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Author Topic: >Pregnant BPD daughter  (Read 129 times)
Agatha

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Posts: 5


« on: February 19, 2020, 07:25:59 PM »

Help!
I went to this site a few years ago, looking for help and here I am again, more desperate and anxious than ever.  I’ve continued to walk on eggshells, things get better, worse, better again. Hope & despair on & on.  It’s exhausting and I am a pathetic caregiver always trying to keep everything on an even keel.
So now, my BPD daughter is pregnant.  She got married a few months ago & all’s been well. Okay, not well, but not bad.  Her brother, my son obviously, is getting married in a few months.  He doesn’t yet know his sister is pregnant but now I do and she’s actually due 5 days before the wedding. She says that if he had told her when he was going to propose to his fiancé that she would have waited to start a family.  She had badgered me about when he was going to propose ( by Xmas? When? Why doesn’t he tell her anything? What’s the secret? Will it be by Xmas?) In placating mode, you all know what it’s like, I said stuff like: yeah, probably; I won’t be surprised; I’d guess so.  So sure enough he proposed on Xmas.
Now BPD said nothing about the pregnancy until 8 weeks along.  She told me but not her brother or anyone else.  Lucky me! Wedding date was set & BPD and her husband were asked to be in the wedding; they said yes but obviously won’t be able to participate.  No big deal but my husband & I are the only ones who know.  Except it is......
So now BPD has a lovely friendly easygoing conversation with me the other day about nothing in particular, just random chitchat until she totally flips it.  Her brother should have told her he was going to propose.  She would have waited until they set a date to start planning a family.  This is his fault! Peacemaker here, me, tries to soothe & smooth, that the timing is challenging yes, but we are blessed to have two happy events blah blah blah.  No, this was his fault for not telling her his plans!  I talked about his right to privacy & that I support that.  She said this is typical of me LEAPING to defend him.  I said I’m defending his right to privacy which is the same as hers because she could have told him her plans, communication is two-way blah blah blah.  Now it’s totally me as the bad guy because instead of letter her be sad and upset, I have LEAPED to defend her brother and am BLAMING her.  As I’m sure y’all can figure out, she hung up on me and I had a panic attack.
Texts followed and I don’t have to explain that hers are full of rage & she doesn’t read any of mine.  She just keeps accusing and blaming. 
I go home, write a thoughtful email explaining everything, pointing out her faulty logic (there was a lot).  I tried to be conciliatory -baby, wedding, joyful, blessings etc.  Don’t be stressed, not good for you, not good for the baby.  She writes back, doesn’t need a recap, I defended her brother, was blaming and mudslinging her.  So in total caregiver mode,  I send a simple email, I apologize for the recap, for not acknowledging her feelings (even though I had used those exact words on the phone & in my prior email), sorry about the fight, sorry about not saying the right thing, sorry that I didn’t ask what I could do to help (as if) sorry sorry sorry.  She responds that she’s not mad, she doesn’t know why I’m emailing her or what I want from her.  She says I told her a few months ago that she & her husband should wait until they are married for a year before starting a family and now that she has not done what I expected, I am “building a case against” her. Wait, what?!? Reality is that she’s said a couple of times that she would like to be married for a year before trying to start for a family.  All I did was “understand” and “support”.  In no universe would I ever tell her when to start a family! I just replied that did not happen.  Hey, I’ve got to draw the line.  This is insane- more insane than the usual insanity.  What does she mean by “building a case against” her????  I’m going to contact the DA?
I know very well what’s going on here.  She did not think that she would get pregnant right away.  She has a bunch of reasons like she needs a bigger house, new car, better daycare commmitment/arrangements (she’s EIGHT weeks)but the real truth is that she’s not ready to be a parent.  In fact, she’s always said that she doesn’t want kids, but her husband does.  So I think she’s doing this for him but now she’s pissed and is not prepared.  Rule #1: never let a BPD do anything for you or give you anything. Rule #2 through rule #99: never forget rule #1.
So here’s the question. what now?  Do I reach out to my son-in-law & ask if things are okay?  Leave it alone?  Reach back out to BPD & tell her to get help?  Her thoughts are totally jumbled and disorganized right now.  God forgive me, but I worry she will terminate the pregnancy & say she had a miscarriage and say it’s my fault.  I put nothing past her and her ability to manipulate and cause chaos.
Any advice will be appreciated
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Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders
Sillyusername

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
What is your relationship status with them: In contact but lives elsewhere
Posts: 9


« Reply #1 on: February 20, 2020, 06:21:18 AM »

Can I be very direct? Read up on the drama triangle and try to stay out of it. I realised I was getting into rescuer and then becoming the victim of rage etc...

Also reading up on codependency is like waking up. Who are we to tell adults what to do when they are grown and married? You can’t change her illness but you can change your reaction. I’ve done this. I’ve sent my son to live with his dad and I’ve stopped rescuing and telling him what to do and he’s actually stepping up. He doesn’t rage at his dad because his dad would put him out. It’s really funny that we think they have no control but they do. They rarely rage at everyone and when money isn’t handed out they can get very resourceful..

My advice would be to admit you’ve gotten used to living in the triangle and resolve to getting out of it and to take better care of yourself. She’s married - she’s an adult and you can only recommend she gets help and point in the right direction.

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Agatha

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Posts: 5


« Reply #2 on: February 23, 2020, 06:53:08 PM »

Thank you for the direct and wise advice.  Yes, I have read about the triangle and it is very easy to identify after the fact - not so much when it’s actually happening though. 

The harder I try to stay out, the harder she pushes buttons.  As I follow the steps for engaging, she will just up the ante until I fold.

Tough to put distance, but I am trying.
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