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Author Topic: Unreasonable apology requests  (Read 409 times)
Gettingbytoday
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Coparenting
Posts: 1


« on: March 10, 2020, 06:59:26 PM »

My ex has been raging at me daily with only minutes of reprieve for the last 3 weeks. Our divorce was final in October and we have been living in separate houses since December. Everything was shockingly peaceful from when we separated in June until we moved out to our own places in December. Now that we’ve been living apart for a couple months I think the reality is setting in and he seems to be the lowest I’ve ever seen him. He is demanding that I apologize for everything my family and I have ever done to hurt him in the last seven years. I know that no apology will ever be sufficient for him and he wants me to apologize for things that did not happen. We share two small children so I have been trying to be sympathetic and loving and help him process through this but I’m getting to my limit for the amount of verbal abuse I can take during this episode. It’s lasting so long. Any suggestions?
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ForeverDad
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: separated 2005 then divorced
Posts: 18071


You can't reason with the Voice of Unreason...


« Reply #1 on: March 10, 2020, 09:01:20 PM »

What helps?  Appropriate and firm boundaries.  Read Boundaries by  Henry Cloud.

You can do a lot by limiting contact to only the basics.  Post divorce, that means focus on the parenting.  Examples are handling the exchanges, sharing standard information about doctors, school, etc.  You're not married to your ex and so there is no relationship to maintain.  If he doesn't respect boundaries as described below and elsewhere on this site — and how to make them more likely to work — then you may have to seek support on the legal side, determining what your lawyer and court can do to limit interactions to only necessary aspects of the custody order and parenting schedule.

People with aggressively acting-out personality disorders typically resist improving their behaviors.  Or if they behave for a while, they can easily — almost predictably — relapse into prior patterns.  I think that's what's happening here.  The family needs strong boundaries (and consequences) for proper behaviors.  Whatever it takes.
You've been like many here who tried to appease and mollify someone who repeatedly crushed good boundaries, demanded constant ultimatums and capitulation, etc.  That sort of one-sided relationship can't work, not for very long.  As you found out.
Boundaries are for you, not Ex.  You already know you can't tell Ex what to do or not do.  You can't force Ex to do or not do something, your power is in your response.  However, what can and does work (though there are limits) is something like this... .
"If you do or don't do ___ then I will do or not do ___."

Examples:
If you start blocking me from our kids...
...then I will enforce the parenting schedule, in court if that's what it takes.
If you want extra time for ___...
...then I may allow it but with a trade for equivalent time for ___.
If you try to talk about anything other than valid parenting matters...
...then I will hang up or depart.

When done right "if... then... " is powerful.  It took me years to figure how to make boundaries such as these.

Oh, and since this would be a change to your behavior pattern, expect Ex to flame out with extinction bursts in attempts to make you retreat back into prior compliant, appeasing patterns.  Ex may never fully accept that you will run your own life, but in time Ex ought to realize you're not acquiescing to Ex's demands as before and not push your boundaries as relentlessly.
« Last Edit: March 10, 2020, 09:07:47 PM by ForeverDad » Logged

worriedStepmom
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner’s ex
Posts: 1157


« Reply #2 on: March 10, 2020, 09:05:43 PM »

You have the right idea.  There aren't enough apologies in the world to fill the hole in him, and it's not your job to fill it anyway.

What happens if you ignore his rants?
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MeandThee29
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorced
Posts: 977


« Reply #3 on: March 11, 2020, 12:05:13 PM »

It isn't your responsibility to help him work through this. And all relationship discussions are over. You are divorced.

The only things you should be discussing are related to the children and any close-out issues. Keep your responses using the BIFF principles (the book is excellent even for troubled non-marital relationships): https://www.highconflictinstitute.com/biff-responses.

My experience was that BIFF responses eventually toned it down to just what had to be said and done. My legal team taught me this explicitly and by example. Whenever mine tried to engage me on relationship issues, I didn't respond. I focused only on what had to be discussed and done.

I truly wish my ex well. But to use the language of boundaries, his fence and yard is his business, and my fence and yard are my  business. I hope at some point he will indeed get the psychological help he needs, but as his ex-wife, it is not my responsibility to help him process the past and the implications of divorce. I got enough to work on myself with my own fence and yard.
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livednlearned
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Family other
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 12731



« Reply #4 on: March 11, 2020, 02:21:31 PM »

He's working through an older injury that predates you and because he doesn't realize this, your apologies are destined to fall short.

What he wants is to stay engaged somehow. He must sense that you feel guilty, and is working hard to leverage what he knows to be your vulnerability.

I once apologized to my ex husband (BPD) for things he felt and he accused me of trying to manipulate him  Frustrated/Unfortunate (click to insert in post)

Lesson learned.
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Breathe.
Panda39
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner’s ex
Relationship status: SO and I have been together 9 years and have just moved in together this summer.
Posts: 3462



« Reply #5 on: March 11, 2020, 03:22:18 PM »

I think you're right about the divorce finally sinking in what he's doing sounds like an Extinction Burst.  More on an Extinction Burst... https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=85479.0

When are these outbursts happening?  Phone calls?  When you have a child exchange?  I agree with ForeverDad this is about the need for boundaries.  If he's phoning don't answer, or limit the length of the call, or hang up if he becomes abusive.  This is not about being mean, boundaries are about protecting yourself and protecting yourself is not selfish.




Panda39
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