Divorce lingo and advice

[MrManager]

Hi all. I’ve been speaking with a lawyer about divorce and there are some terms I thought maybe ya’ll could help me with...So if you’ve been through it and know what is needed from these terms please share with me-
1. Preliminary statement of the financial state of the marriage
2. Written storybook of the marriage

I will ask my lawyer what he is wanting but thought asking here might help too.

Also, I’d love to hear some stories from ya’ll about your experience with divorcing someone with bpd. Any advice or things to watch out for would be great. And we’ve got a kid so advice on getting as much custody as possible would be appreciated too!
Thank you for your time.

[kells76]

Hi MrManager, welcome 

(Great name, BTW; did you ever watch Arrested Development?)

I haven't heard the specific phrases "Preliminary statement of the financial state of the marriage" or "Written storybook of the marriage" but I have some guesses of what your L means, based on what we went through (briefly, my husband had to get a L ~5 years after the divorce because his kids' mom was restricting his parenting time).

When "lawyering up", if you and you L think that this might go to court, there is a phase that happens along the way (often after the other party also gets a L, but before going to court) called Discovery. That's where both sides disclose evidence so the other side isn't surprised by a bombshell. So, putting together financial data and sharing it with the other side often happens in discovery.

You sound like you're before that phase, though, so perhaps what your L is going for is "list the assets of the marriage and who owns or has responsibility for them" -- could be credit card debt, mortgage, car title, school loan, bank account, stuff like that.

I would lean towards it being more option 2 than option 1 (discovery) at this point.

So, you could list out those items in a spreadsheet: name of item, $ amount of item, owner of item. I suppose if you guys have any big ticket items that may cause conflict (vacation home ownership? boat? etc), list those, too.

...

OK, written storybook of marriage... again, haven't heard the specific phrase, but it sounds like your L wants a timeline of how things went down in your relationship. When/where did you meet? When engaged, and for how long? How early did conflicts start, and do you have documentation (emails, texts) of them? Who raised issue of divorce first, when? Are you living separately now; when did it start (hint, don't move out yet, as long as it's safe to stay...) When were your kid(s) born?

Does that kind of make sense?

...

Let us know how else we can help you! And, let us know more about your kiddo when you can -- age, how they're coping, etc.

Cheers;

kells76

[MeandThee29]

I don't remember what term he used, but mine asked for the following right after I retained him:

Most recent pay stubs
Most recent car loan statement
A list of vehicles, year, and how titled
A basic household budget
12 months of bank statements
12 months of investment statements
Two years of tax returns

I actually made copies of all that and took it to my first face-to-face because I retained him after a phone appointment.

Mine took what he called a "marital history" in the office at the appointment where I brought the financials. He told me to make myself an outline based on what kells76 also said. He asked a lot of questions and wrote furiously the whole time.

Biggest piece of advice -- get yourself a lawyer prepared for anything with a lot of experience. Mine was the managing partner in a firm with a speciality in high-conflict divorce. I was worried about the expense, but I got what I paid for. He delegated some, but he was creative and efficient. An attorney I know in another area who worked with him on a case called him a "walking legal encyclopedia" and "so nice in court that he destroys you with kindness."

[Panda39]

Also, I’d love to hear some stories from ya’ll about your experience with divorcing someone with bpd. Any advice or things to watch out for would be great. And we’ve got a kid so advice on getting as much custody as possible would be appreciated too!
Thank you for your time.

A book that you might find helpful...Splitting : Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder by Bill Eddy

In terms of custody, document (privately/securely) what you can.  For example my Partner kept email conversations...was able to use these to show neglect (his ex had majority custody in the beginning - younger daughter had a toothache mom was never able to get daughter to the dentist (for 3 months this went on! poor kid), my partner offered many times to take her and finally found someone open on the weekend and just took her).  He used school attendance records to document the kids high absenteeism when with their mother. (mom pulled oldest daughter out of school to...take care of mom...I mean...do on-line school at home.  Daughter did nothing that was a 0.0 GPA her first year of High School.)

When the divorce was final my partner was granted Medical, Dental, and Education decision-making regarding his kids and he went from an every other weekend dad to M-F and one weekend a month custody.

The girls a few years later voted with their feet to live with their dad full time.

So my advice is communicate via email, for several reasons, one it documents conversations, but it also slows things down so you can think about your responses (or even if you need to respond).  When responding use BIFF (Brief, Informative, Friendly Firm) always keep the best interest of your children in mind, and don't respond to anything that isn't about the kids.

And don't buy any BS that you are a bad dad.

Take Care,
Panda39

[GaGrl]

As for documentation, we advise that you limit your communication with your stbx to email only. That gives you a doc trail that you won't get with texts (although there are ways to capture texts ) or phone conversations or FTF.

[livednlearned]

I'm not familiar with those terms, but I wonder if the front desk person who works for your lawyer might be able to help you (so you aren't paying for expensive lawyer time)?

Also, we have a lot of resources here that might be helpful in terms of preparing for your divorce and what to expect:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=239547.msg1331659#msg1331659

Have you and your wife decided to divorce, or are you in the information gathering stage ...

[MrManager]

Kells76, there is always money in the banana stand  
Thank you all who have responded for the advice,, it is greatly appreciated.

I haven’t taken any real action yet. I found and spoke with a divorce lawyer bc my wife has threatened a few times to take the kid and move out of state. I am a woman married to a woman (my wife gave birth). I am on the birth certificate so I wanted to speak to a lawyer and make sure I have all of the legal parental rights that my wife does. Since seeing the lawyer (and bc my therapist advised me to) I have been quietly collecting information and evidence of abuse and instability. My wife is also bipolar so I’ve been documenting how she handles (or doesn’t handle) that.
I am just having a hard time right now. I feel so stuck. I know I don't want to be in this relationship. I know it’s best for me to get out. I am just so terrified of losing my kid. I don’t want him to grow up in such a chaotic and abusive environment. I don’t want him to grow up seeing how she treats me and I don’t want him to some day potentially be on the receiving end of that treatment too. I’m having a hard time being brave and moving forward with everything.

Thanks again. And any advice or words of encouragement are appreciated.

[worriedStepmom]

Don't downplay what you've already accomplished.

You have a therapist.  This will help you recover from the gaslighting and emotional abuse you've experienced.

You have seen a lawyer.  You now know what your legal rights are, and you have an idea what to expect from the divorce process.

You have started documenting, so that when you are ready to take further action, you will have evidence.  (Besides documenting the abuse, you also want to document the division of child care.  Who is responsible for doctor appointments and talking to day care/school teachers and bed time and bath time routines?  Who spends more time with S, and what quality is that time together?

Your lawyer can help you determine how much evidence you need before you file.  Your therapist can help you determine at what point you'll emotionally be ready to file. 

You have been brave.  You have taken those first steps.  You have a team of experts to help you find a path forward at a pace that makes sense to you.  You are doing well.