Just feeling like maybe its me?

[chrisco]

This is my first post. First post...actually for anything, ever. But I am at the end of my rope...

My daughter suffers from BDP. Last week she suffered sexual trauma at the hands of someone she trusted. Her moods have gone from expectedly unpredictable to off the charts. Everything triggers her. From my hugging my youngest child to her perception that I am doing things to trigger her on purpose. That I am uncaring. That I have made her sick. That it is my neglect and uselessness that have made her this way. That I am not safe.

I am a single parent with two other children. They are just reeling from their sister's outbursts and this has just made everything worse. We are in counselling. My daughter has been in counselling for almost two years - everything from long term stays to DBT to therapy. We have added trauma therapy on top now.

I am trying to remember that this is not about me. How I feel and what I feel is not important. Validating her needs are. This is hard sometimes. But sometimes, the abuse is just epic. I feel she goes out of her way to target me, and these verbal (sometime physical) attacks are just vicious. She has actually told me I am an easy target and although she does not like doing it, it gives her relief and she says I deserve it because if I had done right by her the first time, she would not need to treat me this way to get what she needs from me. 

I am very alone in this. I feel to blame. And I have lost all perspective as to what is really happening at any given time. She cant work. She couldn't make it to university this fall and due to her inability to finish the things she starts due to her deregulation, she more than likely will not be leaving the upcoming fall either. I try hard to be present, but a lot of the time the abuse leaves me drained and I just cant focus. I shut down. I am working hard to change how I deal with her...I have been working on DBT, Emotionally-based therapy...

I dont want to get up anymore. I like to go to work simply because it gives me a break from home. Until I pick up all the texts and angry phone calls about why she is always second to anything in my life. Angry because her brother has friends at the house and I should not permit this knowing what she is going through, angry because she feels I am not parenting my youngest properly. I don't even notice when I am crying anymore. I try hard not to do this, but sometime when I am alone, I am just overwhelmed with grief and hurt and anger at my inability to help my own child. What kind of parent doesn't see this need first off and then is unable to provide it second off? Does that make sense to anyone?

I just don't know who to talk to. Even people close to me...if Itell them what is happening, how they feel about what I am telling them plays out on their faces and I cant face them.

Is there anyone who can relate to what I am saying? Who can tell me I am not alone. I am just so alone.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Harri]

Hi and welcome   

I am not a parent of a child with BPD however, I wanted to reply and let you know you are not alone, not anymore.  What you describe will sound very familiar to the parents who post on this board.  I am so sorry for what you all are experiencing.  It is heartbreaking, difficult and stressful to say the least. 

I know other parents will be along to talk with you.  In the meantime, as I was reading your post, I am struck by just how much you have done to help your daughter.  You obviously care deeply about her. 

I am trying to remember that this is not about me. How I feel and what I feel is not important. Validating her needs are.

I think this is about you and your feelings are important.  They have to be.  You have to be important to you and there is a way for you to make sure you are taken care of as well and that your feelings are validated.  We can definitely help with that here.  We can also help you will more tools that may improve communication with your daughter and improve things at home for everyone, though first, the tools will help you.

I am glad you found us and are reaching out.  We get it here.

Again, welcome.

[incadove]

Hi Chrisco - welcome to this board!  You are not alone, and I know there are others here with a lot of wisdom to share, and the tips are very helpful in managing -

Your feelings are important.  There is nothing in the treatment of BPD that says your feelings are not important.  Its just helpful to use certain skills in managing the interactions, and you might not decide to express all of your feelings to your bpd daughter.  But your feelings are definitely important.

One day at a time, and look for small ways to get the most difficult behaviours under control so that you can parent effectively.  Its actually to her benefit to control her behavior so that she can receive the genuine emotional support she craves.

I hope others will also respond more, I am just stopping by, but hugs and keep going, it sounds like you are very caring and working hard for all your children!

 

[wavewatcher]

Hi chrisco,
I'm so glad you found us because you are definitely not alone here. No one truly understands how difficult it is to have a BPD child than those of us here and elsewhere who do. This site is where I can talk, listen and learn. There are so many helpful tools and threads here; keep reading and sharing your story.

Your d sounds just like my 25ddBPD/BP2. Almost exactly. How old is your d? 

Some of the most important lessons I have learned here and in researching this devastating disorder are these:

-Take care of yourself.  Your feelings are hugely important. Find healthy, calming, fun outlets and don't feel a moment's guilt for enjoying them.

-It is not you, it is her BPD brain.  Like my dd, their emotional struggles are enormous but we don't need to be their punching bags, figuratively and literally.

-However imperfect we are and were as parents we did not cause this disorder.

-Validation of their feelings without absorbing unwarranted blame can sometimes help diffuse the rage.

-Take care of yourself. (Worth repeating twice).

[twocrazycats]

Hi Chrisco,
I think pretty much all of us on this board can relate to what you are saying. You are most definitely not alone. I hope you'll read through some of the other posts and at least see that others are dealing with similar situations and feelings.

As others have said, your feelings are very important. However, our BPD sons and daughters are not stable enough to validate, or even acknowledge, our feelings much of the time. I have come to accept that I need to get my feelings validated and my needs met elsewhere, not from my daughter. I cannot now, and it seems possible that I will never be able to get any of that from her. So I accept a one-way relationship. I validate her feelings, I try to give her what she needs, and I try to keep my own feelings in check.

You said that your daughter said you are an easy target. I believe that I, too, have been an easy target for my daughter by being too nice of a person, and also by being blindsided by the appearance of BPD when my dd was about 13. Then, when she would start acting abusively, I would also turn on myself. She would tell me I was a piece of crap, and inside I would tell myself I must be a piece of crap. And she would want nothing to do with that sort of person, so she would become more abusive. Funny thing is, when I started focusing more on myself and started respecting myself more, I was better able to keep my feelings of hurt inside and stifle any anger. And when I started doing this, she started respecting me more. Because she knew my responses were coming from a position of strength. My daughter very much needs for me to be strong.  I try my best to do that now. But first I had to accept that she has a mental health disorder, and that therefore we will probably never have the kind of mother-daughter relationship I once imagined.

I, too, am a single parent, and my daughter is adopted. I also have a son, but he is 7 years older and living overseas. He has seen her outbursts though.

So anyway, welcome, and I hope you will share more of your story. It helps me immensely to be able to connect with other parents in similar situations here.

2CC