope2727]

Welcome and I am so sorry for your struggle. There are great people and lessons here. Keep reading and keep posting. Many people here have experienced similar relationships and can offer support. 

[Rev]

[quote author=MedioMan link=topic=342534.msg13097955#msg13097955 date=1580083601


I would like to thank everyone here, reading about your stories and your experience is greatly helping me (slowly) getting out of the FOG.

Any comments are appreciated, thank you very much
[/quote]

Hello and welcome ….

I am really sorry that this has happened to you and that you are suffering.  Being with a pw BPD can be like contracting a computer virus - which is what seems to have happened to you.

Interesting thing for you to know is that the way your relationship started is pretty typical.  Mine told me "I love you" after two weeks on the phone and... I bought it.

You are still in the FOG because you are focussing on how all of this made you feel - at least that is what is sounds like to you. Until you understand what buttons she pushed exactly - it will be difficult to move forward.  But count yourself lucky in one sense - you never got to the point that she began to abuse you. Many people here, both men and women, have been degraded, both emotionally and physically. I say this to give you hope in the sense that if you keep digging, you may be able to step out of this relatively soon.

My sense is that projecting of PD on to other women may come from the fact that you are really not sure how she got hooked into you so quickly.

In my case, I really needed to retrain my brain for several months and it is only now after all that work that I am starting to understand where my defenses were weak - where my own issues came to play.

Can you say more about what kind of person you are , how you grew up, what kind of parents you have - what was your family life like.

And I have a challenge to offer you - see this experience as a deep cleaning for your soul. You are young and have a whole life ahead of you. Learn your lessons now and you have many years of happiness ahead of you.

Rev

[MedioMan]

Hi Rev, thanks for your reply

Interesting thing for you to know is that the way your relationship started is pretty typical.  Mine told me "I love you" after two weeks on the phone and... I bought it.

I keep reading this and I realize this behaviour belongs to a disturb but I still feel deceived and manipulated. I don't know what to do about it.

But count yourself lucky in one sense - you never got to the point that she began to abuse you. Many people here, both men and women, have been degraded, both emotionally and physically. I say this to give you hope in the sense that if you keep digging, you may be able to step out of this relatively soon.

I agree with you, being in a long distance thing I didn't go through a lot of the abuse I see here in the forum.
On the other hand, and this might be due to personal luck, I never had anyone treating me like this girl did, especially after begging for my love and attention (which, in her view, I wasn't providing) for three months. My therapist says I've been emotionally blackmailed ("if you don't call me every evening I will stop being in love with you") and psychologically abused (see the few sentences I report above). Therefore the trauma. Again, I understand that this is not the same order of magnitude of a divorce with children, a RO or ghosting. But it still hurts like hell to hear something like that from someone you honestly care for, when you're trying to fix things. It might be that I can't bare the idea of hurting someone I love, and she blamed me continuously of hurting her.

My sense is that projecting of PD on to other women may come from the fact that you are really not sure how she got hooked into you so quickly.

I am not speaking about other women, I am speaking about her: since I am not sure she's BPD, sometimes I feel like I am finding excuses not to take responsibilities.

Can you say more about what kind of person you are , how you grew up, what kind of parents you have - what was your family life like.

I grew up with divorced parents and a depressive mother (I have been through depression myself). I never had the impression I was somehow codependent in my relationships, and also in this one, I did not suffer anxiety or abandonment fears (before she vanished overnight), but I was mostly confused. I might have narcissistic traits, I came to realize lately, probably due the great expectations and pressure my family put on me. That's why I probably tend to be "as good, as perfect as possible" all the time, and I am normally a loving and caring person towards close people. On the other hand, I have a very hard time accepting failure as it is, and that's how this story feels. A big failure on my side, and a big waste of a rare perspective.

[Rev]

Hi Rev, thanks for your reply

I keep reading this and I realize this behaviour belongs to a disturb but I still feel deceived and manipulated. I don't know what to do about it.

I agree with you, being in a long distance thing I didn't go through a lot of the abuse I see here in the forum.
On the other hand, and this might be due to personal luck, I never had anyone treating me like this girl did, especially after begging for my love and attention (which, in her view, I wasn't providing) for three months. My therapist says I've been emotionally blackmailed ("if you don't call me every evening I will stop being in love with you") and psychologically abused (see the few sentences I report above). Therefore the trauma. Again, I understand that this is not the same order of magnitude of a divorce with children, a RO or ghosting. But it still hurts like hell to hear something like that from someone you honestly care for, when you're trying to fix things. It might be that I can't bare the idea of hurting someone I love, and she blamed me continuously of hurting her.

I am not speaking about other women, I am speaking about her: since I am not sure she's BPD, sometimes I feel like I am finding excuses not to take responsibilities.

I grew up with divorced parents and a depressive mother (I have been through depression myself). I never had the impression I was somehow codependent in my relationships, and also in this one, I did not suffer anxiety or abandonment fears (before she vanished overnight), but I was mostly confused. I might have narcissistic traits, I came to realize lately, probably due the great expectations and pressure my family put on me. That's why I probably tend to be "as good, as perfect as possible" all the time, and I am normally a loving and caring person towards close people. On the other hand, I have a very hard time accepting failure as it is, and that's how this story feels. A big failure on my side, and a big waste of a rare perspective.

I am not speaking about other women, I am speaking about her: since I am not sure she's BPD, sometimes I feel like I am finding excuses not to take responsibilities.

I hear what you are saying - and this is the root of what is hooking you.  Part of the retraining your brain will involve setting boundaries - she is responsible for her behavior - full stop - you are responsible for yours - full stop. So for example, in the case where my ex tells me that I she is in love with me on the phone (and this was only the first of many, many red flags I saw and ignored) - that was clearly disturbed.  That I chose to buy in to that, is not healthy either. My task is to see her behavior for what it is - without emotion - and ask myself - why did is respond the way I did - without emotion.

You say here that you don't want to blame her - well that is fair - because there may be lots of reasons for why she is the way she is. These are not your fault. Nor may they be her "fault" either. But to lie and manipulate you - that is a conscious choice that she made on some level. That is hers to own and you have every right to "blame" her for making that choice.  Your path forward here is to learn from this (hurts I know - we're all feeling the pain of facing our weaknesses - so be kind to yourself).

You say that you are working with your therapist on your own personality issues.  So I would encourage you to keep at that until you will see that you in fact see the world in a different way.  In so much of my work with people now (I am a counselor and pastor) I see so many people fall prey to people with such strong emotional needs.  I was embarrassed to admit that it happened to me - and my ex is also a pastor in the same network of churches - imagine the shame.

But it happened and I enabled the abuse.  It wasn't good for me and it wasn't good for her kids and it wasn't good for her.

Today, whether or not she decides to get help is up to her. And I can't control that. But I have worked hard at facing the pain of my weak spots. Every day it is still a challenge (We broke up 8 months ago) but every day it gets easier - because I know more - both emotionally and rationally. 

It hurts now but you will see... you will soar one day into a new understanding of what it means to be human.

Prayers for peace on their way for you.

Rev