He's losing it, I'm scared

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I don't know what to do right now.  My own head is spinning.  He is losing it.  Some of you might remember that I caught him out in December when he pooped in the shower and thought he flushed the evidence away.  Well, of course, he swore it was an accident and that it was a first and last (even though I have been saying an entire year that our drain pipes smell of poop).  I caught him 2 more times, needless to say almost.

I haven't been sleeping there the whole 2020.  He said 2 months ago that he will get a bidet attachment but soon went back on that saying he has no privacy (I don't get that either) and that I need to trust him that he doesn't poop in the shower anymore.  Yet it still smells of poop and the toilet paper lasts incredibly long etc.

Yesterday he turned into an absolute monster and started demanding sex.  I told him I like to shower afterwards but that I can't there anymore.  I also talked to him very calmly an hour earlier about his drug habit that is out of control.  He, however, was swearing at me and telling me to pack up my stuff and f off.  He was trying so hard to manipulate me emotionally into doing what he wants while he continues to treat me like this.  I don't doubt anymore that he gets some sick pleasure pooping in the shower and enjoyed knowing I got in there afterwards.  Now that it is out in the open it is like this very sick power play on his part.  He wants me to shower there again even though I know he still poops in the shower.

He called me early this morning.  I ignored the first calls and then finally answer.  He picked up right were he left off last night.  Shouting and cursing at me and telling me "I want sex.  Either you give it to me or you f off."  I hung up.  He keeps ringing over and over.  Probably over 20x by now.

I honestly feel scared.  I don't know who to turn to.  He is telling me to get my things out of the house - how must I arrange that at the drop of a hat.  My father is elderly, very sick and won't see next year or maybe even next month, we don't know.  He knows I have my hands full helping to care for him, but expects me to f off.

Sorry, I know I must sound crazy too.  My head is spinning.  I don't kn ow how to deal with him when he is losing it like this.  I am scared to call his psychiatrist in case he tells him that I contacted him.  I just want to run away or wave a magic wand and have all my things out of there.  I have been under so much stress since the end of December with first my mom being hospitalized unexpectedly and then in January my father too.  I am at my wits end.  I have no emotional support.  I feel alone and I am becoming very scared of him.

[Perdita]

I don't know what to do right now.  My own head is spinning.  He is losing it.  Some of you might remember that I caught him out in December when he pooped in the shower and thought he flushed the evidence away.  Well, of course, he swore it was an accident and that it was a first and last (even though I have been saying an entire year that our drain pipes smell of poop).  I caught him 2 more times, needless to say almost.

I haven't been sleeping there the whole 2020.  He said 2 months ago that he will get a bidet attachment but soon went back on that saying he has no privacy (I don't get that either) and that I need to trust him that he doesn't poop in the shower anymore.  Yet it still smells of poop and the toilet paper lasts incredibly long etc.

Yesterday he turned into an absolute monster and started demanding sex.  I told him I like to shower afterwards but that I can't there anymore.  I also talked to him very calmly an hour earlier about his drug habit that is out of control.  He, however, was swearing at me and telling me to pack up my stuff and f off.  He was trying so hard to manipulate me emotionally into doing what he wants while he continues to treat me like this.  I don't doubt anymore that he gets some sick pleasure pooping in the shower and enjoyed knowing I got in there afterwards.  Now that it is out in the open it is like this very sick power play on his part.  He wants me to shower there again even though I know he still poops in the shower.

He called me early this morning.  I ignored the first calls and then finally answer.  He picked up right were he left off last night.  Shouting and cursing at me and telling me "I want sex.  Either you give it to me or you f off."  I hung up.  He keeps ringing over and over.  Probably over 20x by now.

I honestly feel scared.  I don't know who to turn to.  He is telling me to get my things out of the house - how must I arrange that at the drop of a hat.  My father is elderly, very sick and won't see next year or maybe even next month, we don't know.  He knows I have my hands full helping to care for him, but expects me to f off.

Sorry, I know I must sound crazy too.  My head is spinning.  I don't kn ow how to deal with him when he is losing it like this.  I am scared to call his psychiatrist in case he tells him that I contacted him.  I just want to run away or wave a magic wand and have all my things out of there.  I have been under so much stress since the end of December with first my mom being hospitalized unexpectedly and then in January my father too.  I am at my wits end.  I have no emotional support.  I feel alone and I am becoming very scared of him.

[Notwendy]

Pedita- deep breath- this is an adult temper tantrum. Your BF didn't get what he wants ( sex) and is having a hissy fit. Once he has calmed down, it will feel different.

If you choose to be in a relationship with someone who is emotionally volatile, it helps to learn to stay calm and not react to the emotional turmoil.

I am not sure what your living situation is with him now. Are most of your belongings at his place? Is it both your places? If you are not sleeping there, where are you sleeping?

Realistically, it would be difficult to get all your belongings out of the house instantly but you could plan to do it over time. If he really insists there are solutions such as storage facilities. But once the emotional storm is over, he may forget he said this.

The pooping in the shower thing is likely not about you, but some deep emotional issue not related to you. Toddlers have issues with toilet training, one is encopresis where they try to withhold their poop. It's an emotional form of control, but they then will have "accidents". I don't think your BF has encopresis but he's meeting some emotional need by pooping in the shower. I'm not a mental health professional and I don't know why, but he's acting like a toddler by having a tantrum too. PwBPD can have emotional immaturity. Perhaps pooping in the shower helps him to manage his feelings. I'm just guessing here, but I think it would help to not make this about you.

I am sorry about your parents and know how stressful this can be. Keep in mind that a person who can not manage their own stress is unlikely to have enough reserves to be supportive with yours. It's important that you find a source of support at this time- counseling, a support group? Being a caregiver to an ill parent takes a lot of emotional reserves- it's a blessing you can be there for your father, but you need to take care of you- and your BF may not be able to be supportive in the way you need him to be. Don't make this personal about you. He's not capable.

If you do wish to continue to be in a relationship with him, it may come down to finding a place with two bathrooms. I don't think he can stop what he's doing without some insight as to why- and that would be in therapy if it is at all possible.

Take care.

[Perdita]

I don't know what's going on right now.  I stopped taking his calls today because when I took it this morning he was shouting at me.  He keeps saying he wants sex and I must use the shower afterwards.  I feel this is a form of abuse.  I must give him sex and then take a shower where he poops.  No.  I don't want to. 

I put his calls on auto reject 3 hours ago and so far he has tried calling me 91 times since then.  I have been staying with my parents this year.  He came here unannounced much earlier than agreed to pick up our dog (she spends the days with me).  I didn't want to open.  My mother was out.  He kept on and on.  I finally messaged him to say that he must please get in the car and that I will let her out and he can then get her.  Once I opened he was out that car so fast.  I tried closing the door - almost had it completely shut - but he pushing it open.  Then he started again saying he wants sex or else I must f off.  I told him to please just leave and that I have nothing to say to him.

He came back here an hour ago (2 hours after fetching our dog).  My mom opened and told him I was sleeping.  I have been sleeping today due to a migraine, but my mom didn't know that I actually was awake.

I spoke to his mother earlier.  I told her that his drug use is out of control.  We talked for quite a while and she said that what I was telling her is the way his father was during their marriage.  She was very insistent that she was going to talk to his father.  That it was time to get him into rehab and get his medical team involved with his psychological issues.  That was several hours ago.  I have no idea what is going on, but I can see his family have been messaging eache other due to their time stamps and being online a lot at same times.  I messaged his mom to say that he had been here again and keeps calling.  Finally she replied telling me not to worry because he will be ok and I must have a peaceful night.  Very short.  Not her usual type of message.  I am completely in the dark as to what is going on.  I made it clear to her that I am scared of him at this point.  Clearly he has done his manipulation thing on his family and I am most likely yet again viewed as the bad guy.

I am so tired at this point.  Dealing with way too much now.  I feel completely alone. Plus now I am worried that he will destroy my possessions.

[Notwendy]

It's your body. . He can demand all he wants but your part is that you get to choose. You don't have to sleep with him or shower at his place even if he demands it.

This is a boundary thing. He can say, demand, yell- you can't control what he does. You can control what you do. If he "forces" you to have sex, then that is sexual assault. If he keeps harassing you you can get a restraining order.

Yes, he may destroy your posessions. That would be awful. If he is violent, you can take legal action.

This is a boundary issue- you can not control his behavior. Just what you do about it,but you can protect yourself legally,

[GaGrl]

Perdita, his control needs are moving dangerously close to domestic violence. He is now abusive in all but putting his hands on you.

Do you have a safety plan that works for you right now? Today?

Can you talk to your local police so that it you need them, they are aware of your situation?

[Perdita]

I don't have a safety plan.  I don't know where to start even with that.  I can't leave my parents house in any case because I am helping to care for my father.  My parents do have an alarm system though which includes portable panic buttons.  I am also worried about my poor dog being with him.  She is very sensitive to his mood swings.  She didn't want to go with him today.  I don't know how I would be able to keep her here without him pulling something legal.  He knows attorneys etc and I don't know people with connections.  I just checked and the last 5 hours there have been just over 200 missed calls since I put him on auto reject.  That's excluding the calls he made before that all day long when I simple had my phone on silent.

[Perdita]

BTW an hour ago I unblocked him long enough to send a message telling him to please stop with the calls, that I don't want to argue and that he should rather try and get to bed early and rest.  He saw the message.  Then I immediately blocked him before he could reply. Exactly 80 calls since then.  In one hour.

[AskingWhy]

Perdita, I am so sorry to hear this.

BPD men use sex as a tension reliever.  It has little to do with love or intimacy.

I agree with NotWendy that your H is having a tantrum.  BPDs are like toddlers.  

I hope you can see this is not your fault.  

BPDs also have an affinity for substance abuse.

[AskingWhy]

Please read Bill Eddy, "Splitting," so you know your rights in the event of a divorce.  BPDs will lie, steal and rage, and attorneys and judges will eat up these lies.  You know BPDs can be charming if they want to be.

Also read Gavin de Becker's, "The Gift of Fear," on how to deal with an abusive partner.

[AskingWhy]

Also, since he is phone calling like a crazy person, keep a record of all of his calls.  It shows the time of the call and duration.  Try to save his voicemails, too.  

Keep your wits about you and be safe.

This is the link to the MOSAIC domestic violence assessment.  It is free and anonymous.

https://www.mosaicmethod.com/

[I Am Redeemed]

Hi, Perdita. I am sorry for what you are going through. I've been there with the demands for sex, the frightening dysregulations, substance abuse, and incessant calling. It is very scary, indeed. You are doing good with holding your boundary around not talking to him when he is behaving in this manner. As some of the others have said, what you are experiencing is abusive.

Since you said you do not know where to start with a safety plan, I pulled this up for you to look at:

Safety First

This is a guideline for making a safety plan. We can help you think through the details to make it personal for you. You may not need it, but the way things are ramping up, it would be wise to have one in place.

I also found this link:

Responding to Domestic Violence

This may give you some insight into what behaviors he is exhibiting towards you. This is important because sometimes we can minimize the risk that a partner poses to us or the impact of their behaviors.

Do you think you will use the panic button or call the police yourself if he shows up and tries to come into the house again?

You might consider the suggestion to rent a storage unit for your things and ask the police to escort you to collect them.

He is obviously in a very unstable mindset right now. Do what you need to do to take care of yourself and protect yourself. Please keep us updated

[formflier]

Hey Perdita,

I'm so sorry this is happening to you.  Whatever you can do to focus on your self care and care for your parents is likely energy well spent.  I can't imagine any further contact with him will be beneficial until he has calmed. 

Pedita- deep breath- this is an adult temper tantrum. 

Yes, start here with understanding what is going on and continue on reading about other concerns about being close to domestic violence and having a safety plan in place.

I share those concerns.

Can we fill in some details about a safety plan?

How is your habit pattern with keeping your phone charged and accessible?  Is there a landline phone in the house?  Do your parents have cells phones that they keep charged and where they are accessible to you?

Very important that you have several options to reach out for help.

Probably wise to contact your local sheriff and understand if the 911 center supports text to 911.

https://www.fcc.gov/consumers/guides/what-you-need-know-about-text-911

All of this will help you know that you are not alone.

I'll check back soon to see your answers.

Best,

FF

[Perdita]

thanks for everyone's input.  I have been reading it all.  Sorry or not replying better.  My head is spinning, literally.  I put 7 years into this person and this is how I got treated.  The whole poo thing has been too much or me.  I can't have a man demand sex and then tell me I can go use the shower he poops in.  It's too much or me. 

It's been my breaking point.  I just realized I have been up 4 hours and still haven't had breakfast.  I have to get my father to the hospital in an hour to see a doctor.  All I want to to is sleep like I did yesterday.

He insisted I open the door today or he wouldn't drop our dog off.  Once he was here he pinched me hard on the arm and asked me why I spoke to his mother about his drugs.  He said I have screwed up his whole life.  I told him, no I am not responsible or his poor choices.  He told me to go pack up my things and f off.  He then sent me several short messages.  He said he is better off with the devil.  He said I must keep sharpening my knives for him.  He blamed me for everything.

I don't know how I am going to get the bigger items of furniture out of there, but I won't leave it there.  One piece in particular has been in the family for close to 100 years.

My suspicion is that he can't handle what I am dealing with right now with my parents.  It's not fun.  It's grown up stuff and he hates that.

I keep my phone charged.  My mom has her phones.  My father can't use one.  He can barely walk even.  My mom also has her own panic button.  We have security gates inside the house.  We arm the alarm at night.

I am exhausted. 

[formflier]

  Once he was here he pinched me hard on the arm and asked me why I spoke to his mother about his drugs.  

Is this the first time he has been physical with you?

If not can you describe the other instances and when they happened.

I'm very concerned by this.

Best,

FF

[Perdita]

About 2 1/2 years ago he got aggressive for the first time with me physically.  He grabbed me by the shoulders and pushed me against a wall and threatened to hit me.  He then grabbed and smashed the mirror next to me.  The only other incident I can remember was when he pushed me against a wall in the hallway.  I can't remember why even.

So many outbursts almost daily. He has kicked things in shops, for example.  Kicked displays down, yellow cones like used in parking lots but inside stores.  I remember him forgetting his credit card in a gas station, realizing it the moment he got back in the car, getting out and kicking the stacked firewood logs all down standing out front.  Also kicking a glass door in a mobile phone  shop; I wasn't there but was on the phone with him while he was shouting at the staff and then I heard one hell of a crashing sound and women screaming.  Later he got a call from their office telling him never to return. Apparently the woman trying to help him was highly pregnant and they had to get her medical attention because she was so upset. I could go on and on.  With me he has been controlled as far as the physical side is concerned.  I am scared of him though since last year.

[WitzEndWife]

This is all extremely concerning and I think I definitely agree with everyone here that your safety is a priority. I also know what it's like to be in these types of relationships. You keep thinking, deep inside, that, "It's not that bad." He hasn't beat you up, right? But, unfortunately, I also recognize that this is what everyone who has an abusive SO has said and thought. It wasn't that bad until he actually DID hit them. And then, after he hit them, he apologized and love bombed and manipulated until they came back. This is absolutely not easy. And you have every right to be scared of him because he seems to be a very violent and rage-filled person.

I know that, at first, with a BPD partner, we think the "Mr. Hyde" evil side of that person is just an anomaly, or not who they really are. But the truth is they are both Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. You cannot separate the two. Together, they are the whole person.

My therapist has helped me remove myself a bit from my H's tantrums - although mine is more manipulative and less violent - although he has broken things in the past and thrown pillows, water, and (once) a mashed banana at me. I am now more often able to see myself as the adult and him as an emotional child. I am more in control these days and able to set boundaries. However, a lot of boundary setting is not something that might be an option if your safety is at risk. You might just have to come up with a safety plan and decide when you're "good and done" with this phase of your life - if that's what you decide.

At any rate, as others have said, it's your body, so you don't have to have sex OR shower in a poop-filled shower. No way.

Stay safe.