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How to communicate after a contentious divorce... Following a contentious divorce and custody battle, there are often high emotion and tensions between the parents. Research shows that constant and chronic conflict between the parents negatively impacts the children. The children sense their parents anxiety in their voice, their body language and their parents behavior. Here are some suggestions from Dean Stacer on how to avoid conflict.
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Author Topic: Custody baby - how do i best prepare myself for court  (Read 381 times)
Catan

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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 15


« on: February 10, 2020, 04:23:50 PM »

Hi there,
Its been a couple of months since I left the family home with our son.  It got to the point, where I become really scared of my ex UBPD behaviour.  He was becoming increasingly irrational and volatile and was making up some outrageous claims.  I just was fearful of him coming home from work.  The verbal/emotional abuse was awful.

Fast forward a couple of months:  It is only now I realise that leaving my ex last year, was the first step of many.  he has done his best to play victim, alienate me from any mutual friends by telling them i'm mentally ill etc.  Anytime I give him contact with our son for a couple of hours, my ex always come back with a couple of criticisms of what I am doing wrong.  I do my best to juts ignore.   

I am desperately trying to move on and start a new chapter, however he is now trying to get 50 50 custody of our son (who will be two in a couple of months).   Our son isn't even 2 yet. 

I am scared.  My ex is a master manipulator and is also a lawyer (ableit not a family one).  He is charismatic, and very believable - its only behind closed doors that the mask falls.   Hence, i'm super scared of the court process and all the lies he will be saying to try and show that im an unfit.  I have read a lot on this forum about peoples experiences, and I would welcome any more tips for custody battle in the family courts for a baby with someone who is intent on destroying your character, even if it means making up things etc.  How can I best prepare myself for what is to come, how can I protect myself from his ongoing lies?

Please note, I am not against my son having contact with his father.  But given my ex condition, anger/rage issues etc, I would want to remain the primary care giver.
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ForeverDad
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: separated 2005 then divorced
Posts: 18072


You can't reason with the Voice of Unreason...


« Reply #1 on: February 10, 2020, 11:24:19 PM »

Take a few deep breaths, best not to catastrophize since seldom does it become as bad as we fear.  Our posts are filled with our hard-won experiences, here in peer support we accumulated a great deal of collective experience and wisdom, what usually works and what typically doesn't work.  Feel free to use the search function on the menu bar to scan this Family Law board or review the recent pages to view similar "what do I do now" queries.

First, it sounds like you have majority parenting time currently, right?  Well, many states are reluctant to force big changes in the care of the children unless there is basis to do so.  So you probably can remain the primary parent.  Generally that means you can keep majority time.  There are a few states that are starting to default to equal time or Shared Parenting but in such cases you could use the history of misbehaviors — moreso the parenting misbehaviors than the adult conflict — that could make a difference in a court's decision.

My state gave my then-spouse initial default preference.  Although she was charged with Threat of DV, she walked out with temp custody and parenting orders firmly in her favor.  However it didn't last after the final decree two years later (in 2008) since her behavior during the divorce process sure didn't help her.  Due to multiple returns to court (court seems to prefer incremental improvements hoping less change is better, thus the returns can be necessary) I've had full legal custody and majority time since 2014.

Most of our ex-spouses appeared to be expert manipulators too but the emotionally compelling claims had less and less impact as time went on.  We counter that chaos and exaggeration with what makes a difference with court and professionals... documented incidents and behavior patterns.  They are not inclined to seek out mental health diagnoses so that's what most of us focused on.

Here is a small excerpt from one of my recent posts, follow the quote link so you can read the entire thread.
Do you have "Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder" by William Eddy & Randi Kreger?  He is a lawyer, social worker, mediator, lecturer, author, etc.  That book is crucial for you to read.

It describes the attorney you need:  proactive, experienced, familiar with both negotiations and trial cases, able to suggest an assortment of strategies that are practical and time tested...
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MeandThee29
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Relationship status: Divorced
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« Reply #2 on: February 11, 2020, 08:20:01 AM »

I didn't have custody issues, but I found out that your choice of attorney is critical. Mine had quite a "presence" and worked very hard to keep a slight edge throughout the negotiations. He always had a good sense of how to present things and what to do. At one point there was a very odd turn that he decided to go with that ultimately brought it to settlement.

It was a relief to just let him handle things and to step back. He's retired now, but I came away thinking that there probably wasn't anything that he couldn't handle.
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livednlearned
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« Reply #3 on: February 12, 2020, 07:54:45 AM »

How much time does your son spend with his dad, and how long has it been like that? Does he seem to spend 50/50 time parenting?

My ex was also an attorney (former trial lawyer). This site helped me end up getting full custody of my son. There are some aspects of divorcing a lawyer that are hard, but many things that can work in your favor, too.
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Breathe.
Catan

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Posts: 15


« Reply #4 on: February 12, 2020, 04:20:36 PM »

Thanks for all of the response.  It really helps - I do have a tendency to catastrophize.  I'm sure it is somewhat related to the fact that my ex made so many threats while we were together and they felt so real.

We currently sees our son 1.5 days our of 7.  He hardly spent any time with him when we were together.

My ex is doing his best to still have power/control over me even though we are no longer together. He has made the threat about going to court to get 50 / 50 access.  He is doing his best to come across as the responsible father, yet will attack me whenever he sees the opportunity.    

He is a very skilled manipulator, and I've seen him be really awful to people before who didn't agree with him, or who he felt were "wrong".  He knows how to play the system, even in the face of facts that dispute what he says.  

I just hope the courts put ours babies needs first, and take into account my exs volate behaviour.
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« Last Edit: February 12, 2020, 04:29:11 PM by Catan » Logged
worriedStepmom
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner’s ex
Posts: 1157


« Reply #5 on: February 12, 2020, 04:55:05 PM »

One of the best things that you can do right now (besides get a good lawyer), is document everything.

-Keep all text messages and emails from your ex.
-If possible, record all phone conversations with him (or just don't have phone conversations and do everything through text/email).  If you can't record, write a summary of the conversation as soon as it is over.
-Document exactly when ex has your child.  Is he late?  Does he bring back S early?
-Document exactly how involved ex is AND how involved you are.  Who brings S to doctor appointments?  Who attends parent night at day care? Etc
-Document external things that you know happened.  Has ex badmouthed you to anyone?  Has he tried to interfere in anything?  Has he tried to involve third parties in your life (e.g., CPS, etc)?

You can use a paper notebook or a Word document online or even a calendar to keep a lot of your documentation.

I periodically sort all of our documentation.  I have a file labeled "Negative things ex says about  H", and once a quarter or so I'll pull out all of the texts or emails that fit that category and copy them into my file (with the date/time stamp).  I have a lot of files with various headings like that.  H's L was thrilled when she saw that I could easily say "In the last 3 months, ex has sent XXX texts to H that say negative things about him, YY texts to h that say negative things about me, etc" rather than just saying "ex is an emotionally abusive meany".  (It also saved us money, having done all this work ourselves.)

Your ex may be a manipulative charmer.  If he has BPD, though, he isn't going to be able to help but show his true colors at some point.  The more you document, the better.

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ForeverDad
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: separated 2005 then divorced
Posts: 18072


You can't reason with the Voice of Unreason...


« Reply #6 on: February 12, 2020, 10:44:40 PM »

Keep your documentation in a safe place where the ex does not have electronic or physical access.  Some here have related how their ex broke into a locked briefcase, a locked trunk and office.

Beware of being conned into destroying your own records.  You know that a few moments or even days of seeming insight doesn't last, eventually the conflict resumes and then where is your documentation?

Also, you do not have to reveal to your ex that you have documentation.  That is, you are not required to 'confess' protecting yourself or your interests.  No court will require you to say something that could make you look bad.  In other words, you have a right to remain silent.  Of course, follow your experienced lawyer's advice.

Verify that this is accurate for your state, but I've understood that journals (diaries, calendars, etc) are better than the typical vague and unsubstantiated "he said, she said".  Generally you would have written details such as dates and times, witnesses, locations, what happened, etc.  Another benefit is that these documents can't be subpoenaed, I think.  That was a relief for me since sometimes I wrote things that I later decided I didn't want disclosed in court.  Even so, try your best to write your journal entries as though the judge and lawyers were looking over your shoulder.  That's not the place to vent and curse.

At the end of my legal struggles (in late 2013 where I succeeded in getting majority time) I had to refer to my annual calendars, my 'journals', to "refresh my memory" on certain dates while on the stand.  My lawyer assured me they couldn't snatch them to browse through them.
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KingofTexas37891

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« Reply #7 on: March 15, 2020, 06:26:26 AM »

I do not see the issues OP described as a big deal upon which a Court will deny a father joint legal custody. As a lawyer he has a legal advantage to use the court system to his advantage.

If he is a working lawyer, he is probably not going to ask for 50/50 physical custody but just some parenting time.

It might help to go to monthly co-parenting classes together where you do role plays and there are other ex couples.
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