Advice needed

[Parents! Get help here!]

I'm supporting my daughter,aged 25, over the phone,as we live some distance away. She has recently been diagnosed with BPD but has received no help from services as yet. She's just about managed to hold down her job so far as a children's nurse. Constant 'blips' though, at work and with her personal life. She's currently in crisis most evenings, threatening self harm.and suicide. She now lives alone.
I don't know what to do or say to help her. I feel in bits myself but try and stay calm. Any advice?

[Sadiestar]

I'm supporting my daughter,aged 25, over the phone,as we live some distance away. She has recently been diagnosed with BPD but has received no help from services as yet. She's just about managed to hold down her job so far as a children's nurse. Constant 'blips' though, at work and with her personal life. She's currently in crisis most evenings, threatening self harm.and suicide. She now lives alone.
I don't know what to do or say to help her. I feel in bits myself but try and stay calm. Any advice?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[wendydarling]

Hello Sadiestar and welcome  

You've come to right place, I'm glad you've reached out for support. Being so far away is hard, as must be waiting for support from services your daughter needs now.

Keeping calm, just listening is reassuring, and may provide space for her to regulate her emotions, that's the goal. While my daughter lives with me I think the most powerful thing I said that stuck with her when in her deepest pain (2015), is we will get through this together, you are not alone, there is help out there. And there was.

Sadiestar, what helped my DD (dear daughter) where you are now, is the crisis team, they bridged the gap between waiting for services. Has your DD been referred for now, been in touch with her local crisis team?

Do you have support from family, friends?

You are not alone, we are walking with you.

WDx  

[Sadiestar]

Hi Wendydarling,
Thanks for your kind and thoughtful reply. It means so much to me that somebody is there and understands what we're going thru.
My daughter has been in touch with the crisis team and has been very assertive this week in trying to fast track an appointment with the specialist practitioner which I think she has achieved. I'm so proud of her for how well she is managing in many ways but scared to because of the many,many problems, such as spiraling debt and the awful self loathing she often feels.
It's tempting for me to try and want to fix things/advise/lecture her on stuff but I can see this doesn't help at all and calm listening is the answer.
Her belief systems and thoughts just seem so distorted at times and don't reflect reality. I don't think she will be able to keep her job in the end,as they are being so good and giving her so many chances. It's like I have to fight beside her and this is what you seemed to say in your message.
Thank you. I do have other family and friends but my wider family are only now realising the extent of the problems and the toll it's taking on our everyday lives...my daughter who is so unwell, her sister,me and her dad who are trying so hard to support.
Once again, thanks. I appreciate your advice so much. X

[FaithHopeLove]

I sense great pain in your postSadiestar but also great wisdom. You are walking alongside your daughter with acceptance and empathy which is the best any of us can do. The fact that she is actively seeking help is a great sign of hope.
 

[Done-er Stepdad]

It's not your fault and you can't fix this.

At one point, I considered tattooing that on my hand.

[Sadiestar]

Reading through everybody's experiences is just like re-living the last 10 years with my D. I never imagined other people had had to put up with similar stuff to me. I honestly thought we were the only ones who ended up in these crazy rows, scrapes, 'scenes' and situations.

[FaithHopeLove]

You are definitely not alone.

[wendydarling]

Hi Sadie

Sorry for my late reply. I took an unexpected detour, time out up north to be with my elderly (94) Mum who had a downturn, was hospitalised. She’s ok, today!  

Proud Mum indeed, it is heartening to hear your daughter is reaching out, advocating for herself is success. And when things don’t go her way, or quickly enough, or people are not listening (which will happen, part of the process) you can validate her.

It is certainly tempting to want to ‘fix’ things that are not ours to fix can be felt, by some as piling on what they maybe already are struggling with. We often talk here about the difference between fixing/enabling v what support looks like. There is a great workshop here. I often check in with myself. 1.02 | Are you supporting or enabling?
 

That’s lovely to hear your DD’s employer has been good and given your DD the chances she deserves. That said it can be devastating to lose one’s job, livelihood, independence. Do you think your DD accepts she maybe too unwell at the moment to deliver and that’s ok? My DD worked for two years while she was in crisis, living at home, working from home, paying her rent. She eventually reduced her hours to help her cope, became freelance as she was unable to consistently deliver to deadlines. It was hard to watch. She was very ill and despite that she was desperate to keep her life going, which I often read here. DD gave her job up at the end of the two years, having just returned from a month's rest in a Women’s Crisis Home (a step short of hospitalisation). The message to my DD was its ok to STOP, stop and stand still and place her health, herself first and focus on getting well. She felt immediate relief, it was the turning point for her. At the time she was 6 months into weekly DBT. It was the best decision for her, me too! There is a video (McLean Hospital if I recall correctly – I’ll try dig it out) where they recommend continuing work, college while in treatment, unless hospitalised. I get that. The fact is my DD was ‘hospitalised at home’, like many are. It was the right decision for her, firstly because she was so unwell (no brainer), secondly work was clearly adding to her distress and taking her away from spending 100% of time and motivation to slowly make her way to remission through treatment. I hope my share is helpful, I recognise all our situations are unique as we learn here, while can be similar. My DD was way too unwell to continue working. Today she’s a DBT master in my book and still learning how to live her life like we all do. Boy it is hard when we are in the thick of crisis. I kept my heart and sight on the end goal Sadie, for me it was health as my DD was ready, at 26.

How are you and how is DD?  

WDx