Crossroads

[5min]

I am at a crossroads. I cannot continue existing in the pressure cooker that is my marriage with a violent wife with BPD. JADE does not work. Everything I say is taken as an excuse or blaming someone else or not talking. Leaving when she gets into a violent rage just increases the violence and threats. Boundaries result in rage. Self-help and trying to decompress results in being told I’m self-centered. Every conversation has a jab or a putdown. Reality is what she feels with no correlation to what is truly reality. No intimacy. How can there be toward one who speaks such vile abuse and is violent.

I’ve been to three therapists. One is clueless to the situation (sessions were managed by her), one nailed it but arrogantly thought he could heal her (she exploded in a rage confirming his diagnosis), and the third said only one other time in his career did he suggest a divorce. Maybe that is what we need: her to stop being enables and forced to deal with her crap and I to heal.

I get it that we have history. I don’t see things ever getting better. I don’t see things ever getting acceptable. I don’t see the pain ending. All I see is a clocking ticking down until the next violent rage.

[Cat Familiar]

Generally it’s better for us nons to seek therapy to help us deal with these challenging relationships rather than trying to do couples therapy. It’s a lot to deal with at best, and that you’re dealing with violence makes things far more difficult. I’d also suggest talking with your local domestic violence center. They understand that men are victims too.

What are your considerations that keep you from leaving this relationship? What are the factors that remain positive for you, if any?

How are you planning on protecting yourself the next time she gets violent?

[Lucky Jim]

Hey 5min, From my perspective, you can't go on like this or you'll wind up in a crash landing, which is not fun.  Let me ask you a few questions: What would you like to see happen?  What are your gut feelings about your marriage?  What keeps you hangin' on, as the song says?  Presumably you stay for a reason.  What is it?

LuckyJim

[5min]

I've asked myself why I get sucked back into the vortex. Given a little time after an outburst, I think FOG sets in. I find that I set deadlines to "get through" some event or holiday.

When it is good (not ever really great), I'm trying to heal.

What would I like to see? The past finally left there. The blaming for every problem in her life to stop and maybe some ownership for her part in causing her problems. Acceptance that if she has a problem with everyone around her, that since she is the common denominator, maybe she is part of the problem. A home that is safe and a place to recharge. Time to recharge. A time to do the things I enjoy without guilt and bitching. That every event, book, movie, news event is not used to jab me or teach me how I'm the cause of all her problems. To be intimate without it being thrown back in my face. That I'm not the house help or staff to take care of all the crap she should. That I'm not there to plan her life and take the blame when things go wrong.

Gut feelings: It will never get better. She will never change. I have no hope of peace or joy in this marriage.

At times I see her vulnerability and feel the caretaker role. Maybe that is what keeps me in.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey 5min, I appreciate your honest answers.  Yes, the vortex is powerful.  Like you, I spent a lot of time just "getting through" to the next event.  The problem, of course, is that another outburst is always on the horizon.  A storm cloud can appear out of a clear blue sky.

Concerning what you would like to see happen, at some point you might want to ask yourself whether that is realistic.  If not, you might have to adjust your expectations, or temper them with reality.  I thought my bpdW and I would reach a plateau of relative stability, which proved to be a mirage.

Suggest you continue to monitor your gut feelings, your core, about what is right for you.

Care-taking seems noble, but often is unhealthy and a sign of codependence.

LuckyJim

[5min]

Codependence - yes I see some of that and the "known versus the unknown". Stick with the devil you know. In the 2 weeks since I last posted, we have had two weekends both with turmoil. The first involved an hours long extinction burst / bitch session over her perception, not reality. Then the 2nd was while trying to talk on a trip to see her parents, again a means to rehash the past and bitch about it. Her solution is for me to learn how to respond with I'm sorry and how I am the worthless POS who caused it and caused her feelings. Wow! Seriously?

Is what I want realistic? Not with her. I know guys who have that, but they are not dealing with BPD, paranoia, blaming, etc. All she does is hurt the people around her.

From a faith standpoint, I see two questions for which I have no answer. First, what is the point of this existence in a continual hell if our life is to glorify God? I get it for those who are martyrs for God. This is not that. There can not be the leaning on friends and building relationships which help each other through the struggles because she can not allow me to be away unsupervised. Second, am I standing in the way of her hitting rock bottom (by staying in the marriage) and being forced to deal with her crap? I know God has a plan/purpose. I just don't understand what it is.

[Cat Familiar]

What do you want your life to look like? What steps are you willing to take to get there?

[5min]

What I want my life to look like:
Calm, peaceful, joy, safe, reconnect with family & friends, feel love.

I want to forget what JADE stands for, what an extension bust is, or worrying about the egg shells and FOG.

What steps am I willing to do to get there:
That is the question. Am I willing to trade one hell for a short term hell (divorce or dumb down with anti depressants to tolerate the BS) to get there? And that is not everyone's need for anti depressants but is in my case. The drugs do not work. They only change the tolerance but once it is reached, they do not help. Self medication of any form does not work. "Fixing" me does not fix her BPD or the dynamic. So, yes I see the step. And I am willing to take it.

[Boll Weevil]

I learned to manage the blaming, shaming, and outbursts of my BPDW. I am mostly exhausted from watching every word and action. I'm getting pretty good at "extiguishing to extenction" but I cannot get anything from her except selfishness. I had to move to another room in the house a year ago. I thought some space and time would make things better, but it seems she prefers being apart.  I am at the end f ideas.