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Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits. Practicing lawyer, Senior Family Mediator, and former Licensed Clinical Social Worker with twelve years’ experience and an expert on navigating the Family Court process.
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Author Topic: Here we go again  (Read 423 times)
Ozzie101
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« on: March 21, 2020, 10:00:43 PM »

I wish I knew how to make this stop.

He’s been on edge with the pandemic (who hasn’t). Well, today I was gone most of the afternoon. While I was gone, there was a major drama regarding his work. He sent an email to me and it wasn’t entirely clear to me if he sent it to other people or if he was just showing it to me first. Well, he says he sent it. Honestly, he has good reason to be upset about what he’s upset about but the email? Could get him fired.

He called blasting me and my family. He’s all over the map. As usual, he’s not rational. Tonight he’s basically accused me of being a whore, marrying him for money and sex.

Much of what he’s telling me is not true, I know. Accusations that “everyone” is horrified at how I treat him. That we have a prenup. That the mortgage is in my name. That I’ll never admit my family can be wrong.

I’m so tired of it and struggling to hold onto reality while also trying to be fair. Have I really screwed up? Should I have jumped into his professional stuff and “publicly” supported him? Should I have lashed out at family friend for him? Or was I right to try to quietly support him from home?

Honestly, I can’t be sure he has given me a full or true story. He lies so much when he’s like this. But I can’t say I don’t completely trust him.

I won’t be pulled into it. I won’t play rescuer. I won’t rush to him begging him for forgiveness or not to leave me (as he’s threatening to do). But dear God, I’m tired of nights like this. I love someone who doesn’t feel my love. And that is so very painful.
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alleyesonme
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« Reply #1 on: March 21, 2020, 11:48:12 PM »

Can you clarify a little more as to what the email said, what he expected you to do after reading it and what you look back and think you could have done with it?

Regardless, those are some pretty crazy and hurtful allegations. I've definitely been in your shoes before, and I know it sucks. Extremely exhausting and maddening.

One tip I've gotten that helps me sort everything out when my BP wife goes off on me is basically the reverse of the Golden Rule. In a similar situation, would I react anywhere close to how she reacted? If not, I can't let her manipulate me into thinking I did something wrong. So for you, would you have reacted anywhere close to the same way if the tables had been turned?
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GaGrl
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« Reply #2 on: March 22, 2020, 12:03:02 AM »

This may be an opportunity to wait until he's rational, hand him the email, and ask him to clarify what he was trying g to communicate.

If he can't, a direction toward intense therapy is in order.

If he realizes that he was irragional, an acknowledgement and apology is in order (along with his realization that he needs intense therapy).

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"...what's past is prologue; what to come,
In yours and my discharge."
Cat Familiar
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« Reply #3 on: March 22, 2020, 12:53:22 AM »

No, you haven't screwed up by holding onto your integrity and doing what you perceived to be right.

It's so hard when the person we love is irrational and makes false allegations about us. It really becomes fatiguing and so dreadfully painful.

Hold onto your reality and don't let those horrible accusations make you doubt yourself.

The truly sad thing is that this is a part of who he is when he feels stressed. And to thrive in this relationship, you've got to figure out a way that this behavior won't unduly damage you. Certainly it won't ever be pleasant to deal with him when he is like this, but how can you compartmentalize these times in order not to lose your love and respect for him?
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“The Four Agreements  1. Be impeccable with your word.  2. Don’t take anything personally.  3. Don’t make assumptions.  4. Always do your best. ”     ― Miguel Ruiz, The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom
Ozzie101
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« Reply #4 on: March 22, 2020, 08:37:22 AM »

That’s what I really wish I could figure out. He tells me later that it’s not about me. He doesn’t remember or even think most of the things he says. I try to remember that. But it just feels like holes being punched in a wall. His long can the wall stand.

He got fired yesterday. He’s going to apologize and try to repair the damage today. We’ll see.

He says all he wants from my parents is for them to reach out — to offer to listen. I think they would listen but I don’t think they’d just come up with that on their own. And, going from experience, nothing they do would ultimately be right or good enough.
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UBPDHelp
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« Reply #5 on: March 22, 2020, 08:50:49 AM »

Hi Ozzie,

I’m so sorry you’re going through this.  You’re right, of course, that the pandemic is causing immense stress to everyone.  I’m living through similar, but won’t hijack your post with my tales.

One point from my situation that I am currently stuck on is the balance of understanding that this stress is (more) difficult for him, but should I have to bear the burden because he has zero coping skills and refuses to accept help?  #imsotired

As you know, the wonderful people here will help.  I can only offer a virtual hug and remind you that you’re not alone.
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formflier
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« Reply #6 on: March 22, 2020, 09:16:25 AM »


Are you sure he got fired yesterday? 

This was the church job..right?

So sorry all this is going on...on top of the virus stuff.

I really...really like the idea of handing him the email later (in a public place...maybe over lunch) and asking for clarification. 

Best,

FF
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Ozzie101
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« Reply #7 on: March 22, 2020, 09:16:38 AM »

Thanks UBPDHelp and everyone.

Re:the email. I know what he was trying to convey and it wasn’t necessarily wrong. The committee (chaired by my parents’ friend) did something that really seems fiscally irresponsible and, given the current situation, insensitive. He stood up for his staff. Fine. But the way he did it — with recriminations and near-personal attacks? Was not ok.

There was nothing I could do, really. He sent it to me after he’d already sent it. He says he’ll try to fix it: apologize for being rude, explain the stress he and everyone else are under, say he said things he didn’t mean and shouldn’t have said.

With us, it keeps coming back to him feeling like I’m not supportive. I don’t stand up for him. Yes, I sort of know these people. But they haven’t reached out to me about any of this and I don’t think it my place to jump in.

Besides, I can’t be sure I have the full story or I can fully trust what he tells me because he can get things very wrong.

I just know he’s really cracking. He tells me he thinks about ending it — then in the next breath says he’d never do that. I just don’t know how to help because the things he says he wants and needs just don’t feel right.

Am I sure he got fired? No. Do I think it’s possible? Yes. Because he’s still saying it and he’s a little more rational this morning.
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« Reply #8 on: March 22, 2020, 09:41:13 AM »


With us, it keeps coming back to him feeling like I’m not supportive. I don’t stand up for him. 

If you ask, can he tell you EXACTLY what he wants you to do, going forward?

Best,

FF
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Ozzie101
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« Reply #9 on: March 22, 2020, 11:32:32 AM »

Not really. He just always says “support me” or “stand by me” or “go to bat for me”. He can’t tell me what that looks like to him, which tells me it falls into the “hole no one can fill” category.
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formflier
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« Reply #10 on: March 22, 2020, 12:01:26 PM »

Not really. He just always says “support me” or “stand by me” or “go to bat for me”. He can’t tell me what that looks like to him, which tells me it falls into the “hole no one can fill” category.

How do you follow that up? 

Certainly you would want to leave it in his corner to provide details and also you wouldn't want to say that you do support him as that could be invalidating.

Hmmm...I'm wondering if a SET (with the T being that you support him "in your own way) would suffice until he can provide details (which apparently haven't been forthcoming in a large number of years.

Thinking back to the job.

How many years has he had the job? 

How many of those years did the job provide stability?  How many years has it been a point of instability/contention?

Best,

FF
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Ozzie101
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« Reply #11 on: March 22, 2020, 05:41:22 PM »

Well, I can’t say I’m surprised. He called to apologize for the email and Friend was confused. H checked his email. He never sent it. They did have a (reasonable, rational) conversation but no email. H also admitted to me that he had a drink that evening. Same with Monday night — which was awful. He’s at least aware there’s a problem, so there’s that.

SET’s a good suggestion and I’ll think up a few to keep in my pocket.

So, no, he wasn’t fired. It was another instance of him completely blacking out and losing it over things that hadn’t happened. I’ll remember this even stronger going forward.

He loved the job for the first 6 years. Problems started about 2 years ago.
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formflier
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« Reply #12 on: March 23, 2020, 07:17:09 AM »

Problems started about 2 years ago.

Can you expand on this?

Was the rest of his life fairly solid until 2 years ago?

What was your relationship like?

Ozzie101

If you remember, my story is a bit different in that I had a fairly long "normal" marriage and then a natural disaster brought out symptoms in both of us (and we both mismanaged them for a long time).
Looking back I can see "hints" of dysfunction. 

I'm glad the job is still in place!   Doing the right thing (click to insert in post) Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

What is "remembering this" going to look like going forward?

Best,

FF
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Ozzie101
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« Reply #13 on: March 23, 2020, 08:15:26 AM »

Remembering: For me, using that to stay centered and keep from getting triggered or upset in the moment, realizing that what he’s telling me may not be true. I have a mental list at this point.

Two years ago, our relationship was just fine. We could discuss things calmly and work together. There were some issues and tensions about my family but nothing insurmountable. Things started changing at his job because the church started to experience fiscal problems that have gotten worse.

Personal life, it was about a year and a half ago that our state’s adoption law changed and we were able to look for his biological family. Around the same time, I had a serious car accident (walked away without a scratch but from my car, you’d find that hard to believe). I had a kidney stone with complications. He was put on new anxiety meds that caused weight gain.

The biggest of those was his family upheaval. The others were minor, but all together... perfect storm of problems.

I remember a few weeks after my wreck, he was dysregulsying and started talking about it. His eyes looked like he wasn’t with me. He was reliving it. He’d seemed calm and in control that day. But it became clear he had been terrified. He was dropping SS off at school when it happened — completely on the opposite side of town. He’d had to drive all that way through construction and rush hour traffic to get there, then saw my mangled car.
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formflier
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« Reply #14 on: March 23, 2020, 09:03:50 AM »


How many years of "normal" did you have before the events of 2 years ago?

Knowing what you know now, do you see hints or "red flags"?

I think it's important for you to organize all of this into a convincing "argument" for yourself.  Convince yourself first.  Be able to calmly and rationally explain all of this to yourself, or perhaps to a neutral third party.

Once you have that down pat, then I think it will be time to approach your hubby.

How often does your hubby loose touch with reality, to the point where things such as "getting fired" happen in his head, but not in reality.


Best,

FF
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Ozzie101
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« Reply #15 on: March 30, 2020, 10:57:09 AM »

Looking back, I’m not sure how much “normal” we had. There were a couple of times before we married that I now see as  Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post) Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post) but they weren’t obvious.

At our rehearsal dinner he got furious at my grandmother. It seemed over-the-top, but it was a stressful time and my grandmother has a history of butting in and upsetting people so I didn’t think much of it.

Then about a month after the marriage there was a bad weekend when he was just very moody and passive-aggressive after I said I didn’t want dessert at a restaurant. All weekend.

I got in the habit of rushing around, trying to soothe hurt feelings and correct things any time I sensed he was unhappy or disappointed. I believed that I was messing up and I was being selfish and a bad wife.

There were also ongoing issues with my family and my relationship with them.

Losing  touch with reality? Lately it’s been happening once a week or once every other week. It’s usually triggered by alcohol and an emotional moment. A couple of weeks ago he had an emotional, cathartic talk with his adopted mom (difficult relationship). As soon as he got off the phone, he launched into an attack against me and my family for not showing support. Then accused me of not showing the appropriate emotion and happiness at his break-through.
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