Pressing assult charges

[Frankee]

I spoke with the detective today assigned to my case.  Provided him copies of my doctor/hospital paperwork and my statement.  It was nerve wracking and scary.  I shut out all emotions of remorse or guilty and even compassion. 

told the detective what happened.  Found myself getting emotional, having to replay the incident in my head.  I told him I want to press charges.  He suggested I reach out to the crisis center for help.  He also said I might consider going there for protection.  It might take a week for the warrant to be issued, but he thinks I need safety.  That is his job, he probably knows the patterns of men like him and what happens.

It's a hard pill to swallow, but I might have to face reality.  When he found out I was staying at the shelter last year, he went nuts.  I mean.. I told him when I got angry because he kept accusing me of getting drunk and partying with people we had hooked up with (different post).  If I disappear and he doesn't know where I am staying.. he might lose it all together.  Funny thing.. today is our 2 year anniversary.

All I know is I have to push forward.  If I want this to stop, if I want this abuse out of my life, I need to do something about it now.

[Rev]

I spoke with the detective today.

All I know is I have to push forward.  If I want this to stop, if I want this abuse out of my life, I need to do something about it now.

Prayers for continued  courage Frankee.

You are an inspiration.

Rev

[empath]

Will they let you know when the warrant has been issued? That can be a dangerous time in abusive relationships.

[Frankee]

The detective said it might be a week.  I have been checking the county active warrants page daily to see.  I'm keeping alert to when it could come up.

[Skip]

Frankee,

Please post here every day. Don't be proud - we're anonymous. You can share what is really happening. It's OK.

You have a long history of going back... a big part if that is emotional (he is the kids dad)... a big part if that is financial (you're not self sufficient yet, you are dependent on his financial support).

This is a hard reality to navigate. There are no simple answers.

Skip

[formflier]

Hang in there Frankee!  We are all cheering you on!  You have taken some difficult steps.  Keep up the good work and please keep checking in each day.

Best,

FF

[ct21218]

Frankee, I am so sorry for what you are going through.  Have you applied for an order of protection?  You would certainly qualify for one and I went through the process last August.  I don't have kids involved, but it would be a good next step to protect yourself.

[Rev]

Frankee,

Please post here every day. Don't be proud - we're anonymous. You can share what is really happening. It's OK.

You have a long history of going back... a big part if that is emotional (he is the kids dad)... a big part if that is financial (you're not self sufficient yet, you are dependent on his financial support).

This is a hard reality to navigate. There are no simple answers.

Skip

Yes - please post here every day - for you - for others - for the ones we will all help in the future because of your courage and your wisdom and your faith in what is fair and just.

Godspeed...  we're all in your corner - cheering you on with big, big love.

Rev

[GaGrl]

Chiming in to say...we're here for you!

[Frankee]

I can't thank everyone enough for the encouragement.  I was having a hard day and seeing these replies brought tears to my eyes.  Whenever I find myself feeling alone, I reach out.  Whether it's close friends, counselor, or here.  Just writing or saying what is going through my head has helped me out greatly. 

I spoke with the shelter again.  Truth is, I am financially dependent on him right now.  I can't pay rent, bills, or really much of anything.  My job is shoddy.  The pay is terrible, they haven't been giving me enough hours, and it's been hard.  He has insurance on the boys.  They went to the dentist.  Found of the youngest need dental surgery.  Going to have to get caps on his back teeth to prevent infection and fix couple other cavities.  The oldest has cavities and has to get a root canal and then they are going to try to save his back tooth.  Just a big mess.  Even with insurance, all of it will be close to a thousand dollars.  They are able to do payments, but it's still a large payment.  Thankfully we got a tax return advance, but it is still a lot of money.

I found that even close friends, I don't want to keep burdening them with my troubles.  Even I get tired of hearing about it.  The level of uncertainty is stressful.

On top of that, with all the appointments next week and surgery, my clinicals are just around the corner.  I have to leave at 5:20am for five Fridays to drive 30 minutes away to a retirement home to complete my CNA training.  Which means I will have to ensure he takes the kids Thursday nights so he can take them to school/daycare in the morning.  Or pay a fortune to the babysitter to deal with it.  Which means more work I will be missing.  My CNA class has made it difficult to work full time, but I keep telling myself to tough it out and the rewards will pay off.

I know this was off topic, but this is all that is going through my head.  Part of me is worried he will lose his job.  Which right now would mean, I lose my financial help and the boys and myself would lose all our good insurance.  Especially now since the boys need all this dental work.

I hope a few months from now, I read this again and see where I was and finding myself in a better place.  I read my old posts from years ago and I do find myself in a better place.  I also remind myself that I know what giving up looks like and I know I can never go back there.

[Skip]

I know this was off topic, but this is all that is going through my head.  Part of me is worried he will lose his job.  Which right now would mean, I lose my financial help and the boys and myself would lose all our good insurance.  Especially now since the boys need all this dental work.

This is your reality and its one that limits your choices. How does a mom choice between dental surgery for their child and pressing charges on a DV event? What is the right answer? This is the "conflicted" board and certainly you should be conflicted about this. Every choice has negative consequences.

None of us know which trap door you should select. We are just here to be a sounding board and help you work through it and keep things in perspective. That is why I say, post daily, keep us in the loop.

You have tried things and they don't always work out. Learn from that.

Your working on your CNA and that is a smart move and an important aspect for your. Stay the course - no matter how difficult it gets. This decision is easy. You need financial independence.

You are working. That is bringing some money but is far from financial independence.

So, in the mean time, you need financial support.

DV shelters  didn't work. You tried DV shelters and they took you in. That had the potential to be a way out, but your benefactors had requirements of you that you couldn't honor. Looking back - was that wise? Would you did it differently if you could do it over? Or is this just not a viable venue for you?

What other choices do you have to keep you and the children fed and healthy?

If the answer is none, and being on the street with two children is your only choice then its important to talk to people here about whether to learn how to co-exist with you husband temporarily or what other options are available for your and your children's survival.

If your husband is whacked with $8,000 in legal fees and/or goes to jail for 6 -12 months, what are your options for feeding and caring for your children?

[Rev]

I hope a few months from now, I read this again and see where I was and finding myself in a better place.  I read my old posts from years ago and I do find myself in a better place.  I also remind myself that I know what giving up looks like and I know I can never go back there.

Skip just gave you some excellent things to consider...

I'm just going to stay in your cheering section.  Go Frankee Go...

Hang in there.  We're all holding you up in our own way.

Rev

[I Am Redeemed]

You may be eligible for Medicaid, you and the kids. That is what I had to do, I applied and got approved this past summer.

The shelter may not be an option but they may be able to direct you to services that can help low-income single parents. I get food stamps and Medicaid and there is no shame in that. I know that I am working on my degree and there will be better days ahead. There will be for you too.

Also, even if your h does lose his job there may still be insurance coverage for a period of time. Contact the insurance company if you have questions about that.

You could also try contacting your local Department of Human Resources to see what kind of programs are available for single mothers. In my state, I still qualify as a single parent even though I am not technically divorced. It may be the same where you live.

[Frankee]

Thank you for all the great feedback.  Skip does touch on important topics.  Another reality check, the kids were on Medicaid, but since he has them on private insurance, they are being taken off medicaid.  And now since he has a much better job with higher pay and we are legally married, our food stamps are gone since we make to much.  They wanted copy of our lease and recent paystubs.

He is still on good behavior and it's nerve wracking.  Even when I got so angry at him that I lashed out in some pretty mean and horrible ways.  I am feeling much better than I was, but I am still hurt and my back is still giving me trouble.

DV shelters  didn't work. You tried DV shelters and they took you in. That had the potential to be a way out, but your benefactors had requirements of you that you couldn't honor. Looking back - was that wise? Would you did it differently if you could do it over? Or is this just not a viable venue for you?

If the answer is none, and being on the street with two children is your only choice then its important to talk to people here about whether to learn how to co-exist with you husband temporarily or what other options are available for your and your children's survival.

I talked to the DV shelters and voiced my concerns about what happened last time.  I told them I have a crazy schedule between work, school, and my upcoming clinicals for my CNA, I am worried I am going to show up one night from work or whatever, and they aren't going to let me in.  The DV advocate said that having open communication was important, knowing my schedule, etc.

If I did go back, I know it would be different.  Before, I went to them in complete shambles, no direction, no hope, just desperately trying to get away.  I have a goal now, I know what I want, I know what I am working towards.  One think that has kept me grounded is my class.  They want us to succeed in our class, they want us to get that certification, they don't want us to fail, and that means so much hope to me.

I also know that my confliction now is such a vast improvement.  My confliction before was trying to survive my relationship with him.  Trying to find tools to "make it work".  Now my confliction is what my time table is and choices I need to make in order to gain that stability I have been trying so hard to reach.

[I Am Redeemed]

I am still legally married to my ex, but I was able to get Medicaid and food stamps by providing proof that we do not live together. If he were to get fired and no longer have the boys on insurance, they should still qualify for Medicaid.

In the event that you do go back to the shelter, you should be able to get food stamps because you are not living with him and the shelter should be able to provide documentation for you.

Stay in touch with the advocate. There are ways forward, it's just hard to see them sometimes when you have experienced a lot of trauma. It's scary to navigate ways to support your kids and yourself in this situation but it is possible.