My exwBPD blocked me for no apparent reason - shocked and hurt.

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hi guys,

Those who have followed my post history for the last 4 months will know that my ex with strong BPD traits broke up with me last November wanting to focus on her mental health, saying she didn't 'feel able' for a relationship.

Since then we were engaged in increasingly sporadic contact, always friendly and never communicating any bitterness. I set up implicit boundaries whereby I allowed her to come to me mostly and this helped me heal.

Lately our interactions have been necessitated by me wanting to get some very valuable stuff of mine returned from her house in a different country. She deployed vague excuses about 5 or 6 times to avoid doing this and I was never anything less than understanding. The last time I heard from her was 15th January, she apologised for the delay yet again.

I was hoping to bring it up this weekend and firmly establish that I want to know what's really going on. I wanted to wish her happy birthday and have what I hoped to be a warm and frank conversation that would lead to us being mutually respecting friends.

Problem is I discovered yesterday she has blocked me on everything within the last week. I have no means of getting to her except perhaps through a third party.

I'm utterly shocked. I've done nothing wrong and I thought we were on good terms. The thought that i've totally lost her forever is both terrifying and relieving. I miss the version of her I got to know yet am increasingly doubtful that there was anything genuine in our short relationship. I obviously shouldn't miss someone prepared to treat me with such disrespect and yet part of me still does.

Why wait several months, talk to me many times without indicating any kind of problem and then block me after a period of NC? What possible reason? I've given up trying to comprehend how her mind works.

What a sad end to a bittersweet chapter in my life.

[ThisIsMyTruthTellMeYours]

Hi guys,

Those who have followed my post history for the last 4 months will know that my ex with strong BPD traits broke up with me last November wanting to focus on her mental health, saying she didn't 'feel able' for a relationship.

Since then we were engaged in increasingly sporadic contact, always friendly and never communicating any bitterness. I set up implicit boundaries whereby I allowed her to come to me mostly and this helped me heal.

Lately our interactions have been necessitated by me wanting to get some very valuable stuff of mine returned from her house in a different country. She deployed vague excuses about 5 or 6 times to avoid doing this and I was never anything less than understanding. The last time I heard from her was 15th January, she apologised for the delay yet again.

I was hoping to bring it up this weekend and firmly establish that I want to know what's really going on. I wanted to wish her happy birthday and have what I hoped to be a warm and frank conversation that would lead to us being mutually respecting friends.

Problem is I discovered yesterday she has blocked me on everything within the last week. I have no means of getting to her except perhaps through a third party.

I'm utterly shocked. I've done nothing wrong and I thought we were on good terms. The thought that i've totally lost her forever is both terrifying and relieving. I miss the version of her I got to know yet am increasingly doubtful that there was anything genuine in our short relationship. I obviously shouldn't miss someone prepared to treat me with such disrespect and yet part of me still does.

Why wait several months, talk to me many times without indicating any kind of problem and then block me after a period of NC? What possible reason? I've given up trying to comprehend how her mind works.

What a sad end to a bittersweet chapter in my life.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey kisaacs, Trying to come up with rational explanations for BPD behavior is bound to be a frustrating pursuit.  Those w/BPD act in ways that defy reason, due to their disorder.  In a sense, you have closure, which is a good thing.  Time to move on, my friend.  It's doubtful that anything you did or didn't do would have changed the outcome, so give yourself a break.  Don't beat yourself up!  Greater happiness, in my view, lies ahead.

LuckyJim

[clvrnn]

Same thing happened to me. I would advise you to try and work on moving forward, and not try to analyse it (which I did, for months - to no avail). It wasn't anything you did.

[ThisIsMyTruthTellMeYours]

I guess i'm just disappointed because I genuinely believe we have much in common as people that isn't purely a result of mirroring. I would have liked us to remain friends but it's clear I would be grotesquely disrespecting my self worth if I allowed that to happen.

As for my things and her not co-operating at all i'm so tempted to give her a call or send a letter as one last throw of the dice. Logically however I know she hasn't responded in the desired way towards any previous attempts to be understanding  and thus one last defiant reach out is likely to prove stupid and futile.

I'm just annoyed I never had a chance to register my distaste at her manipulation and feel insulted. A pointless feeling anyhow since raging at her would almost certainly cause her to shut down and vilify me even more. I just wish she could talk about what's actually happening frankly - dishonesty hurts more than knowing she's possibly just done something impulsive and reckless.

On the plus side this episode has stopped much of my ruminations.

[once removed]

its a lot like when someone disses you, and five minutes later, you have the perfect comeback.

what you wouldnt give, to be able to go back in time to deliver it.

its a bit more extreme and personal case, obviously.

but when someone hurts us, thats where the mind often turns. wanting to give it back. wanting to stand up for ourselves, retroactively.

find ways to vent it, and get it out. it helped me tremendously to put a lot of mine in writing. it was really the closest thing to saying it to her, and i felt that it connected my heart and my brain. i wrote things that werent easy to communicate, and that was really therapeutic.

but also trust, know, that some time from now, you arent going to care what she thinks. you can take all of the things that you wish youd said or done, and use them going forward.

kisaacs68, i came here about 9 years ago fresh out of my breakup. i spent a good few months trying to exchange belongings. members told me at the time to let go of it, that it wasnt going to happen, that it was keeping me attached. personally, i thought i was making progress. maybe if id spent several more months, maybe if id threatened her or raised the stakes, i might have gotten them back. i dont know. i do know that at some point, i decided that detaching was more important...and i lost some pretty important stuff! more than anything, it really hurt me at the time to give up that pursuit and sever ties.

I'm utterly shocked. I've done nothing wrong and I thought we were on good terms. The thought that i've totally lost her forever is both terrifying and relieving.

it doesnt feel great to be blocked by anyone, especially someone weve been so deeply close to, shared so much with, and without any explanation.

does it feel like she took your opportunity at closure away from you and got the last word?

[ThisIsMyTruthTellMeYours]

kisaacs68, i came here about 9 years ago fresh out of my breakup. i spent a good few months trying to exchange belongings. members told me at the time to let go of it, that it wasnt going to happen, that it was keeping me attached. personally, i thought i was making progress. maybe if id spent several more months, maybe if id threatened her or raised the stakes, i might have gotten them back. i dont know. i do know that at some point, i decided that detaching was more important...and i lost some pretty important stuff! more than anything, it really hurt me at the time to give up that pursuit and sever ties.

I can strongly relate to your story. I do want to defend myself but worry that re-engaging with her will delay or reverse much of my recovery. There is this constant battle between the calm and sentimental sides of my thinking and I recognise, in moments of calm clarity, that I would pursue this further with the subtext of thinking I can just make everything ok between us.

it doesnt feel great to be blocked by anyone, especially someone weve been so deeply close to, shared so much with, and without any explanation.

does it feel like she took your opportunity at closure away from you and got the last word?

Yeh I panicked so much when I found out. The same panic I felt on those few times I triggered her in the r/s. The panic and fear of suddenly not trusting your perception of reality, scarcely believing someone you love can be this way.

It feels like she's punishing me for something I never did, as if she won't let me return to life pre-her without robbing me of something she knows is one of my main outlets for creativity. It's made me paranoid this is somehow my fault, like maybe she's found my activity on here somehow or was too hurt by my SM stories.

So yeh it does feel like she has the last word, and I want to tell her how unfair that is while empathizing with her plight. But maybe it's time to care about myself instead. 

[clvrnn]

It feels like she's punishing me for something I never did, as if she won't let me return to life pre-her without robbing me of something she knows is one of my main outlets for creativity. It's made me paranoid this is somehow my fault, like maybe she's found my activity on here somehow or was too hurt by my SM stories.

Wow, I could have written this. This is exactly how I feel. I rack my brain for something I must  have done to contribute to it. Reading your story, however... it's clearly a very common action, the blocking. And you did nothing to cause it.

I personally believe (and from what I've read) that it's shame and guilt that causes this. The triggering that we do within them means that they have to get rid of us completely - shame that they've messed up yet another relationship, and thus contributing to their already low feelings of self-worth. Any reminder of that must be destroyed/eradicated. So that's why the blocking.

[once removed]

I can strongly relate to your story. I do want to defend myself but worry that re-engaging with her will delay or reverse much of my recovery. There is this constant battle between the calm and sentimental sides of my thinking and I recognise, in moments of calm clarity, that I would pursue this further with the subtext of thinking I can just make everything ok between us.

to tell you the truth, while i am long over the relationship, i can, to this day, get a bit annoyed if i let myself, over what i lost. im a musician, and she had several files of musical ideas that i will never recall or get back, and thats always gonna bug me on some level.

but part of life is learning to live with loss. hard drives crash. phones break. things we lend to a friend are broken. stuff we give to an ex, we may not get back. there arent guarantees, with most of the things that we cherish.

Yeh I panicked so much when I found out. The same panic I felt on those few times I triggered her in the r/s. The panic and fear of suddenly not trusting your perception of reality, scarcely believing someone you love can be this way.

It feels like she's punishing me for something I never did, as if she won't let me return to life pre-her without robbing me of something she knows is one of my main outlets for creativity. It's made me paranoid this is somehow my fault, like maybe she's found my activity on here somehow or was too hurt by my SM stories.

So yeh it does feel like she has the last word, and I want to tell her how unfair that is while empathizing with her plight. But maybe it's time to care about myself instead. 

i get this completely, especially when it comes to the mind wondering what in the world might have caused this.

and the simple answer, as hard as it is, may be nothing, or may be nothing in particular, or may be nothing youll ever know.

it really sucks to be blocked by pretty much anyone, let alone someone you have been so close to, and without any explanation.

there arent a lot of things, right now, that can make that feeling better, though i would bet some of the initial panic has subsided. what helped me, at the time, was getting it all out there, getting feedback here, and also, trusting, believing, that there would come a day when i detached from the outcome and it no longer mattered to me. that wont happen tomorrow, and probably not the next day, but it will happen.