Getting back to baseline

[Cat Familiar]

My husband tends to get emotional about politics and the environment. Fortunately we are on the same page about our politics and beliefs. That said, I tend to be more of a political junkie than him, probably because I can compartmentalize and not get upset about things that are out of my control.

Previously he used to watch the TV network that was oppositional to his beliefs. I would tell him that doing that was greatly responsible for his depression. He finally quit and has seemed much more at ease.

Last night we began talking about politics and he rudely interrupted me, saying “I already know that.”

I got somewhat triggered and said, “You’re a smart guy and if I have to eliminate saying anything you already know, I won’t have anything at all to say.”

Of course that triggered him and he accused me of “lecturing” him.

I countered with saying that I just wanted to be able to finish my sentence without being interrupted and wished to be given the respect he’d give a stranger.

He angrily apologized, I said OK, then he said I never accepted his apologies and I just wanted to beat him up emotionally.

I disagreed, I said I just accepted his apology and again, I wanted to be accorded the respect he’d give a stranger.

Because I didn’t get further agitated, and repeated my desire for being treated respectfully, he calmed down. We began to reset our conversation and even were able to laugh. He apologized again and explained that he felt really stressed out and that’s why he behaved that way.

I said, “I know.” And soon we were back to speaking normally.

I went off to check on the horse when I heard her vocalize. We had had an escaped emu come through the property the day before and I wanted to make sure that things were OK.

Fifteen minutes later as I was feeding the house cat before getting ready for bed, he came in tearfully and hugged me and apologized again. “I want to treat you more kindly than a stranger. I’m so sorry I was grouchy.”

I think we are able to get back to baseline much more quickly these days because I can catch myself before I get too upset and say something which will make things worse. Also I know when to quit after saying my truth and I don’t keep going. And most of all, we’ve been able to rebuild bridges and let bygones be gone, without dredging up historical information to fling at each other (mostly). I’m a bit better at that, but he’s learning.

[Ozzie101]

That's awesome, Cat!

Sometimes I wish I could be better at it, but I think it is improving somewhat.

H had a rough day at work yesterday and then a stressful meeting that evening. He was close to a "state" when he got home. Started going into the "Your parents' friend did xyz." Usually a sign this is not going to go well (and I hate it when he drags my parents into it when it has nothing to do with them). But I didn't react to that at all.

Anyway, after SS9 was in bed, we sat on the couch in silence. Finally I said, "I'm sorry you had a bad day." He went into a discussion of what had gone wrong and what happened at the meeting. I listened, commented where appropriate, validated a lot of what he was saying. He was angry and upset, but not really "worked up." Then it transitioned a bit into a couple of big things that happened at my work. Then, he was fine and wanted to watch an episode of our current binge-watch show before bed.

All was well.

Now, I will say that I think a big part of that was that there was no drinking tonight. He threw all the wine out of the house after last week's dysregulation. But we were both able to stay calm and have a perfectly normal discussion about a crummy day at work.

[Cat Familiar]

PwBPD have difficulty enough managing their emotions, so when you add alcohol to that equation, it makes it even more fraught.

My husband has a history of using alcohol to try and soothe himself and that nearly caused us to break up at one point, before I realized that there was more than alcohol behind his troubling behavior.

At that point, I assumed his emotions were more under his control than apparently they are, so I pleaded with him to be more moderate with his alcohol consumption. Undoubtedly I wasn’t the first in his history to do so, and in effect my pleas were completely counterproductive and he began drinking even more, to the point of passing out on a regular basis.

And then, I became even more adamant with my intellectual arguments against drinking, and further deepened the divide.

It wasn’t until I really got a sense that alcohol was a bandaid for the terrible feelings of self loathing and self criticism that plagued him daily. And all my pleas to drink less merely added to that burden of self hatred.

Once I asked him what the alcohol did for him and he said that it was his only friend. How sad and pathetic!

Though it could stave off temporarily those critical internal voices, at the same time, it was disrupting his sleep and damaging his health.

I finally realized that my input on this matter was counterproductive and also a symptom of my codependency and I backed off. Since then, he’s had a better relationship with alcohol. He still drinks regularly but is more moderate than before. I haven’t seen him drunk in a few years.

It’s unfortunate that alcohol exacerbes BPD, but at the same time, I have more compassion knowing that it also gives him a brief respite from some of those difficult feelings.

[Ozzie101]

Alcohol definitely plays a role with my uBPDh. His worst dysregulations and dissociative episodes can be linked to it. And it doesn't take much. A full glass of wine and he's off.

I've never pestered or even spoken about it. He'll talk about it after an incident or he'll declare "I'm getting rid of all the wine out of the house." He does it. Then it'll creep back in.

He talks about how he keeps thinking it will help him relax but that it never actually works and he knows that, but keeps doing it anyway, which he says he can't understand about himself. If I thought it actually helped him or numbed him, I'd be more compassionate about it. But it doesn't have that effect. It makes him more agitated and angry and irrational and then he feels awful the next day.

So, he's aware there's a problem. He admits it without any help or prompting from me. He even spoke to his doctor about it and the doctor agreed he was in an unhealthy pattern.

With your H, would it have an agitating or a numbing impact?

[Cat Familiar]

It is more numbing for my husband, though years ago, when I was approaching our difficult discussions entirely from a logical perspective, it had an agitating effect.

Now I know not to have any deep conversations when he’s been drinking. If it’s only a glass of wine, it’s OK. He’s got quite a tolerance. But more than that, I’ve learned that real discussions are off limits.

I saw truly psychotic behavior years ago when in the midst of an argument he began punching himself in the head and saying, “This is what you want. You hate me!”

He did this more than once. It was frightening.

[Ozzie101]

That would be terribly frightening, Cat. And, thing is, I could see my H doing that same thing (though he hasn't).

One of our "rules" is no serious discussions when there's been any alcohol. Yet, when he drinks, he's a dog with a bone and will not let anything drop, despite my efforts to exit, redirect, etc.