stay or go

[commongarden]

I am in a romantic partnership with someone I love a great deal. We have been in a relationship for nearly 2 years. We have taken it very, very slow. That is what he wanted.  He is very kind but I am certain he has BPD.  Its a complicated story.  Though we have never said we are "exclusive," to my knowledge, neither of us has dated anyone else. I am slightly over 60 and he is just approaching,  so neither of us are youngsters. 

He does seem to go through a devaluing stage with me and doesn't call for a couple of weeks.  This seems cyclical and occurs about every 3 months.  There are many other signs as well.  He has gotten very jealous when he thinks my attentions have been on someone else--though I would never do that.
What is the best way to respond to someone who devalues you? He says he just likes to be alone...but it always occurs after we have gotten very close and told each other we love one another.

Though he admits to something being "different," about him, I haven't pressed. I don't know how to bring up that I think he may have BPD. 

I believe that everyone deserves a chance and that we all look at the world differently.  He has told me he went to therapy for over a year in the past.  When I asked him why, he said that his ex-wife told him he had a problem.

I have abandonment issues myself but have worked on them through therapy.  I know that when he doesn't reach out that it is not my fault. I do worry that he won't come back sometimes. 

I would love someone's advise.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Harri]

Hi common garden and welcome to the board!

I can relate to struggling with feelings of abandonment and had a hard time with it when my ex would retreat without a word after we had been particularly close.  He would turn it around and say that I was too clingy and I think in some ways I was.  I also think that our closeness triggered his own fears of engulfment and abandonment which can work together to make things very confusing for everyone.  Anyway, I am glad you got help and know it is not your fault that he retreats.  It can still hurt though.

How do you respond when he does not contact you for a couple of weeks?  Do you ever talk about it with him?  What other sort of behaviors does he have that are problematic and how do you respond to them?  Sometimes we can change the way we respond and that can help us and in turn sometimes that can help the relationship as a while.

I hope to hear more from you soon.

Again

[Mutt]

Hi commongarden,  

What is the best way to respond to someone who devalues you? He says he just likes to be alone...but it always occurs after we have gotten very close and told each other we love one another.

 I want to echo Harri, the lashing out is because he is feeling engulfed there's an excellent article here:

BEHAVIORS: Fear of engulfment

You see the pattern he starts devaluing you when the r/s is intimate, you have that to your advantage. I understand that it's not easy because it's something that I'm currently dealing with in a r/s usually I start to give my gf space then she starts to complain about the space but I know that if I keep pressing she'll just push further so the space is a necessity in the r/s.

[commongarden]

Thank you so much for your reply Harri and Mutt--I am struggling in learning how to navigate the site but will get used to it. 

We have talked about when he leaves.  Though I know it is a fear of the enmeshment and engulfed, it sometimes feels like he may be going into a depressive state.   Because we have talked about it, he was able to say, "You may not hear from me for a while as I feel like I need to concentrate on work right now." I believe that I mentioned I believe he is a high-functioning BPD.  He has a very stressful job and he is often required to present to large groups of people. I have noticed, and he says he has tremendous anxiety over public speaking.  When he knows this is coming, he also shuts down and doesn't communicate.

Beyond his withdrawals, his other problematic behaviors include a somewhat black and white way of thinking.  He just can't seem to see another's point of view.  I have found when that happens, I simply let it go.  Most of the time it just isn't important.  I feel like he gets to think what he wants to think.

He also accuses me of being flirtatious or encouraging men when it has just been a business interaction.  Again, I blow it off realizing that is just part of his insecurity.  I don't take it personally as I feel like I know who I am.

The biggest issue is he has not officially divorced. He has been separated from his wife for 5 years. They have a child together and remain "friends."  I sometimes believe that she is his "favorite" person.  I don't believe he has a romantic connection with her.   Though he is a successful individual, he seems dependent on her to manage his finances. 

Of course, my fear is that he will never divorce her and I am just wasting my time.  He has told me many times that he loves me and that he is going to divorce her.  They own multiple real-estate properties together.  One has been in his family for a very long time, so there is a great deal of emotional attachment.

He says that it takes a great deal of time for him to trust someone and that is why our relationship moves so slowly.   

I guess my overall questions are, is it responsible on my part to trust a person with BPD and will I just end up being permanently devalued? 

[Mutt]

He says that it takes a great deal of time for him to trust someone and that is why our relationship moves so slowly. 

It's been 5 years.

You sound like you don't push back and you don't trigger shame with him but there are external things that are stressors and a pwBPD do not handle stress well at all they take it out on the people that are closest to them because they are the most tempered, unless he decides to get help for himself and address his issues, things are not going to change on his end.