Through a potential breakup with current partner, custody battle with bio mom

[DK77]

Hello
I wish I can hear some guidance as to how to revert or prevent a breakup.  
I am currently going through a custody case, to recover my rights to see my daughter.  She is being under potential parental alienation.
My current partner has been impacted, due to the stress that is going around.  I have been distracted from the relationship and she thinks I have been careless about it.
I would like some advice.

Also, if someone has gone through parental alienation, what are your experiences as far as recovering the contact with your kid(s)?  I would like to hear some words that could give me some hope.  
Thank you

[Turkish]

Hi DK77,

I moved your post to the Legal and Co-Parenting board. Experienced members here can help you with the Legal issues and PA. There are also step-parents here who can help support you given that many are in the position of your partner. 

Is your current partner with BPD?

[ForeverDad]

So... two issues?  Your ex is alienating your child and the stress on your current partner is putting your relationship at risk?  You have a custody and parenting schedule for your child?  Is it still a temp order during a divorce or do you have a final decree?  And what approximate age is you child?

In general, with experienced guidance and time-tested strategies you can get much of this back on track.   That's the benefit of peer support even though we're remote.  This is not to discount the benefit of local professionals such as experienced lawyers and counselors (for you, your partner, your child).

[Panda39]

Hi DK77,

I am in the position of your girlfriend/new relationship, my partner has an uBPDxw and they share 2 daughters and he experienced some parental alienation as well.

How long since you and your ex split up?  How long have you been together with your new partner?  Are you living together?  How old is your daughter?  Any other kids?  What are you seeing regarding parental alienation and your daughter?  Have you reacted to what you are seeing and if so how?

Sorry for the 20 questions, just trying to get a better feel for your situation.

Hope to hear more from you. 

Panda39

[livednlearned]

I wish I can hear some guidance as to how to revert or prevent a breakup.

What's happening with your partner?

My current partner has been impacted, due to the stress that is going around.  I have been distracted from the relationship and she thinks I have been careless about it.

Custody battles are so stressful, especially high conflict ones like ours. Are you able to do things to take your mind off the stress?

In what ways does your partner say you've been careless?

How old is your kid? What are the circumstances with the alienation -- have you been cut off completely? What is your relationship like currently?

I highly recommend the work that Dr. Craig Childress has done on PA. Have you come across his stuff?

[KingofTexas37891]

There is really no short cut. I was in similar shoes. Ex BPD girlfriend filed fraudulent ex parte restraining orders.

I went to Court and provided evidence she lied and requested full sole custody. On trial date her attorney pulled her case back and offered what I wanted: joint custody.

Main tip:
- hire an attorney (if you are a man, it is a must in family court!)
- do not give up
- move very fast
- make sure you pay her child support even if there is no court order. Just decide an amount you can afford and send her
- no phone calls with her. text only

[ForeverDad]

Regarding support payments when there is no court order... it seems courts view payments outside of a court order as "gifts".  Yes, if you can send checks with 'child support' written on it, but it is up to the court whether it will acknowledge it as such.

My experience... A couple months after I filed for divorce the court had its first hearing and I was ordered to pay child support in the temporary court order.  It was also retroactive back to the date I filed.  I got an overdue letter a couple weeks later (end of month) stating it hadn't been paid off yet (about 3 months of CS I was struggling to pay) and I would be reported as delinquent to credit agencies if not paid in full within 10 days.  Didn't matter that I was still paying some of her auto, phone and other expenses.

I guess my point is that you can't make the typical assumptions of common sense that you make in other areas of life.  A lot of custody and parenting cases don't follow our normal experiences of what makes common sense.  Sorry.

[KingofTexas37891]

@ForeverDad
Yes, there is that problem that it can be considered as a gift. But family courts handle these cases all the time. If you make it explicit on the payment that is is child support, you can provide evidence of it to the Court and they will accept it as child support and consider it in the calculation.

Just avoid paying any cash to the mom.

[scraps66]

Regarding support payments when there is no court order... it seems courts view payments outside of a court order as "gifts".  Yes, if you can send checks with 'child support' written on it, but it is up to the court whether it will acknowledge it as such.

Careful with checks, especially if you both still share the same name.  With a check, the account and routing number, and same last name on the check, she can make payments over the phone.  My ex did that to the tune of $2k.  Send Money Orders, take pictures.