Leaving letter for BPD spouse

[miavn]

Hello, I haven't been here in some time. I'm back because I'm moving out tomorrow, my wife has BPD. I'm pretty prepared, but can't remember what I've read about the letter/email I will leave her. Any suggestions welcome.
Our son is 18,daughter 15.
Thanks,
Charles

[CoherentMoose]

Oh wow, good luck.  There are several posts in here concerning what to say when leaving.  In general, use the BIFF technique and keep it short, simple, to the point.  Avoid apologizing or admitting any faults, just that you have made the decision to separate.  Assume anything you say can and will be used against you.  Good luck. jdc

[ForeverDad]

Avoid apologizing or admitting any faults, just that you have made the decision to separate.  Assume anything you say can and will be used against you.

This is important advice.  We Nice Guys and Nice Gals are too prone to drift into explaining what happened and is happening.  When dealing with contentious spouses, almost anything we say, write or do will probably be transformed/twisted into bad intent or bad behavior.

The reason not to apologize is that it could be morphed so you appear to have guilt about something.  You don't want something the size of a grain of sand get blown up into some huge incident.  If you have to say you're sorry about something, limit topic to being sorry how ex feels, not actual responsibility for some event.

[MeandThee29]

Bill Eddy's BIFF technique is so powerful.

Less is more, always. As hard as that is, you are entering the world where your relationship is going to become a mostly a business transaction. It took me months of my lawyer telling me that and calming me down to step back and focus on the settlement. I had to focus on my future, not what the other side was doing (or not doing).

A friend of mine stapled her attorney's business card to a piece of paper with a note that her attorney would be in touch. That was a little extreme, LOL.

Of course with a 15 y.o. you will have some custody issues, but likely your child will have some say in that. It is also a short-term issue, not long-term like those with little ones.

[zachira]

Others have given some really good feedback. Bill Eddy has written some great books and articles on dealing with people with BPD. I have several family members both in my immediate family and extended family with BPD. It is so normal to want to express our feelings and give feedback to the people we are close to. In my experience, it is important to be very protective about sharing how you feel and think when around a person with BPD because whatever you say or do will likely be twisted and used against you. The less you interact with a person with BPD the better, as this gives them the chance to find new targets for their emotional dysregulation that aren't you. Hope things will be looking up for you soon.

[Waddams]

I wouldn't leave a letter, especially if there aren't any kids involved. Just move out, make sure you get all the stuff you want/need, make sure you take enough of the "marital estate" $$$$ that you get your fair share because she's gonna take it all and hide what you don't take first thing once your gone. Heck, take it all, hold it in escrow, and make sure it's subject to fair distribution in the divorce that way.

Let the process server be the one that delivers the first written correspondence to her when she's served the divorce paperwork.

After the h*! that a pwBPD puts their spouse through, they don't deserve the courtesy of a letter or other closure. Go into silent mode and taking possession/control of as much as you can on your way out the door. Just responsibly hold assets, don't waste them, declare them in the financial discovery, and don't try to hide them. Then, holding those cards becomes stronger negotiating position in the divorce. You need to focus on protecting yourself and your assets in as strong a manner as possible, not leaving letters and what not.

[ForeverDad]

Closure... if that is part of the reason for a letter, don't write for that.  You most likely won't get closure from an acting-out disordered partner, probably flame-out.  The Blame Shifting and Denial of fault or responsibility is that great.

Rather, Gift yourself Closure.  However you wish, but not involving the ex.

[livednlearned]

I'm moving out tomorrow, my wife has BPD

How'd it go?

You ok?

[MeandThee29]

How'd it go?

You ok?

Agreed. Thinking of you.