Please help: My story & how did you rid yourself of guilt from their blaming?

[Trynadeal]

Hi all,

Long time reader, first time poster here. I sincerely apologize in advance if this is long, I'm just going to type my story. Thank you to any, and all who think they may be able to help me...

Idk what I'm expecting here, but I think I just need to let it all out. I've been holding in the guilt of this ordeal for quite some time now, and just keep thinking 'maybe she was right, and it was all my fault just like she said.' I know I'll never truly find it - but I'm looking for that 'key piece' of info that will help me put this behind me finally.

I guess I'll start with my life, since its been over:

I went to therapy for over a year, I've lost 60+ lbs, I got into the industry I wanted (but my bosses were toxic and threatened to fire us weekly pretty much, so quit that for my mental health after more than a year) and I'm currently looking for a company with a better culture, I had money saved up, and friends and fam encouraged me to quit with how they were treating me, it wasn't impulsive at all and very thought out. Moved in with a friend shortly after I kicked my ex out, but when my mother passed away, I stayed with my dad for a while to keep him company, and when I was going to move back to my apartment I was still paying for, my roommates gf moved in, and he kindly asked me to leave. Which was fine, since I could quit my job and have even more money now, and focus on losing weight still. I quit smoking cigarettes when she left. I am about to quit vaping now. I stopped drinking in excess, and for long stints throughout this process for mental clarity and weight loss as well. A few other good things too. Including my personality and confidence coming back a little bit.

While at therapy, they mentioned BPD, and then I thought back and remembered a night my ex had told me she had BPD, but that it wasn't a big deal, showed me some stuff, and said basically it just meant when she was mad she needed space for an hour or two to calm down. I thought 'bipolar disorder' because my mom had that. Long story short - put on SSRI for a bit, but I didn't want it long term and got off at 6 mos. I didn't like how it made me feel just like 'numb'. Both therapist and psychiatrist taught DBT classes and were well versed. I actually had them go through the DSM with me bc I figured if my ex, my mother, and my sister said there was something wrong with me, since I was the common denominator, it must be true. They said they'd never been asked to go through the DSM with a patient before, but wanted to help me get to the bottom of this. I thought, maybe I have BPD, or NPD, or Bipolar, something.

Well, they shut down all of my theories after knowing me for a few months and laughed about how normal I was, and I just had my world fall apart, so of course I was depressed, anxious, and overall not in a great mood. They diagnosed me with MDD and GAD, and said they were both short term, and ultimately during my last sessions, my GP sent me there and they normally do not do longer than like 3-6 mos. therapy, and they spoke and agreed I was in remission, I was fine, and to take some time away from therapy and to reach out for recommendations in the future if I wanted to go back. Anyways, turns out they both agreed that those 3 had problems, not me. They said I was pretty co-dependent, and that I did exhibit some 'dependent personality' traits. But, I was not a narcissist, did not have BPD, or bipolar or anything else. My OCD make me research and question things extensively, which they pointed out also is why I ruminate a lot.

Anyways here's my story. I'll post some more behavioral things of mine/her in the post after this as well to see if anyone else's ex was similar:

It was a 1.5 yr relationship which has been over about that length at this point. She left me out of the blue and at the lowest point in my life, my mother was just diagnosed with stage 4 terminal cancer a month earlier, I was laid off a few months earlier, we had just moved into a new place together under an extended lease a month and a half earlier, and my parents just spent thousands on new furniture for us a month earlier, which she picked out. We saw her parents about a 1.5 months before, and she was telling them how I was the one and was talking about logistical wedding stuff with them. Weren't engaged, but it was pretty much set (or so I thought).


More detailed:

Met at work, she pursued, I actually broke my hand the night before we were supposed to hang out to watch a game with my friends, but wanted to see her and ask her out, so I did with my hand. After asking and her saying yes. I had to get surgery and she was blowing me up asking when i'd take her out. I said soon, I'm recovering right now. She said OK, but ASAP. It evolved quickly (she wanted to keep it quiet at first, I agreed). She moved to my state after college, I believed to be close to her brother who went to school here. We were official after 3 weeks, she asked. Also muttered she loved me within the first month. I said it at about 3 months. We didn’t have sex for the first six weeks, she wanted to, I just couldn’t perform which was unusual, and she would make me feel bad about it. I told her it wasn’t her. Finally we did, and I didn’t have any more problems.

She also met up with an ex when she went to visit family, she told me it was by chance. But I later found out it was planned, and she basically begged to meet (we still hadn’t had sex yet, and she asked me not to sleep with anyone while she was gone, what the heck? And said she wouldn’t either). He basically said if she wanted a night from her past to come over later, she told me she told him she had a bf. She told me all this, and I believed her since she actually told me. But her response via text was ‘I have my parents car. I cant’ I didn’t bring it up for MANY months, I tried to just believe her and get over it. But when something else happened and I did, she deflected and basically turned the conversation around, but said nothing happened and he was just a friend basically.

Everything was on her schedule (erratic work hours), so I’d have to meet her/wait for her, or wait up for her. I was M-F 9-5. If I wanted a night off, she’d beg me to come over or wait for her. At 3 mos. talked about getting me a key to her place. She was out with our coworkers and asked me if she could tell everyone, I said sure. I was tired of hiding. I found out she lied about not being with anyone else from work before me. She backtracked and mentioned someone else, even though they didn’t work there anymore. I got upset she lied, and we argued. I asked her why she lied, and was definitely jealous, mostly because at this point probably 3-4 guys from her past had reached out, and throughout the whole relationship probably 15+. I asked her if this was what she wanted, and that she had to be honest with me. She said she loved me, and wanted us. I was thinking of ending it, and she brought up a sob story about her dad cheating on her mom, and begged me not to leave her, soon after brought up BPD.

4 mos. Talked about me moving in, I said to wait and it was too early. My family liked her. She told me around this time after a night of drinking, that she had BPD, said it embarrassed her and she only wanted to talk about it that night. Showed me the criteria, and videos, asked me if I still wanted to be with her because it scared some guys off. I thought it was bipolar disorder (she only said BPD, not what it stood for), because my mom had that. I told her not to worry about me adandoning her and that I loved her and wasn’t leaving. I said as long as she didn’t cheat, and there wasn’t abuse or anything I wasn’t going anywhere (actually she did hit me 5 or so times in anger throughout the relationship). I finally met her mother at probably 6 or 7 mos. Her parents only came to visit her brother, she said, and I could tell was true. I think she came to meet me. Within a half an hour, she asked me if I had dealt with her daughters rage yet, and said they had a funny nickname for it back home.

I moved in at about 10 mos. Before I moved in, I started having second thoughts, and before the lease was changed to include my name or anything. I suggested we just let her lease run out, and then we could get our own place after that. She gave me an ultimatum and cried as she said if I didn’t want to live with her that was fine, but she couldn’t be with me anymore if so. Said she wanted to see if we were right before getting a new place. I moved in. The day I moved in she started a fight too, about the actual move taking too long.

She got a new job, a M-F 9-5 so we could have more time together, she said, and now we wouldn’t work together anymore either. At about a year or so, her schedule started changing, Later nights at work, drinks with coworkers, dinner with brother, etc. She didn’t have many friends (see next post) so I was all for her making some. But after about a month or so, I just asked her if anything was going on that I should know about? She said no. I said ok, great, at least there isn’t another guy to worry about haha. In a joking manner, she stopped dead in her tracks, and said she could never, would never, and how dare I suspect her of being anything other than loyal, and this as a huge deal. We went to sleep and she broke up with me in the morning. I called out of work, and tried talking to her. begged her, sent flowers apologizing. She let me beg then called me later on saying she couldn’t imagine her life without me. But I was walking on eggshells, afraid anything I said would trigger her especially since I assumed we were on fragile ground.

Around this time she also basically woke up one day and wanted to move to a different state. I was confused but said ok, since I was getting laid off soon anyways. She proposed a hotter state, near her family, I was a bit bigger and joked that I’d have a heat stroke or heart attack if we did that, so we had other options. She agreed with one I proposed and we went to visit, and actually had a great time while there. We were still rocky, but she wanted to sign a lease. Later on she said they contacted her and she put in the wrong routing number, so it must have been a sign not to leave yet. Eventually, to show her I was all in, I asked to start a joint savings account to move to the ‘hotter state’ and buy a home to make her happy. She was happy, said she wanted to be engaged before we moved, and all these other plans. Later on, mentioned another city in her home state thinking it would be even closer. I told her the job market in the other city I agreed to was better, and that was the first place she wanted anyways. She cried saying she thought there was a chance for her homestate still.

I get laid off, and look for jobs in the first state we initially signed a lease for (didn’t find out until later we didn’t get the apartment). Then switch gears to the current state, so now I’m behind, but its ok because I love her, and we’ve got a plan now. We have a busy month with weddings and a new apartment signing, and her brother graduating. She tells me shes so happy and can’t wait to have our own wedding.

Her parents really liked me I thought, but they'd treat me like I had the plague when I pay for lunches with them while visiting because im unemployed. I have money, paid all my bills, and never asked their daughter for a red cent. In fact, when I did ask her to start paying more for like dates (I was $14k in debt at this point, and figured it was time to start splitting), she left me. I had to ask her if I could miss some stuff during her brothers grad because her parents just embarrassed me. I said I get it, but its embarrassing and it makes me feel bad, can I just miss a couple things? She said of course, she apologized, I told her not to, it wasn’t her, or them really, I mean I got it, they’re good people, and it’ll be fine once I get one. Her parents always asked about it, and would like send her stuff to send me, for awful jobs I had no interest in. I asked my friends and family about this, and if it was normal, and they said hell no, they’d be pissed too. It wasn’t their place. Later on, she cited me not going to everything that week as part of the reason she was leaving me. SHE GAVE ME HER CONSENT, AND ACTUALLY, WHEN I SAW HOW ANXIOUS SHE WAS, I SAID SCREW IT, AND I WENT TO 90% OF THE THINGS. ALL I MISSED WAS THE GRADUATION BECAUSE I COULDN’T GET A TICKET, AND I MISSED THE SENIORS NIGHT BEFORE, AGAIN, NO TICKET. I went to EVERYTHING else.

We moved into the new apartment, things were good. Couple weeks later we find out about my mom. GF’s good at first, but I could tell she was stressed. At one point I even said I’d see a therapist to talk about my mom and other stuff, so I didn’t stress my gf out. And her response was ‘you don’t get insurance right away you know.’ My parents buy us all brand new furniture, gf picks them out. She misses a workout class one day during a holiday and has me start a fight with my family, which I lose, and she says she knew shed have to miss it anyways but really wanted to go and didn’t care I just started stuff with my stressed out family for her. but didn’t want her to look bad, so I took the heat.

She had plans to visit her family for a long wknd and tells me she'd been looking up wedding venues, and pricing, etc. puts her head in my lap on the couch, masturbates while making weird eye contact with me, couldn’t have sex because she had another (they were common) yeast infection. I help her finish packing, and she goes to catch a flight for a long weekend away with her family in her state. All ‘I love and miss you’s’ while away.

But, I could tell something was off with her and asked her to call me when she had a minute the day she was coming home, and she said: 'I'm having such a great time with my family, I miss them. And with everything going on with your mom and then needing to be there for your dad afterwards, we won't be able to move for a while. But, let's talk about it when I get home.' Which gave me anxiety, but I figured we'd just talk about ways to make it less stressful.

She comes home, and ends things completely out of the blue. I ask her for a chance, she says ok. She asked about me joining a gym while she was away. I could tell it upset her so I did while she was away. She said it would be good to help with stress, but now I think it was just because she wanted me to lose weight. So the next morning, we get up at the same time, eat, and leave together. I go to the gym, and her to work. We kiss, she smiles as she watches me walk to the gym for the first time in forever. Asks me to go shopping while shes at work, and her friends coming over for dinner, which I thought was weird since we were going through something. But say ok not wanting to stir the pot. She gets home, and I say ill leave for a bit to my parents and give her the apt. she says thank you. I go to my parents and im crying the whole time. She tells me her friends gone and asks what my plan is, I said its always to come home to you. I ask her to cuddle, which she loved, she asked if it was alright if we didn’t, then she said maybe just 10 minutes. I said it was ok, nevermind, and good night.

Woke up the next morning, and she said we shouldn’t put it off, and wanted to break up. I asked her to stay at a friends, she came home after work to get clothes and said a lot (next post), afterwards, she watched me cry on the bed but didn’t console me at all, and when I got up and went to the other room she said ‘well, I should go, my uber is here’ I later found out she went to a work softball game that same night and was having the time of her life.

[Trynadeal]

She said the following when she grabbed clothes, before I started crying in bed:

•   ‘you’re lazy, I hate that couch, im the only one who works and I know you’ve had an unproductive day’ (not true)
•   ‘you should have a job by now, I used to defend you to my parents but that weekend I didn’t’
•   ‘youre wasting away. You don’t get out, I know for a fact you haven’t left the apartment like all week except for a couple times to the store.’
•   ‘ I want someone who’s more active’
•   ‘you should’ve come to more things during my brothers graduation’
•   ‘I can’t even get dressed in my own home because you’re sleeping, and im the only one with a job’
•   ‘im homesick and I miss my family’
•   ‘I haven’t worked out in two weeks, haven’t you noticed?’
•   ‘we haven’t been dating that long, we should still be in the honeymoon phase. Or just getting to the harder part’
•   I mentioned how I had already changed xyz for her, and that I told her it would take time since I was planning on making a complete switch professionally to another industry and she said ‘you shouldn’t need someone to change you either’
•   ‘I missed that workout class, and you knew I needed to go, I was so stressed’
•   ‘I’m emotionally drained’
•   ‘I feel like im alone on an island’
•   ‘you have an alarm on your phone that says make me dinner, and you only have a few times. Do you know how disrespectful that is?’
•   ‘you never go shopping for me, while im working’
•   ‘we’re incompatible’
•   ‘I missed a lot of softball games for your family’
•   ‘I’m not happy, and I knew you weren’t either’
•   ‘I’m nervous if we have to call off the wedding, or if we get divorced’
•   ‘what if we had kids and you didn’t know what to do and got depressed?’
•   ‘I knew you’d never end it, so I had to woman up and do it’
•   I sent her flowers randomly as a thank you for help with me mom when I knew she was stressed and she brought that up and said ‘I didn’t want flowers, I wanted you’
•    ‘I told my friend that from being with you I learned that being in love and being happy are two different things.’
•   ‘people don’t change. Habits don’t change.’

In the aftermath, my friends and family said I should come up with a plan after finding a time to speak with her. and to kick her out, it wasn’t my fault she chose this path, and living together wasn’t an option. Luckily my dad cosigned, so we had leverage there. She said I could live with my (dying) mom and (caretaking) father and she had no where to go. ‘That the next time she was unhappy and depressed in a relationship, she’d be sure to stay. Because who cares about her feelings anyways?’

My friends told me to stop texting her and that she was crazy. I didn’t want to give up but there was nothing I could do. I ignored her as everyone advised, until I met up to discuss everything, which we had a day and time set-up. My friends were going away for the weekend, and made me go. While away she called me and texted me 30-40 times, I didn’t respond. She said I couldn’t keep treating her like this and we needed to talk. I blocked her number while out because my anxiety was so bad. It told her because apparently that also stops sharing location.

She went to the apartment while I was away without telling me beforehand, and social media messaged me and asked where I was and when I’d be home. She did the same thing the next morning. I asked her to stop harassing me, and that id see her the next day like we planned. We met, I gave her the lease and told her she couldn’t live there and was responsible for the termination fees since she made the decision.
I remember a gust of wind picked my shirt up at one point, and she looked at my stomach with utter disgust.

She asked me to make a lease termination agreement, agree to prorated rent for her, and to have it signed by a notary. WHICH WAS BIZARRE CONSIDERING I PAID FOR EVERYTHING AND WAS $14K IN DEBT FROM THIS RELATIONSHIP. But agreed. She deleted me and pictures on social media the weekend I went away, and refriended all of her exes immediately. When we got the thing signed, I took one last shot and asked for a last wknd together, hoping to change her mind. She pretty much said yes, then went back on her word later. Then asked for help moving, I wasn’t at the apt and didn’t. she said it was ridiculous that I wanted another weekend of sex with her (I wanted to win her back), and said ‘how do you think I feel? The woman I love is moving out of our home today.’ She didn’t respond.

She told me when she was done. Next week she finished up, gave me the keys, said I looked great, she looked pretty awful. And said why did it take breaking up for me to change things. I told her I had a lot going on, but asked her for a chance, and she simply didn’t want to give me one, so I was doing it for myself now. She said it didn’t matter and she made her choice. She got me to bring her bag down. Hugged me and left. Never saw her again. She told me when she was leaving, so I asked her to drinks or dinner before she left to say a proper goodbye, and she said ‘I think for now, its better if we don’t see each other, this is already really hard for both of us. I see you’re digging yourself out of that hole, and im really happy for you for that.’

My friends all came over the night she left my city, they knew I was depressed. All said it was the most unprecedented breakup they’d ever heard of, and that she was nuts, and severely mentally ill.

I dropped 15-20 lbs in about 3 weeks from not eating, and actually working out too. I lived off Gatorade for about a week and a half. Ive never experienced a betrayal like this, and at the time she chose to do it. While dealing with this, I still had 11 other things I had to deal with – dying mom, bills with ex, new apartment, new job, unemployment, packing again, cleaning up her messes.

I didn’t respond to anything after the last text she sent, absolutely no responses from me once she left. A week later, she said I could take her part of the electric bill out of her security deposit when I got it. I said no, I needed it before. Few weeks later she asked how me and my mom were. No response, and this is where I stopped playing her game. Then brought up bill stuff (which I had already handled, and we had a notary sign a damn agreement for, so I was legally bound to do it), again the next day after I didn’t respond. Then asked about the security deposit, and emailed the landlord and tagged me at 10pm on a weekend.

The week before that sent me an unsolicited venmo request on the weekend at 9pm requesting money for the bills I had already paid. I replied to landlord email saying I hadn’t received it and asked for a tracking number. I finally got it, I sent her an email detailing the bills as specified before, and even that I got her a refund check for paying after I did, being sent to her parents, and steps to do the same with the other one. Then said she didn’t want to be with me, and if she didn’t notice, to please not contact me again. I sent her the money and declined the other one from her.

A week later my mom died. A friend of hers must’ve told her. I posted times and stuff. She sent me an email that I luckily didn’t see until later, about 5 minutes after the posted time. a donation (from the link we shared in lieu of flowers to a charity) with the email receipt sent to me, saying my mom was great, and shes devastated over her passing. No response from me. A few weeks later a 3 page hallmark card, all about her. so many I’s and Me’s. the whole thing was about her and her devastation. then on the last page said her love for me was real, and if she could take away my sadness she would. That I was strong and resilient, yet emotional, and if anyone could get through this it’d be me. That if I needed to talk to her she was there, but not to feel obligated to communicate with her or even acknowledge receipt of the card if it wasn’t right for me (she wrote that 3 times).


My friends and family said she was manipulative a selfish jerk, she did me a favor, and it wasn’t my fault at all. I said no it’s all my fault, she said so. I feel so stupid still. I haven’t looked at her social media in about 7 mos. She posted pics like multiple times a week after the breakup, which she never did while we were together, more like once or twice a month. Mostly of family, but I saw she was tagged in a few with a former ex. Also a pic of her losing like maybe 10 lbs., and a before and after pic, saying she’s now the happiest physically and emotionally in her life. The before pic was right when she moved back to her state.

I’ve heard stories about her, she took a downgrade/lateral move career wise. She drops snide comments at her beau’s car and things like that. Her friends visited her state, and once she greeted them, she asked if she could borrow their hotel room to have sex with a guy she hadn’t seen in a while, and they said not the beds, she could use the shower, which apparently she did. Which makes me think in order to need to do that she’s either cheating on a guy she lives with, or living with her parents far away? There’s no other reason. I believe she’s with another ‘ex’ although I can’t confirm if they’re still at this point since I haven’t looked. And it wasn’t the ex I suspected. My guess is that kid was smart enough to stay away from her poison this time.

Therapist said im upset because it was at a bad time, a lot of horrible life changes at once, world fell apart. And because of my childhood anxiety (OCD as coping mechanism) that I needed answers, and jokingly said he hated treating smart patients. I said I don’t think im a genius or anything, im just logical, and he said exactly, and that shes the type that ‘if the engine light comes on on the highway, rather than get off, she pulls left into the fastlane until the car breaks down.’ That it was inevitable, and im upset bc my dad made it work with a disordered person, and I didn’t. I grew up thinking I didn’t want a love like my parents, with my mom constantly yelling, threatening divorce, raging at us kids, etc. And he said, I basically dated my ex because she reminded me of my mom and it felt normal and natural to me.  I’ve also tried dating, I met a girl a couple weeks ago who said she loved me on the first date. Lets just say I ran away. I’ve had some success, and sex, but no real connections with anyone. So, while I’m in the rebuilding phase of getting my life on track. I’m continuing to do just that, focusing on myself, loving myself, and getting in shape, and finding the career at the company that’s right for me. I’ll also probably start seeing a therapist closer to wherever I work when I get a job, I think its helpful.

I’m curious to hear if anyone else went through anything similar? This was the most unbelievable thing I’d experienced, and at the time she chose to do it was just callous. No one really gets it, I’ve had relationships, which were normal and the break-ups sucked sure, but after like a month or two max I’d be fine. After this one I was damn near suicidal and felt like such a failure and a loser and that I just lost the best thing that ever happened to me, because of me as she put it. The guilt is eating me alive, even though logically I know (also I’ve researched BPD/NPD extensively) I know its not my fault, its easier to blame myself I guess. But, its killing me and making me feel terrible. Thinking she ran off into the sunset with someone else, while im still picking up the pieces.

I really am truly sorry for the length of this, I just couldn’t stop. Thank you again to all of you kind souls for your help, and I look forward to all of us getting through this together. And please, be as honest and critical as possible! It helps me think from a different perspective.

[Trynadeal]

My bad habits:
•   I was definitely jealous, more than ever before in my life, she thought it was because of her sexual past, and the fact she had sex before me . It wasn’t it was because so many guys would reach out to her and I couldn’t understand why she needed to respond most times. It infuriated me
•   I would argue back sometimes, sometimes she would even say ‘why don’t you fight back’ when I didn’t
•   I looked through her phone which I’d never don’t in a relationship before, but I felt like something was off with the story she told me about her ex, and I guess I was right given her reply. But I still stayed
•   With the job news, and my moms diagnosis, I definitely was depressed, anxious, and nervous. But I still kept it simple with her because I knew she’d lose her mind. So I had to act perfectly in front of her. Of course, some times I got too emotional with news of my mother or losing a job in the final round or something, and she tried, I think anyways, but I like couldn’t really talk to her without feeling judged, or making her stressed, and when I even said I’d see a shrink, she mentioned insurance doesn’t come right away
•   When we agreed I needed to make changes, and I was making them, it was still early, but she still left, and then said ‘people don’t change, habits don’t change’. I stuck with each and every one of them since.
•   I tried to fix everything, I would constantly think of solutions to our ‘problems’ and would come up with ideas to fix them, and she would feign interest but not really try like I would
•   I felt like I was the only one trying to keep it going, always, I would give and give and give, and it wasn’t enough. She’d take and take and take and expect more

Selfish:
•   I mean the breakup
•   Told me she was selfish and knew it
•   Didn’t pay for anything
•   Much more

Hypersensitive:
•   If I said anything, she would take it as a direct attack on her. I actually had to say – you know im not saying anything to be malicious right?
•   I would joke or just playful and if it was something she didn’t like she’d jump down my throat

Impulsivity:
•   I realized after it happened to me, that I was the 3rd person she had left and also moved, and started either a new job or college too. I was her 3rd complete reset in life (at 25 years old)
•   She wanted to move out of nowhere with me one day
•   continuously said she wanted new experiences before having kids
•   left one college and major for another, because while on a trip her parents noticed a jerk girl doing a job, and said she could do that job, so she went into that major, and a different college (dumped a bf to do it too)
•   said she was thinking of breaking up with me early on, because while out with coworkers we knew, it was cold, I suggested we go to another bar as a group, and it was a 5 minute walk. She said she was freezing, and wanted to breakup, because it was my idea, but decided against it because I stayed with her and kept her warm that night
•   so many different jobs. Even while I knew her, she had 3 different jobs

Laziness/Responsibility:
•   When we started dating, she had a half bathroom that she used for dirty laundry, and was inaccessible to use
•   she had dirty plates/cups/containers next to her bed
•   wore same clothes a lot, multiple times. Bra’s especially, she would wash like once ever 3 weeks, maybe
•   sink stacked with dirty dishes
•   apartment overall was an absolute mess
•   being ocd, I tried to help. And when I moved in I couldn’t deal with the filth, and I would do the laundry, and dishes, and take the trash out, clean here and there.
•   Id ask for help, say folding clothes, I would do 8+ hours of laundry at my parents home and bring the stuff home. She would say she’d fold them but wouldn’t and after a few days, or more than a week of her living out of the bags, I would do it and she would later say ‘babe, why’d you do that? I was going to get to it’
•   She made like just enough to pay for rent, utilities, and have like $3 or 400 left over for the month, he parents paid for her groceries, and would take her on shopping sprees, and send her spending money, etc. I honestly don’t think they wanted her to move back home after the breakup, and that’s why her dad reached out to me about the apartment to work with him.

Promiscuity:
•   about 4 mos. In asked randomly if once we were married and committed to each other, that maybe we could have other experiences. i.e. an open relationship down the road
•   my bday, with my friends at a bar, wanted to have sex with me in a very gross, small bathroom
•   I found an old empty 3 pack box of pregnancy tests in the dresser one day when she asked me to get something. Said she’d take one after she had sex with someone for the last time, and they must have been from when she moved here
•   liked having sex with windows and shades open
•   nice hotel room, wanted to have sex with blinds open, imagined people watching, made me uncomfortable, but said it fulfilled so many of her fantasies
•   had a high body count, especially for her age. And that number changed at one point, so I think she lied about everything
•   grabbed my balls while dancing on her birthday next to her coworkers, then was embarrassed she did that in front of them later when I told her later
•   many more stories

Lack of Empathy:
•   the day I asked her out, I had a broken hand, broke it the night before. But postponed doctors because we had plans and it was a big sports day. I asked her out that night. Doctors throughout the week, and had surgery. I kept her informed. She kept pushing for a date and to make sure I remembered asking her. I told her I planned to, but I was recovering and loopy from meds and surgery. Took the week off work, and she kept asking when we’d go out, didn’t care about my hand. I didn’t realize this until after the fact
•   when we found out about my mom. My mom wanted early dinner on a holiday, not a huge holiday, and ex had a workout class. And asked me to ask my family if we could do later. They got angry with me and I took the heat, when they found out later after she left me, that that argument was because of her workout class they lost it. She missed it (and I paid for it, again, while unemployed to keep the peace) went to the same class the next day, and I thought it was ok, but she still blamed that as a reason for leaving me.
•   whenever it was someone elses night. Say the night I found out my mother had cancer and we were all hanging out having a fire, some drinks and talking, my last day or work outing, grandmothers party, friend of mines party, my sisters wedding afterparty, anything that wasn’t solely about her. She’d either become sick with a stomach ache, a back ache, a head ache, or say shes tired. The night of the news of my moms diagnosis, she looked at me and eyed ‘lets go’ I said, can we stay for a while longer I don’t want to leave yet, I need to be here. And she said sure, but then acted like a little off and upset we didn’t leave. If I tried to stay, she’d leave then call and text asking where I was. Or if we stayed, she’d just be a buzz kill and I could tell she wanted to leave. My friends started asking me why we always left early
•   if her parents had a knee surgery or something and were still in pain, she’d say its their own fault they’re not better yet, they should have done xyz
•   same with a friend, or if a friend wanted to do something, she’d complain to me then go out.
•   Wouldn’t give money to homeless people because it’s their own fault

Unworthiness:
•   her mother constantly negged her about her weight, her teeth, her hair, her tan, etc. nothing was good enough. My ex would be on a new diet, or a new teeth whitening regiment every other week. No matter what I said about how I thought she was beautiful

Manipulation:
•   gave me an ultimatum to move in with her or she’d break up
•   had a time table for everything
•   had to move closer to her family or we couldn’t be together as well
•   brought up old arguments even after I’d ask her not to do that because my mom used to do that with me and it wasn’t fair
•   said I talked to my family too much, and we saw them a lot. But it was ok for her to talk to hers a lot because they live in a different state
•   im sure I have a million more

Rage/Abuse:
•   she hit me maybe 5 times throughout the relationship
•   within a half an hour of meeting her mother for the first time, she asked me if I had dealt with her daughters rage yet, and that back home they had a funny nickname for it
•   told me she just had an anger issue, and needed about an hour or two to calm down when she was upset

Self-Hurt/Mutilation/Suicide:
•   used to pick at her nails until they bled, I bought her putty and toys to distract but nothing worked long term. She said it was a nervous tick
•   we were fighting one night, and I slept on the couch, she followed me out and kept talking when I asked for some time. I was on sleep meds and stupidly said she was making me want to jump off the porch, she was shocked and taken back. Next day while my phone was charging and I was cleaning she called a lot. I never heard it. She said when she got home she went in the backyard because we was worried I jumped. (this was about a month from the ending)
•   she’d pick ingrown hairs out of her privates with like a pin, and she’d have a stone cold crazy face making eye contact with me, like it didn’t hurt, it looked excruciating
•   weird with fire once with her hand

Entitlement:
•   I heard her shame workers. Saying ‘who cares, they’re just line level and I’m their boss’
•   Told me she got every job she’d ever applied for (while I was looking for work)
•   Her dad paid her student loans, and missed a payment once, she was livid and cried and called him out worried about her credit, and how she should be happy he pays it, but that it was ridiculous that he forgot (he apologized profusely, and it was like $450 a month that she didn’t need to pay
•   Co-worker who was above her would ask her to do stuff, (which contractually she was obligated to since that person was also her boss), she would try to make them look dumb, and then go to their boss. Laughed about potentially getting her fired for something, I told her not to proceed with what she had planned, and she backed off of that

Past Relationships:
•   Broke up with hs bf (about a year or so) when they unexpectedly went to same college. She met new guys and then dumped him while walking to class. Then went back and asked for lunch money which he gave. And laughed about it as she told me and said her family laughs about him still
•   Slept with ‘a lot of different guys’ that year in her words
•   Bf sophomore year (about a year to year and a half I think), lost his job he was older, had to live with her for about a month, she said he was lazy and dumb, and dumped him when she was moving back to her parents for summer before transferring schools told him that then too. Had a summer fling with a hs flame she rekindled with before she broke it off. He sent her love letters for 9 mos. Which she laughed about to me and said he was pathetic. Also said her family still makes fun of how dumb he was
•   Met a guy on family vacation, long distance, about a year long, neither wanted to move. I think he ended it but she said it was mutual. She met someone else (‘friend’) a month later. Reconnected with her ex and she dumped the new guy for him. Then I believe she dumped the ex this time, and went back to the other guy.
•   Open relationship with that guy after a while. Then dumped him to accept a job in my city.
•   Hooked up with quite a few people in the 8 mos. She lived here before I was even in the picture. Event asked the open relationship guy to date if she moved back, because she didn’t like my city at first, he said no. but she still went to visit him for a couple weekends.
•   Slept with a former hs guy in my city, said nothing happened before here, and she would use him for his air conditioned apartment.
•   Also slept with the open relationship guy and would laugh with her roommates that she was going to an amusement park and could get free passes from him if she slept with him.

Friends:
•   Not many, I didn’t meet a single old friend while we were together. She had a couple from different colleges who lived in other states as well, called them her best friends but they rarely spoke
•   People at work warned me about her, before and after we started dating. Said something was off with her, and they didn’t trust her. My ex said people at work were mean to her for no reason and she didn’t know why. I believed her. At the end, those people told me they knew she wasn’t right, and that people like her don’t change
•   At the end told me I was controlling and wouldn’t let her hang out with her friend more than once a week… when I tried to get her more friends, and was thrilled when she said she was thinking of pursuing another friendship with someone, which only happened once
•   Would complain about  not having friends, so I tried to have her go out with my friends girlfriends, or my female cousins, etc. she made no effort
•   She did have friends before we started dating, mostly from work, but were the crowd I didn’t run with, and she dropped them all once we started. I asked her about them, and she said she just used them for something to do, but didn’t need them anymore since we were together.
•   Had a friend with her the night before I asked her out when I ran into her. I never once saw her again. She was vague about it when id ask, and once said the girl was a slut who fell in love every week and cried when it didn’t work out. Also the girls sister was obsessive about my ex’s brother (whom she briefly dated apparently). The two of them laughed about the two girls when we’d go out

[Cromwell]

Idk what I'm expecting here, but I think I just need to let it all out.

Hi Trynadeal

Welcome, thanks for sharing.

Hope you feel better talking out everything?

Let me know if there is anything I can help with moving forward from here. 

Cromwell