First post in a while -- Things were going well until they don't...

[MayorMcCheesey]

It's been a while since I've checked out this board, and to be honest the first time in a while that I'm realizing again my wife has Ubpd...  Things were actually going well and tolerable in our lives, there was balance and structure... but just like that things went down hill quick.  I feel like I am to blame because I'm handling her attacks poorly and have lost touch with this great site and board with helpful tools and support. But at the same time I cant excuse her behavior.

Right around the holidays the arguments started to flair up, and for the life of me they're usually about nothing and then turn into just a bigger tit for tat fight and an airing of grievances.  To the point it exhausts me and I want to run from her and the situation and conflict.  During one such go arounds she called me a 'broke ass loser', it was enough for me so I decided I was leaving for the day. She physically tried to stop me clawing me and blocking the bedroom doorway and then down the hall.  I'm about a foot taller than my wife and 150lbs heavier than her, I literally put my hands fully up in the air and slowly tried to squeeze and slide my way down the wall as shes pushing and clawing at me. As I get to the stairs, I have my back to the steps and she tries grabbing my cell phone out of my hands, I resisted and locked my fingers around the found and she's screaming in rage and pulling on my hands and phone(which is provided and payed for by work); she lets go from pulling and falls backwards 4 steps into a hamper and windowsill, I almost fall backward down the flight of stairs. She starts claiming I shoved her into the window... and to get away from her and locks herself in our bedroom, she still brings this up from time to time during arguments.  It worries me if things ever really go down hill that what else she might make up. 

My Udpd wife recently was fired from her job, I can't be sure of the whole story but it actually seems she was fired because she wasn't liked by her bosses even though she was excellent at her job.  The job kept her constantly busy even working from home after hours, she loved the work and challenge and feeling of being needed.  It also provided her a focus of something other than our son, or me, or any other normal stress triggers.  It allowed me to enjoy time with friends, and family when she was away on business trips.  But since she's been let go her focus has be in the cross hairs, its nit picking what I say, the way I think, the way I say something, how I do something, the decisions I make...

It came to a head last night, my resentments for her and the way she treats me and how I  have always held my feelings back got the best of me and had an outburst.  The nail in the coffin was so stupid too... I'm pissed at myself for acting the way I did knowing I'm better than that, I should know better of how to act during her behaviors etc etc. But her behavior is unacceptable to me, we dropped off our son at her parents for babysitting, we had a night planned out with another couple for drinks and dinner, she gets mad I didn't pull into the handi-capped spot to run him inside of their condo. Instead I park two spots down and this annoys her for whatever reason.  She makes a comment as I'm taking my son out of his car seat and going on and on about it, I return to the car moments later after dropping him off and she continues on about the spot and how its further and no real valid reason in my opinion why this even matters, like parking an extra 20 feet away set us back even later when she made us late by 25 mins because she wasn't ready.  The arguing starts in the car and I can't tolerate the nagging and disrespect and comments about how I haven't been supported enough about how she lost her job, and how I drive the car too aggressive but then comments and picks about how I drive to slow or I'm in the slow lane in the highway or I drive too slow in parking lot situations to find a spot.  She just changes her story and opinions to fit that current way shes talking and feeling, its hypocritical and I've tried to call "bullPLEASE READ" on it and it usually backfires in my face and she'll turn it on me. I even catch her in a lie and she denys is over and over and over and over, to the point I just gave up.  It drives me crazy that I have proof of lies and she continues to deny concrete proof!  Anyways I said some really harsh things and was yelling at traffic lights to the point my throat is killing me today, I couldn't take it anymore I just flipped out and felt like a kettle with no steam valve and I burst. I said things to the point I wanted to leave her and didn't want to be in a relationship.  I partly do feel this way when she treats me so poorly, but I am in love with her when things are good.  Through dinner and when we got home last night I felt sick to my stomach about my outburst.  I don't understand how someone can lie and just deny over and over and over and be fine with it... (I try to make myself laugh to get over it and think of George Costanza from Seinfeld "Jerry just remember, It isn't a lie... if you believe it."

Anyways...

Lately I've let myself slip, the outburst in my opinions is a reflection of this.  Things were going well I completely forgot about BPD, JADE, and other tools, and that she is Ubpd.   After last night she said I need help and need to see a therapist, and that there's something wrong with me, I completely agree with seeing a therapist, I need desperately someone 3rd party to vent to and just discuss and get feelings off my chest.  I look at myself like an abused circus animal a lot, I perform the tricks play the part, take the abuse, get put in a cage and poked and prodded and demeaned... until there's that day where the lion snaps and goes after the trainer.  Lately I've felt alienated from friends and family, and have feelings of beings depressed because of her negative attitude all the time since she lost her job. I have no energy to do my work at my job.  I at least realize this is my slip back into a depression(formerly diagnosed by doctor) and realize I need to get back in touch with other people before it gets worse. I also need to find a therapist that I can feel comfortable with, it sucks finding mental health is difficult these days.  You look through the insurance provider and its just names and phone numbers, I want someone I can connect and feel comfortable with and that actually listens, I had tried about a year ago but the woman turned me off right away and clearly was not focused on what I was saying. The $40 copay each session is a crazy turn off, (we have money, she's just anal and crazy about my spending when she buys a $400 jacket two winters ago that's never been worn LoL)  Ah well the saga continues and at least I had to work today and have some time to my self and time to write this all out on my lunch break,  just writing this ranting post has been so liberating and I'm glad I've found my way back here.  Will keep you all posted.

Thanks you all,
The Mayor

[Cat Familiar]

When things are going well, it's easy to forget to use the tools. As you remember, JADEing--Justifying, Arguing, Defending or Explaining is a no-win strategy when pwBPD are triggered and begin dysregulating. Using any of those behaviors guarantees a worse outcome.

PwBPD often create disruption and unpleasantness in their workplace, even though they may be very competent at their job; they are not competent with people skills and often their emotional intelligence is very poor. Undoubtedly the loss of her job has affected her self esteem and is partially responsible for her increased argumentative behavior.

It's definitely stressful being in a relationship with a pwBPD. No point in beating yourself up for an outburst; it's a sign that you've been under a lot of stress. Yes, find a counselor. Very important for nons to have someone who can listen non-judgmentally.

[Rev]

Thanks you all,
The Mayor

So I just wanted you to know that I read this - and - positive thoughts going your way.

My word so many stories sound the same. Shocking really. Bless you for your courage and compassion in carrying this much.

Hang in there and keep on keeping on.

Rev

[formflier]

Hey, also a reminder that if you are being  blocked from leaving, turn on the recorder on your phone and call 911.

That way there is proof of what is happening (she can't make false claims) and one way or another the situation gets diffused.

What's your plan to disengage from this renewed cycle?

Best,

FF

[CHChuck]

As I read your story, I think you are writing about my life. Seriously, I've heard nearly the exact same arguments about the parking spot I choose. When things are good, they are better than I can imagine them being with anyone else. But, without warning, for the smallest things she aggressively criticizes me. One time it was because I said, "this (the immediately preceding text) is awesome in a group text" without saying what was awesome. I make one defensive remark, and we are at it. Within an hour, I've started a fight and I am reconsidering why I endure this.

Because my wife declared I have UDBPD, I started seeing a therapist who is a specialist on it. From him, I am learning to set limits. Even though I care deeply about her and other feeling angry with me, I am trying to be more self focused. For me, that means calmly saying, here's my limit and here's what I will do to be certain it is honored.

For nearly six months, I have not raised my voice in an argument and I am working hard to affirm her feelings. I am seeing some improvement, but I must say, I need to go into my car and scream sometimes.

I would LOVE to have the support of a sponsor-like person to whom I can share how hard I'm working to accommodate her UDBPD. Sometimes, hearing a "good job!" from someone might give me energy in the face of the "you are finally learning to control your anger" comments I hear from my wife.

[UBPDHelp]

Hi Mayor,

Welcome back...I am new to posting here, but have read stories for a while.

I don’t have any great advice, but, I, too, have been in your shoes. I’ve been married for a long time and am definitely an enabling empath. I thought I was being a good wife being flexible, just happy to be building a life, but have actually been reinforcing the bad behavior.

Anyway, didn’t want you to feel alone.  Have had the same ridiculous comment/argument about nonsense.  My SO magically can turn the smallest perceived slight into a reflection of a recurring bigger issue.

I’ll be watching your progress as I continue my own journey. I wish you the best and much peace.