Fantasy Solutions to Real Problems

[AbuNassif]

Wife finally realized we need more money and said she's "going back to work" at her old job (that she held 8 years ago). I thought that meant she had the job when she said she was out shopping for a new suit. She came home with the suit, but as it turns out she never ever even called her old employer to discuss any opportunities.

This is just one minor example... gosh am I in a pickle with this woman's current crisis. But I'd like to keep this post simple.

Are fantasy solutions to real problems BPD?

[Gemsforeyes]

Dear Abu-

I think “fantasy solutions” may be in some way related to impulsive thinking.  Her head, in a stream of consciousness way, may be telling her ... “need more money, used to work at “x company”; wore a suit there, don’t have a suit, NEED a suit NOW, buy a suit, problem solved.”

The best you can do in this situation is to compliment the suit, how professional it looks and encourage her regarding her skills, etc. once she opens the discussion on her next steps - whether that’s contacting her former employer, another company or a recruiter.

As far as the general question about “fantasy solutions”, I think in my case, yes.  But my BPDbf finally trusts my judgement and now passes most things by me before he makes any costly leaps.  This has NOT always been the case; and his impulsiveness has had steep impacts.

Not sure this sheds any light for you?  Your thoughts?

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[AbuNassif]

Oh yes, THANK YOU, that does help to hear.

It doesn't solve the greater issue, that she's quite literally going to bankrupt us, and soon, but it does help me see what I'm dealing with.

[I Am Redeemed]

To answer your question, I experienced "fantasy solutions" to real problems with my ex, though on probably a more extreme level.

He would spend money impulsively and we would be struggling to pay our bills. His solution to that would be to spend every dollar we had left on lottery tickets, because he believed he could figure out the system and win and our money troubles would be solved.

This fantasy has persisted over years. He repeatedly squandered money on the lottery, creating the financial difficulty, all the while believing that the only way out was to win the lottery. It became a serious and strange obsession for him that defies all logic and reason.

We are separated now, but I hear from his mother that this obsession persists.

[formflier]

For me it's not so much "fantasy" as it is ignoring or minimizing the steps in between.

Let's say there are 10 steps (in FF word) to accomplishing something.  FFw will focus on 1 and 10.   

If I've heard it once...a million times  "All we have to do is just do this and that and then we will have (whatever it is).

When I hear "Just"  I cringe.

Good thread.  Keep it up!

Hey...how can she (without your input) bankrupt you guys?  Do you have income or does it come from her?


Best,

FF

[AbuNassif]

How could she bankrupt us ... good question.

Since November 25th she's put the majority of 13,000 miles on our one car that already had 200,000 miles on it, that's over $900 in gas, it's our only car. She'd get up at 4AM and go for 300 mile drives to clear her mind. I just discovered a $4,300 bill from a vendor on a job she was managing that wasn't paid from back in September (it's February now). She transferred money from biz account to pay off personal credit card before we had a chance to make our tax payments, even after I asked her to hold off. Etc. We are up to our eyeballs in debt already because when I thought she understood our financial situation which I left for her to manage while I did all the production work. She let things slide or go unchecked, and bingo maxed out cards here and there. Then she said I was as much to blame for not paying attention.

She works with me in my business, house in both our names, and once I start the process of denying her access to cards, will she feel combative? Do I want to find out? I have to move very carefully. She's already said that in a divorce she'd go for half the business, and we'd lose the house. So she'd take me down with her. If it wasn't that I have a 9 year old daughter from previous marriage who loves her, and spends every weekend with us, I'd take her up on the fight to the bottom ...

That's how.

I'm waiting for the remorseful phase to begin so I can carefully rearrange the financial situation so I can control it, and not let anything slide. If I can encourage her to go get a job, any part time job, and still make her feel at home doing some things for the business, I think I can do this without a fight. I think we can get out of our debt in 5 years if we play this thing right. But I don't know what to expect from her anymore.

[AbuNassif]

To answer your question, I experienced "fantasy solutions" to real problems with my ex, though on probably a more extreme level. He would spend money impulsively and we would be struggling to pay our bills.

I've seen similar. She'd get these ideas for product lines, and I fall for each one. I now have perfectly made prototypes, market research, and materials enough to supply an army ... for things that at first were good ideas, but now I realize we have no business getting involved in! But after the initial enthusiasm, nothing got done. But lots of money on the finest materials was spent, and effort that could have bolstered existing lines, wasted.

So somewhere between you and FF - the All we have to do is ... initial idea, name the outcome... but nothing in between worked out.