Everything I do irritates her

[RufusTFirefly]

There's a lot to cover, but the TLDR is everything I do irritates my wife. She hates the way I stand. She hates the way I eat. She hates when I make a joke that she doesn't understand. She hates that I'm not charismatic enough around her friends. She hates when I'm too flirty with other women (I'm not a flirty person — she considers any unnecessary interaction I have with another woman to be flirting). She hates the music I listen to. She hates the way I drive. She hates the way that I complement her. Then she hates that I don't have a high enough opinion of myself. I think you get the idea.

And then, once she vents all of this, she typically gets very cuddly. It's a rollercoaster.

We haven't had sex in months. She says it's my fault because I'm not nice enough to her (I think I'm very nice to her and very patient, too, by necessity — walking on eggshells is a very appropriate metaphor).

I'm not exactly sure what my question is other than I want to have a good relationship with her and she says it's my fault that we don't. I'm not a perfect person by any stretch of the imagination, but every time I try and do something to better myself in her eyes, she finds five new things about me that irritate her. We've had problems before, but have mostly gotten through them. This feels like the worst it's ever been.

I want to work with her and help her, but it feels like I'm just enabling her by giving her a scapegoat for her feelings.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Ozzie101]

Hi Rufus!

I went through a phase like that with my H. Seemed like everything about me or about our life together bothered him. Even things like little problems with the house -- since we only bought the house because of me.  Or lots of "I used to have pots that nothing stuck to. This one you registered for is worthless!" Silly stuff, big stuff, you name it.

And I know what you mean about venting, then cuddling. That's still my H's pattern. He'll vent (not necessarily at or about me -- he's mostly stopped doing that) for a while, then all of a sudden, he's perfectly fine and feeling playful and happy. Meanwhile, I'm still processing/recovering from the verbal onslaught of negativity. I think that's pretty common in BPD.

I don't know about your W, but I know with my H, when he's under a lot of stress, any little thing anywhere will become a huge deal.

Does your W have any extra stress going on at the moment?

When she criticizes you, how do you respond? My H mostly doesn't criticize me now, but if he's in a mood and he says something like, "You didn't clean out the lint trap on the dryer. You never do that!" I'll very brightly reply, "Gosh, I'm sorry. I swear, I'd forget my own head if it wasn't attached sometimes. Do you want salmon or pizza for dinner?" In other words, I don't let it get to me.

Now, if it's a genuine complaint or something more serious, I'll use SET or try to listen with empathy and validate his feelings.

How do these exchanges usually go with the two of you?

[RufusTFirefly]

It's strange. Most of our relationship has been very stressful due to outside issues, but fairly recently, the last of them got settled. We have kids, one of whom is particularly difficult, but other than that, there doesn't seem to be a whole lot of external stress in her life. She gets to spend almost all of her waking time exploring her hobbies.

I tend to respond to her by listening and repeating back what she says to show that I'm listening. Sometimes this works, but other times it doesn't. If I don't repeat what she said back verbatim, she sometimes says that it's not what she said. If I do repeat it back verbatim, she sometimes complains that I'm just repeating what she says, which isn't helpful.

I'm pretty good at staying in my head and not letting the criticisms get to me, but it's still exhausting.

Mostly, it just feels like I have to wait it out and eventually she'll calm down, but it doesn't feel like we're solving the big picture problem, just getting through the moment.

[Ozzie101]

Sometimes just riding out the storm seems to be all we can do. I've been there.

Remind me -- is your wife in therapy of any kind?

As for responses, repeating it back doesn't sound like it's really working for you. Have you tried any other methods?

[RufusTFirefly]

She's not currently in therapy. She's gone in the past and didn't find it helpful (though I thought I noticed a difference while she was going) and also finds it difficult to open up to new people. I'm also not going to therapy, but feel like I should be (my schedule's much less open than hers).

Honestly, when she gets into her modes, I enter a sort of survival mode, where I'm just doing what I can to keep myself sane and calm. I focus on mindfulness. I'm not sure what to do other than validate her emotions and listen. Part of me feels stubborn — I wonder if I could end the berating by just saying, "I'm sorry and you're right: it's my fault" even though it's not how I feel, but I don't think it would work.

[Ozzie101]

I wonder if I could end the berating by just saying, "I'm sorry and you're right: it's my fault" even though it's not how I feel, but I don't think it would work.

No, it wouldn't. For one thing, you'd be validating the invalid, which is not recommended. Long-term, it would make things worse and more difficult.

Also, your coming to an agreement on these things isn't the root of the problem. It's not about your behavior. It's a symptom of her disorder. She feels the need to lash out. You're a convenient target. You could agree to everything under the sun and she'd likely find something new to target.

Listening only goes so far. If she's going into lengthy tirades, it's better to excuse yourself if you can.

[Blast000]

I very much relate to what you are saying Rufus. I go through periods where she hates everything about me and there is literally nothing I can do to make things right.

The only thing that worked was just being patient with it. Realizing it was an illness that would pass. Survival mode, I guess.

I would say that it's important to have a life that is not just her. This mode she is in is where you get beat down and your self esteem annihilated. Hopefully you have a good support outside of this...people who don't hate everything you do. If you don't, which I understand because I don't--hahahha, then maybe just pursuing other hobbies might be important or spending time alone with your kids.

She should be seeing a therapist. I would push that as much as you can, in whatever way you can. That's your best hope. You should see one as well. Make time for it.

[SadtimesAZ]

It's called devaluation, and if you told her all the same things she would say you hate her. It's one of the hardest things to deal with having everything about you be picked apart. It's the narcissistic side of BPD but some think it's just splitting behavior. I really think it's just outright narcissism most of the time, channeling their mother who nitpicked everything growing up. Some say it's a maladaptive coping mechanism to shame you to inflate themselves, like a bully child. It's toxic for your psyche but typically will reveal the type of caregivers that person had growing up.

[Butane]

My H behaves in similar ways. He makes many comments that are complaints or criticisms. I wonder sometimes "do you even like me?"

 It can take me a while to let it go, to not take it personally. It seems like I just annoy him.

Then, at night, a switch flicks and he wants to be intimate. As though I don't irritate him at all. This is opposite to your wife (might be a general gender difference).

It is tiring.

[strugglingBF]

I totally relate to this post.  My GF seems to hate everything I do at times.  My driving, the music I like, the shows/movies I watch.  She also tells me I am not outgoing enough in public, yet if I so much as talk to a female I know I will have hell to pay (especially if she is remotely attractive).  I was actually much more outgoing before I met her, but I find being too outgoing strikes nerves with her so I adapt.  I am by no means an introvert, but I watch myself in public when with her.  We will talk on the phone from separate houses some nights...she will ask what I am watching and I know what is coming next is some kind of put-down about whatever it is I am watching.  I watch a lot of documentary stuff on Netflix, particularly stuff on true crime or serial killers.  That stuff just intrigues me for some reason.  She will use it against me in certain situations and play it as if I am more likely to be a serial killer myself because I watch that stuff.  It is comical at times.  I will listen to piano jazz sometimes when I want to relax; I listen to it sometimes when I fall asleep.  Sometimes that music will start to automatically play in the car with her when my phone connects automatically to the car stereo.  She always immediately says, "what the hell is this!  Why would anyone listen to this?  I swear I don't know who you are!".  I just tell her I listen to it to decompress or when I fall asleep at night and move on.  She approaches it almost as if she can't believe she is dating someone who would listen to that kind of music, or like our relationship can't work because of this discovery.  I am always left feeling bewildered that piano jazz music can illicit that kind of belief or response. 

[jaded7]

I totally relate to this post.  My GF seems to hate everything I do at times.  My driving, the music I like, the shows/movies I watch.  She also tells me I am not outgoing enough in public, yet if I so much as talk to a female I know I will have hell to pay (especially if she is remotely attractive).  I was actually much more outgoing before I met her, but I find being too outgoing strikes nerves with her so I adapt.  I am by no means an introvert, but I watch myself in public when with her.  We will talk on the phone from separate houses some nights...she will ask what I am watching and I know what is coming next is some kind of put-down about whatever it is I am watching.  I watch a lot of documentary stuff on Netflix, particularly stuff on true crime or serial killers.  That stuff just intrigues me for some reason.  She will use it against me in certain situations and play it as if I am more likely to be a serial killer myself because I watch that stuff.  It is comical at times.  I will listen to piano jazz sometimes when I want to relax; I listen to it sometimes when I fall asleep.  Sometimes that music will start to automatically play in the car with her when my phone connects automatically to the car stereo.  She always immediately says, "what the hell is this!  Why would anyone listen to this?  I swear I don't know who you are!".  I just tell her I listen to it to decompress or when I fall asleep at night and move on.  She approaches it almost as if she can't believe she is dating someone who would listen to that kind of music, or like our relationship can't work because of this discovery.  I am always left feeling bewildered that piano jazz music can illicit that kind of belief or response. 

Holy cow can I relate! Constant criticism, of nearly everything I do or like or read about or am interested in or my friends or my work or my driving (I'm the worst driver ever, she refuses to EVER ride with me again- I've never had an accident, I've driven and been trained in race cars)...

It's bewildering. It's like it has no purpose and doesn't make sense. It feels like it's an attempt to control or have power over. I read the book The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans and it really struck a chord with me. She says these kinds of criticisms are designed to make the person feel powerful because deep inside they feel unworthy and powerless.

And that "why would anyone..." phrasing sounds very familiar to.

Guess how many times I've criticized her, her interests, her habits, etc.? Never, none. I can't even see why I would want to.

[Ozzie101]

It can be very frustrating and painful to manage, I know. It used to bother me a lot more early on. But, especially in the last few months, I've learned to detach more and a lot of that comes from positive self-talk and building up my own inner core.

I have a couple of Elvis Presley songs on my phone. H HATES Elvis. Also some Patsy Cline (I'm not a fan of country music, but I do like her). Similarly, I love Mel Brooks movies. B&W movies. Classical jazz. Broadway.

In normal times, he'll gently tease or make fun. When he's irritated, it becomes more pointed and an attack. I just smile, shrug, and say "Hey, I like what I like. To each his own" and move on. If he tries to pursue, I just put on "the mask." It's not about the music or the movies or whatever. It's about whatever he's feeling inside.

Side note: strugglingBF, your falling asleep to piano jazz hits my happy place. My grandparents were HUGE classic jazz fans (different from piano jazz, but still jazz) and I was brought up on it. Most of my happiest childhood times were in my grandparents' house and I have warm fuzzy memories of falling asleep to the sounds of jazz as Granddaddy worked on transferring recordings on all the equipment he kept in their room. *Sigh* Maybe I need to pull out some CDs.

[strugglingBF]

Piano jazz is a vice, for sure.  If I have a headache I take some ibuprofen, lay on the couch, turn on some piano jazz, close my eyes for 30-45 minutes...headache gone.  I listen to it when I go to sleep almost every night lately.  If I am overly stressed I will listen to it.  So relaxing!

[jaded7]

It's called devaluation, and if you told her all the same things she would say you hate her. It's one of the hardest things to deal with having everything about you be picked apart. It's the narcissistic side of BPD but some think it's just splitting behavior. I really think it's just outright narcissism most of the time, channeling their mother who nitpicked everything growing up. Some say it's a maladaptive coping mechanism to shame you to inflate themselves, like a bully child. It's toxic for your psyche but typically will reveal the type of caregivers that person had growing up.

After the first several months where everything was amazing, I was so interesting, so very much into 'us', I was her 'person', etc etc, the criticisms started...of everything, from my clothing, my pillow placement, the cleanliness of my house ("it's a pigsty" when in the first months "it was cleaner than my place"), my driving, how I run my business, the sources of political articles I texted her ("______ is a trash publication and no one would believe anything in it"- that was the only response) I mean everything. I made a list of things about me she criticizes and it's at #90 right now. I made a list of things she is proud of me for, praises me for, congratulates me for...it's at 0.  I, on the other hand, always try to build her up and praise her work, her parenting, her hair when she gets it done (strangely, that one makes her annoyed), etc etc. I WANT to give her praise.

[strugglingBF]

Totally identify Jaded!  If I kept track I could have a huge list of criticisms.  Maybe I should make a list.  I often wonder if she ever realizes how much she does it.  I have been criticized for how long I brush my teeth, how well I clean my house (funny thing is her house is a mess and mine is always clean and tidy).  The driving one seems to be a common theme I have seen in many posts on here.  I am so much of a better and less aggressive driver than her.  But it works in my favor because my driving annoys her so much she always wants to drive everywhere we go.  Works for me.  She never says a word to me on days I get my haircut.  Never tells me I look good.  I am sure to compliment her after every one of her haircuts, and pretty much every other time she dresses up or dresses professionally.  I could go on and on about criticism and lack of compliments.  Someone should do a study on the long term effects of constant put-downs or criticisms versus the lack of compliments or uplifting comments in general.  It wears on you after a while.  The positive effect is you learn how to be your own best cheerleader and supporter and not rely on others for that confidence.  I do think that most of it comes from her own insecurities.  My GF never went to college, has bounced from job to job, and frankly has never been all that successful at anything.  Doesn't matter to me I love her just the same.  However, she does attack my college degree and my professional success.  Many times attributing it to the fact I am tall, decent-looking, white male and people only trust me and believe me for that reason.  Not the endless hours I have put into my career and all the sacrifices and extra classes/work I have put in to get where I have gotten.  That is the only time she compliments my appearance...when she uses it against me to explain my professional success

[jaded7]

Totally identify Jaded!  If I kept track I could have a huge list of criticisms.  Maybe I should make a list.  I often wonder if she ever realizes how much she does it.  I have been criticized for how long I brush my teeth, how well I clean my house (funny thing is her house is a mess and mine is always clean and tidy).  The driving one seems to be a common theme I have seen in many posts on here.  I am so much of a better and less aggressive driver than her.  But it works in my favor because my driving annoys her so much she always wants to drive everywhere we go.  Works for me.  She never says a word to me on days I get my haircut.  Never tells me I look good.  I am sure to compliment her after every one of her haircuts, and pretty much every other time she dresses up or dresses professionally.  I could go on and on about criticism and lack of compliments. 

I really started noticing this last year (btw, I think our relationship might be done, it's been a very rocky last few months- read my thread if you dare). She started telling "I don't dress professionally enough" and "don't make a good impression" so I got some new clothes. I wore them out to the events with her son's graduation and associated things, and she never even once acknowledged them or said "those looks nice" or "I'm glad you got them". Whereas I tell her all the time how nice she looks. We were at a show her son was in at a very nice theater with her parents, so I got nicely dressed in new clothes- not only did she not mention it, she was wearing yoga pants and sneakers. The very person who has criticized me for not dressing well.

She criticizes EVERYTHING- my soap, my toothpaste, how I arrange the magnesium supplements on my counter, how I arrange my oat container, my sheets, my pillows, my comforter, where I place my clock radio, how I talk to my customers, how I deal with my employees, how I interact with servers, how I set my chopsticks down and/or hold them, what I eat, how much I read, how I don't watch the right shows...seriously, I could go on and on and on

I think it's over because of what happened over the last few weeks, it's in the thread. But suffice it to say that she's been very verbally and emotionally abusive, called me horrible names, has been gaslighting me and lying to me, using me...and I'm exhausted and broken. I simply don't know what to do, I'm tired of being mistreated. But, I love her and still want to try to take care of her. But it's clear from her last verbal assault that she thinks I'm a loser, my business is "stupid" and I "don't show up for her" (she hasn't done a thing for me in 10 months)

[strugglingBF]

I am going to find your thread and read it.  One of the things you mentioned that is one of the things that bother me the most in my relationship is the lack of participation in my life and my kids lives.  I go to all of her kids events, at least all of them I can make.  There are times when I have my kids (I am divorced and have my kids every other week) that I miss some of her kids events.  I have sat through so many boring events in order to support her kids.  I have sat through numerous soccer games for her son who never took the sport seriously and sat the bench the entire season.  Still went to at least 75% of his games, some while I had my kids.  Sat through a quarter season of softball because her daughter decided to try to play a sport senior year just so she could say she played a sport and get the free gear.  It was a joke, but I sat through her games until she quit right after receiving the gear she wanted.  I have attended her kids school conferences because their dad didn't go.  I drove her son to school for an entire school year because she lived outside the school district.  I have made numerous runs to their school over the year to take them homework, clothes, money, etc.  Most of the time I didn't even agree with taking them anything.  They should have been being taught to be responsible for themselves.  They are 20 and 18 now and are the most irresponsible young adults I have ever met.  I am getting away from my point.  That is not even close to everything I have done from my GF and her kids over the past 5 years.  I can't tell you how many times I dropped what I was doing to help them with something.  What do I get in return?  A GF that won't attend my son's band concerts because she thinks band is boring and for geeks.  I know right, like I wanted to go watch a bunch of 1.5 hour soccer games that her son didn't even play in because he doesn't have the drive or care to compete.  My son's band concerts are an hour at most, and there are 3-4 per school year.  But she can't skip one women's over 40 soccer league game to support my son?  It is BS and frankly it pisses me the F off.  She (and her children) are the most selfish individuals I have ever run across in my life.  They all only think of themselves, and they will make me feel bad when I choose my kids over them in certain situations.  Here is a good story for you.  We used to live together.  Her kids are hot lunch kids and my kids are cold lunch kids.  I pack my kids lunches every day.  My GF and her kids always made fun of me for sending my kids to school with cold lunches.  Called us weird and whatnot.  One time I was making my kids lunches and my GF got so mad at me she started a verbal fight about lunches.  She scolded me for not making her kids cold lunches for school and claimed that I give my own kids special treatment over her kids.  WTF?  They did nothing but make fun of me and my kids for cold lunches and called them a joke and a waste of time...now you are going to say I am a selfish A-hole for not making your kids lunches every day.  I wanted to tell her...why don't you make you own kids lunches if you care so much?...but I bit my tongue.  That is the kind of crap I have dealt with for the past 5 years.   

[jaded7]

Yep, the lack of participation in MY life. Whereas I would drop anything I'm doing to help her, meet her, bring her something if she's sick, whatever. She never once in 2 years has come to an event at my business, she's never helped- or even offered to help- me in my business I run alone. She doesn't even manage to give a 'like' to my Instagram posts for the business.

I can tell you're frustrated, and I KNOW how it feels. I've been there for months now and I can only validate what you're feeling.

The question my therapist asks me is 'why'. Why did I put up with that verbal abuse, the emotional abuse and manipulations, the yelling, the ghosting, the lying?

I still don't have the answer for it. I still miss her and love here, despite everything your read in my thread 'Or leave...don't know what to do". Despite three different therapists telling me she is a classic abuser and bully. Despite me realizing this morning I've beens suffering with the intermittent reinforcement and verbal abuse for one full year now. Our 2 year anniversary is Sunday. I tell my therapist, to the point where she's pointed this out to me, "I would never do/say that to someone! I don't get it" over and over again as I describe things she's done and said to me.

I think it comes down to the intermittent reinforcement and HOPING against hope that things would return to the way they were when we started.

[Narza]

The question my therapist asks me is 'why'. Why did I put up with that verbal abuse, the emotional abuse and manipulations, the yelling, the ghosting, the lying?

I think you know the answer to this and you admit it here

I think it comes down to the intermittent reinforcement and HOPING against hope that things would return to the way they were when we started.

Thing is, like most of us here, we are codependant.  In the beginning of your / our relationships they were amazing and the SO's made us a priority and its something we hadnt felt before!  Such an amazing honeymoon period right?

Thats what you are fighting for, to get that back.  Not sure if we would ever get that back, but for me, im happy to be working on myself and understanding how to better communicate when i get her back!  Have you read any books to help understand better etc?

[Ozzie101]

Astute observations, y'all.

Intermittent reinforcement is what keeps a lot of us in relationships that aren't right or healthy. Now, sometimes there is hope and a relationship can be saved.

But, where BPD is concerned, it's important to remember that that initial love-bombing honeymoon period was temporary. Will you see it again? You might. But it won't stick around. The ups and downs are the reality that must be accepted.

The thing everyone has to decide for themselves is this: Is the down worth the up? (And for some, those downs are so low and so frequent/long-lasting that, no, they're probably not.) Is this or does it genuinely have the potential to be a healthy relationship for me? Is my image of what I really want something that's attainable here?

[jaded7]

Astute observations, y'all.

Intermittent reinforcement is what keeps a lot of us in relationships that aren't right or healthy. Now, sometimes there is hope and a relationship can be saved.

But, where BPD is concerned, it's important to remember that that initial love-bombing honeymoon period was temporary. Will you see it again? You might. But it won't stick around. The ups and downs are the reality that must be accepted.

The thing everyone has to decide for themselves is this: Is the down worth the up? (And for some, those downs are so low and so frequent/long-lasting that, no, they're probably not.) Is this or does it genuinely have the potential to be a healthy relationship for me? Is my image of what I really want something that's attainable here?

Ozzie. And I'd add, being told how bad I am and how everything- every upset, every time I point out some inconsistency or unkindness and then being told I'm "looking to start an argument" and "I'm too sensitive" and the hypocrisy in behaviors and expectations- is my fault it makes me BELIEVE it. And since I want love so bad, since I love her so much, and since I want what we had I try to adapt, change, accept things and try harder, only to be met with more anger and more screwing up on my part.

The hardest thing right now is the feeling that I'm such a horrible person, I'm unworthy and flawed.

[jaded7]

I think you know the answer to this and you admit it here

Thing is, like most of us here, we are codependant.  In the beginning of your / our relationships they were amazing and the SO's made us a priority and its something we hadnt felt before!  Such an amazing honeymoon period right?

Thats what you are fighting for, to get that back.  Not sure if we would ever get that back, but for me, im happy to be working on myself and understanding how to better communicate when i get her back!  Have you read any books to help understand better etc?

Thanks for this Narza.

Yes, I find myself fantasizing a lot about the first few months of the relationship when she was SO into us and very attentive and kind.

I believe I have become co-dependent with her, it that makes sense. I was super confident and very much ok with myself before her, then when we started I was the same, didn't worry. Then over time the criticism started and the anger-and implied threats to leave- and THEN I started trying to please her. At the same time I was always listening to her go on and on about her ex, because it made me feel good to at least help her process things ...but at the same time I thought this is not normal for a person 6 years out to be constantly talking about and forwarding emails and texts from her ex. Obvious bids for reinforcement.

I have only read the book The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans, and it is her to a T. It's not specifically about bpd, but it really captures the controlling, the snapping and belittling and the defensiveness and the ...

[Snowdog]

Hi Everyone and Hi Ozzie, we spoke a while back. So many things here I can relate too. I am broken up with my BPD again and I dont know if she will contact me. I'm blocked.

Somewhere I read about how arguments can become more frequent as we seemed to get closer. I would like to reread that if anyone knows that of which I speak.

 One specific thing I would like to comment on here is about the driving syndrome. BPD always reacts with fright and jumps whenever a car puts on the brakes or appears in front of us. I NEVER react to her. I stay calm because there is never anything to be alarmed about. She ends up apologizing. And that's it. We move on. However, my observation is that this must be a behavior that has gotten her reactions before. She cannot stop doing it even though it garners her no results from me. Interesting how it is programmed into her behavioral pattern.

Aside from that...we have all the earmark characteristics of a BPD relationship. I'm currently evaluating whether it is sane to move back into the relationship if she contacts me. I think it is. I am stubborn and believe we can work things out. She is also starting to attend EBT sessions. Aside from being stubborn...I could NEVER match the good times and the love and connection that come with it. It is so deep. That feeling will always haunt me if I lose her love. So...it is worth the struggle to me.

So here I wait...

[eggshellfiancee]

I feel this. Everything I do is picked apart. Even the good things I do for him. He says everything I do is ultimately self-serving, so like, even if I give up or sacrifice something for him to make sure he is happy, he says that I only did it to protect myself and make myself look good. Theres no way to win.

We also haven't slept in the same bed in months except for when we were forced to (staying with a friend on a trip). And then he didnt even touch me. I even recently called his bluff on his constant threats of kicking me out of the house and I actually left - went to my parent's house for a month. It was awful. I missed him every day. He swears he didn't miss me but I know he did. He "let" me come back. My plan to call his bluff backfired - he's still mad.

It's frustrating and I feel like i'm stuck. I dont have any advice to give I just want you to know you are not alone.

[jaded7]

Even the good things I do for him. He says everything I do is ultimately self-serving, so like, even if I give up or sacrifice something for him to make sure he is happy, he says that I only did it to protect myself and make myself look good. Theres no way to win.

This. I have heard the same exact thing. The no-win situations. Look in my thread and you'll see that I called her once to do the shopping for our camping trip. My goal- my intention- was to save her time and money since I had the afternoon free and she struggles with money. She absolutely exploded at me when I asked and said "you're just trying to cover your ass by asking", "what do you want, cookies and milk for asking?" and "your worthless in a grocery store". Stupid me, I then thought..well, perhaps I can come pick her up, go to the store and she can properly pick the stuff out and I'll at least pay for it. Her response "you're just saying that because you want to see me".

No win. Does this sound familiar? It's so frustrating and crazy-making and abusive.

[strugglingBF]

Holy crap, Jaded!  I identify with that entire post.  Every selfless act of mine gets picked apart as having a self-serving motive.  My GF would use the same line of "you just want to see me".  Uhhhhh...sometimes I really don't but I am pushing through for the greater good of the relationship.  My GF is also terrible with money.  Money is always a point of contention between us.  Her goal would be to have a merged bank account with me someday.  I, however, don't trust her with money or how she spends and uses it.  We have very different spending habits.  I am still pulling myself out of debt because I was carrying the entire financial burden of me, my 2 kids, her, and her 2 kids for a couple years while she tried a new commission based career out.  Do you think she has circled back now that she is making pretty good money to help me with the credit card debt I racked up to make sure her and her kids had a place to live, food on the table, birthdays, Christmas, etc.?  Not a chance.  Nope she is over they blowing through her money and wanting to eat every meal out all the time while I am trying to manage my finances and get out of debt.  And if I every loan her money or take care of a relatively large expense for her (like car repairs for her kids vehicles), it is like pulling teeth to get payment from her.  She avoids the subject of owing me hundreds of dollars and months go by...I finally mention it and I get torn apart because I am now "all about money".  I will hear, "do you think your money will keep you company if I am no longer around?"  I want to say.."I have a better chance of having a productive relationship with a nickel than I do with you."  I don't say that of course, that is just in my head.  I am placed in no win situation after no win situation.  I could go on and on.  She hates my ex wife for example.  She will tell me..."you need to address X with your ex" or I am going to get pissed.  I then reach out to my ex to address the item and she gets mad that I am having unnecessary contact.  I am just dumbfounded on a daily basis.  Put it on repeat.  She will ask for something done a very specific way.  I will do such item in a very specific way.  She will get made at me for that thing I did.  Rinse, repeat.  I haven't found a productive way out of the no-win situations that BPDs seem to absolutely love.