I need to find a way to Re-connect with someone with BPD to see my child

[usanonymous]

Hi - first post.
My ex-spouse. Lives in a different country. Where laws favor her. She has prevented me from seeing our child nearly a year. She has had zero direct contact communication with me since June of last year. She has also stopped all contact I had with my child. I have tried to go to court (in her country) with no success. I have emailed her and apologized if I hurt her in anyway (she had an affair and that's the reason why i divorced her). She stopped letting me contact our child after i sued her for emotional damages and shared custody of our child in her home country.
I feel like a fool. She had threaten me many times she would take her away from me but i didn't think she had the courage to do that. Obliviously I was wrong. How / What is the best way to approach a person with BPD ? Knowing her - she holds her resentments towards someone forever. Her hate towards me would be the legal action i took. But that much hate that she won't let me talk to our child ? What do i have to do to get the attention of someone with BPD to reach out to me ? Or how long until her anger subsides ? Everything is on the table of what i'm willing to do.

[kells76]

Hey usanonymous;

Just wanted to reach out really quick to say Hi, and you're in the right place. So many members here can relate to your situation -- a disordered ex inhibits or prevents a normal, loving relationship between the child and the other parent. It isn't right, and it isn't healthy for you or your kiddo.

There's a wealth of experience here and we will talk you through how you can move forward!

So sorry I can't write more right now, but I didn't want you to think that nobody had read your post 

Hang in there and members will chat with you more soon!

kells76

[Panda39]

Hi usanonymous,

I want to add my welcome to Kells'  and tell you how sorry I am you have been apart from your child for so long  .

Can you tell us a little bit more about your situation?  How old is your child?  Are you able to have any contact with your child via phone or email at all?

What happened with the court case?  Is there anything your country can do to assist you?

Take Care,
Panda39

[usanonymous]

Thank you all for the replies.
My child is 3 years old when she stopped letting me talk to her.
Her home country is part of the UN treaty to stop child abduction however the US embassy has told me the local police will not enforce a US court order.

I have spend over $60,000 in her local country and over $10,000 in my home country to try to do something legally to zero results. She has full power in her country.

In the court case in her home country. I was asked what i'm willing to do to co-parent. I said i'm willing to buy her a house and myself a house in the same neighborhood for the child to have parents near by. Help one another. If she did not want to stay in her home country i offered the same deal in the USA. She rejected she said she wants nothing to do with me. Unfortunately in her home country- she gets to decide whatever she wants. She said she wants me completely out of her life.

I understand if it was I who had the affair she would be this angry but I don't understand why she's this angry when it was not I who had the affair. The last email i sent to her before she "discarded me" i told her whatever happened in the past it's the past - we need to think what's best for our child. Her prior emails she always said "what about me " "me" "me". At that point in my life i had no idea about BDP. I only educated myself after she completely cut me off, because i did not understand how someone can do that. We were friends for 14 years up to that point of our life and married nearly half.

[KingofTexas37891]

Hi OP,

The case is a bit strange though. Countries that are within the Hague have cross legal responsibility and nobody can deny you access to the child permanently. Even in Japan you have a chance with local courts.

Have you really spent $70k+ in legal fees? This sounds strange to me though because child custody case like you describe should not cost that much except you left out key aspects.

In which country are you based yourself?
Inw which country is your ex living now with your child?
Were you guys married by the time child was born?
Have you ever been established as the legal father in any country?

Basically, you need to be established as the legal father and sign with her an international co-parenting plan that gives you the right to have the child with you in your country during the windows assigned to you.

[usanonymous]

Japan does not respect the Hague convention. The local courts have no interest.
I wish i was kidding on the amount of money i have spend. Does not include my travel cost.
I'm based out of the US, she's based in the country  I WAS disputing. I have stopped to see if she stops splitting but it has been 9 months and ZERO contact from her to me. Yes, we were married when the child was born. I'm established as her legal father in both countries.

Less than 48 hours after our daughter was born she wrote the following. Faked my signature. I found this many years after the fact. When my attorney in Japan asked me to gather evidence. Japan does not recognize mental disorders. Her birthday is tomorrow, i'm thinking of writing something to her to soften her heart.

[KingofTexas37891]

OP:
Ok, I understand now it is between Japan and USA.


Were you guys married by the time child was born?
Have you ever been established as the legal father in any country?
Did you guys live in the USA together and she left with child or you lived in Japan?
How long did you wait before trying to obtain visitation rights?

[usanonymous]

KingofTexas,

Thank you for your help and being of assistance. Perhaps you know something I don't - please let me know but rehashing me trying to get something legally in Japan to see my daughter is not impossible.

Please understand that I have explored every legal avenue unless again i missed anything. You can read countless stories on the internet were Japanese wifes do with ex-husbands to not let the prior parent be part of the childs life. We had a member PFCI on this forum who did not want to get in my predicament. He continue to take the abuse of his wife. I did too until she opened our marriage to an open relationship. I put boundaries and things just got worse - no respect. So what i'm saying unless you know some loop holes or someone in Japan that can do something for me - the legal system will turn a blind eye. What i'm trying to do is soften her heart. How do you soften the heart of a BDP person ? Reverse psychology is what i'm after.

[ForeverDad]

I understand how you are trying to find a way to sidestep your ex's obstruction.  My concern is that success, if any, with "softening her heart" won't last long, sooner or later something will trigger her and you're back where you started.  Appeasing is not a long term strategy.

However, I'm not saying you shouldn't try.  If you do find a way to mollify her then you'd have to maneuver a legal foot-in-the-door before she triggers and you're out again.

Are you allowed any contact with your child?  If she attends school, can you attend school activities?  If she is in daycare, are you allowed to visit her there?

Meanwhile, you can do what other blocked fathers have done.  They've written letters (and sent gifts) to their child over the years, sending one copy and keeping another copy set aside for the future.  Then in the future when contact is established and the child asks, "Why did you abandon me and never try to contact me?" then you can let them read all the letters you did send but never reached the child.  Essentially, you would have if you could have.

[usanonymous]

ForeverDad,
Thank you for the reply.

I have a written journal. Video blog. I kept her belongings (prior to moving). I buy her gifts and celebrated her birthday.

As for my daughter. I have hired a PI firm which keeps a watch on her. I get video/pictures. They go to the events you mention. Record them for me etc. I have gone to a further extent of what's next however i'll keep that under wraps. Money is no object at this point.

Some of my friends who are not parents think i'm creepy but they don't know what it's like being a parent.