Urgent help - is this a limit I let slide for now

[Cwilhelm]

I have a dilemma.  From everything I read here, my wife certainly has characteristics of a pwBPD. While she has never been formally diagnosed, We have been pointed in that direction in therapy.

Controlling my behavior seems to be a focus of her days, but even more so with coronavirus. Today, she told me if I go to the movie theater or the gym, I should not come home. We have 20 confirmed cases in my state and only one within 20 miles of our home. Still, when I go, I would be very careful. Frankly, I think the theater will be empty and I can wear gloves to the gym.

What should I do? Do I poke this bear by holding true to my limits or do I cave? Is this a special case?

ps - We are both very healthy people in our 50s.

The movies tonight and I'm really working hard to make this decision.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[paperinkart]

I’m not saying you should give up your boundaries regarding your freedom and she should not control your every move, but you might think about what is triggering her to try and do so?

Sometimes when I feel I need to control things/people, it is because I have an underlying fear. I’m sure your wife is very scared and this is how she’s expressing it to you. In this specific case, I might make an exception. So many people’s anxieties are heightened right now. Our BPD loved ones already operate at such a high level of emotional intensity that this becomes too much for many of them. My partner is struggling as well. This might be a time where you “cave” for now, and deal with these issues at a later time, when there is less tension and possibility for conflict.

Is there a way to compromise? Watch a movie at home and go for a run outside instead of the gym? While I don’t think you should feel like a prisoner of your home, we do all need to be extra careful these days and avoid too many unnecessary trips out of the home.

If you feel like going to the movies and the gym is worth it, then by all means do it, but it might be helpful to listen to your wife’s fears. Validate and see if you can have a healthy discussion about it and/or find a compromise if you can.

Best of luck!