Shared custody son is depressed

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I’m divorced and one child lives with me the other with my ex. Two therapist have said ex is BPD or Narcissist. One therapist was our marriage counselor. Even after being divorced for 5 years old I still struggle not to blame myself for what happened. Recently my s17, who lives with his father, was put in a hospital for a mental health hold for threatening suicide. He had a very well thought out plan. I am struggling with how to help him. He is now in therapy and not suicidal but very depressed. I blame myself for not leaving sooner, for leaving at all and for not fighting harder to retain custody of him. My therapist thought I should tell both children that their dad has BPD. But, I was afraid it could be used against me as attempts at parental alienation or anger my children that I was bad mouthing their dad. I feel guilty that maybe I participated in gas lighting my children by not naming what happened to me as abuse. I know I need to get over my anxiety to be there effectively for my child, but I’m at a loss as to what I can do.
I’m also worried because my ex seems to be using this crisis to increase communication with me. These communications usually have innuendos about how my son’s struggles are my fault. This has become a daily struggle for me to support my son but maintain my distance with my ex for my own well being.

[Getting by]

I’m divorced and one child lives with me the other with my ex. Two therapist have said ex is BPD or Narcissist. One therapist was our marriage counselor. Even after being divorced for 5 years old I still struggle not to blame myself for what happened. Recently my s17, who lives with his father, was put in a hospital for a mental health hold for threatening suicide. He had a very well thought out plan. I am struggling with how to help him. He is now in therapy and not suicidal but very depressed. I blame myself for not leaving sooner, for leaving at all and for not fighting harder to retain custody of him. My therapist thought I should tell both children that their dad has BPD. But, I was afraid it could be used against me as attempts at parental alienation or anger my children that I was bad mouthing their dad. I feel guilty that maybe I participated in gas lighting my children by not naming what happened to me as abuse. I know I need to get over my anxiety to be there effectively for my child, but I’m at a loss as to what I can do.
I’m also worried because my ex seems to be using this crisis to increase communication with me. These communications usually have innuendos about how my son’s struggles are my fault. This has become a daily struggle for me to support my son but maintain my distance with my ex for my own well being.

[ForeverDad]

Just a little more info would help.  What are the parenting schedules like for each of the children?  How much do you see your S17?  The child with you, presumably younger, how much time does Father have with him/her?

If S17 wants to live with you to aid in his recovery, odds are he can do it even if the current parenting order states otherwise.  At his age he could easily "vote with his feet".  Courts usually allow older teens to have some voice in their schedules.  (Besides, if dad contested it, by the time the case got to the court and the court made a ruling, he'd probably already be an adult.)  This is not strict legal advice of course, for that you'd need to consult a local experienced family law attorney, but overall this practical strategy from peer support works.

Don't blame yourself overmuch.  You did the best you knew how at the time.  So focus on the future, take advantage of our time-tested comments, strategies and support. 

[momtara]

Look at all the second, third, and fourth guessing you have to do. You'd like the kids to understand what's wrong with ex, but it can be alienation. Plus, if they repeat it, it could put them in danger. You wish you could have left earlier, but maybe you could have stuck it out, or maybe fought harder. It's maddening, isn't it? I want to give you a hug. It's not you. We are not psychologists and experts. This is a disease that trains the people closest to us (our partners/coparents) to gaslight us without compunction. Please be good to yourself. I wish an experienced therapist could guide you (and older son) better. This is why we need good parent coordinators to help us; unfortunately, many are not good enough, or available.

[Naughty Nibbler]

Getting by:
Don't beat yourself up.  There is a good chance that your son has a genetic predisposition for depression.  Mental illness runs in families.  Sometimes it can skip a generation, but it's common for at least one child of a BPD parent to have mental health issues.  It's thought that BPD can be genetic, environmental or a combination of both.

Interestingly, I've read a few accounts from twins.  One twin is posting about the BPD sibling.  The healthier twin might have their own issues, but have managed their mental health better and doesn't have BPD.

Instead of trying to explain BPD to your children, perhaps you might want to use certain situations as a learning opportunity for them: i.e if the "silent treatment" is used by your ex, you teach your children that it isn't healthy to employ that tactic.  Then, present healthy alternatives for your children & how to handle their emotions in a healthy manner. 

These situations can present opportunities for discussions on some of your ex's bad traits.  Not so you can degrade your ex, but so that your children won't practice the same bad behaviors.  If left unchecked, children can learn poor emotional management traits from a parent.

[Getting by]

Thank you everyone for your response! It’s good to know that others have gone through this. I have custody of my younger son and I like the idea of teaching both boys about healthy behavior without focusing on their dad. I know I sound selfish, but I’m tired of my life revolving around their father’s behavior. I need to remember it’s about them developing healthy life skills.

[livednlearned]

Do you have any concerns that your son might have BPD traits?

[pursuingJoy]

Getting by, just wanted to stop in and say hi.  I can relate. My D16 is diagnosed with severe depression and anxiety and has struggled with SI for about two years, hospitalized for a week after sharing that she had a plan. My ex did communicate with me more during this time, although I felt it appropriate considering the circumstances. I also felt that he blamed me for the state of her mental health. To make things worse, my H handled her SI with anger because his only brother committed suicide and he really hasn't come to terms with that.

I concur with the others - don't be too hard on yourself and be on the lookout for opportunities to  generally address unhealthy behaviors without making it all about their dad. 

How's your son doing? It might sound silly but getting my daughter a puppy did a lot for her depression. Establishing a few friendships was the other thing that really helped.

[mart555]

Both of my kids learned about their mom's BPD when they were 10/14.  It made a huge difference.  My oldest one realized that his mom was the cause of his pain and other issues, due to stress.  I realized the same for my youngest one. We were all walking on eggshells.  My oldest one was super relieved to see that he wasn't the problem. 

I would not hesitate to tell the kids.  So what if it's considered alienation? He's 17. He can do whatever he wants.  He may now realize that he isn't the crazy one.