Snatching me up off the ground - now I have a lumbar compression fracture - 2

[Frankee]

This thread was split from this discussion:https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=342655.30

The hard reality of my situation is I am drowning.  I am struggling to support myself and he has been helping me.  I talked to the doctor and a counselor for DV.  They suggested I reach out to the local crisis center and talk with them again.  I feel that I have already tapped out that route.

One of the reasons I worry about losing his job is losing part of my financial stability.  It worries me not being able to pay the bills.  I am hoping the victim compensation through the website will help.  

I feel indifferent about the shelter.  I didn't exactly have the best experience and I always was worried about doing something to get ejected and actually did get get ejected.  That wasn't a healthy situation either.

Part of me has been trying to accept the fact I might have to leave my current town and go the next one over.  It's hard when this place has felt like home more than anywhere in a long time.  Then the reality is that may be my only choice to put distance.  

My doctor said a couple times that I was lucky, but not.  Because I am younger, the fracture wasn't as bad as if I was an elderly woman.  She said, you're lucky that it wasn't worse where he could had broken your back or caused serious spinal injury.  That scares me and I have been doing a reassessment of my actions recently.  

I have giving way to much benefit of a doubt.  Reading I Am Redeemed's replies as well as everyone else's who agree are undeniable that I haven't been putting my safety first.  I know I need to stop what I am doing. I have been letting my guard down, been becoming less on my toes, trying to see the good.. I know that I still care for him and deep down don't wish bad things for him.  I just need to step back and start putting my safety first.

[formflier]

Is there a child support agreement in place?

Best,

FF

[I Am Redeemed]

That's what I was wondering, too. Child support is a means of getting help from him for the kids without unnecessary contact.

I think perhaps accepting financial help from him in an unofficial manner might be causing you to feel obligated to have more contact than is healthy or safe at this point.

One of the main ways I have been able to support myself was to use some of my student loan money for living expenses. I didn't really want to do that but it was a necessity.

It couldn't hurt to call the crisis center and see if they can direct you towards any resources.

[Frankee]

I have been talking to my girlfriend, trying to stay strong.  I am pressing charges.  I talked to a lady at the police station and she gave me the name of the detective that is working my case.  I'm going to contact him this week about what to expect. 

I know deep down that he needs to face the consequences.  It was his actions, his choices.  I am trying to ignore the guilt feeling of him potentially losing his job, going to jail for however long.  I worry about what I am going to tell the boys when they realize they haven't seen him.

There is not any current child support agreement.  it is actually getting to a point where I'm not worried about finances.  I feel that I have slipped into this funk.   With my back being hurt it has restricted a lot of things I can do.  I am just now starting to feel semi-normal.  I still have to be careful because I can tell it starts to ache if I don't take breaks.

It took a minute to shake off the hazy feeling I've been having, but there is still the truth.  He put me in the hospital.  He got so out of control, so angry, that I was severely hurt.  Even almost two weeks later, I am still having to suffer.

I have thought of reaching out to the crisis center again.. but I still feel burned from the last time I dealt with them.  I don't trust them 100%.  I don't want to go back to the shelter because I refuse to live in constant fear of doing something wrong and ending up out on the streets again.

[formflier]

Let's flip this.

Frankee,

It would help me understand if you can make a persuasive "argument" a couple of sentences long that NOT having a child support agreement in place is a wise course of action.

Best,

FF

[Frankee]

Let's flip this.

Frankee,

It would help me understand if you can make a persuasive "argument" a couple of sentences long that NOT having a child support agreement in place is a wise course of action.

Best,

FF

To clarify, if making an argument for not having child support in place currently is because we were doing better.  We were talking, getting along, we had a mutual understanding/agreement.  Looking I'm hindsight.. was a pretty stupid decision on my part because I know him and his patterns.

Having child support in place would be the better course of action.  It has been made quite clear to me that having an unofficial arrangement for finances has not played out in my benefit.  It has turned me into becoming dependent on how things are going between us.

Lesson learned again.  It has become crystal clear that no matter if I am with him or not with him, everything has to be in black and white.  Gray areas and unofficial agreements have only got me severely hurt.. yet again. 

I have to stop allowing my heart and feelings guide me in dealing with him.  I have always wanted to see that there is good in people and that everyone deserves a chance.. well, difference between a chance and unlimited chances.  He burned his last one putting me into the hospital.  I have to stay strong and know I can handle whatever comes next

[Waddams]

I haven't seen it mentioned in the thread explicitly but it seems that:

• Incident happened, you were seriously injured.
• ER documents injuries, begins treatments, case was referred to police.
• I'm assuming that they prepared a police report, it's being investigated, referred to a detective, etc. as you say you have a case number for this all.
• What happens next is the police eventually finish the investigation and either do or don't refer it to the DA. The DA then looks and decides if they think they can successfully prosecute. If they think they can, they file for the arrest warrant, it gets signed, they refer to the cops, and the cops go arrest the suspect.
• Suspect is processed, charged, arraigned, etc. Probably a hearing somewhere for bond.
• May or may not be conditions set on suspect regarding contact with you, the kids, etc. I do not believe they address child support in a criminal prosecution like this as a matter of standard practice.
• Eventually trial happens, he's convicted or not, etc.
• Then he's sentenced, and it's off to serve the sentence.
• Given the serious nature of the injury as well as the previous history, I imagine he's looking at jail time.

What hasn't been discussed anywhere relating to child support - usually that requires a family court order, or a civil order as part of a restraining order. If you are going to get it, you'll need to file something asking for it. What might be appropriate at this point is to go file for a restraining order, shouldn't be too hard to get it approved. Put him on supervised visitation with the kids, and otherwise no contact with you. You might also be able to get a temporary support order as part of the restraining order.

Next, I gotta stress this - is a family court filing (divorce or if you're already divorced some motion to adjust the divorce orders) that addresses the rest of your needs. The violent incident, the injury, a new restraining order, his potential arrest and the fallout - it's all a big material change in circumstances that can warrant a order from family court for support, garnishment, seizing assets, etc. for use by you in your support of yourself and the kids. You'll likely need a lawyer. If you can't afford it, at least go to a local DV shelter that has an "advocate" on staff that can help you through the process Pro Se.

Nothing means you have to finalize a divorce if you aren't ready, but getting all your ducks in a row and now while he's in as weak a position legally as he'll ever be is the safest and best thing you can do for yourself right now. The restraining order will also factor into the criminal case and any other family court case that gets filed.

So all that said - if you don't have one, go find legal counsel ASAP. It will be hard, emotional, and exhausting, but you need to do this as part of rebulding yourself back up as you continue to rebuild the "this won't happen to me again" strength you need in your character if you really want to get this kind of violence and abuse out of your life.

[Rev]

I have to stop allowing my heart and feelings guide me in dealing with him.  I have always wanted to see that there is good in people and that everyone deserves a chance.. well, difference between a chance and unlimited chances.  He burned his last one putting me into the hospital.  I have to stay strong and know I can handle whatever comes next

Frankee - I'm not going to say anything more because you have such good advice here. I will continue to pray - let the light in you kindle a fire …. and that your heart does in fact listen to your rational self that is getting more rational by the post. You've already come such a long way just here. I am sure the same is happening elsewhere.

Just when you think all may be lost - think again - as in continue to re-think and re-think.  Every trial in your mind all the while making sure that you stay safe will only mean that you are getting smarter. 

Peace and light be yours.

Rev

[Cat Familiar]

Waddams brings up some excellent points.

Legal matters are not do-it-yourself projects if you’re dealing with a high conflict partner.

I tried that with my abusive ex husband and I thought we could do a collaborative divorce. Next thing I knew, he had hired the attorney in town who had the reputation of being a pit bull for her clients, and was she ever!

I understand the feeling of having given an ex more chances than they deserve. It’s just human nature to hope that a partner we once loved and still care about could turn their lives around and behave honorably. But it didn’t happen with my ex. He’s still wreaking havoc and leaving destruction in his wake. I’m just glad that he lives on the opposite coast.

You’ve come so far, Frankee and you’re seeing things clearly. I know it’s hard to watch our ex’s experience the consequences of their behavior, but we cannot continue to rescue them forever.

It’s up to him to man up and accept responsibility for his behavior. He may not do it willingly, but the law might hold him to account.

[Turkish]

To clarify, if making an argument for not having child support in place currently is because we were doing better.  We were talking, getting along, we had a mutual understanding/agreement.

So were my ex and I when she was living with us and living her double life. She wanted to do a handshake agreement regarding custody and CS. No way in hell, I thought to myself. 

Despite the court order and stipulation, she still owes me $3k in shared medical expenses that I'll likely never see, and we have a decade to go. Yet an order that forbids either of us taking of with the kids with no recourse for the other parent is the main thing. In your case, that is the most basic protection, yet you have so much more to deal with.  Getting your ducks in a row as Waddams says is sage advice. 

[Rev]

So were my ex and I when she was living with us and living her double life. She wanted to do a handshake agreement regarding custody and CS. No way in hell, I thought to myself. 

My separation involved other things - but she wanted a handshake deal. She called my going through a lawyer "aggressive".  Such that a pwPBD has is so insecure.  Anything worth doing is worth putting writing.

Rev

[Turkish]

I pulled out the stops on the communication tools here to convince her that it protected all of us.  I also told her we could serve by mail to minimize shame and that going to court wasn't necessary (she didn't want to do that). I had retained a lawyer.

In Frankee's case, this has escalated beyond the point that he can be included in the process like that. 

[Rev]

I pulled out the stops on the communication tools here to convince her that it protected all of us.  I also told her we could serve by mail to minimize shame and that going to court wasn't necessary (she didn't want to do that). I had retained a lawyer.

In Frankee's case, this has escalated beyond the point that he can be included in the process like that. 

Makes total sense...