Reunification Therapy?

[dt9000]

We finally started court ordered reunification therapy after my BPDex objected, the drug her feet, stalled, etc for the last 2.5 months. Only when threatened with contempt of a court order did she schedule an appt with the family counselor. Ugh.

Anyway things are underway and I hope this process will help begin to repair my relationship with my children after BPDex alienated them from me. (It was important step for the court to realize that they were being alienated.)

I don't know what to expect at this point. I have not seen my children since last June. Has anyone been through reunification therapy? How did it go and any insight to share?

dt9000

[Sluggo]

Dt9k,

I wish you luck and sure super excited to see them.    

There was a lot of damage done with my kids.  The oldest were the most damaged by the alienation.  Still almost no contact with them and a lot of contempt for me.  They were 16 and 14 when I left (4 yrs ago)   .they only showed up 1 time for therapy.  
(All kids now 4 yrs older than ages listed in post)
The 11 and 9 year old are now finally getting better after 4 years.  

The 7 and younger kids were fine from the beginning.  

I guess my advice is keep expectations very low depending on ages.  

My relationship only get better with the 11 and 9 year old after they lived with me full time (all the time) after xwife gave up custody.  She only requested to see them 30 days in summer.  So I have had them since August 2019 with no interruptions.  

I read everything and watched everything I could on Dr childrens.  His book foundations was great.  It kept me from taking things so personally.  
www.dr-childress-index.droppages.com/#videos-tab

Also love this guy... Ryan Thomas speaks
helped me understand how the kids feel.  He was an alienated  child now adult.   Many videos...
here is one.   https://youtu.be/rE_Ex5v8x0g

[CoherentMoose]

If you haven't already done so, consider reading ju-jitsu Prenting by Dr. Criag Childress (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=320051.0).  Good luck. jdc

[dt9000]

Sluggo and jdc, thank you for the replies. I have read some of Dr. Childress work and it has been very helpful in understanding alienation and people with borderline/narcissistic traits.

Sluggo, I am indeed excited about the opportunity to see my children again; although I'm trying to temper my expectations as much as possible. It seems like such a long road and this is unfolding so slowly.

dt9000

[Panda39]

Hi dt9000,

My partner was alienated from his daughters the worse happening during the 2 years of their separation/divorce process.  His daughters were 11 & 15 when he and his uBPDxw separated.  Like Sluggo things improved once he was able to see the kids more.  When the divorce was final my partner had M-F and 1 weekend and his ex had 3 weekends.

Even with the custody change there was definitely tension, and awkwardness in the beginning.  It was slow re-connecting and trusting, but it grew over time and in our case we had help from their mom who eventually turned her dysfunction on her kids.  2015 both girls voted with their feet and moved in with dad full time.  D23 is no contact with her mom and  D19 is low contact. 

My partner and his daughters call that period, "the dark times".  It was tough on all of them.

Wishing you well, so glad you will be seeing your kids soon!  Just be you, keep your expectations under control, and know that things will take time to undo. 

Panda39

[Waddams]

I would recommend to keep it light and brief at first. Consider it like making friends with skittish dog or cat. If you chase, pursue, and try to push it on them, they just run away and stay skittish. If you chill, let them be, let them get comfortable on their own, and let them come to you on their own terms, they eventually end up coming out of hiding, and laying around in sight, then get closer and come sniff you some, then eventually end up snuggled up in your lap, happy and content.

Be patient, don't talk smack about their mom, let them learn their mom's lies and what not aren't true on their own by their own experience over time. If the subject of their mom comes up, just say "that's not important, all that's important is what's between us now."

Oh, and if there is anything genuine to make amends for, do it. Example - I know a guy that divorced after catching his wife in the act with her affair partner. He lost it, jumped in, beat the guy up, and in the commotion, his wife tried to get in the middle and break it up. She caught a right hook in the process. Big face bruise, knocked silly, etc. The commotion drew the attention of his daughter, who came in time to see mom get clocked. She's now scared of her dad and hasn't seen her dad in 2 years. There's more, there's alienation, and other issues at play, he did a few other things wrong after as well, and the guy beats himself up now and just prays for the chance to make amends for what he genuinely did wrong.

I'm on another board, there's a member who was NC with his son, but was able to slowly establish a new relationship that is now better than ever with his son. It took patience, keeping his composure and not acting out when things went wrong, when his son did and said things that were still rooted in the alienation, etc. He let his son slowly learn the truth, he let his son be wrong, and let his son come back to him when he was ready. They are reported better than ever now, and the son has even distanced himself from his mother to the extent needed to have his own healthy boundaries with her after realizing what she was doing to him.

So...all that to say and summarize with...be patient, stay composed, let the kids be wrong when they act out, don't try to correct them. Don't force it. Let them learn on their own and come back at their own speed. The worst part is initially going to be wanting more from them than you're gonna get. You're gonna have to have iron clad composure and a self-care means to healthily blow off that steam.

[livednlearned]

We finally started court ordered reunification therapy

Can you say more about what is involved in your reunification therapy?

Has the therapist met with you to describe the process and what happens next, what to expect, how things are structured, etc?

[dt9000]

Can you say more about what is involved in your reunification therapy?

Has the therapist met with you to describe the process and what happens next, what to expect, how things are structured, etc?

The therapy is through a private therapist that will provide reports back to the court regarding compliance by both parents and updates on progress, or lack of progress.

The therapist met individually with myself and BPDex and will be meeting with our children over a period of time (the T mentioned a few months). The children and I will then exchange letters in preparation for therapy sessions with myself and each of my children.