Part 2: Possible crisis

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

This thread was split from a previous discussion found here:https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=343142.0

He sent Friend an email today outlining some legitimate problems that are going on. She asked the chair of another committee to "handle" him. He did NOT take that well.

Of course the man did it over drinks.

So H called my dad to ask his advice. He said he couldn't help and then had to get off the phone to take a call from their church committee chair (their chrlurch is in crisis too).

So, now H feels even more abandoned and invalidated.

He says he's quitting tomorrow. And now he's going to hate my parents and want nothing to do with them because my dad was insensitive and made H think he doesn't care.

Lovely.

[Ozzie101]

This thread was split from a previous discussion found here:https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=343142.0

He sent Friend an email today outlining some legitimate problems that are going on. She asked the chair of another committee to "handle" him. He did NOT take that well.

Of course the man did it over drinks.

So H called my dad to ask his advice. He said he couldn't help and then had to get off the phone to take a call from their church committee chair (their chrlurch is in crisis too).

So, now H feels even more abandoned and invalidated.

He says he's quitting tomorrow. And now he's going to hate my parents and want nothing to do with them because my dad was insensitive and made H think he doesn't care.

Lovely.

[UBPDHelp]

Hi Ozzie,

I have no great advice but I have been there too with grandiose responses situations.

On the other hand, it sounds like he is frustrated with the amount of misinformation swirling about and no real answer.

Would he be amenable to letting the dust settle and being the one constant in the “changing of the guards”?  Like maybe he becomes the senior employee in the know and that might provide him with a level of accomplishment and respect he’s been looking for. 

I don’t know if that presentation would work for a pwBPD, but I find making rash decisions when the situation calls for a more measured response isn’t usually in my best interest.

You know him best and you are more understanding of BPD than I am (I’m still trying to find my way out of the proverbial corner  ).

Just thinking about you, lending an ear and sharing a perspective. 

[Ozzie101]

I don't think that would work. He's completely losing it with the job.

Apparently I'm a big part of the problem because I don't support him. I've never told him to just quit.

Well, no. Because my salary can't support us alone and, honestly, I don't know that being unemployed will improve his stress. And it's not my decision to make. Another thing that makes him angry -- I turn everything back on him to decide.

Sorry. I'm venting. But it's been a very bad, stressful week for multiple reasons. And I can't help feeling annoyed that my dad couldn't just call the other person back. Would have made my life easier. Not his fault. He doesn't really "get it."

[Cat Familiar]

Maybe your dad has what he thinks are appropriate boundaries. It's easy when in a relationship with a pwBPD to start to buy into their concept of what is appropriate.

[empath]

My h's former church went through a crisis 2 years ago - legitimate issues with the pastor. H would tell me how "horrible" everyone was, especially the folks who were worshiping elsewhere. The church ended the pastor's employment, and a couple of weeks later my h resigned. My h was saying that I didn't support him and I was the problem. He also wanted me to tell him that he should quit; I wouldn't.

Once he calmed down, he still knew that I was much more trustworthy and healthy than the people who were telling him what to do.  

It sounds like you are doing well with your part of the interactions. This is a tough situation.

My h doesn't know how to work on relationships which is really odd because he's read so many books about them.

[Ozzie101]

You're right, Cat. It's easy to start to blur those boundaries. I remind myself not to buy into it fully. Also, I wasn't there. I don't know how the conversation was going. Maybe H was rambling. Maybe H wasn't really conveying what he wanted or needed and my dad didn't get the impression this was important. I don't know. My parents aren't good at giving advice. Never have been. Probably why I stink at it.

Sounds very familiar, empath!

He's hearing things from other people. They're shocked that my parents aren't doing anything about their friends. Shocked I'm not more supportive. Why I'm not "up in arms". Thing is, H can't tell me what real support looks like to him. When he's not raging, he says how hurt he is over it. I told him how I view support and how I've tried. I'm not going to rage. I'm not going to go down there and tell people off. That's not me.

And I'm focused on the long term. I'm not going to do or encourage anything I fear might hurt him eventually (even if it feels good for a minute).

So, these other people who are supporting him are really, I think, just mirroring his emotions and helping keep him stirred up -- not on purpose, of course.

Last night he packed a bag and threatened to take SS9 and stay with his ex-wife for a few days. He didn't go, of course, and I stayed calm. He likely wanted a more emotional response from me but I wasn't going to do that and escalate or reward.

Thanks, y'all. Praying for some good news and a turn around sometime in the future.

[Cat Familiar]

It’s so tiring, isn’t it?

This morning, before I’d made the coffee, I was confronted by a husband with an anxiety attack over a pending construction project.

I wrote a three sentence email that fixed the problem.

Good grief! He is a lawyer, you’d think he could say “No.”

Anyway, you are hearing secondhand about these people’s responses, and who knows how he has exaggerated the issue, for effect.

And then he gets to whine about how you’re not “supportive enough”. The simple fact is ther is no amount of support you could possibly give which could fix his internal anxiety. And that is not your job as a wife.

So don’t buy into that concept and JADE. I’ve been there too.

Now I ask what he wants me to do. And if he can’t tell me, then I offer what I think would be supportive. If he doesn’t want that or doesn’t think it’s enough, then I chalk it up to his problem, not mine.

Don’t buy into the guilt trip. You are doing what any reasonable, responsible partner would and could do. That’s good enough.

[Ozzie101]

I'm always well-aware that the account I'm getting may not be accurate. Unfortunately, I think he picks up on my skepticism somehow, which is rolled into my not being supportive and my requiring proof. Not that I say anything to doubt him, but my lack of emotional response must trigger it.

I frequently ask what I can do or what he wants me to do. He usually doesn't have a good answer (or any answer). But when he dysregulates, it becomes "Ss9's mom even supports me. She said I'm so sorry. What can I do to help? You never once say that." I know good and well that I've said those exact words dozens of times, so I don't take the bait.

I believe you're right. Nothing will ever be good enough. Same with my parents. He complained that they hadn't reached out. When I talked to them, I said "I think it would mean a lot to H if you sent a text or something." Not trying to triangulate, just giving them a heads-up. My dad did. Then H's problem was that in their text convo, my dad's responses were all one or two words with no punctuation. Typical for my dad. He can barely type on a computer. On a phone? A word takes him five minutes.

So, no winning. And I get that.

But, yeah, it's exhausting. He's depressed. Doesn't know how to handle all this. Told me last night that he hasn't been going in to work first thing after taking SS to school. He's been going home and crying and lying in bed for an hour or two first.

I know he's miserable and I hate that. But I genuinely don't know what I can do beyond what I'm doing.

He's got weekly therapy appointments scheduled for the next two months with someone who specializes in emotional regulation. Maybe it will help.

[Cat Familiar]

I understand how hard it is to watch someone we love who is suffering. Then when they lash out at us, it’s easy to get triggered. No matter what we do, it’s never enough or not helpful or not good enough.

When that happens, rather than try harder, I step back. It’s a sign that my codependency is getting engaged.

Now I try to politely watch from the sidelines and offer help where it makes sense to me. And if it’s not helpful, good enough, or whatever, I don’t take it personally.

Actually, I’m starting to think, “How arrogant, how unappreciative, how thoughtless!” But certainly I try not to convey that in my tone or body language.

I’ve learned to let him solve his emotional distress by himself. I’m happy to do things that I can, like that three sentence email when I was half-asleep, but though I can take care of details, I can’t fix his emotions—that’s on him.

[Ozzie101]

That's pretty much what I try to do -- handle things I can (like school pick-up or cooking dinner).

One thing he tends to throw at me is "I got you your new job." Well, no, I got it by interviewing. But as I said in another thread, one of H's best friends told me about the opening and recommend me. The whole process was very slow (state job). H got frustrated and blasted friend via text on the way things were being handled. Mind you, I didn't ask him to do this and, had I known before he did it, I would have discouraged it. It could have hurt more than helped. Fortunately this friend knows H well and is aware of aspects of his personality.

Anyway, since he "stood up" for me and "pushed" for me, that makes it even worse that I won't do the same for him. I can't very well tell him "I didn't ask you to do it. Didn't want you to do it. It was the wrong thing and could have cost me a great opportunity." So I usually just keep my mouth shut.

[Cat Familiar]

It's irritating to have to swallow correcting mistruths   , but certainly the alternative is likely to start a war.

It helps when we step back and realize how fragile their egos are. It's part of his identity that he feels he actually helped you get that job. 

[Ozzie101]

True. Another thing to remind myself!

[Ozzie101]

And so much of his thinking is so off-base -- though I get the insecurity and feelings underneath. For instance, he'll complain (about my family) that they only really care about me, not him -- or they care about me more.

Well, duh. They're my family. I believe they do care about him but, yeah, I'm their priority over H and SS. Never would say it, though.

[Cat Familiar]

Like so many with personality disorders, one disorder bleeds into another. This is NPD thinking. Remembering that might make it easier not to validate the invalid.

I remember when this dawned upon me regarding my husband. It would come out in bizarre little complaints. "The cashier at the grocery store was unfriendly to me."  I was standing next to him and I sure didn't see it. Maybe she wasn't feeling good or was preoccupied thinking about her kids, but she sure didn't come off as "unfriendly" to me. When I said the latter, he countered with, "Well she wasn't unfriendly to you."

It is his hypersensitivity, which thankfully hasn't shown itself lately, that makes him think that if he isn't treated specially, then people are dissing him.

Years ago, when we were first dating, I remarked upon the cologne he was wearing. Typically I don't like artificial fragrances, but I did like that one--didn't say that however. His reply was that when he went to Nordstrom, the saleswoman went downstairs to get it specially for him. I thought that was weird, but he seemed very complimented by it.

Now that I've seen this pattern repeat itself many times, I realize what a patsy he is regarding compliments and special treatment and how easily manipulatable. Not that I do that.    It would take so much work beyond my ambient niceness. 

[Ozzie101]

This makes sense. In addition to taking things very personally, he gets super-upset at any slight or criticism (real or perceived) and seems to expect special consideration or treatment. Then he's horribly offended if he doesn't get it.

Much of the time he's fine. But in times of stress, it's noticeable.

Anything g other than fawning attention for him (or SS) is a sign of disrespect and lack of caring.