How do I leave?

[StrongnStanding]

Hello, I am searching for advice. My husband is the classic Jekyll and Hyde NPD. He constantly finds fault in everything I do and now in our children. He is OCD about cleaning and calls the children nasty constantly. We have a home together and funds, but I am scared that if I leave that he will get shared custody. How can I protect them if he shows that he is a good father in public and emotionally abusive behind closed doors. They are not old enough or big enough to protect themselves. He can charm anyone and I know he will fight for custody. How do I protect myself from his constant tantrums and being disrespected without living in a war zone. All the blogs say to get out, but what do I do with the children. I am so lost and unhappy.

[kells76]

Hi StrongnStanding, you're not alone! Glad you found the boards here.

I'm sorry you've been through so much. It seems like you've realized that you don't want to keep living this way, especially with kids involved, but just realizing it is only the start. You're thinking ahead to how to protect your kids, which is a really important mindset to have 

While I'm a stepmom (my husband's kids' mom isn't diagnosed, but has lots of BPD-type behaviors), there are other moms on here who have separated from their NPD-type husbands, and some have ultimately ended up with full custody of their children. So, it's not impossible, and there's a lot of wisdom here we can share with you to walk you through.

When you're ready, would you let us know a little more about your situation? How old are your kids, and how are they doing with the stress? Are you and the kids physically safe at home right now?

Warmly;

kells76

[ForeverDad]

Here are just a few of the many insights and perspectives you can learn here.

Right now the kids are exposed to less-then-optimal behaviors, yes from your spouse but even from yourself.  It isn't intuitive, but you can't protect the children 100% of the time.  You have to sleep, possibly work, probably shop and cook.  So you already can't be there literally all of the time.

So what does that mean?  Many here did discern how dysfunctional and unhealthy the relationship was and decided there was no other alternative but to end the spousal relationship in order to foster the parenting relationship.  You see, by establishing your own home free from the chaos, arguing, controlling, etc, then the children will have a safe place, a stable place, to call home with you.

Sure it's not optimal, but one parent is seriously damaging the family and even though you can't fully control what happens when the ex is with the kids, you know you've done the best you could with the tools and strategies available to you.  Also, with your guidance and therapists to aid them too, then in time they will discern the difference between what is normal and what isn't, where it is safe and stable and where it isn't.

We're not saying that everyone here ends up separating or divorcing.  There are some who manage to make their marriage at least workable, but generally those are relationships where the disordered spouse does listen to some extent to the therapy, rules of behavior and methods of minimally damaging communications.  But when the other is in such a state of denial, blaming, blame shifting and controlling, well, the options are stark and do have a cost in order to make things less bad.

[livednlearned]

calls the children nasty constantly

Ugh. That's painful. I'm so sorry you and the kids are going through this.

How do you respond when he says stuff like that? My ex used to call our son terrible, which was quite something when n/BPDx was stumbling drunk and barely able to stand upright. He embodied the word terrible and yet it was my son he targeted. Still hurts deeply to think about it.

We have a home together and funds, but I am scared that if I leave that he will get shared custody.

I took as long as it took to prepare to leave -- you can learn a lot about raising emotionally resilient kids when one parent has BPD. This will be true whether you stay or go. People on this board are amazing at understanding what regular families don't have to deal with, and can walk with you while you work through this stuff.

How can I protect them if he shows that he is a good father in public and emotionally abusive behind closed doors. They are not old enough or big enough to protect themselves. He can charm anyone and I know he will fight for custody. How do I protect myself from his constant tantrums and being disrespected without living in a war zone. 

Do you feel comfortable discreetly consulting with several lawyers? My n/BPDx husband was a former trial attorney and I was beyond demoralized about any chance of getting full custody. I feared the opposite, that he would bamboozle everyone and I would end up losing my son.

It took some time but I have full custody of my son. Everyone has different circumstances but it is possible for things to work out favorably, even if there is some degree of trauma for everyone involved. Judges, lawyers, your own health and well-being, how you strategize, the laws in your state -- all of this can make a difference.

For me, I found having a good therapist and being 10 steps ahead was a godsend. That, plus finding this board.

We got you  if you need some friendly strangers to turn to.

LnL

[SamwizeGamgee]

I'm sorry you're going through this.  I know how tough it can be to see the pain and damage caused by home behavior.

I'd like to offer an idea for another perspective.  As bad as a dad (or mom) is, the kids still know him, and on some level need him and love him (or her). They will want time with the "offending" parent, and unless he is overtly abusive or dangerous, I think some contact should be encouraged.  At some point, kids will have to figure out who's crazy and abusive, and who isn't.

I know we want to protect our kids from all harm and hazards, but thinking that full custody is the only way - or that sharing custody and visitation will be bad - is not quite fair thinking. There's good and bad in all of us.  Maybe moving out, and sharing custody, might give the kids' dad a reason to be straight and sober wile he has the kids. No doubt your husband has a lot of inner demons. Hopefully he has time and space to work on those. And hopefully, he can become better, at least in small doses.  

Further, I believe that if you press for full custody, and try to remove dad from their lives, the kids will suffer.

Lots of BPDFam love to you!