Doing what's best for my child - advice

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Hello,

I know only I can decide this, but I welcome others' insight because I'm knee deep in this and my emotions might be getting the best of me.  I am trying to figure out what is best to do for my D11 but also make sure I'm not making a mistake legally.

Background is exH signs up daughter for activities in violation of the parenting plan.  For years.  I have worked with my L, who says it puts me in a very bad position (makes me the bad guy) and to let it go.  It kept happening, I went to mediation, the mediator told me OMG you HAVE to file contempt ASAP.  Any judge would look at his emails and know what is going on (he would write, e.g., D9 knows I support her and you don't...).  My L advised me to wait until child support was finished, which dragged on for almost 12 months.  It's done and I am dragging my feet on it for many reasons, including the cost, the conflict, and that my dad was ill for months and then passed away.  So I have lots of "valid" reasons to procrastinate.

So here's where I am now.  Once again, there is out of town travel with the activity he signed her up for.  I really can't afford to pay hotel and travel costs.  He won't pay for her hotel if I take her.  He has offered to take her, switch weekends with me.  I don't want to deny her a positive experience and we don't have other plans that weekend.  It's not like he really has the money to do this, he owes back taxes, school tuition, credit card debt, etc., but somehow he can always borrow more. He doesn't pay for an activity we agreed on before the divorce, so now I pay it all and have for years. 

I feel like I truly don't know the best thing to do for D11.  Let her go with her dad so she can experience this and have a good time?  Tell her I can't afford it and keep her home so she understands the realities of life?  I really am at a loss and don't want to hurt her, but also feel like this situation just encapsulates so much of the frustration and pain I experience when interacting with exH.  If I let her go with him, will it affect legal deliberations when I file for contempt?  I don't think so, but am not sure.

[Ulysses]

Hello,

I know only I can decide this, but I welcome others' insight because I'm knee deep in this and my emotions might be getting the best of me.  I am trying to figure out what is best to do for my D11 but also make sure I'm not making a mistake legally.

Background is exH signs up daughter for activities in violation of the parenting plan.  For years.  I have worked with my L, who says it puts me in a very bad position (makes me the bad guy) and to let it go.  It kept happening, I went to mediation, the mediator told me OMG you HAVE to file contempt ASAP.  Any judge would look at his emails and know what is going on (he would write, e.g., D9 knows I support her and you don't...).  My L advised me to wait until child support was finished, which dragged on for almost 12 months.  It's done and I am dragging my feet on it for many reasons, including the cost, the conflict, and that my dad was ill for months and then passed away.  So I have lots of "valid" reasons to procrastinate.

So here's where I am now.  Once again, there is out of town travel with the activity he signed her up for.  I really can't afford to pay hotel and travel costs.  He won't pay for her hotel if I take her.  He has offered to take her, switch weekends with me.  I don't want to deny her a positive experience and we don't have other plans that weekend.  It's not like he really has the money to do this, he owes back taxes, school tuition, credit card debt, etc., but somehow he can always borrow more. He doesn't pay for an activity we agreed on before the divorce, so now I pay it all and have for years. 

I feel like I truly don't know the best thing to do for D11.  Let her go with her dad so she can experience this and have a good time?  Tell her I can't afford it and keep her home so she understands the realities of life?  I really am at a loss and don't want to hurt her, but also feel like this situation just encapsulates so much of the frustration and pain I experience when interacting with exH.  If I let her go with him, will it affect legal deliberations when I file for contempt?  I don't think so, but am not sure.

[kells76]

Hi Ulysses;

Yup, sounds like the kids' mom. Lots of expecting us to just do whatever she signs the kids up for; really no dialog or back-and-forth (or compromise).

Does this activity run year round? Or will the season end soon? If it ends soon, or if you can find a stopping point in the year (i.e. end of school year/start of summer break), maybe you can build your decision point around that.

What would it be like if you sent an email saying something like "I agree to this one-time weekend swap so D11 can go do XYZ." BIFF, just to cover the immediate issue. Then work with your L on a longer term plan for setting the rules around activity signups.

Even if you can't get a new legal document handling activity signup/participation, I wonder if giving your D a heads up about the future would help: "Hey D, I'm glad you got the opportunity to do XYZ. I see you like it, so it will work to [finish the season], [play through the end of school], [whatever]. I just wanted you to know that (not sure if you should explain you can't afford it?) once that wraps up, what I'm able to do for you is just activity ABC, not ABC and XYZ both. Any questions for me?"

Would that go somewhere?

Also, is there documentation of the pre-divorce agreement that xH would pay for activity ABC?

...

I get the frustration. I know how "on the outside" it looks like not that big of a deal, but it's really about how the exes treat the parents and stepparents with contempt and zero consideration -- like we're not equals to them.

[Panda39]

I hate these kinds of games, I totally recognize this type of behavior  

A couple of thoughts - is this something your daughter wants to do?  It is beneficial to her?  Does her dad follow thorough and actually do what he says he will? (My Partner's uBPDxw would send their daughter to dance class once and never follow through on the rest) How does your ex behave around her? Do you feel she is safe with him?

If this is something your daughter is interested in and beneficial to her, and dad is paying for it, they have a good time doing it, and it is one weekend, then I would say yes to trading weekends but be sure you get your extra weekend before the trip.  Get all of this in writing via email.  (If you are not already documenting your ex's requests/pressure for time with your daughter on your time start doing so - use BIFF (Brief, Informative, Firm, Friendly) in other words short and sweet. "No I'm sorry that's my weekend with D and we already have plans that day" No you don't have to tell him your plans...none of his business...No is a complete sentence.)

I know it's game play and it sucks, but it's also about what is best for your daughter.  Your ex is trying to engage you in conflict by pushing your buttons.  I would try and stick to your custody agreement as much as possible but always weigh what is in the best interest of your daughter above who's weekend it is.  Courts look at the best interest of the child above the conflict of their parents.  I'm not saying role over every time he wants your daughter on your time just pick your battles.

Panda39

[GaGrl]

With Ex not following through on the original activitybpayment, and the conflict over the current activity, it becomes more than a question of a one-time weekend trip. It sounds as if you could take the activity hoices, sign-ups and payment responsibility to mediation of court as a stand- alone issue.

D11 is approaching her teens, and there will be many, many more activities to sort through. Better to settle it now.

[livednlearned]

Tell her I can't afford it and keep her home so she understands the realities of life?

What would you say?

How would she respond to this?

[scraps66]

What would you say?

How would she respond to this?

In this very situation right now having spent $1500 on an activity that S15 likes, the first for me, but mother will not pay.  Claims she pays for lots and not paying - the lots is only activities done at her house undiscussed with me and that I cannot participate in, get satisfaction from, etc.

I have pondered doing this reaction - my guess is ex would move heaven and earth to come up with the money for the out of town activities to be done on his time.  It would be made known to daughter that daddy was supporting her.  He wouldn't even have to say mom was not.

It does depend a lot on daughter's condition.  I have told my S15 that his mother was not paying and that he may not be able to continue.  He is still hateful and has no idea that I am telling the truth.  He is very alienated so this tactic does not work and is actually counter productive.  It is the classic "lose-lose" position created by the BP.

[worriedStepmom]

If he's violating the parenting plan I would definitely take him to court for that.

My D14 plays a sport that requires, for now, a three-day travel weekend (over Easter, blech).  I talked to her dad about it in advance and he agreed she could play.  I pay for the sport.  Ex takes her to the local tournaments on his weekends.  I take her on the travel weekend, so ex gets one-on-one time with S10.    It works well for us so far, but only because we are in agreement about it.    D14 is *very* clear that this activity impacts both of her families, and so both parents get an equal say.  She doesn't think less of dad for not going to the out-of-town tournament.

For me, too, it makes a difference how passionate the kid is about the activity.  9 is young for out-of-town tournaments, and a little young for making a decision on just how much they want whatever the activity is. 

[mart555]

I feel like I truly don't know the best thing to do for D11.  Let her go with her dad so she can experience this and have a good time? 

How is her relationship with her dad?  If the dad is BPD, travel out of town may turn out to be a stressful situation for her... 

[Ulysses]

Thanks everyone for the input and questions.  My February got pretty wild with illnesses in  my family, including me, so posting here got away from me. 

My exH changed his mind and told me he would pay for a hotel so I could take my D to the tournament.  It ended up I was sick and couldn't, so she went with him.  Funny how things sometimes work themselves out. We traded a weekend, too. 

Before I got sick, and before exH changed his mind, I did talk to my D11 about the fact that I can't afford to pay for hotels and go out of town for tournaments (they happen a few times a year).  I think she understands, and it is reality, so I hope I'm supporting her in understanding how life works. 

Whether she is passionate about this activity?  Hard to say.  She seems to enjoy it, and she is pretty good at it, and it's healthy for her to do it.  ExH, however, has been promoting it with her for years  now, and I think it's hard to say sometimes what her feelings are.  He had her make a list a few years ago about what she likes about the sport and why I should "let" her do it, and he told me a few years ago that she wants to be a professional BB player when she grows up, so I should "support" her in this sport (I do support her, I just was not comfortable with the first group she played with, which he finally agreed wasn't a good fit for her, and I don't agree a 9 year old should be playing sports 6 hours/week, 4.5 of which are on weeknights).  ExH is very adept at influencing people's desires.  Sounds Svengali-like but sometimes being with him leaves a person unsure of their own desires, and I've seen it with my daughter in other areas.

I think travel with him may not seem stressful to her, but I do notice she seems almost out of control or "wild," especially when she was younger, after she is with him.  I found a 1/2 empty (full) bottle of airplane whiskey in her backpack after they went to Disneyland (yes, informed her counselor and my attorney).  I guess he had put it there because he didn't have a bag?  So he's not the safest parent, but nothing he does really rises to the level of the court thinking he's dangerous.  Although that may not be totally true now that I have emails from him that the mediator told me show he tries to alienate me from my daughter.  So I do think I need to carve out time to file contempt but I put it on the back burner because it's unpleasant and it's expensive.

Is she safe with him?  Well, when they were coming back from the tournament, they stopped at a nursing home to pick up the stepmother's father and take him to the ER.  (Of course this was not told to me, I had to ask exH what he meant by, "had an issue with stepmother's father and please pick up D11 later than agreed-upon time").  I am in the center of the Corona Virus outbreak, and the hospital they took my daughter to had a corona virus patient at the time.  The home and the hospital are in the same city as me, and they could have dropped my daughter off with me instead of having her sit at a hospital for hours, or asked me to pick her up.  ExH told me it was ok because she wasn't in the ER, she waited in the hospital lobby where there was a fountain and a gift shop. Unbelievable. A couple of days after that, our state dept of health instructed people to not go to  nursing homes and not go to hospitals unless absolutely necessary, and then stay 6 feet from others.